Surprise

Got my latest HCG reading this week.  I had my D&E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that.  My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30.  I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today.  I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test.  I haven't had a period yet, and they don't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it. 

I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies.  Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue.  I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood. 

I don't know how I feel on the whole subject.  I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days.  I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile.  I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days.  It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light.  It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself.  I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens, but it takes a great picture with my little point-and-shoot.

I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy.  It isn't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend's baby that broke my heart.  He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant' provide that to him.  I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad. 

I had my previous D&C last year exactly at this time, and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant.  We boycotted the whole thing this year.  No tree, no decorations, no joy.  Minimal presents to everyone.  So far, not really my favorite time of the year.

Tormenting myself

Shopping today for presents, I spent hours in stores just walking around.  Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections.  I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms, and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes.  It was sad and difficult. 

The worst part was that I haven't been feeling too bad.  I have been a little crampy but not horrible, so I thought physically I was doing well.  After a couple of hours in the store, I felt horrible.  Hot, sweaty, nausea, cramping.  I had to sit down in the aisle for a while.  I always have a book with me, so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while.  I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 

I can't bear to wrap the presents yet.  I can't really stand to look at them yet.  I will try again this weekend.  I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week, though we haven't done anything for our card list yet, so that might be an enthusiastic goal. 

I vetoed a tree this year.  I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree, usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold.  We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2' off the top.  And it still barely made it in the room.  This year, I can't bear it.  I don't want any of that stuff in my house.  I don't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this.  If we had a child, of course I would pull myself together but we don't so why should I have to fake it in my own house.

Time to think about other people...

We have a friend with a health problem.  He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected.  He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned.  If you pray, please do, or just send good thoughts his way. 

D&E not D&C

So my D&C became a D&E which uses vacuum instead of cutting.  Apparently this is supposed to be a little easier on my body.  In respect to the procedure, it seems to have been. 

I do love my clinic, the only downside is that they are so busy that we were away from home for over 8 hours yesterday.  We left at 10am for a 12:30 procedure which didn't get started until 2:30pm.  I guess I was in the room for about 15 minutes total and spent the rest of the afternoon 'recuperating'.  I was a bit lightheaded but not really feeling much pain.

Last night was painful and crampy but not so much that pain killers were necessary.  Just uncomfortable. 

I guess now is just the recovery time.  Physically my body isn't bad.  I have a little extra weight, but nothing unusual for a cycle.  Everything that started to change due to pregnancy has already returned to normal.  I just have to deal with the mental baggage now.  I feel like this was all a dream, that I never really got pregnant.  Like it was all a delusion.  There is no proof that there was a child involved at all. 

The doctor sent the tissue for testing to determine if there was a chromosomal issue, but asked if we want the tissue returned to us afterward.  Both H and I were in quick agreement, NO.  Thank you, but no.  I can't imagine bringing the tissue home for a 'burial'.  That is not the kind of closure that I need in this case.

Again, thanks to everyone for their thoughts and good wishes.  So far things seem ok, and H is already talking about the next cycle.  I am not ready to discuss that yet, but I guess we will see.

Thank You so much

Thank you all for all your support.  You have been wonderful, and I truly appreciate it. 

We are really hanging in there this weekend.  I have not been feeling well today, and can't wait until Monday.  I just want this to be over so I can begin to heal, mentally and physically. 

I just can't believe that we are going to have to go through all this again.  I keep feeling like this is a horrible joke that I will eventually wake up from.  I keep going to sleep hoping that things will change, but they never do. 

Again, thank you for your kind words. 

Update

Finally got the 'confirmation' scan.  We got squeezed into an 8:30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic.  It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn't gotten behind schedule yet.  We are confirmed for no heartbeat.  The radiologist was quite nice, though she did say to the student "We are only doing this to see how far it got"  yes, I can hear you.  Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan.  She was very kind at that point.

She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat.  It was pretty clear, but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there.  It was completely obvious where the head and arms were.  It looked like Munch's "Scream", which really freaked me out.  They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on.  I couldn't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me. 

I waited around all day, I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D&C today, or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn't get on the schedule until Monday.  I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days.  I understand that it has died but somehow my body won't let go.  If it does happen 'naturally' I was told by my nurse to 'scoop it up so they can do some testing on it'.  I swear to you, those were her words.

I am a little mentally unsound today.  I am mostly angry, which the therapist says is a stage of grief.  I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this.  Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me.

So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0.

I am just going to hide for a while.

10w5d, 90% be damned

90%, HA, I laugh in the face of 90% success rate.  Actually not so much laugh as sob hysterically for most of the rest of the day. 

Went to my gyno appointment today and he couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so he sent me to another department for an ultrasound.  She couldn't find any heartbeat either. 

Everyone said that things couldn't be better this time.  We had an 8-cell, grade 1 embryo.  Our HCG numbers were pretty spectacular but still a failure.

I feel like there is just a bare pin point of light entering my brain, everything else is just darkness.  My brain feels like a grey fog.

We had begun discussing names and needs last week. 

Now it is impossible for us to have a child before I turn 35. 

Vacation, Thanksgiving update

Vacation was very nice, we didn't do anything but sit on the beach for 5 days.  H had a wonderful time, I was a bit bored, but he was really looking forward to doing nothing after working so hard recently that I didn't want to stop him.  It was nice overall, but we our flight was late returning and we didn't get in until almost 11 pm on Tuesday night.  On Wednesday we had to run around like crazies doing all the shopping for Thanksgiving.

We were volunteered to do Thanksgiving this year by my mother.  She claims that she doesn't have enough room for everyone, but we have had quite a few people at her house before.  I just think she doesn't want to do it anymore and is pushing it on me.  I am the only child who is close by that doesn't have any children, so what else would I do?  It is alright, I don't mind though H hates the cleanup.  We actually ran 5 full loads of dishes in the dishwasher since last night and had to wash all the pots and serving dishes by hand.  He was still washing dishes at 2:00 this afternoon.  He is a very good cleaner, one reason I am such a lucky girl. 

The number of people kept changing, all the way up to Wednesday.  On Wednesday I discovered that everyone who said they were not likely to come were coming.  So we had a total of 16 adults and 4 kids.  It was packed.  H made a table top for our pool table out of plywood and it just fits 16 people around it.  The plan was that the kids would sit at a different time, wouldn't sit at all, or something.  It turned out the one family was late and so they sat at a second sitting which staggered the seating a bit, making it all work out perfectly. 

It was fun, if overwhelming.  There were a couple little 'family blowups' but on the whole really quiet.  Also, we got out of traveling to visit the MIL which is the first year ever and that might be one of the top things I am thankful for this year! 

Still no pregnancy symptoms yet.  I am still a little tired in the afternoons, but my hunger has really dissipated to very normal levels.  My belly has gotten a little bigger but nothing really noticeable.   Mostly it is just like middle age spread.  My waist is bigger everywhere, not just the belly, so I can't really blame it on pregnancy.  I have my next appointment on Tuesday and I am hoping to feel more confident after that.  I keep feeling confident after my appointments but then the doubts creep back in. 

Every time I go to the bathroom I still check for blood.  I don't know when that will stop.  I really hope that one day during this pregnancy that I will feel confident enough that I will forget to check even just once in a while, but so far that hasn't happened yet.  Even in the middle of the night I check. 

Today is 10w1d, we have passed through 25% of this pregnancy, though I won't feel secure that we are through until I hear the doppler next week.

Oh, by the way, my cousin is pregnant.  That is ok with me, I am better with this whole thing now.  She is 5 months along, and having a girl.  I am better about H's brother too.  I just needed time to process it, I think.  My friend is 8 weeks further along that I am and I am thrilled about it.  We are going to have kids around the same time and that makes me happy.  Now it seems that my family will be adding another 'batch' ('crop' ??) of cousins and second cousins around the same time. 

Tough day

I finally spoke to my OB, and I was in such a good mood.  I was actually going to be able to call him my OB.  That is a huge step forward for us.  We chatted for a while and he was busting my chops a little, which is funny.  I don't mind being teased by him, he is a good guy and always means well.  Then he dropped a  little bomb.  He feels that I will need to come in to see him every 2 weeks for the entire pregnancy, until the end when it will be weekly.

He is concerned about a couple of older health problems that can predict some future issues, primarily miscarriage and early delivery.  He wants to start the testing almost immediately, including some more genetic testing.  He is affiliated with another big hospital in the Boston area, which is not the one I went to for my treatment.  This is all a little disappointing.  I was really hoping/thinking that maybe this pregnancy would be fairly uneventful and that I would be able to experience a little bit of being normal.  HA, clearly that is not in the cards for me.

Also, I was interviewing for a position and had my second interview yesterday.  It seemed to have gone well, and I was to hear today.  I am a bit over-qualified for the position, but it is 12 minutes from my house and less than 10 from my OB's office, so that all seemed perfect.  I just want to go back to work, and I realize that since I am pregnant that I will be leaving for a time next summer so I thought something a little less complicated would be a good thing for me.  I also am so tired of commuting.  Every job I have ever had has been a minimum of an hour commute, each way.  I can't keep doing that.  I just can't mentally do that, and try to be a normal person.

Well, I finally heard late this afternoon and they offered the position to someone else.  I have no idea why, they told my recruiter that they loved me and thought I was great, but still they offered to someone else.

Finally, my brother-in-law, who lives very far away has announced they are pregnant.  7 WEEKS, we are 9 weeks tomorrow and we haven't even started telling our closest friends/family, except for those who were involved in the IVF drama.  This is the same BIL who, when he heard we were engaged responded with the comment "I guess I am going to have to go shopping now", who we told our date to and 6 weeks later a Save the Date card comes in the mail for the SATURDAY BEFORE...ON AN ISLAND....20+ AIRPLANE HOURS AWAY.  

I am happy for them, but I just wish we could have made our announcement individually.  Does that make me a bad person??

90%

We had our 8w appointment yesterday.  It was all good news.  Heartbeat of 160, size of 1.6cm.  Each of these are pretty much right on for 8w0d.  We spoke to our doctor after the ultrasound and she was very happy.  We graduate out of their program into my own OB, who I called yesterday.  I was still so hesitant and concerned yesterday.  I asked the dr when I could feel better, more confident.  Her reply... "Now.  With a scan like this you are at 90% likeliness of a healthy baby at the end, and when have the odds ever been 90% in your favor??"  This is why I like this new clinic, straight talking, no crap. 

Our ultrasound was FOREVER.  We had a new-ish resident and he didn't really know what he was looking for or where.  He seriously spent over 45 minutes looking for my left ovary, but he was below my belly button.  I, myself, was pretty certain that it was a bit more TO THE LEFT, but he was certain he would find it eventually.  He finally said he found it, but added a note to the scan so we don't think he really did.  It didn't matter, the attending came in 10 minutes later and spent 3 minutes, he found the left ovary, the right one and the baby.  All in the 3 minute scan. 

I wonder why the US department was running 1.5 hours behind??

Still a good day.

Worst dream ever

Ok, so what would the worst dream ever be???  Just think about it, you are having trouble falling asleep, you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow, and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!!!

So, an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP.

Fun fun fun.

Worst dream ever

Ok, so what would the worst dream ever be??? Just think about it, you are having trouble falling asleep, you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow, and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!!!

So, an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP.

Fun fun fun.

Exhaustion

I am so exhausted.  I have not been sleeping well at all lately and I have been having dreams that are really weird.  On a good note, last night was the first time I had dreamed of this pregnancy going to term and having a child out of it.  It was weird and more than a little nice.  Of course there were an awful lot of other dreams that weren't exactly the same.  In one I found out H was having an affair.  I woke up in a SUPER-BAD mood.  I know that H is not that type of person, but I was hurt by someone a long time ago who did cheat.  It is something that seems to be in the back of my mind and pops up in dreams every once in a while. 

As a perk though, last night I dreamed that I kicked the crap out of my MIL.  That was a bit cathartic.  H and I had dinner with my parents last night and she came up in conversation.  I guess perhaps she frustrated me just a scooch.  :D

There were a whole bunch of other dreams last night, but they have all become pretty foggy. 

Torture

Decided to torture myself a little bit yesterday.  I was out shopping, picking up a couple of things for our trip, when I decided to take a quick pass through the maternity section.  I know I am not showing and I am still not even a 100% certain about this pregnancy but I just wanted to look.  See what MIGHT be in my future, and boy oh boy, what hideous-ness.  According to Tar-Jay, I have nothing to look forward to besides shapeless muu-muu tops and bland big belly pants. 

Can't wait.

Psych!

HA HA HA, not going to Aruba this weekend!!!  My husband eye infection is worse and he needs to go to a doctor tomorrow so our trip is postponed.  We pushed it out two weeks, so that we return on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  Which I am hosting at my house.  With ~20 adults, ~4 kids.  YAY. 

Good news all around.  Fun fun fun.

Forever

Each day of this week is an eternity.  I know that statistically we are likely to be fine and come out of this with a healthy baby, but we have fallen on the wrong side of statistics so frequently that I can't actually have any faith in that.  We are heading to a lovely tropical island for the weekend, hopefully to just be quiet and calm and relax.  In H's case probably to sleep since he doesn't really do that much here with all the stress he is putting on himself.  I had to drive him to work today since he never went to sleep last night and the last time he did that he rear ended someone.  Reflexes not exactly up to snuff. 

Anyway, I am still tired and needing naps during the day, so I am hoping that is all a good sign. 

By the time I get back I am hoping to have a couple of interviews set up, and my second US is Thursday, so I am really hoping to get a bunch of good news in the near future.

Translation

My US report clearly mentions "Enlarged ovaries, consistent with hormonal stimulation". The nurse mentioned it several times in our meeting as well so I figured it was time to ask Dr. Google. Turns out the statement of enlarged ovaries translates to "We can't tell if you also have an ectopic pregnancy" This is called a heterotopic pregnancy, which I kept reading as HETEROTIC. Certainly made the reading a bit more interesting.

Results

Well, we got today's ultrasound results and so far we are on track.  We are 6w0d today and we have a singleton gestational sac with a heartbeat of 112.  That is really good and the size measured between 2.1mm and 2.4mm with 2.0mm being the acceptable size for this time. 

This has really relieved quite a bit of the stress.  I know we still are not supposed to tell people but I really am ready to scream this at the top of my lungs.  I can't wait to start telling people.  We have told a couple of close friends who have been a part of this whole process but that is all.  I feel a little unfair telling them and not others, but I know it is for the best. 

Thank you for all your support through all this.  Wish us luck that this keeps up!

Fear and confusion

Last week we found out that a friend of ours is sick.  He has had a chronic problem for a long time, but recently there was some acute problem.  He has been in ICU for 2-3 weeks and they are looking to move him to a new room tomorrow.  We haven't seen these people in a while as they had moved away a few years ago and we fell out of touch.  It was only lucky timing that H tried to contact the wife recently and we found out about the husband's health.  They have moved back here as we have some really good hospitals in the area for his treatment and her field is also medical in nature.

We have our appointment tomorrow in the city and since he is in a hospital nearby, we asked if we could visit.  It sounds like he is much improved which is great, so we are going to try to have lunch with the wife tomorrow and see him after lunch for a bit.  We communicated a little today to set up tomorrow and I knew that she has a job at the hospital my clinic is a part of, but it is a huge hospital so I didn't really think much of it. 

Today she tells me that she is in the same building that we will be going to, and then I remember her focus.  Ultrasounds.  I don't really remember many of the specific details, but I do remember that her last company was making ultrasound machines.  Obviously I hadn't really intended to discuss our IF issues with these people.  They are our friends but as I said, ones we are not very close with.  I don't know how much information she will have access to, but she will certainly be able to see what we are coming in for. 

Now I am in a bit of a panic.  We are going to be in her area of expertise and see her 20 minutes after we have our US and speak with the nurse.

Pain and anxiety

The last few days have been tough.  I am waiting for the US next week and the week is taking forever.   I am starting to feel aches and pain in my abdomen.  I do not know what these pains are, but I know that pain is not a good thing.  Everything I have read mentions pain in the first trimester as either gas (very likely) or ectopic (hopefully less likely). 

The pain is intermittent and runs down into my leg.  I know that there is pain associated with tendons stretching but that isn't supposed to be for another 6-8 weeks.  I don't want to  call the doctor and be a panicky crazy, but I am worried.  I know if there is anything wrong there isn't anything they can do anyway.  If it is ectopic, it is over, if there is nothing in there, it is over, if I miscarry, it is over. 

I am trying to at least be calm, but I am concerned.  I am hoping that since my HCG was so high, that I might be spared an ectopic or miscarriage, but there is no certainty. 

Joy of knowledge

I was thrilled with my numbers for a total of 3 days.  Now, thanks to Dr. Google I have the knowledge that high HCG numbers can also indicate Downs.  Thrill a minute at our household.

d17p3dt

Oh my!  Clinic called and told me that I needed to increase by 66% in order to be considered 'acceptable', so that puts me around 1700 or so.  I was hoping for 1800-1900, just because I am a teeny-tiny bit type-A.  Well, type-A be damned, my uterus has decided that it is type-A++.

My HCG is 2389 today.  Well more than doubled in 48 hours.  Next week on to ultrasound to see how many are in there.

Off for more research.  I might throw up, just a little.  But in a good way.

How is it only 1 day?

This 48 hour wait is so much harder for me than the 2ww.  I just traipsed through the 2ww, la la la, like Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest.  Now, knowing that I have something to lose, I am doing nothing but think about it.  We have been joking about the chance of twins or triplets, and either would be fine, but what if this ends up badly?  Like all the rest?  Researching 'twins' and "hcg" has given me a little help, with our number we are statistically in a very good place to come out with a healthy child at the end.  Maybe somewhere between 80 and 95%, but we have ended up on the wrong end of statistics so many times. 

Why should this time be any different?

d15p3dt

Well the double line was not a mirage!  b-HCG of 1061 today, and I go back in a couple of days for another test. 

I just feel so relieved, but there is a little tinge of sadness in there.  Now all my thoughts are regarding when I might lose this pregnancy.  It is so hard to just be happy and thrilled after all this frustration.  It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Right after I POAS'ed I was so excited and just wanted to call everyone and start telling them.  Of course I didn't, but I feel like I didn't because I don't fall into the normal people range.  Normal people get to announce their pregnancy on the first day of a missed period, but infertiles have to wait until everything is perfect, checked and rechecked.

Last pregnancy, that ended in miscarriage, started at 48 so we are better than that!  This place tests later though, so that isn't likely to be a fair test. 

Anyway, off to research b-HCG numbers for twins!  (just in case!!!)

(Lots of exclamation points today, I wonder why??)

d13p3dt

Well, I broke down this morning and POAS.  I couldn't help myself. 

I got my first ever strong double line.  I hope this isn't any of that 'residual' hcg sticking around.  Bloods on Monday for real confirmation.

Keep hoping.

d12p3dt

Its been almost a week and I am desperate for another distraction.  I am exhausted and sleeping a bunch during the day.  Not so much at night, but nice naps during the day.  Every night I try to go to bed around the same time, somewhere in the vicinity of 11pm.  Every night for at least a month now I wake up at around 2am, 4-4:30am, and 6:30am.  Then the alarm for meds goes off at 8am, so by then I am exhausted.  Apparently this is a side effect of my happy meds.  They interrupt REM sleep so you don't get as restful a night's sleep, but recently it became a routine.  Now I wake up at exactly the same times every night.  It bites. 

Also, I am at d12 and bloods are not until Monday.  I really don't think I can wait any longer.  I have pulled out a stick for tomorrow's pee.  I normally hate them with a passion and wait till bloods.  I have never seen a positive and so I think all sticks are cursed.  I would prefer to wait to have the 'official' word but I don't think I can make it.  We are having my nephew over this weekend and some friends on Sunday so I have some distractions, but I don't think it will be enough.

Help.

Way to make the 2ww fly by...

Well, first you have H's birthday be within the first week.  Then decide BEFORE SCHEDULING TREATMENT that you will throw a birthday party.  At your house, with everyone he works with, local friends, and, of course, family. 

Decide that 21 adults and 7 children of various ages can all be fed the same thing, then realize that you have some vegetarians, and some 'no red meat' people coming to your BBQ.

Realize also that if everyone gets a piece of 'birthday pie' you would need at least 4 pies, proceed to cut enough apples for 6, just in case.  Cut for most of the day, bake for most of the evening.

Receive package of meat in mail, (you didn't expect me to cook enough meat for a bazilion people did you?) and remember that you aren't suppoosed to be lifting heavy things.  Open box on porch and bring each piece of meat in one at a time. 

At the last second decide that you need to add enough non-meat items to a Texas-style BBQ in case everyone in a vegetarian.  

Be very happy that the last guests leave exactly 5 minutes before the shot and meds are scheuled.

Repeat as necessary to get through entire week 1.  Congratulations, halfway through!

Thanks everyone, for your support about the injection.  Turns out that H used a ginormous needle, instead of the nice delicate one I 'convinced' the clinic to let us use.  So the injection went in with a fire hose instead, so maybe the headache was from a super overdose of progesterone??  I don't know, but now H feels very relieved that he didn't 'kill our unborn children'.  His words, not mine.

d3p3dt, bad day

First of all, I woke up at 4am this morning with a splitting headache. I do not get headaches really, almost never, so one that woke me is concerning.

Also, last night during our progesterone shot, H mentioned that it all went it so much easier than normal and there was no blood. All apparently good things.

Except that when I checked the injection site, it was really low on my butt. Weird he has done this a bunch before so I didn't think we needed a refresher.

Then I realized that the only time I ever get headaches is after a cycle when my hormone levels come crashing down. So then I put it all together and realize that the progesterone went into the fat of my ass and not the muscle. So panic ensues.

We spoke to the fellow-on-call and the nurse and they each said it is probably alright but if this doesn't take I know H will blame himself completely.

d1p3dt

Today is the first full day of bed rest.  I am supposed to take it easy tomorrow as well, though this clinic is pretty lenient about this part.  I kind of agree, but am also so scared of losing whatever chance we have to actually get and stay pregnant. 

We had a grade 1, 8 cell embryo!  Seriously, they gave us a picture, I have never even seen one, nevermind one that came from us.  We also put in a grade 2 and 3, both 8 cells.  They were not supposed to put back 3 but i kinda pushed a little, due to the fact that this is the fifth IVF.  Dr was willing but made us both sign a paper stating that he explained that chance of triplets!  TRIPLETS, HA!  We can't seem to get one to take and he wants me to sign saying I understand the risk.

Like I understand it anyway, how can anyone even imagine the possibility of triplets when we have already had so many disappointments. 

I am trying to avoid anything that might affect my belly area at all, no coughing, no sneezing.  Seriously, I might be a nut, but whatever happens I want to be able to say that I did everything possible. 

I really hope at least one takes, two even.  Three would be daunting, but we would deal.

I am going to try to get H to scan the picture soon so I can post it.  He is already talking about trying to match the kid to the embryo when they are born.

God the fall from here would be absolutely devastating.  If this fails we will be destroyed.

Please work, grow embryos, grow.

d-2p3dt

Just got the call about fertilization results and I couldn't be more pleased or scared.  We only had 7 eggs, but 6 were mature.  That is way better than we have had in any other cycle.   Also, of the 6, 5 fertilized.

We have no idea yet about the quality of those embryos yet, and this is another stage where we always have some serious trouble, but I am feeling a little hopeful.  Unfortunately that is often the beginning of the big fall. 

D-3p3dt

Well today was the retrieval and things went both better and worse than expected.  H's numbers are much improved which is very very good news.  Unfortunately mine are dropping.  Of the 9 very large follicles there were only 7 eggs.  We don't know anything further yet. 

I hope things go well.

Day 12

Back again for another round of blood and ultrasounds.  Still only found 9, 4 on the right, 5 on the left.  None of the smaller guys caught up.  Still each of the 9 is between 17 and 20 so tonight is the HCG injection.  Unfortunately H is at a work dinner and I need to inject into my butt alone.  I am really no good at this.  I do all the other injections and pills etc, but I really need him to do the butt shot.  I find it to difficult, and the needle is so huge that I freak out about it. 

Still, I am almost done with the first phase of this cycle.  Now it is on to the retrieval. 

Day 8 and 10?????

I started my cycle really late in the day so what is scheduled as day 9 and 11 really seems to be days 8 and 10.

I got my blood and ultrasound on day 8. I was really disappointed and concerned about this cycle. I only had 3 eggs on the right and 1 on the left. My E2 level was 510. I don't know if that is good or not. They were each 12 or 13 mm. Which isn't bad, since they were all at the same size. I always have a bunch that are runaways and they mature long before any of the rest. I went back in today and found that there are now 4 on the right between 14 and 16. I also have 5 on the left that are between 13 and 16 with an E2 of ~930. At least we now can see some hope.

It doesn't seem to make sense, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth??

I thought I would be back tomorrow, but I am not to return until day 12. I don't have enough medicine to get me though till then. I hope I can get an emergency delivery tomorrow.

I do have a video that cheered me up last night. I guess a lot of people have seen this but I hadn't seen it till last night and have been singing it all day. By the way, please don't play this at work, or at least turn down the volume.

Lupron, anyone?

I seem to have two extra boxes of 14-day lupron. They are unexpired and seem to over-down regulate me. If anyone is looking for any meds, let me know.

Spotting to starting

I spoke to my nurse who explained that since I was on such a short first cycle, I might only spot as a period so I went to my US as scheduled.  Well, about 5pm I started REALLY bleeding.  At least I now for sure that I am cleaned out for a new cycle I guess, but there was certainly no spotting.  As I said, I have an entirely new protocol which includes all new medicines.  Most of which I have never taken before.  So I inject one of them this morning into my leg as usual and immediately feel like a bruise.  No big deal, sometimes I bruise, well this proceeded to become actual real pain and difficulty walking.  I thought that a little walk around the neighborhood would be a good idea to get the medicine moving into my body and out of my leg, so I went for a 3 mile walk.  Normally when I go for a walk I try to do around 5 miles, so it feels like 'exercise' but I was in such pain that I had to come home early. 

Great, there are only 10-13 more days of this medicine.  Yay.

Beginning IVF #5

Today the spotting begins.  My cycle is starting and I need to get my first US tomorrow.  I am terribly nervous and a little teary.  I am doubling up on Acupuncture and Massage for the next couple of weeks to help 'calm' me.  I don't know that it works that way but at least while I am there I am allowed to sit in a blank quiet room nothing but a warm lamp on and some light music.  I do find that I get to drift a little during that part, though the last massage has left some significant bruising. 

This is not a joke.  I had trouble sleeping the first night because every time I turned over, I woke myself up with a stabbing pain.  I am hoping that a hot bath and another massage (with some rules set!) might help. 

I am worried about the spotting as I am not really at day 1, but I spoke to the nurse and since I am on a short course of BC and am only 2 weeks into my cycle, she doesn't expect much more than spotting.  I don't know.  This whole cycle is so different from any that we have done previously.  That could be good or not.  I have no idea. 

The old clinic sent a letter recently to say that the Dr who was our guy is no longer with the facility.  Of course there is no 'reason' associated with his leaving, but I would guess that all the bad  press lately couldn't have been helpful.

I don't know what I will do if this is another failed cycle.  I am not sure if I can handle another massive failure.  Even medicated. 

Latest news

Just got an announcement from a friend that she is pregnant, with her third.  I don't think I am dosed appropriately to deal with this.

Scotland review

Here are the photos from our trip. There are around 1100 more but I didn't think you would appreciate that. I tried to post these another way and I am not happy with how it posted. I made them a bit large, so please let me know if this is a problem. Also, please don't click on the thumbnail. It will load a completely different page and that is kind of a pain. I haven't been thrilled with loading to Flickr, so if you can tell me another way to load photos I would greatly appreciate it.

This is only funny to some specific people, but H and I like it!

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This is the William Wallace memorial, in front of it is the ugliest statue of Mel Gibson from Braveheart. It is ridiculous, but absolutely a riot. The memorial is really pretty though.

This castle was under construction and right off the side of the road. It was so cool but we got kicked out really quickly as it was a 'construction site'. This was one of only a few that we could get before getting in trouble.

Here come some of the Highland Games. These were awesome. This is the Caber Toss, which is big stick These are the GIRLS.

These are the men. The Caber is 200 pounds, more or less. There is a goal of getting the pointy end as close to 12 o'clock as possible, but really who cares!!? Just the lifting, grunting, running, and throwing is enough for me!

This is a FIRE PREVENTION DISPLAY. This was done by the firemen to encourage FIRE SAFETY. I am sure that worked. You can't read the note next to the fire, but it says "Next Demonstration 8:30ish".

H is not a little guy, but he looks like a total peanut next to the Games competitors.

Outside of a B&B we stayed at, on one of our last nights.

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It seems that all (most?) of the churches have a wooden roof. Unfortunately this is what happens when that church falls into disrepair. Yes, that is grass where the roof ought to be.

Wedding day, H and I, and the site, inside and out.

Street performers in Edinborough.

Many things are deep fried in Edinbourgh. Including pizza. Or a candy bar that you bought at the convenience store next door. That the guy lets you fry up all by your self! So not the most flattering photo, but it was too amusing not to post.

Scotland, quick update

I only have a second.  I am at an internet cafe and need to run soon. 

 

Choose the second dress and won rave reviews.  When I return home, I will try to post a photo.  I was called a statue by the groom, which I took as a compliment.  More details about the wedding soon!!

Mental update

I have been on my meds now for about 2 months.  Maybe a bit more than that, but everything is so amazingly different.  I know I gave an update earlier about the change after 4 weeks and that was truly life-changing.

Now though is different, now I am at a stable dose and a stable feeling about life.  I still get concerned and anxious about stuff, like the fact that I am not working yet, but I don't have a complete and utter breakdown about it. 

We had brunch with some very good friends a few weeks ago and she has been through all of the 'issues' with me for years.  I love these friends, they are incredibly important to us.  They have had to deal with our infertility and everything else in our lives for such a long time, and they don't complain or make anything any harder on me.  She works really hard to try to relieve some of the pressure through little things, like an incredible sense of humor or stories about her own family stuff.  Over brunch we were all laughing so hard about some stories that we were talking about, and I thought she was going to cry, she was laughing so hard.  It dawned on me then that I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed that hard about anything. 

We just talked the other day and mentioned that morning, she said that she was so happy that I seemed to be in such a better place.  Her husband even said in the car on the way home, that it was nice to have me back.  I try to hide as much of the depression from people as I can but I know now how bleak a place I was in.  I am a completely different person to myself and the people I love when I am deep into depair. 

I am a person I even like now.  I wasn't someone I liked then.  I wasn't even someone I could see then.  It is like I am a completely new person now that the medicine is a part of my life.  Thank god, or whoever.

More shopping!

Ok, this time, I haven't bought anything but it is only a matter of time I would guess.

First up, the final product of the dress for our anniversary. This didn't include any jewelry or anything and I ended up wearing my hair in a long pony-tail, but I think you get the idea.





















Now on to the shopping! I am looking for a dress for a wedding in two weeks. I put these two on hold till Saturday and H has seen the pix. He likes the first one and so do I. It is the more expensive of the 2 but we both like it. I think it looks more 'movie-star' which is always a good goal. The second one I think looks more elegant. It is navy and silver which is really pretty. My camera battery was low and so I had to turn off the flash. Unfortunately that means that the aperture was open and I am not real steady so these are pretty shaky. Sorry. I am going to go back tomorrow and show H, so maybe he can take a better photo.




































This one, I just couldn't help myself. I was around the first time this was 'popular'. This just made me laugh so much that I had to take a photo. Do you remember when Madonna wore something just like this in that terrible Susan movie? I do realize how ridiculous this looks, but you have to laugh. I have lived through the 80s three times now!!

Quick update

Ok, a quick update on acupuncture. 

To preface it, I was/am very skeptical about acupuncture and similar treatments.  I have a scientific background and am generally a logical person, which is why I did end up going to acupuncture.  I looked at quite a few journal article in Fertility and Sterility and found that the scientific evidence is pretty good.  Nowhere is there any sort of explanation as to why it might work but the evidence suggests it does.

That being said, one is supposed to 'relax' (hhmmmm, where have we heard that before??), and I hadn't gotten that reaction yet.  After one session, they added massage to the treatment and let me tell you that was the most painful massage ever.  I have some nerve damage in my arms from previous surgeries and so certain areas are extra sensitive.  I thought I was going to cry, but I let him do what he was going to do.  As I said to H, injecting all the meds hurts too, but we don't balk at that.

My lower back was killing me the next couple of days too, but anyway.  The following week, massage came first and it really did help me to relax.  I might even have dozed off for a minute or two during the puncturing, which to me is kinda amazing.

The woman said that this treatment was to 'bring on my period' which I just shrugged at since I have been 5-7 days late the last few months.  She put a few extra needles in and asked me to her when there was shocking pain.  There was! 

The following day I began to spot.  Weird.  Today seems to be day 1, which is 1 day late.  To me that is a huge difference from 5-7 days late, so I am impressed.  They also told me to avoid very cold things during this time, but have they seen the weather!?!  Ice cream is a requirement.  I will see what I can do, but I can't promise anything.

Oh, and I wore the dress for our 3-year anniversary the other night.  I will post the 'final product' pictures as soon as I get them loaded.

Some recommendations:

We just saw a movie the other night that I definitely recommend.  It is called "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and it has Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer.  It is sort of an old fashioned noir mystery and it has a great sense of humor.  It came out last year sometime, but was marketed terribly. 

Also, just started "Cell" by Stephen King.  Very quick read and compelling in an apocolyptic way. 

Just some summer time things to think about.

Latest purchase

Ok, so here is the dress. I like the concept and the price (27$!) but I am not sure of the fit for me. The camera angle is a bit low so I feel like it might not be the most 'flattering'. I don't know how flattering the dress is in general, but it certainly is comfy. Please be as honest!!

Here you go:

Nice evening

We are just starting to plan our life without kids. We just made a future plan for where we will live if we still do not have any kids in a couple of years. I would move now, but H does not want to leave just yet. He is working on a new company and really wants to get everything moving before we move anywhere. Also he has just bought an investment property and he is concerned about living too far away for monitoring.

I would like to get pregnant from our many many procedures, and then move. I would like to move there almost as soon as it is safe. I would probably move back for the last month or so of a pregnancy just for the safety of Boston hospitals, but I could live somewhere else.

I really want to live in another country. I just want to be somewhere else, somewhere different. I want to start over, learn a new language, and just begin my life over.

Would anyone mind if I posted a picture here of a new outfit? I just got a dress a couple of days ago and I do not know how I feel just yet. Please help. I will try to post it in the next day or so. Thanks for any help.

Punctured

Well, I tried it. I went to an acupuncture clinic and had them stick me. I have no idea what it does or if it works. It was totally weird and confusing. I didn't feel relaxed at all, and I don't know how one would feel relaxed with a dozen pins sticking out all over the place.

Most of them didn't hurt much, just a little pinch when they went in, but a few of them were yucky. I didn't like the ones in my head at all, they felt odd the whole time. Once they were in, most of the pins were painless, but the head ones were always uncomfortable. Also, one in my hand hurt, a lot. She removed it immediately and tried to put it back but the pain was bad so it stayed out.

There was also one on my ankle that kinda hurt the whole time. Weird, it was in the same place on my leg as the one that hurt on my hand. I wonder if my 'meridian' is broken at the end.

They said I would have more energy and that part has been true. Yesterday I was a bit of a basket of energy, but most of it was sort of anxious, irritable energy and I don't think that was really the goal. They did give me a huge bag of weeds and told me to brew it into 12 cups of tea to drink over 6 days. I brought it home and my husband basically forbid me to drink it.

I agree, as we have NO IDEA of what is in the bags. I don't even recognize anything in the bags and we don't want to mess up with respect to all the other meds I need to take. So I am taking a pass on this aspect of 'treatment'. I hope it is the right decision.

Oh, and the dreams

One of the problems with the sleep disturbances are that I am having really vivid dreams. The dr says this is normal with this med and most people end up being fine with them. Well, since I am sleeping so lightly these dreams are sort of keeping me awake. Hopefully I will get used to this routine and be able to ignore them soon, but the most recent was a doozy.

I had an appointment with the dr for meds last week and wanted to discuss some research I had done on the subject. The night before I had a fully REAL dream, you know the kind where you feel awake and active through the whole thing?? Well, that dream was that I had a baby, that minute. I hadn't been pregnant, but I went into labor and had a baby. I felt terrible because I was in labor and couldn't call to cancel my appointment with happy-med lady.

Yes, this was my major concern. But also when I looked at the baby, she (yep, girl) was very dark, hair and skin. H is darker than I am, but since I am the color of fish-bellies, that isn't that tough. My first thought was that everyone would know that she was from a donor egg. It was crushing though I was still happy, it was very bitter-sweet.

I don't know if this means I am becoming alright with the donor egg concept or not. Or if my body is telling me that is the only path for us. I don't really know what to think, other than I have a fear of breaking appointments.

Sounds like bitching

I just wanted to make something clear from an earlier post.  Seeing people who have had it so much easier to have children and then to see how they raise those children can be so disappointing.  It is like knowing that you have no 'right'  to comment, but it is so hurtful to experience. 

Again, I love my niece and nephew.  I just don't always love the behavior my sister is fostering in them.  It feels like she is trying to encourage their dependence on her, rather than encourage them to become wonderful individuals.

Acupuncture?

Help, does anyone know how to research acupuncture people in the Boston area? Any help on this would be fabulous!

Thanks

More to vent

H and I watched my niece and nephew this weekend. It was so much fun and really hard at the same time. I love these kids like crazy but sometimes I get so frustrated with my sister and BIL and the way they raise them. Obviously it is really hard to say anything since we don't have kids and so have no 'credibility' with them. We had them from Friday night to Saturday afternoon and then back again Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. My nephew is often wonderful, just a joy to be around, but other times an incredibly hard child to deal with. He has been trained from birth to let everyone around him do everything for him. His sister has also been trained that the second he makes a sound to jump in and give him whatever he asks for.

She packed her own bag and his to come over for the weekend, she is 6.5, he is almost 5.

I try to encourage him to do things on his own but it is hard to change almost 5 years of training.

He was wonderful all evening and day on Saturday but they were going to a birthday party in the afternoon with their mother. He had been asking all day if the party was for his birthday. I explained over and over that no, it was for another child and he would have his party in a couple of months. When his mother picked him up he saw the present and asked it was for him. She said no, and he flipped out. In an absolutely enormous way.

He started screaming his head off and said "I want to punch you in the HEAD" to my sister. Her response, "Ok, get out of the car, you aren't going to the party". Not to be obtuse, but where was she planning on leaving him??

H and I had plans for the rest of the afternoon and had a truck full of stuff to deliver to family, so he couldn't come with us and obviously couldn't stay anywhere alone.

Up till that moment he had been a great kid in a great mood.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.

He had dumped out all his toys and clothes over the course of the weekend. No big deal, but I asked him to pick up the toys. He said no and told his sister to pick them up. She started to and I told her to stop. Finally when he did stop fussing and picked up the toys he did a wonderful job. He lined all the pieces up perfectly evenly and faceup. It was really nice, when he was about halfway through, I was satisfied and asked if he wanted help, his response "No thank you Auntie".

Then before we left, I asked him to pack his stuff, and he was just dumping everything in the bag so it wouldn't fit. Also he is still whining, but not a big deal. When we got to his house he had fallen asleep in the car for 5 minutes so he was a little crabby on wake up. When he woke up he starting screaming again and howling something. S and BIL came running to coddle him. They couldn't understand what he was screaing about but I understand his howling.

He was screaming "THEY MADE ME DO MY OWN STUFF!!".

I couldn't even deal anymore. I just told them what they had for food and their bath status and left.

Absolutely revolting.

Start to clear my head

There has been so much going on that I don't really know where to start. It has been an overwhelming couple of weeks. I have been on my meds and are really becoming more mentally sound, but my sleep has been so disturbed. It got so bad that H wouldn't let me drive anywhere in case I got into an accident. I was waking up every hour or so and sleepy so lightly.

I called the dr and she gave me a second med that was supposed to help my sleeping. It was only going to be for a short time, to reset my schedule. I could take 1-5 pills, as they are low dose. So I started on 1 and didn't sleep through the night, then the next day tried 2. I was better but still not sleeping through the night and still being groggy and a little odd during the day. I tried playing with the schedule and even went to 3 pills. H said I was completely stoned all day. So I am drinking all this caffiene trying to wake up during the day and it is having no effect. I am basically stuck on the couch incoherent.

I am off that med now and still not sleeping through the night. Thank goodness my mood is so much more stable. There is an option to try something to give me a little energy in the day. Perhaps that will allow me to tire myself out during the day and sleep better at night. If I try that path I can only do it for a month or so as I cannot be in a cycle with this new med.

I guess I am still working out all the kinks here. More later.

Too much to talk about

I have so much stored up right now.  I have about a million things I want to talk about and clear out of my head. 

I want to discuss my chemical state, my old clinic, my new clinic, and my weekend baby sitting a niece and nephew.  I haven't meant to store all this up but it has been a weird couple of weeks.  I will check in tomorrow and let you know what is going on.  Right now, exhaustion is setting in.

Thanks for checking on me.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Thank goodness for medicine. Things have gotten so much better since I first went to this new clinic. I haven't actually done a cycle or anything which is disappointing, but I did get some medicine to help me with my hormonal and emotional levels. At first it helped and I finally started to see the world with a little light and less bleak.

It was completely a quirk of fate, and maybe some sort of blessing, that I did all this just a week or so before I was laid off. Even with medication, the lay-off was incredibly hard. For two weeks I was just completely out of touch with life or anything remotely attached. I couldn't focus, think or respond.

Then suddenly the wall broke through and things have gotten so much better. I can now focus on things (most of the time) and it was like breaking through the clouds and coming up into a clear sky. And this was even during the endless rain we had here, or at least it felt like endless rain, it is really hard to tell. Anyway, it turns out that these things often take 4-6 weeks to fully kick in and gain complete effectiveness.

So far I am right on schedule and that is incredible. I am still exhausted all the time, which is another side effect, it may resolve or it may not. If not there are other medical avenues to take and ones more natural (yay to caffeine!!). But even so, just knowing that this is a normal response and that I am not constantly thinking of how to hurt myself without leaving a mess for H to clean up is a wonderful change.

The goal of all this crap

Unfortunately I don't know how to turn this so it is upright. I don't know what I should set to make this work, so I hope you don't mind. I will try to figure out the correct setting for the next one. This is my nephew learning how to play frisbee.

Something less depressing

Right now I am trying to use the Blogger photo option, but the upload is super-slow. Hopefully I will get a flickr account soon and maybe that will be faster. I haven't really played around with any features of this blog, but I want to start. I also took a quick video that I want to try to post if I can figure it out.














Thanks for all the comments about our yard and lawn. H is very proud of that lawn and it has taken us a couple of years to get it to this point. When we moved in the backyard was a disaster. It was all uneven and had no grass on a huge chunk of it. H was determined to have a great big green carpet and he succeeded.



















We bought and loved that chiminea the first season we got it. We even had a huge bonfire in it once, there was lighter fluid involved and it looked like a rocket, very cool. After that though, we have hardly used it at all. I want to try to use it again this year. If the weather will cooperate, maybe we can start using it. Unfortunately it isn't really big enough to use the firewood for the fireplace so we have to get wood specifically sized to fit in the chiminea. Maybe that is what always deters us?















This last one is from a graveyard down in Boston. I just like the textures and 'feel' of it.



















Please let me know what you think. I love the video I shot today. Unfortunately I ran out of memory about 10 seconds in, but I guess that means you are not subjected to a long, rambling video when I get it posted.

Something different

There isn't much to report in IF land. Most everyone seems to be doing horribly this week.

Next week we are hoping to find out if there is some genetic reason that this is so hard. Turns out that both H and I have some likelihood of a problem due to our backgrounds. In fact we have different backgrounds but the same likely problem. Weird.

I just wanted to post something different, so here goes...

I hope this works.

This is one reason for all the pervasive depression. Yes, those are raindrops and they have been there for weeks.

Because of this, I wanted to also post a couple from the brief breaks in the weather. Some of those are kinda old, but since we haven't had sun for 3 consecutive days in months, we have had the endless spring so some of these are from the last week or two. I will try posting those later today.

Please let me know what you think.

OK, so I meant a 35 day cycle

I guess I haven't hit menopause yet.  Just a weird 35 day cycle, hopefully it was just a weird one-time thing.  This is a very rare thing for me to be so irregular.  I hope this is not repeated.  Unfortunately this means we might not be able to do a cycle before we are supposed to go on a long trip for a friend's wedding.  That might mean that we are on hold until September/October. 

That would mean that we have only had 2 IVF cycles in one whole year.  One failed at 6 weeks but took an extra couple to confirm and then 4 months off 'down time' and the last cycle, the raging failure. 

What is going on?

I can't stand this.  I am now 4 or 5 days late on my period.  I am generally incredibly regular and I don't know what is going on.  Of course, I POAS, on day 1 and it was negative. 

But the sticks were expired, so maybe they don't really work, and just because the control line was perfect and dark doesn't mean anything, right? 

So I went to the store again last night and bought another pack.  I figured I would wait until today, in case I began to spot, but nothing again this morning, so I peed on another stick. 

This one, just like the last, was a BFN.  Nothing, and these aren't expired, nor was there even the pink window that might confuse the subject for a minute.  Less than nothing.

So now I am certain that I am not pregnant but I am still not bleeding.  We are not going to be able to do this cycle anyway because we are at a new place and we need to go through their 'routine', but when will we be able to move forward?  This is so frustrating, but also I just don't know what is going on with my body.  Is this a sign of something wrong? 

Since my last cycle was such a crazy disaster, and the clomid challenge was a bit of a failure, maybe there is some developing problem. 

I don't even know how to ask dr google for the answer to this question.  It is possible that this is stress-related, since the lay-off, but I don't really think so.  I don't really feel stressed out or anything.  It just feels like this isn't even the right week.  It feels like a normal mid-month day.  This is all so confusing.

Stupid Hope

So, now I am finally working my life out a little and somehow hope is creeping back in.  I feel like I finally got my hope under control and, well, today should be day 1.  It isn't and so of course, I start to believe it might be possible. 

I know we didn't do a cycle this month but we did the Clom1d Challenge and maybe that gave me an extra egg or two.  Also H's numbers are much better this month than they have been over the last year.  I feel like I have tamped down all hope so as not to be so disappointed when failure occurs. 

With everything else going on over these last few weeks, I thought, maybe something good might happen.  I always start spotting a few days before my D1.  Today should be  D1 but there has been nothing, no spotting, no PMS based depression (which doesn't mean anything now that the meds are kicking in), nothing except a weird lethargy.

Doesn't all of this mean I could be pregnant?  I have decided to go about my life as if I were a 'normal' and have a beer if I want to or even a Coke.  Just to act for 1 month as if pregnancy could 'just happen'. 

Of course, because of the rest of what has been going on and the universe's unfailing sense of humor I POAS.  For a second the whole second spot was pink, not a line, the whole field.  I wanted to believe.  I left it to develop and looked back several minutes later and found...

nothing.

No line, no color, no faint pink that I could analyze over the next 24 hours as 'just maybe'. 

nothing.

I hate this.

Starting fresh

Well, I am trying to restart my life.  I am finally getting over the shock of the layoff and the rest of my week.  I have been trying to get some regular exercise now that I have a little extra time on my hands.  I went for a long walk today but I was exhausted.  My body is just collapsing, I was completely useless for the rest of the afternoon.  I don't feel sick but my body is not at 100%.  I am hoping that this is just a backlash from all the shock of the last week.  I was truly stunned by my layoff and it was so incredibly quick that I am still processing how I feel about the situation. 

I had a family event this weekend and while I won't post specifics of the occasion, I will say that there was an enormous blow-out with my MIL.  It was completely ugly and horrid.  Let's just say that the day was pretty much ruined for everyone involved and that sucked a lot.  H was pretty great though and defended me and was calm about the whole situation.  This is not his standard response regarding his mother so I was really proud of him and grateful for the way he dealt with everything. 

I am wondering what to do with my remaining cycles of IVF.  I think we only have 2 left on insurance.  I believe that Massachusetts only requires that they pay for 6.  I was doing some more research today and think that Cornell is pretty much the best clinic in the country with the most experience.  The clinic we are at is the best in MA but now that I am not working I am wondering if we should try to go to the best place and just go for broke?  I have no idea how long it would take to get in and be seen.  If I had known that I would be laid off and when, I could have planned to go to NY to be seen by them. 

Now I have to wait again, it all seems to take so long.  It almost isn't fair to count how long you have been trying by time, because every change adds so many months onto the schedule. 

Thank god for medication.  I think that I would have had a complete and uter mental breakdown if I hadn't gotten to speak to someone just the week before.  I finally got some help just the week before the worst week on record.  I don't know where I would be now if I hadn't gotten this help.  I have had PMDD before but was told that I couldn't take the medication while trying to get pregnant.  Well thank god for this new clinic, they do not believe this and they believe that being over-stressed and over-sensitive are huge factors in failure to carry a pregnancy.  Also they feel that there is a correlation between this problem and post-partum depression. 

They gave me articles on the worst side-effects, which I really appreciated.  I appreciate the fact that they didn't try to show me the best case scenario, since I am obviously not the best case scenario.  The articles about the worst case were not bad, and I don't feel like the research was done very well anyway, so I don't put a lot of faith in at least one of the articles. Its kinda like saying that you can have the chicken pox vaccine but you might get a fever from it.  Really the possibility of that is pretty much worth the chance.

This seems like a lot of different ideas all mixed up in one posting.  Maybe it has been a full week?

Surprise

So after the rest of this week's info, today I got laid off.

Come on world, what else do you want to throw at me?

New Clinic

Finally got most of our results from the new clinic.  We did a whole bunch of tests which had not been done before.  Yet another crappy day.

I did the clomid challenge test, and did the blood tests on day 3 and day 10.  Most of my numbers are normal except FSH, day 3 I was 2.7 (normal is above 3.9) and day 10 is 10.6 (normal is under 10).

Normally a low initial number means there is another 'obvious' problem.  Usually there is anorexia, exercise-bulimia, lack of menstruation, etc.  Just to clear the concerns, none of those things apply to me.  Not by a very very long shot.

Also a high day 10 number means that there is a decreased ovarian reserve. 

These are all bad things, though the dr can't really tell us what both of them together means. 

Good news...H's numbers have improved.  His motility is still a little low but his morphology has just entered the normal range. 

Our dr recommended that we do another cycle using my eggs, but that we should plan on using donor eggs in the very near future.  She said that we stand a fairly slim chance of getting pregnant using our own genetic material. 

Another piece of info that I need to process.  When is it time to give up?

What I was avoiding

I have never told any of my siblings about treatment or anything.  I have been avoiding the pity, the sympathy that I would get.  I don't want to get special treatment for this situation.  I did finally tell my mother when I lost the 3rd IVF and needed a DNC.  I felt so alone and I guess I wanted my mother.  That feels so sad to me. 

Today, on this black day, H and I invited both the SILs and my mother for brunch.  It was a very nice day, but my mother brought both my sister and I a plant.  I had her give mine to my SIL, who has a child.  I know she wanted to be kind, but it hurt. 

It hurt that she wanted to make a point of giving me something on mother's day.  I am obviously not a mother ad I don't deservea gift at this point. 

Maybe I will never get a gift on this day.  Perhaps I will never achieve this goal.  If this is true then I will never receive a gift and I dont' want to start faking it now.

Trying to deal

It has been forever and I really needed some time to work through things in my brain.  I have been busy with work but my life has been a disaster with regards to treatment. 

I stopped writing a while ago because I was so furious that I couldn't seem to write without a burst of rage in my head.  My face gets hot and I feel a little lightheaded whenever I get this angry.  It all started because of the CDC report.  We had decided on a clinic originally, primarily based on convenience and ease of getting an appointment.  The closest clinic could get us in in ~6 weeks while the 'better' hospitals couldn't let us in for 4 months.  Since that seemed like forever while we were still naive about treatment timelines we chose the easier site.

We still tried to ask the right questions, obviously the one about success rates came up.  We were told that they were 'about 40%' which is pretty average to good.  So we figured that if their success rate was pretty much where you would like it to be, then this clinic was fine.

Well, then the CDC report comes out.

Now, first of all, I am 33.  I was 32 when this all began.  I was told that since I am 'so young' to be doing ART that the eggs are no problem.  The embryologist told me that my eggs were very nice and young looking. 

The CDC report says that their success rate of live baby is 24.6%.  This number disgusts me.  For so many reasons.

This is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than what we were told verbally.  It is the worst number in the state in fact.  I was so revolted and angry.  I couldn't believe the betrayal.  These people will tell you anything to get you into the clinic because once you are in it is difficult to leave.  You need to find another doctor, get into another facility, and in our case, figure out how you are going to get in and out of the city 30 miles away while still holding down a full time job.

When I confronted the doctor about this I was told that at that time there was a different embryologist who was terrible and that they fired her and changed all the lab personnel.  Supposedly their numbers are now around 40%, but how am I to believe that?  I called the embryologist and the doctor told me to request their latest numbers and she never called me back.  I tried repeatedly to find out their real statistics and hit a roadblock on every front. 

Even our local paper did an article on the economics of fertility and mentioned that our clinic had the worst stats in the state.

Of course at this point, we have already done 3 IVF cycles, 1 IUI, we had gotten pregnant once for about 15 minutes and had to wait 4 months after the DNC to be able to start a new cycle.

During this time, I couldn't even think about a new clinic, and new doctor, another cycle.  My head was filled with grey clouds and nothing broke through. 

I finally called the "best" clinic in the area, at least the one with the highest success rate.  If I knew what questions to ask, we would have been here earlier, so now the 4 month wait at the beginning might have been nothing.  We might already have a child, or at least been pregnant instead of meeting all new doctors and figuring out an entirely new system.

While waiting for our appointment, I still had enough time to do another cycle, so we did.

What a disaster, there were signs everywhere telling us to stop, but we are stubborn.  Very very stubborn.  We don't allow a lot of roadblocks to slow us down any.  In fact, H believes that we can just plow through this 'fertility problem', but that is story for another day.

We began the cycle and were told that at this point we should think about using donor sperm to determine what the problem is.  H's morphology numbers are low, but we are doing ICSI so theoretically we should be able to pick the best and brightest of the lot for implant.  Normally in our cycles we find a high percentage of the eggs fertilize, so another reason to think that maybe the sperm numbers aren't as bad as they look. 

My eggs on the other hand, (just as an aside, I have always known that I would have trouble getting pregnant, I have known this since I was a child, now back to our story), I seem to produce a fair number, somewhere in the vicinity of 20 eggs/retrieval.  But unfortunately only ~50% of them are mature.  I have had a problem with this but was told that as long as we were at 50% it was considered a success.  We then get about 90% fertilize, so that is great.

But then they start dying.  By the 3rd day, most of the embryos have achieved a significant amount of fragmentation, and we have never frozen any embryos.  So we are day 2 transfer people, but even then the embryos start to fail.

We discuss this with the embryologist and she ran a DNA fragmentation test on H to see where his sample falls.  He definately has higher fragmentation than is considered normal, but not so far that it is impossible to get normal samples.  She swore to us that this was a sperm problem.  She told us that she had a 'feeling about this stuff'.  She knew that what we had to overcome was a sperm problem.

On to the cycle.  I did everything exactly as before, but this time only got 10 eggs, and only 6 were mature.  We got a donor sample to use as a comparison to H to see where the problem lies.  A few days before transfer we spoke to a different doctor and he flat out told us that if I were older they wouldn't even be looking at H as the problem.  He felt that these were all an egg issue, but all along our doctor and the embryogist told us that it was the sperm. 

We split the sample and did 3:3.  Of each only 2 fertilized and I had to call on the second day (they hoped to hold off until day 3) to find out their status.  I was told that they would look and call me back.  I was called ~45 minutes later and asked how quickly I could arrive.  All the embryos were failing rapidly.  Of each group, one had already stopped dividing and the other was fragmenting.  We almost didn't go in at all, but it seemed so wasteful to not even try.  When I was on the table for the implantation, our doctor said "Well I guess this means it is an egg issue"  Thanks for the newsflash!!  When I looked up egg quality there are 5 signs, I have 3 of them and the last one is that you are over 40.  So really I only miss 1 of the possibles.  How is it that I can find that is 2 minutes, but it takes the doctors 15 months to figure that out??

By this point we have met with the new clinic and they have given us new hope.  Though really, we need to define hope here.  H is now all gung-ho that the first cycle at the new facility will be the one and I am so deeply into depression that I can't even see the light.  There are a million things they want to retest, and discuss and they want to do a completely new cycle.  God knows if this will change anything, but at least I have seen 10 different doctors and nurses to feel like there are more minds at work on this problem.

Of course you know what happened next.  I went for my HCG test already spotting.  I knew what I should feel like, and I knew that I did not feel that way.  I knew the answer before the nurse called.  Speaking of nurses, the nurse who called me is very kind, but as I pointed out to her when I went in that morning, she was the only one left who worked there when we first started at the clinic.  I have lapped all the other nurses there.  I think if a patient is at the clinic longer than the nurses, maybe that is a sign of a real problem. 

Now I am in the new clinic.  They are running test, test, test on me and I hope they can tell me what the problems are, but I dont' know if I hold out a lot of hope. 

I will try to keep you updated.