Thursday, March 29, 2007

Is this a joke?

Back again this morning.  Had the nicest wand jockey ever.  He was very gentle, especially considering the fact that I am achy and crampy.  I got 'good' results.  Now there are 9 follicles on the right and 3 on the left still.  The 9 are 27 to 36 mm^2, the ones on the left are a bit smaller.

They want me to go ANOTHER DAY.  Seriously, I am going to burst.  I have never had to stim this long before.  I 'planned' everything out so that I wouldn't have a procedure on April Fool's Day.  I had it all worked out so I would have my retrieval on Thursday or Friday and transfer on Monday/Tuesday. 

Then they had my stay on another day, so I was pushed to Saturday still OK.  Then they told me that I was to go another day.  Seriously I am going to pop and I am running out of meds.

And we are pushed to a SUNDAY, APRIL FOOLS RETRIEVAL.  Is this a total joke?  I don't get it.  No two cycles have been the same.  Of course we haven't had the final result we were hoping for, so maybe that is alright.

So what joke are you planning for April Fool's Day??

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Do I have nothing to say??

It seems like I have nothing to say.  I haven't been posting frequently which is sad, because I have so much going on in my brain right now.  There has been so much going on, but much of it seems inappropriate to discuss on a public forum.

I have been getting my testing done and so far there are 7 follicles on the right and 3 on the left.  None of them seems to be the 'right' size, so I have 2 more days of pin-cushion-hood.  Right now it looks like I will take meds until Thursday, hCG on Thursday evening, retrieval Saturday, transfer Tuesday. 

I guess this is good, I did have a superstition about not doing a procedure on April 1, so no one can say "Ha it was just a joke!" but I have had superstitions before and those never worked out either.  I am just sort of barely believing this is possible.  I mean, I must believe it to some degree or I wouldn't be doing it, right?  But it seems like the world's longest shot so it doesn't feel like a great idea to go putting all this hope into the process.

As I was leaving testing today, there was a woman and her husband walking in.  She was sobbing and I wanted to walk up to her and give her a hug.  I know she had an ultrasound or something and didn't get the answer she was hoping for.  I wanted to give her a hug in the hallway, but I didn't.  I didn't because I know this is a private moment between a husband and wife, but I also regret not going up to her. 

This is such a lonely process and I know that it is better when those you invite in are helpful, but I do wish I had let her know that she wasn't completely alone.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Throw everything at the problem

I finally received the meds for this cycle and the box was a bit overwhelming. I had to take a few pics to really get a feeling of the contents. Here is what I saw when I opened the box...

And then I opened up the bags and found more crap...

I guess this them saying " this is everything we have, so good luck". It feels very 'end of the line' to me. This sucks.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Book Tour

A couple of months ago, I agreed to join a book tour to discuss the novel "Children of Men".  I was (obviously) interested in the topic of infertility and the movie trailers also piqued my interest.  There are 22 questions to choose from and we agreed to pick 5 each.  I am having a hard time with this part of the discussion.  Many of the questions ask about very personal information about my own experience with infertility.  I have a blog, and I do share some information, but there is still an awful lot that I keep private.  I would never want H to come to my site and feel like I betrayed a confidence.  That would do far more harm than help me to 'deal' with my situation.  I am looking forward to the next book, as it is a novel that I have read and enjoyed, but one that has no 'personal' connection.

Please feel free to comment and discuss your own personal views.  Also, check out next months option and join in if you like.

From the organizer:

Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men?  Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens (  Want to come along for the next tour?  Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along.  All you need is a book and blog.

Now on to the questions I feel comfortable answering.  Next month I feel like I will be able to join in to the discussion far more fully, without feeling so guarded.

1. Though there are interesting female characters in the forefront of the novel, the cast of thousands of infertile women in the background are portrayed as crazy, desperate, and delusional. Did you feel P.D. James captured the emotions of infertility or do you think she merely repeated the image presented in the general media--infertile women are desperate and single-minded and obsessed with babies and pregnancy?

It seems to me that the women in the background are broad strokes interpretations of women.  To me it was also as if each background character was one individual emotion or feeling.  The women who was crazy with baby-lust, pushing a doll or kitten around, those women are a view into IF at a specific time and place.  It is like trying to find some sort of replacement for all the love and feeling you hope to shower onto your child but are frustrated with.  The woman who bashes the head of the doll is releasing some of the rage and anger that IF instills you with.  It is like each individual is actually one moment in time during IF.  These are not fleshed out women who are dealing with every aspect of IF.  Instead they are just a snapshot of the experience.

8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand)

It is like a perfect joke.  Those who feel they are perfect and unflawed undergo every test, every indignity, while those who are less 'perfect' create something without thought or effort.  It was difficult to read about these people with their 'faith' in religion and moral character who could create life without all the anxiety of IF procedures.  These people were flawed in more than just their physical aspects.  They were less than good.  I never truly felt for either the mother or the father.  They both seemed to me to be hypocrites.  He a priest, she a married religious woman.  I never felt the love for her that the narrator feels.  He loves her strength but I feel her weakness makes a mockery of the fact that she is the only woman to carry a child.

I am sure there is much the same feeling when looking at friends and family and there fertility.  It is always such a blow to an IF when there is another pregnancy announcement.  Another horrifying moment when you think, "What is wrong with me?  Why am I being punished?"

14. If you were living in this time period and were given the ability to become pregnant but knew you would be the only person to do so, would you have that child knowing that they would be completely alone in an empty world for the last twenty-odd years of their life?

This is a hard question.  On one hand, I would say yes, with all the work and effort to try to bear a child, I would probably continue.  In my head it would seem that if even one person in one country can have a child, there might be another child in another place.  At some point these children might find each other or not.  Either way, the chance to actually have a child, even a child who might one day be very lonely, would be very powerful. 

IF is such a lonely experience, I think someone who has such a difficult time getting pregnant could explain to a child what they might expect for their future.  They might be lonely but who knows what a person could achieve if there were no responsibilities, no distractions.  Perhaps they would become another Michelangelo or Shakespeare.  Perhaps they would just watch every movie ever made. 

15. Some parts of the book were written in first-person narrator and other parts were written as third-person omniscient. Did this make the book more or less compelling? How did this change in narration style impact your enjoyment and/or understanding of the book?

I found this so distracting as to diminish my enjoyment of this book.  I found it so difficult to get back into the story each time the narration style was changed.  It was like reading two books at the same time (which I have done on WAY more than one occasion), but I didn't enjoy one of the books.  While reading from Theo's perspective I felt compelled to push forward.  To understand his thoughts and feelings, but the 3rd person viewpoint ripped me from that perspective.  I didn't 'like' the 3rd person view, it felt cold and distanced from the plot.  It felt like an attempt to distance the author but instead distanced the reader.  Each transition was harder for me, rather than easier.  I never felt for the characters during the 3rd person, while I felt very intrigued by Theo and Xan's interactions and history.

22. The Omegas are portrayed as cruel, self-obsessed and cold. Do you suppose that's a function of the way they were raised (as the last generation of children) or something inherent in them? Do you think that infertility has an effect on parenting?

This was another aspect of the book I had trouble with.  I know that many of the people I know (by no means all) who have had no IF issues or concerns have raised their children differently than those who either had difficulty having a child or chose to have only one for age or other personal reasons.  To me I actually see the opposite effect. 

Parents who worked harder to have a child are often more caring and considerate to their children and the people around them.  They seem to instill a larger consideration and kindness into their children than those who have never thought about what parenting means.  The children who I see that are cold, self-obsessed and just not very nice, come from homes where they are not valued as children but as objects.  Just another item to show off to those around you.  The children that come from homes where there are no rules and no courtesy are not usually those that have experienced IF. 

(Please, this question is the most personal one I answered and I tried to be truthful without being hurtful.  Please take this in the spirit it was written, not as a judgment, just an observation from a very small data set.)

Sunday, March 04, 2007


This is sad and horrifying.  H and I had a wonderful weekend away right after Valentine's.  I thought, it was 'relaxing' and just plain old nice.  We had a wonderful weekend, and the 'timing' was right.  I thought, hoped, that this might be the charm.  I have been acupunctured and yet, yesterday was day 1.  Another day 1. 

It is hateful. 

We spoke with the dr this week and we have the same/similar protocol as the last time.  With the expected same results.  I am sad and frustrated today.  I don't think a couple glasses of wine had a positive result on my mood.

Seriously a couple equals 2.  Not a bottle or anything, but I think I am just on the edge of unhappy and this pushed me right over the side.

BCP starts tomorrow.  I have a huge suspicion about April Fool's Day, and don't want a transfer/retrieval to occur on April 1, but then I had a 'suspicion' about 2 weeks ago.

This doesn't get better does it?