Sunday, May 14, 2006

What I was avoiding

I have never told any of my siblings about treatment or anything.  I have been avoiding the pity, the sympathy that I would get.  I don't want to get special treatment for this situation.  I did finally tell my mother when I lost the 3rd IVF and needed a DNC.  I felt so alone and I guess I wanted my mother.  That feels so sad to me. 

Today, on this black day, H and I invited both the SILs and my mother for brunch.  It was a very nice day, but my mother brought both my sister and I a plant.  I had her give mine to my SIL, who has a child.  I know she wanted to be kind, but it hurt. 

It hurt that she wanted to make a point of giving me something on mother's day.  I am obviously not a mother ad I don't deservea gift at this point. 

Maybe I will never get a gift on this day.  Perhaps I will never achieve this goal.  If this is true then I will never receive a gift and I dont' want to start faking it now.


Thalia said...

I think you could have kept the gift, sweetie. If you'd had a baby, and that baby had died, you would still think of yourself as a mother, right? So why is it so different when your future baby died in utero. Don't beat yourself up too much. I know it's awful and i'm just incredibly glad that (i) mothers day is in february in the UK, and (ii) it's not nearly such a big deal.

J Fife said...

N - I'm sorry for the pain this holiday brought you. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You are successful and deserving of all good things that come your way. Hugs.