Friday, July 28, 2006

Nice evening

We are just starting to plan our life without kids. We just made a future plan for where we will live if we still do not have any kids in a couple of years. I would move now, but H does not want to leave just yet. He is working on a new company and really wants to get everything moving before we move anywhere. Also he has just bought an investment property and he is concerned about living too far away for monitoring.

I would like to get pregnant from our many many procedures, and then move. I would like to move there almost as soon as it is safe. I would probably move back for the last month or so of a pregnancy just for the safety of Boston hospitals, but I could live somewhere else.

I really want to live in another country. I just want to be somewhere else, somewhere different. I want to start over, learn a new language, and just begin my life over.

Would anyone mind if I posted a picture here of a new outfit? I just got a dress a couple of days ago and I do not know how I feel just yet. Please help. I will try to post it in the next day or so. Thanks for any help.

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Well, I tried it. I went to an acupuncture clinic and had them stick me. I have no idea what it does or if it works. It was totally weird and confusing. I didn't feel relaxed at all, and I don't know how one would feel relaxed with a dozen pins sticking out all over the place.

Most of them didn't hurt much, just a little pinch when they went in, but a few of them were yucky. I didn't like the ones in my head at all, they felt odd the whole time. Once they were in, most of the pins were painless, but the head ones were always uncomfortable. Also, one in my hand hurt, a lot. She removed it immediately and tried to put it back but the pain was bad so it stayed out.

There was also one on my ankle that kinda hurt the whole time. Weird, it was in the same place on my leg as the one that hurt on my hand. I wonder if my 'meridian' is broken at the end.

They said I would have more energy and that part has been true. Yesterday I was a bit of a basket of energy, but most of it was sort of anxious, irritable energy and I don't think that was really the goal. They did give me a huge bag of weeds and told me to brew it into 12 cups of tea to drink over 6 days. I brought it home and my husband basically forbid me to drink it.

I agree, as we have NO IDEA of what is in the bags. I don't even recognize anything in the bags and we don't want to mess up with respect to all the other meds I need to take. So I am taking a pass on this aspect of 'treatment'. I hope it is the right decision.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Oh, and the dreams

One of the problems with the sleep disturbances are that I am having really vivid dreams. The dr says this is normal with this med and most people end up being fine with them. Well, since I am sleeping so lightly these dreams are sort of keeping me awake. Hopefully I will get used to this routine and be able to ignore them soon, but the most recent was a doozy.

I had an appointment with the dr for meds last week and wanted to discuss some research I had done on the subject. The night before I had a fully REAL dream, you know the kind where you feel awake and active through the whole thing?? Well, that dream was that I had a baby, that minute. I hadn't been pregnant, but I went into labor and had a baby. I felt terrible because I was in labor and couldn't call to cancel my appointment with happy-med lady.

Yes, this was my major concern. But also when I looked at the baby, she (yep, girl) was very dark, hair and skin. H is darker than I am, but since I am the color of fish-bellies, that isn't that tough. My first thought was that everyone would know that she was from a donor egg. It was crushing though I was still happy, it was very bitter-sweet.

I don't know if this means I am becoming alright with the donor egg concept or not. Or if my body is telling me that is the only path for us. I don't really know what to think, other than I have a fear of breaking appointments.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Sounds like bitching

I just wanted to make something clear from an earlier post.  Seeing people who have had it so much easier to have children and then to see how they raise those children can be so disappointing.  It is like knowing that you have no 'right'  to comment, but it is so hurtful to experience. 

Again, I love my niece and nephew.  I just don't always love the behavior my sister is fostering in them.  It feels like she is trying to encourage their dependence on her, rather than encourage them to become wonderful individuals.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006


Help, does anyone know how to research acupuncture people in the Boston area? Any help on this would be fabulous!


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

More to vent

H and I watched my niece and nephew this weekend. It was so much fun and really hard at the same time. I love these kids like crazy but sometimes I get so frustrated with my sister and BIL and the way they raise them. Obviously it is really hard to say anything since we don't have kids and so have no 'credibility' with them. We had them from Friday night to Saturday afternoon and then back again Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. My nephew is often wonderful, just a joy to be around, but other times an incredibly hard child to deal with. He has been trained from birth to let everyone around him do everything for him. His sister has also been trained that the second he makes a sound to jump in and give him whatever he asks for.

She packed her own bag and his to come over for the weekend, she is 6.5, he is almost 5.

I try to encourage him to do things on his own but it is hard to change almost 5 years of training.

He was wonderful all evening and day on Saturday but they were going to a birthday party in the afternoon with their mother. He had been asking all day if the party was for his birthday. I explained over and over that no, it was for another child and he would have his party in a couple of months. When his mother picked him up he saw the present and asked it was for him. She said no, and he flipped out. In an absolutely enormous way.

He started screaming his head off and said "I want to punch you in the HEAD" to my sister. Her response, "Ok, get out of the car, you aren't going to the party". Not to be obtuse, but where was she planning on leaving him??

H and I had plans for the rest of the afternoon and had a truck full of stuff to deliver to family, so he couldn't come with us and obviously couldn't stay anywhere alone.

Up till that moment he had been a great kid in a great mood.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.

He had dumped out all his toys and clothes over the course of the weekend. No big deal, but I asked him to pick up the toys. He said no and told his sister to pick them up. She started to and I told her to stop. Finally when he did stop fussing and picked up the toys he did a wonderful job. He lined all the pieces up perfectly evenly and faceup. It was really nice, when he was about halfway through, I was satisfied and asked if he wanted help, his response "No thank you Auntie".

Then before we left, I asked him to pack his stuff, and he was just dumping everything in the bag so it wouldn't fit. Also he is still whining, but not a big deal. When we got to his house he had fallen asleep in the car for 5 minutes so he was a little crabby on wake up. When he woke up he starting screaming again and howling something. S and BIL came running to coddle him. They couldn't understand what he was screaing about but I understand his howling.

He was screaming "THEY MADE ME DO MY OWN STUFF!!".

I couldn't even deal anymore. I just told them what they had for food and their bath status and left.

Absolutely revolting.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Start to clear my head

There has been so much going on that I don't really know where to start. It has been an overwhelming couple of weeks. I have been on my meds and are really becoming more mentally sound, but my sleep has been so disturbed. It got so bad that H wouldn't let me drive anywhere in case I got into an accident. I was waking up every hour or so and sleepy so lightly.

I called the dr and she gave me a second med that was supposed to help my sleeping. It was only going to be for a short time, to reset my schedule. I could take 1-5 pills, as they are low dose. So I started on 1 and didn't sleep through the night, then the next day tried 2. I was better but still not sleeping through the night and still being groggy and a little odd during the day. I tried playing with the schedule and even went to 3 pills. H said I was completely stoned all day. So I am drinking all this caffiene trying to wake up during the day and it is having no effect. I am basically stuck on the couch incoherent.

I am off that med now and still not sleeping through the night. Thank goodness my mood is so much more stable. There is an option to try something to give me a little energy in the day. Perhaps that will allow me to tire myself out during the day and sleep better at night. If I try that path I can only do it for a month or so as I cannot be in a cycle with this new med.

I guess I am still working out all the kinks here. More later.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

Too much to talk about

I have so much stored up right now.  I have about a million things I want to talk about and clear out of my head. 

I want to discuss my chemical state, my old clinic, my new clinic, and my weekend baby sitting a niece and nephew.  I haven't meant to store all this up but it has been a weird couple of weeks.  I will check in tomorrow and let you know what is going on.  Right now, exhaustion is setting in.

Thanks for checking on me.