Thursday, December 07, 2006

Tormenting myself

Shopping today for presents, I spent hours in stores just walking around.  Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections.  I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms, and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes.  It was sad and difficult. 

The worst part was that I haven't been feeling too bad.  I have been a little crampy but not horrible, so I thought physically I was doing well.  After a couple of hours in the store, I felt horrible.  Hot, sweaty, nausea, cramping.  I had to sit down in the aisle for a while.  I always have a book with me, so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while.  I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 

I can't bear to wrap the presents yet.  I can't really stand to look at them yet.  I will try again this weekend.  I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week, though we haven't done anything for our card list yet, so that might be an enthusiastic goal. 

I vetoed a tree this year.  I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree, usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold.  We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2' off the top.  And it still barely made it in the room.  This year, I can't bear it.  I don't want any of that stuff in my house.  I don't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this.  If we had a child, of course I would pull myself together but we don't so why should I have to fake it in my own house.

Time to think about other people...

We have a friend with a health problem.  He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected.  He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned.  If you pray, please do, or just send good thoughts his way. 

3 comments:

Hopeful Mother said...

NCD, I'm so sorry. Grief comes and goes, and sometimes it hits us when we don't expect it and we think we're doing OK.

I can understand your feelings on presents - we are not even doing any this year. Just doesn't feel right on many levels.

I will be praying for your healing, and your friend's health as well.

Ali said...

I will send good thoughts to your friend and also to you. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I entirely understand not wanting the Christmas stuff up--my husband basically put everything up himself this year. I didn't want to deprive him but it's very hard for me to enjoy. And I used to love Christmas.

Anonymous said...

Need to get into the spirit? Sing Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo. It's the only thing that works for me. I got here from the comment you left on Julie's blog. I could resist checking you out since we share the same name. I'll use just about anything to connect these days. Sending hopeful thoughts to you and your friend.