Friday, January 27, 2006

Another pain

A woman at work just announced her pregnancy today.  I know I will see this everywhere and it has been obvious to most of us that she was pregnant, but it hurt a little.

What hurt a lot, was the fact that she is due right around the time I would have been due, had my miniscule pregnancy continued. 

So while I was on a gurney, legs up, waiting for the drugs, she was happily getting pregnant by her husband at home.   (She has only been married a few months, so I doubt there is a fertility Dr in her life)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


It seems that after a failure there is nothing but waiting.  There are some (minor) perks, like being able to have a Cosmo at the holiday party, having a glass of wine for New Year's, sushi for lunch, even lox for Sunday brunch.

All those things are nice, but we have a goal.  We want a child, and being able to have sushi doesn't exactly seem like a fair trade. 

Instead every week I need to go have blood drawn to see that my body isn't freaking out, though why would it?  What are we waiting for?  I was told we need to wait 2 months from the surgery to try again, but noone will tell me why.

All I really want is information.  I don't feel like any of it is complete.  I feel like it comes out in little tiny bursts and only if I pull and fight to get it. 

I am so damn tired of waiting.

Friday, January 06, 2006

another song off the playlist

"Two of a Kind (Working on a Full House)" Garth Brooks

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Everyone knows

Finally, everyone who needs to know, knows. 

I did chose to tell my mother before the DNC.  It was nice to get this out in the open.  I didn't tell her about the fertility, I am not quite ready for that step.

What I did tell her was that I had a miscarriage and needed a DNC.  It turns out she had a DNC last year, so at least she had some concept of the procedure.  That also means that she called every day to ask how I was feeling, with a distinct emphasis on feeling.  I know she expected something of a mental breakdown, and certainly I am very sad, but I am also strong.  She wants me to tell my sisters (2) and I do not have any need to do that.  I have found several friends who are very supportive and don't feel they are the same.  I know they care and that they would like to be helpful, but their particular style of comfort is not exactly what I need.  Both of my sisters are considerably older than I am and they have always seen me as the baby.  Either they would baby-talk to me, or tell me it isn't a big deal. 

I love them, but neither of those responses is the response I need.

Besides, I am getting better every day.  The first week was certainly devestating, but I realize that I didn't do anything wrong, I know that this happens to a lot of people.  It is terrible and sad, especially when it happens later, which luckily for me was not the case.  I was early, I wasn't showing (except that I have gained so much weight from all the medicine and hormones!), very few people knew.  I hadn't even been sick or nauseous.  Logically I understand that I was relatively lucky. 

I have even had a two week check up and found that the ovaries look very good.  All the crap that was in them from throwing out 22 follicles has cleared up and my numbers are decreasing.  I go back next week to learn more, but as soon as I left the office I began to bleed again.  I thought it was the ultrasound, since they very clearly tell you not to put anything in your vagina for 14 days, though their very large wand of an ultrasound seems perfectly acceptable.  I figured I had just started spotting again, though today has shown me to be sorely mistaken.  It looks like I am on day 1 of a new cycle.

There have been good days and bad.  But it will get easier.  Unfortunately there are at least 2 months before I can even begin a new cycle, which takes another 2 months.  That seems like a very long time at this point, especially since this will be IVF #4.

Oh, and I had to tell my Gyn today.  I told him at ~5-6 weeks and failed at 8 weeks.  But I didn't want to face that last phone call.  That was the final nail in the coffin.