Saturday, May 27, 2006

Stupid Hope


So, now I am finally working my life out a little and somehow hope is creeping back in.  I feel like I finally got my hope under control and, well, today should be day 1.  It isn't and so of course, I start to believe it might be possible. 

I know we didn't do a cycle this month but we did the Clom1d Challenge and maybe that gave me an extra egg or two.  Also H's numbers are much better this month than they have been over the last year.  I feel like I have tamped down all hope so as not to be so disappointed when failure occurs. 

With everything else going on over these last few weeks, I thought, maybe something good might happen.  I always start spotting a few days before my D1.  Today should be  D1 but there has been nothing, no spotting, no PMS based depression (which doesn't mean anything now that the meds are kicking in), nothing except a weird lethargy.

Doesn't all of this mean I could be pregnant?  I have decided to go about my life as if I were a 'normal' and have a beer if I want to or even a Coke.  Just to act for 1 month as if pregnancy could 'just happen'. 

Of course, because of the rest of what has been going on and the universe's unfailing sense of humor I POAS.  For a second the whole second spot was pink, not a line, the whole field.  I wanted to believe.  I left it to develop and looked back several minutes later and found...

nothing.

No line, no color, no faint pink that I could analyze over the next 24 hours as 'just maybe'. 

nothing.

I hate this.


6 comments:

Anonymous said...

I came upon your blog while searching "2 day transfers", and I too live in MA and am concerned about the clinic I am at. I won't take over your blog with my experience, but I feel your pain. I am currently looking at other clinics in the Boston area. If possible, would you be willing to email me and tell me which clinic was the bad experience and which is the new one you chose? I have a sinking feeling my clinic is the bad one you experienced as well.... Good luck to you and if you'd email me I'd appreciate it! mellie03@aol.com Thanks so much,

Melissa

Nico said...

I am so sorry that hope was such a bitch to you this cycle. FWIW I totally don't think you were crazy for thinking "maybe...".

Have you decided yet if you're moving forward with the clinic in Boston, or going to Cornell?

*virtual hug*

Thalia said...

I'm sorry it's such a tough cycle. It's always worth hoping just a little, please don't beat yourself up for that.

Rebecca said...

I'm sorry. I wish the test had turned out differently.

J Fife said...

I hate this for you, too. Don't lose hope.

Alexa said...

Oh, shit. I am so sorry. I got all hopeful for a minute reading this post at the beginning...it never fails, does it?
The package arrived safely, by the way. I can't possibly thank you enough.