Saturday, May 27, 2006
So, now I am finally working my life out a little and somehow hope is creeping back in. I feel like I finally got my hope under control and, well, today should be day 1. It isn't and so of course, I start to believe it might be possible.
I know we didn't do a cycle this month but we did the Clom1d Challenge and maybe that gave me an extra egg or two. Also H's numbers are much better this month than they have been over the last year. I feel like I have tamped down all hope so as not to be so disappointed when failure occurs.
With everything else going on over these last few weeks, I thought, maybe something good might happen. I always start spotting a few days before my D1. Today should be D1 but there has been nothing, no spotting, no PMS based depression (which doesn't mean anything now that the meds are kicking in), nothing except a weird lethargy.
Doesn't all of this mean I could be pregnant? I have decided to go about my life as if I were a 'normal' and have a beer if I want to or even a Coke. Just to act for 1 month as if pregnancy could 'just happen'.
Of course, because of the rest of what has been going on and the universe's unfailing sense of humor I POAS. For a second the whole second spot was pink, not a line, the whole field. I wanted to believe. I left it to develop and looked back several minutes later and found...
No line, no color, no faint pink that I could analyze over the next 24 hours as 'just maybe'.
I hate this.