Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Well, we were (not) shocked at the Dr yesterday.  There was no heartbeat at all now and the sack is already starting to collapse.  I knew all of this before as I have mentioned here but it was still sad to see the fading sack on the screen.  The embryo did grow again, a litle, but only 2 days.  So at 8w3d, the dead thing inside of me was only 6w3d in size.  The Dr recommended to get a DNC to get everything cleared out before Christmas. 

I am supposed to have dinner with my family Thursday night around 5:30 and my 'procedure' is at 3.  I doubt I will be able to make dinner, but no one in my family knows why.  I don't know what to tell them.  H thinks he can still go and just say, she isn't feeling well tonight, but I don't think that will fly, since I will be missing a 6-year olds birthday. 

I have never had a DNC (obviously) and it isn't something that has come up in my research.  Ask me about hormone levels, shot placement, timing of cycles and I can tell you anything, but ask me about what to do once you get pregnant and lose it, I got nothing.

I appreciate being able to think out loud here, but still I feel a little alone.  H is good and supportive, and I have a few friends that know, but now with Christmas, and this procedure.  It feels so lonely.  Like I am sitting deep inside a bubble that no one can touch me. 

As an aside, the day before the appointment, I was listening to my iPod and I have Schoolhouse Rock on it.  With "3 is a Magic Number".  I know the words (yes, you can probably work out my age from that) and I just knew what was coming.  So, driving home from work, crying in my car as I hear the words:

A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number.

I did much better with the math part of the lyrics, I have a math-y background, but then they repeat the family part.  How devestating is it that you are not considered a family until you have a child.  We send out our xmas card with family in the first line and this is the first year that felt wrong.  Like I was lying.  We get lots of cards from ... Family but all those people have at least one, if not another on the way. 

They are allowed to use the 'family' word while my husband and I are just pieces waiting for the rest of the puzzle to be complete.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read and commented on my situation.  It really means a lot to both myself and H.


Tomorrow the Dr tells us what is going on and whether we are in the 90% or 10%.  I can hazard a guess. 

Thursday, December 15, 2005

My nephew

Normally there are several people to watch my nephew, but this weekend is impossible for everyone except me.

I explained my feelings to H and he wants me to do it, because this is our goal.  To have our own child that we can do things with all the time.   This should be enjoyable, and it will be.  It just will be a bit bittersweet. 

Also, what if we finally ever do get have a child and try again, and I miscarry again??  I can't just abandon the child I do have to nurse my grief about the child I lost.

Logically I understand this.  Somehow that doesn't make it easier, just something I have to do.

While I am getting my head around what is happening to my body, it will not be truly real until the bleeding begins.  That is being held behind the floodgates precariously created of progesterone pills and estrace.

Still Waiting

I am still waiting for the final decision.  My doctor wants me to stay on meds until next Tuesday Dec 20.  Then we can see how far this has progressed in another week. 

He said that if things still look bad, then I will go off meds.  Then my body will take over and I will have lost my (so far) only chance at getting pregnant. 

I want to let this go now and try to be in a stable mental state for Christmas, but H is not ready  to let go.  He thinks that if he only waits another week, it will start growing and then everything will be fine.  He wants to believe that this can work.  If we work hard enough or do the correct thing that this will fix itself.  He doesn't seem to understand that it should have doubled in this week and probably do so again for next week.  Even if it could survive for a little longer, I think it will only fail later.  When I will be completely unstable.

I am taking care of my 3 year old nephew this weekend too.  I agreed before I knew of the problems and forgot until yesterday.  H doesn't understand that this will be very hard.  I love my nephew, but being around other people's kids is hard now.  Especially since this kid is pretty much what our kid will look like.  H and BIL look very much alike and SIL and I have similar coloring, so I know (kinda) what our kid will look like.  And I will be watching him, all day Saturday. 

Of course, last week we volunteered to host Christmas morning at my house since my dad has been sick.  This is going to be fun.

I am picturing a tough week.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I guess the new name is SBHHA (Something Bad Has Happened Again)

Well the other shoe has finally fallen.  I didn't want to post over the last week because things have been a little too difficult and I wasn't ready to face stuff yet. 

I guess it is time now to clear my mind.

Last week was the first follow up ultrasound at ~6weeks (4 after transfer).  I have now known I am pregnant for 2 full weeks.

The week before my dad had gone to the hospital because he had collapsed.  No apparant reason, just fell over in the dining room while getting ready for dinner.  My mom freaked out and got him to the hospital.  We all went to the ER and hung out for the entire evening.  My dad was fine, just bored and hungry from sitting there all night.  I am sitting there, debating with myself whether I should tell my dad or not.

I mean, I don't want him to die without knowing that his youngest is pregnant, but I also haven't really been telling anyone I am pregnant except the few people who have been supportive during my treatments.  So only 3 people (besides my husband) know about the flickery thing in my belly.  So do I tell him, or wait till I am further along?  He has several more doctor appointments and will very likely have surgery soon and he isn't the youngest dad around.

So, at the ultrasound, I am told that I am a few days behind schedule.  The Dr feels this is no big deal, I probably just implanted a couple days later than they expected.  I should have been 6w2d and instead I was 5w6d.  So instead of being due on July 29, I am likely going to be Aug 1 or 2 (the 2nd is my anniversary).

I am scheduled to go in today for my 7w3d ultrasound and find out that now we are at 6w1d.  So in 8 days, it has only grown 2 days along.  The heart rate was about 100, and should have been around 120 and the size only increased slightly.

We then met with the doctor and the word 'miscarriage' came up a lot.  Not only did it get discussed but it is basically a certainty.  He said that there is maybe a 10% chance of keeping this pregnancy to term. 

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Update (or NBHHY)

Thanks to Nico for letting me know the acronym NBHHY.  Nothing bad has happened yet.  Right now that is still true.  I feel better discussing where things are and where they are going while still undergoing all the fertility treatments.  Now that we have our first positive pregnancy test, I don't want to jinx anything. 

Things are going alright, but if I make one tiny mis-step, will that all go away??

At the moment both H and I feel like, at least we know we CAN get pregnant.  It is possible.  Between us we can come up with one sperm and one egg healthy enough to grow, at least for 4 weeks.  We 'saw' the heartbeat yesterday and found that my progesterone is still 216.8.  I can now go to oral which is 3 pills a day but better than the stick in the butt! 

We were so excited that there was a heartbeat, but then we spoke to the Dr. and he feels that it is a bit 'behind' from when you would expect it to be.  Since implant was Nov 7, on our appointment, it should be 6w2d, but the heart-rate was only 93 and size was 2.8mm.  These are measurements for a 5w6d.  If we are still 2-3 days behind at next weeks appointment, then the Dr feels ok about it, but if we are falling further behind then we can expect failure at some point in the near future. 

Right now the expected date is 7/29, but if we continue to be a few days behind then we will head into August, which is my anniversary and birthday, so that could make our house hectic for 2 weeks.