Thursday, February 28, 2008


We are desperately attempting to teach Sebastian how to sleep, preferably on his own, but certainly for a relatively long period of time. 

This has been going on for about a week.  Generally he only sleeps when he is lying on top of someone.  If he does get put down he usually wakes up within 5 minutes.  This makes accomplishing anything a bit difficult.  It is like he is lonely and likes to be held or nearby someone.  That someone can really be anyone, but is usually me. 

For the last week we have been attempting to add a 'routine' into his evening so he knows that it is bedtime and sleep in his own crib.  The first night was amazingly painful, for everyone, he howled and cried for ever.  We kept going in and rubbing his back, occasionally picking him up and generally trying to reassure him.  The second night was so much easier.  I thought we were doing great.  He was starting to understand what to do and he was ok with the crib.  HA.

The next night we had SIL, BIL, and nephew over and Sebastian didn't sleep much during the day at all.  Then the night came and the misery started.  He would calm down, he wouldn't relax at all.  I nursed him several times trying to get him calm enough to fall asleep and he would eat, then scream again.  We all took turns trying to calm him and hours later, he finally fell asleep.  The next day he slept almost the whole day.  He napped from noon to 7pm with only short alert breaks for nursing.

We have had different amounts of luck over the next few nights, then tonight, I fed him, placed him in the crib, and rubbed his back for a minute.  He is asleep now, calm and beautiful. 

Lets hope he stays down and this is the beginning of a new trend. 

Monday, February 18, 2008

Two Months

This month has been an exciting one.  We have moved house.  You have gotten your first set of vaccinations.  We have joined a new playgroup with other babies your age. 

You are now 12 lbs.  You are such a big beautiful boy.  You still love to sleep on mama as often as you can.  You are incredibly alert.  Your eyes are always looking for something interesting.  I feel like I don't do enough to stimulate you, but I am concerned about over-stimulating you too.  I want you to be interested in the world, but not hyper-active with no attention span.  So far you are amazing, you can play on your gym mat staring at the animals for several minutes at a time.  Your legs are kicking the whole time you are checking out the rattle-ring overhead. 

You cry infrequently.  You are generally a happy baby.  You holler for food very often, some days every hour.  You cry when you are sleepy, but can't calm yourself to sleep.  Otherwise you are pretty calm.  You fuss when you are bored or lonely, but if you are held you are quiet as a mouse.  You love to be cuddled and held and hate to be left alone.  You still don't like to sleep by yourself which we are starting to work on. 

You have gotten so big over the last few weeks.  You are almost always hungry and some days we can see your head grow.  Your eyelashes are getting so long and your hands are so much bigger than when you were born.

You amaze me every day.  I can just sit for hours and stare at you.  Even when I should be sleeping.  We are both still only getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, which is definitely difficult, but amazingly worth it.

It took us over three years and 6 IVF cycles to find you but you are so worth it.  I look back on that time and see how angry and sad I was.  I can still feel the pain, but it is like a memory of the pain.  Sometimes in our playgroup I will 'complain' about how tired I am or how hard it can be, but I am playacting.  I am tired, and there are hard things, but after all the stress and anxiety of infertility to get here, this is nothing.  I complain because all the mothers do and I want to fit in.  I want them to believe we are just a normal family with the normal issues, and we are, but I don't begrudge you any of the exhaustion.  I am amazed at how much I enjoy being tired, being confused about how to keep you interested, learning how to help you sleep/eat/play. 

My OB was considered a high risk practice.  A friend made a comment that she felt it was dumb that I felt the need to go to a high risk practice 'just because it was difficult to get pregnant'.  I was angry with her since my pregnancy with you was not always cake and ice cream, our hcg numbers didn't double as expected, I bled for 3.5 weeks, I was always in a panic that I would miscarry again.  Then I realized that while I told her about our difficulties getting pregnant I never once told her about any issues while I was pregnant.  I was so happy to get to each new stage of my pregnancy.  I only cared about getting to the next week, getting the next ultrasound, seeing your tiny heart beat steadily at 140 bpm. 

I didn't complain because I didn't feel like I had anything to complain about.  I was finally pregnant, it was relatively uneventful, I got a beautiful son. 

I know there are people who are still upset about infertility and I am sure that when/if we need to go back to the doctor to begin again it will be difficult.  It will be difficult, but different.  I would like a larger family, but if I never have any more children I can look at you and say that I am happy with what I have received. 

I look at you with wonder and amazement.  I can't believe how much love I can feel for one tiny little human.  I want to protect and love you and show you the world.