Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Starting fresh

Well, I am trying to restart my life.  I am finally getting over the shock of the layoff and the rest of my week.  I have been trying to get some regular exercise now that I have a little extra time on my hands.  I went for a long walk today but I was exhausted.  My body is just collapsing, I was completely useless for the rest of the afternoon.  I don't feel sick but my body is not at 100%.  I am hoping that this is just a backlash from all the shock of the last week.  I was truly stunned by my layoff and it was so incredibly quick that I am still processing how I feel about the situation. 

I had a family event this weekend and while I won't post specifics of the occasion, I will say that there was an enormous blow-out with my MIL.  It was completely ugly and horrid.  Let's just say that the day was pretty much ruined for everyone involved and that sucked a lot.  H was pretty great though and defended me and was calm about the whole situation.  This is not his standard response regarding his mother so I was really proud of him and grateful for the way he dealt with everything. 

I am wondering what to do with my remaining cycles of IVF.  I think we only have 2 left on insurance.  I believe that Massachusetts only requires that they pay for 6.  I was doing some more research today and think that Cornell is pretty much the best clinic in the country with the most experience.  The clinic we are at is the best in MA but now that I am not working I am wondering if we should try to go to the best place and just go for broke?  I have no idea how long it would take to get in and be seen.  If I had known that I would be laid off and when, I could have planned to go to NY to be seen by them. 

Now I have to wait again, it all seems to take so long.  It almost isn't fair to count how long you have been trying by time, because every change adds so many months onto the schedule. 

Thank god for medication.  I think that I would have had a complete and uter mental breakdown if I hadn't gotten to speak to someone just the week before.  I finally got some help just the week before the worst week on record.  I don't know where I would be now if I hadn't gotten this help.  I have had PMDD before but was told that I couldn't take the medication while trying to get pregnant.  Well thank god for this new clinic, they do not believe this and they believe that being over-stressed and over-sensitive are huge factors in failure to carry a pregnancy.  Also they feel that there is a correlation between this problem and post-partum depression. 

They gave me articles on the worst side-effects, which I really appreciated.  I appreciate the fact that they didn't try to show me the best case scenario, since I am obviously not the best case scenario.  The articles about the worst case were not bad, and I don't feel like the research was done very well anyway, so I don't put a lot of faith in at least one of the articles. Its kinda like saying that you can have the chicken pox vaccine but you might get a fever from it.  Really the possibility of that is pretty much worth the chance.

This seems like a lot of different ideas all mixed up in one posting.  Maybe it has been a full week?


J Fife said...

Good for you, N. I'm glad that you're getting to focus on yourself. You've been through so much. It's no wonder that your body and mind are taxed.

Gandksmom said...

I linked through you from somewhere..but I wanted to let you know that here in Syracuse NY we have an RE, Dr. Kiltz who is wonderful. He has gotten many women pregnant against all odds. I got pregnant through him with IVF. You mentioned Cornell....he's not that much further. Let me know if you want info!

Nico said...

I'm also glad you're focusing on yourself a bit. I'm really glad that H stood up for you this weekend, that must have felt good, despite the overall yuckiness of the situation.

Will the MA insurance cover treatment at Cornell? If so, it may well be worth doing that, for the absolute best shot, since you do now have the time to make the journey(s).

Take care of yourself!

Thalia said...

I'm glad you've got some plans. Cornell is the place that got Julie pregnant, and it's where Mellie goes, so it does have some kudos in the infertilisphere. They do say three failed cycles with one clinic means it's time to move on to another. Not sure what the truth in that is.

I'm glad the drugs are helping. I hope the way forward becomes a bit clearer soon.

Alexa said...

Oh, you poor thing. The waiting is terrible. I am so glad you found a docotr who is more knowledgeable about psych. meds during conception/pregnancy. That has been a big issue for me as well.
I truly wish you every luck in your next cycle, wherever you choose to do it. A new clinic might have a fresh perspective, in my opinion.