Sunday, December 30, 2007
Anyway, lets start at the beginning.
I had a lot of reasons for wanting a c-section. I have a real anxiety about labor. I have a deep-seated fear that I will freak out during labor and make the entire experience much worse that it has to be. I had spoken to my dr about this and asked that some sort of calming agent be available. He said that was perfectly acceptable but that since I was so open about talking about my anxiety and fears he didn't really believe that I had much of a problem. He felt that those with the real issues are those who deny there is a problem, or don't recognize when they are in the throws of an anxiety attack. H was sitting with me during this appointment and he made a face at me like, "He doesn't really know you very well".
Another reason for a c-section, I have had two miscarriages. In each of these, nothing happened. I never started bleeding, I never felt any cramps, nothing. I had a real concern that my body wouldn't really know how to go into labor.
Oh, and I didn't want to have my baby on xmas. That just seemed so unfair to him.
Anyway, my dr was fine with all my reasons and allowed us to schedule. We were scheduled for 39w1d. This put us at Dec 17, and if I went into labor naturally I would have just attempted to have a natural birth, but if I hadn't gone into labor by that date, we would have the c-section. Having a plan, an end point, was so incredibly helpful. It made everything fall into place. We had all our xmas shopping and shipping done. All the cards had been sent, an email list was created for the birth announcement. I just felt like I had a level of control that I needed.
My appointment was scheduled for 12:30pm, things were running a little behind but nothing surprising. My BIL is a resident at a different hospital, but he did tell me a few things to expect from the spinal which was really good. I got the spinal and immediately started to feel nauseas and dizzy. It was pretty horrible, apparently your blood pressure can drop which makes you feel this way. As soon as I mentioned it, they started another medicine in the line which increases your blood pressure, it took about 5 full minutes to really work, which felt like forever, but once it did work I felt so much better.
I could tell they were cutting, but not really where, it felt like they were cutting higher on my belly than where the scar actually is, so perhaps most of what I was feeling was the pressure from their hands and the retractors. H got some video of the 'experience' but so far I have refused to watch it. I guess he saw them pull out my intestines or something to get at the baby. I didn't really get a lot of detail there.
We were told that as long as things went well, they would remove the baby, show him to me, wipe him off and give him to me or H to hold while finishing up all the cleaning out and closing up. Well, that isn't exactly what happened. There was a sheet hung up between me and my belly so I couldn't see any bloodiness, and when they finally got the nugget out, the dr said 'Look up, look up look up, here is your son!" He basically flashed the baby at me for barely a second and then immediately brought him to a table I couldn't see. It was very quiet, at this point there was no baby crying.
They had to suction his lungs and give him oxygen. He wasn't really breathing and no one would tell us anything. They let me see him again after a few minutes when he was a bit better, but he hadn't 'passed' the Apgar tests, so they brought him to the NICU for a half an hour. As far as NICU visits go, a 30 minute visit is not bad. I think they just wanted a bit of privacy and quiet to get a real sense of what kind of trouble he was having with breathing. For the next day or so, he was still 'wheezy', which they call grunting, but if he was held upright the sound stopped.
We basically kept him in our room the entire 4-day stay except for the first night. They nurses wanted to keep him in the nursery to be able to listen to him breathe during the night. They just wanted to make sure the fluid was clearing from his lungs. We had agreed that we wanted to try breastfeeding. I know that the milk doesn't come in right away but still the nugget was losing weight and quickly. Each nurse had a different suggestion as to how to hold him, latch him, everything. It was a little confusing but still everyone was very kind.
He was born at 8lbs 8oz, and by the third day he was 7lb 8.6oz. At this point, we were told to begin to add formula as my milk still hadn't come in. We added 1/2-1 oz after each feeding. We left the hospital on Friday afternoon and had our first pediatrician appointment on Saturday morning. By this point, my milk had finally come in, and his weight had gone to 7lb 15.5oz. Basically he had gained half a pound in about 30 hours. We were told we could stop the formula and just breastfeed for the near future.
By this point though, breastfeeding was so painful. I was cut and bleeding and it was not a pleasant experience. It is still getting better, but really there is still pain whenever he feeds.
We are still going in for weigh-ins at the pediatrician's. He is not gaining weight consistently yet. I think the formula really put us in a weird situation. He gained too much weight, too quickly and now we are trying to re-normalize what his weight gain really is. Part of the problem might be that I wasn't able to eat very much for a few days. He was feeding so frequently and for so long, that I never had the time to make food or eat anything. Apparently this makes breastmilk be 'skim' since there isn't really anything spare to put in it, making him need to feed more frequently. This got to be a brutal loop that we are trying very hard to break.
I lost 15 lbs while in the hospital, and another 5 in the next five days at home. This seems a little quick to me, so I am trying to be more conscientious about my intake.
Things are starting to settle in a little bit. He is a beautiful angel and becoming far more alert every day. He slept every minute he wasn't eating at first but now he eats and then is alert for a little while before falling asleep. He is already a little spoiled. He does not like to be put down at all. If he is not eating, he still wants to be held. This makes showering and going to the bathroom a little complicated. It is alright though. He is totally worth it.
His name is Sebastian, he is mommy's little angel.
Monday, December 24, 2007
It has been a crazy exciting week, and I want to update everyone on the birth experience and the last few days.
I am working on the post now, but there is a lot of sleeping I am working on so it might take another day or two to get posted.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Anyway, that is the last of the belly pictures, next up is either labor or c-section. Nugget was very active tonight. I don't think he wants to be inside any longer. He is ready to escape.
That and the fact that other than working and doing laundry for the best dressed, unborn child ever, I am sleeping. That is my entire life.
Still no signs of nugget. He is very content to hang out as long as mommy lets him. No contractions, no nothing.
Except for some bleeding after an internal. We are 50% effaced with 0 dilation. At least we are heading in the correct direction.
Oh, and we are getting a sleet/ice warning for tomorrow and a potential Nor-easter for the weekend. H is in a panic about getting to the hospital. It is very sweet and cute.
Saturday, December 08, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Till yesterday. I have only had a couple of real bloody noses. Mostly it is just a little blood in the tissue, not actual flow. Till yesterday. At work. Mid-conversation with a colleague, I felt my nose was getting runny. When it started to feel a little drippy I grabbed a tissue. By the time I got it to my face, his face had already fallen and he was asking 'are you alright?'. That was when I knew the runny nose, was not really runny, but plain old bloody.
Only a little embarrassing.
We saw the dr on Monday and everything looks good. Nugget is head down (and has been since like June, so that wasn't a surprise), and almost 8lbs already. 7lb13oz was the calculation. He is 91%ile in size now, and all measurements put him at 39+weeks. We are pushing back the Dec 8 schedule to Dec 17 now. If I go into labor naturally, fine, otherwise he will be removed on the 17th or 18th. This is good, he will be a whole week before xmas so we could celebrate his birthday earlier. Also, he will be around 9lbs by then, so if he doesn't come out on his own, would I really want to have to push him out??
He definitely favors the right side and my belly is often completely firm on the right side, and soft/squishy on the left side. That is weird.
Planned/expected end date, 39w1d, wish us luck.
Friday, November 16, 2007
week I felt the nugget was a bit quiet and so my dr did the non-stress
test. It seemed fine, a little quiet but not a big deal. He just
wanted to check again, but this time we failed. We were
non-responsive. They followed up with an ultrasound and everything
Nugget was probably sleeping but still it wasn't that much fun. They
even used a buzzer several times to try to get a response, but while
nugget might startle, he didn't keep moving on his own.
We are really starting to get close. We are only a few weeks away and
there is still so much to do. I am hoping to get a bunch of stuff
done this weekend, but I have not been sleeping well so I am not
really terribly productive when I am home.
We are talking to the dr about a c-section because I am afraid I will
panic during regular labor, and also I would like to separate our
child's birthday from xmas if we can. It doesn't seem like it would
be very nice to have a birthday and xmas be on the same day or just a
couple of days apart. It would be nicer if his birthday could be his
own. So we discussed it, and the dr was ok with the idea, his nurse
called back the next day with a schedule of December 8!!
As in 3 weeks from now. I almost threw up on the phone. I freaked
out. I don't know if I will be ready in 3 weeks. Also, both H and a
good friend of mine are trying to convince me not to do a scheduled
c-section. Now I don't know what to think.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
I think I like working for a medical device company! This was what I did at work yesterday and I will have another on Thursday morning.
***I forgot to add that while the scanning was occuring, the man was measuring the head. The diameter of the head (ear to ear) is 6.1 cm. Apparently this is larger than our dates would suggest. He felt that we were actually at 24w6d, I tried to explain that we are pretty certain of our dates, but he was stubborn. I didn't want to explain IVF and how it all works but how did this stranger expect to know more about my body than I do?
I told a woman I work with the story and her response is that you can be off by a week or more in either direction. I explained again that we were certain about our dates, and implied that with a husband who travels often for work this calculation becomes easier, but still she believes we might be further along too.
Does it not occur to anyone that some people have larger heads (both myself and H included) than average? That by having a dr, a petri dish, and a scheduled appointment, one can be fairly certain of the T=0 timeframe? So odd.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
I do believe that I am incubating a lizard though. Everyone told me that you run hot during pregnancy, which is alright with me since I run pretty warm most of the time anyway. Well I have been cold for months. When H puts his hand on my belly it is frequently cold to the touch. I think this nugget is a heat sink. No matter how much heat I put in, it sucks it all up.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
Of course I tell you most everything, but that somehow feels different. The people who read this know what path we have taken to get here and understand what we have gone through. Everyone who knows now just thinks that I just accidentally fell down pregnant one day. Not after 3 years of very directed activity.
H is super protective of me now. He doesn't really want me going to work in case someone hits me in the stomach. I don't precisely know how that would occur, but he fears that it will. A coworker believes it is because he is 'proud of what he has done', and that may be a little bit of truth but mostly I think he knows what we both went through to get here and doesn't want anything to take it away from us.
I promised photographic evidence and have had no luck getting into blogger. I don't use this account regularly and always forget the password so any time I want to do a more complicated post I have to figure out passwords, track down info. It is always a pain, but I am in today, so I am going to try to get up to date.
Today are pics of the belly growing. Unfortunately H scanned the ultrasounds to a different computer that I can't see from my laptop, so I will have to post those separately.
To me I was seeing big changes between the first 3 or 4 pics, but the photos don't show what I saw in the mirror. The last change though is really the noticeable one. We call it the delta. Basically it is the change I see each morning. I go to bed not really pregnant, but wake up larger and fatter. It is kind of amazing, in a really weird way.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
nice, and they specialize in high-risk pregnancies. The appointment
took forever, we were there for over 4 hours and he wants us to come
in every other week. That is a little tough for me what with just
starting a new job and all. It won't always take 4 hours but it will
still be most of the morning as the office is over an hour from my home.
We saw our nugget on the ultrasound and it has hands and fingers
already! It is very exciting. It is also around 6.5 cm which is a
little big, but no one else seems worried. They were all ok with me
coloring my hair again, because seriously it is so embarrassing to
continue walking around with these roots. I horrify myself. We even
got permission from the doctor to use our doppler. He recommends
only once a day, which is twice what we are doing so I feel like we
aren't damaging anything. His response was that we would be doing so
many ultrasounds, that the doppler would be a drop in the bucket.
We took some pictures this weekend for the first time. The last two
pregnancies we took pictures every week, and then they each failed.
It seemed like we would jinx things with a photo, but it was finally
time. Besides I need proof that I can grow boobs!
Monday, June 04, 2007
next Monday. I will just be at 12w1d then so I will be at the end of
the first trimester. Hopefully things will still be well and they
will allow me off the progesterone.
I haven't really had very much in the way of 'symptoms' except for my
pants being tight on me. When I look at myself in the mirror I can
see stuff spreading and thickening, even though I have only gained
~5lbs so far. My pants are tight, but skirts and stuff still look
fine on me. No one has 'noticed' my weight except me and H (of
course), in fact a woman commented that I am not fat at work today.
She was talking about in the general sense not the pg sense but still
that made me feel a little better.
The only real 'symptom' besides by burgeoning belly is my boobs. I
might even be a full B cup! Possibly a B+ (but that might just be
wishful thinking). Seriously I didn't even think my body could
create boobs, but it can!
We heard the heartbeat today after a lot of searching. It was a
little nerve wracking but finally we found it. I will have to check
again tomorrow to make sure it wasn't a fluke.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Sunday, May 27, 2007
for the last few days. He hasn't let me lift anything or do anything
around the house. It is really nice and I finished 2 novels this
weekend, but I feel pretty useless.
On a good note, it seems like we found the heartbeat again via
doppler. We hadn't been able to find it for several days. I hope
that is only a good sign.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
find a heartbeat or can be 100% certain that what I am listening to
is actually a heartbeat, but today I put the wand on my belly and
immediately heard thump thump thump.
It was very nice and it made me feel better. It is nice to start the
day with a search and I feel so much calmer if I can find the
heartbeat. I am still spotting but seriously if it has been almost 4
weeks now, can you really call it 'unusual'? I am hoping that I will
just be one of those women who spot, but continue to have a
relatively normal pregnancy. I know that is a lot to ask but that is
what I want.
Today I might have experienced my first bout of nausea, or I was just
offended by H's cooking. Tough to call, but I couldn't eat anything
he put on the table and had to have a bowl of cereal instead.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Now it is actually the fourteenth day of bleeding, but when I started
this post it was the 12th.
I am still bleeding, just a little, but the ultrasound was fine and
the heartbeat/size was on target. We were very relieved about the
whole situation, but I think we were really expecting to be told bad
news that we weren't really responsive to anyone who gave us good news.
Now that it is sinking in, I am starting to get more happy, but I am
still trying to keep things reined in. I don't want the crash of
disappointment to be too enormous to handle.
We even heard a heartbeat on the home doppler this morning at 8w4d,
which apparently is pretty early. The doppler read the beat as less
than at the ultrasound, but it read my heartbeat as 200bpm, so I am
not sure the counting part is all that accurate. It was pretty clear
that it was the heartbeat we were hearing, so I hope it wasn't my
intenstines doing something funny. That would be disappointing.
I am tired most of the time. I basically go to work, come home, eat,
go to sleep. Do not pass go, do not collect 200$. I think partly it
is the pregnancy, but also it is a new job that I am working hard to
impress everyone at, so I think I am a bit overwhelmed and come home
And, tomorrow is off to see the MIL. For the whole weekend. I can't
even type the statement without dreading every second. Fun Fun Fun.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
I just don't know.
Anyway, another tough weekend. I just started work again after an extended period 'between employment'. I didn't work too hard to find a job at first because I wanted to be able to 'relax' and just focus on treatment. Well, that didn't work out as well as I would have hoped, so now I have found a new job that is a contract position. It is with a company I was really hoping to get into and I am also hoping that it will eventually become permanent.
After work on Friday (3rd day!) I am on the phone with my aunt, just chatting away when I feel something wet 'down there'. I figure there is some random something going on, so I hit the bathroom to find RED RED RED in my underwear. I immediately get off the phone, call H and go directly to bed. It was bright red and quick. Not heavy, but each time I wiped there was a real amount in the paper. Like a few mLs each time. I basically stayed in bed freaking out all that night and spoke to the fellow on call.
He was super nice but clear that if this is a miscarriage there is absolutely nothing anyone can do for me. I got up the next morning to find more blood, clumpy and dark. I was supposed to spend the day with my mother but I cancelled, I just couldn't deal with it.
Sunday I still had spotting, but much less. I finally just decided to go to the ER to try to get a US since our place does not do any scans unless they are scheduled. All unscheduled scans must be done in the ER.
Turns out we still have a heart beat, 136(ish), and the fetus is ~7mm, which measures around a day or 2 behind. We were a day behind at the last scan and are now either 1 or 2 days behind. I am not sure exactly if this means we are falling farther behind or if the measurement has that much error built in.
Today is 7w2d, next scan is on 8w2d and I am on the couch for the next week, except for work.
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
After the previous depressing betas, I had to find another clinic in the LA area to take my blood. It was a frustrating afternoon, but it got done. The results were improved from the Saturday reading. The HCG was 899, which was just about double. My clinic has a minimum of 1.66 every 48 hours, rather than strictly doubling, so I met their minimum, but not by much.
I had to go back again, to a new clinic since my nurse HATED the clinic I went to on Monday. She found them so hard to deal with that she wouldn't let me go back.
My cousin found me a place near her apartment, which was nice, since I could have lunch with her and my aunt directly after. The time difference made getting results difficult, but the following day I found out I was at 2730. Which, after 72 hours is completely acceptable by any standard.
I had my ultrasound yesterday at 6w0d and we were right on for size and had a 106 heartbeat. The article I read stated that if there was inadequate doubling during the first 5 weeks, even with a heartbeat, there is no successful pregnancy after first trimester. I am trying to be happy about hitting this milestone, though I know I have been here before.
H is happy though and hoping for the best. I am hoping for the best, but I don't know how much faith I can put into it. I have this fear that if I actually believe in this pregnancy and think it is going to work, that is when the rug will be pulled out from beneath me.
Still, we saw Sean Penn and Mike Tyson at dinner (not together) so that was a cool end to the week.
Then we returned home to week-long house guests who brought their 11-month old. Did I mention the masochism??
Sunday, April 22, 2007
It was very nice of them and they kindly went around my schedule to let me be included.
I wanted to go, for my friend and to meet the people she talks about all the time, but I had hoped to be going with some better news under my belt.
Instead I sat in a room with 10 women all having a minimum of 2 kids. All talking about how easily they got pregnant, every detail about their children's lives. Blah blah blah.
All this while I had to sneak into the bathroom to shoot myself in the butt with progesterone. I would have called H to come get my if someone hadn't been anxiously awaiting the bathroom. More than once I looked around to try to figure out how I could sneak away without offending anyone, and I couldn't come up with anything!
I love my friend very much, and we had a very nice weekend with them, but the baby shower might have been a little too much for me.
Next up, travel to LA to visit my cousin and her first baby, ~6weeks old. Good timing all around.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I go back on Saturday to find out if all is doubling and doing the right things. Saturday is the day I am more concerned about. That is the day they tell me if there is a chance for the pregnancy to be ectopic or failing.
Here's to 630 on Saturday.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
On the good front, the spotting has stopped. I spotted for a couple of days, and only strongly the first day. It never turned red, and the severe pain I was feeling has definitely subsided. I still get aches but the nurse swears that is from all the stim on the ovaries. I didn't mention the incredible level of constipation I have been going through, so I am hoping a good portion of the pain if from that. (I almost went in a way grosser direction for that sentence, you're welcome).
In our house we have become a bit obsessed with fiber. If you have never met my husband you can't understand how serious a statement 'obsessed' really is. He makes decisions and then goes crazy following them to see where they lead. For example, he felt he was too heavy in college, so he decided to go vegetarian. Not so unusual, right? Well, he didn't actually go vegetarian, what he did was go to a no-fat diet and call it vegetarian. He did lose quite a bit of weight over the 5+ years he did this diet.
I am a bit more, whatever, about things. I like to eat what I like to eat, I just prefer not to eat 10 lbs of it at a time. A bit of his obsessiveness has rubbed off on me, (a little!!) but right now we are on a crazy fiber kick. I am so constipated from all the meds and the pre-natal that I might explode. Thankfully we have 14g of fiber bagels, put a little peanut butter on those babies and don't stray far from a toilet. Also we have these breakfast bars that are 9g fiber, and poop-cicles (they are fudgecicles with fiber, what would you call them?) with 5g fiber each.
I have been an enthusiastic consumer from this shelf in the kitchen and NOTHING IS HELPING. I might actually die from this. Ok, so maybe a little melodrama, but seriously, is it normal to not be able to remember when you last pooped??
I will now leave the poop conversation. Please enjoy your regularly scheduled day.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.
Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?
When we first began the saga that is infertility treatment, I mentioned adoption. H was adamant that that wasn't an acceptable path. He just didn't want it, he wanted his own DNA passed on or nothing. I never cared one way or another. I would like to be a parent and family but I don't really care where the child comes from. Now that we have been through so many cycles and issues, H has finally accepted that adoption may be our only chance and he is getting to the point of knowing he would be able to care about an adopted child. He still is not ready to 'give up' on a DNA child though. I find the whole IVF process painful and exhausting, and, to be honest, not really worth it. I would love an adopted child or children. That is not an issue or concern, nor is passing on genes. But for H the genetic tie is so important that we continue down this path until someone tells us to go home.
Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?
I almost think it is unfair, but then I believe it is kindness. When you have a loss like a death of someone you love dearly, who wouldn't want to have been told, "We will see each other again, I promise". I mean some people have the faith that you will see those you love in the afterlife, but not all people have that. If you were told that your loss was not permanent, wouldn't that make the immediate loss a little easier to bear?
If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?
I read the book initially before treatment and then reread it for this tour. The first time, I don't think I paid much attention to the infertility storyline. I think I read it more for the scientific solution and the love story. This time through it was more impactful. I don't know that I would have been able to go through as many miscarriages as Clare goes through. I have had 2 and they were each horrible. Debilitating. And we don't get pregnant that easily so there is a lot of time for recovery between miscarriages. I can't imagine becoming pregnant with relative ease and then losing child after child after child. It is horrifying. Had I not had Clare's foreknowledge of a successful outcome, I don't believe I could have continued down that path.
The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?
I feel that Alba has such a strong nature that she is going to be ok. I feel like Clare and Henry have given her a good foundation to build upon and that she has a different understanding than Henry did growing up. It is like any kind of impediment that is embarrassing before being understood. If Henry were dyslexic and passed that on to Alba, when he was young he might have been tormented for being 'stupid' but as we now understand more people can be more understanding and helpful to this generation, so Alba doesn't have the same hangups that Henry has/had. I think Alba learned to control her gift more and more as she aged. Henry learned to predict when it would occur and know the triggers, Alba had more control than that even at a very early age. I would guess that would only improve with age and understanding. I would think that a 'cure' is unlikely. For many reasons, there are too few people to make solving the problem useful and as long as time travel doesn't seem to be damaging a person then non 'travelers' may not see the benefit of curing the 'problem'.
Friday, April 13, 2007
There was the peeing, the dipping, the waiting, and...... nothing. No line.
Unless you looked really really closely. Like by the 'light of a thousand suns', don't know what blog I read that on, but it is helpful.
The faintest little pink line, next to this horrid glaring pink line. So I bring it back to bed and make H look at it. He sees nothing either, certainly without a lot of prompting from me. Finally he agrees there is the faintest second line, but he doesn't really believe that it is real or an indication of pregnancy.
I don't care, right now I feel certain I am pregnant. How long I will be pregnant is completely not the point, just that I know I am, right now.
I will test again in 2 days and let you know. I will be very sad if the line stays the same or is lighter.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
So now I have been cruising along with all this hope in my heart and realizing that if this is another failure I might be destroyed. The only 'symptom' I have been having is a little blood when I blow my nose. I never have a bloody nose except right after transfer so it correlates with 'pregnancy' symptoms. I have not felt bad, super tired, or gained any weight. In fact I have lost a couple pounds since the retrieval, which doesn't sound like a good sign.
Each of the other times I got pregnant I felt incredibly tired and starving all the time. I don't know when it kicked it but I do remember having it before the pregnancy test so I would expect it to be now or at least soon. When is it too early to POAS?? I am desperately ready to do it now, but I might lose it if I get a negative. I think it might be a little early for any sign, though a stick should be able to give me some info in the next day or so right??
I have the 'test 5 days early' sticks so in theory, I should be able to POAS by tomorrow for a sign. H is counseling me not to test, which I know is the right answer, but I will need to be prepared before I have my blood test. I will need to have some idea of the answer soon or I might make myself insane.
I have 3 sticks on hand, you know, just in case. Maybe I will tempt fate and try one tomorrow.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Anyway, of the 9, 2 were 8 cell 1 rating. Our clinic uses a 0 as perfect/no degradation and goes up to 4 for highly fragmented/poor, so a 1 is very good/minimal fragmentation. There was also a 10 cell 1 rating. Each of these was assisted hatched and put in. Two others were a 6 and 7, and they were either 1 or 2. The clinic thought they had a chance to be frozen but we never got a call so I assume that that didn't happen. Really I am not disappointed. I would have liked to be able to freeze but we have never even had results this good before, so I am not going to be greedy.
The other 4 were all scheduled for destruction. Mostly they had stopped growing after the first day and were just going to be used for testing, so at least I feel like something good might come from them.
For me, this 2ww is the best part. I am anxious, but the only news we can get is either good or bad, but not devastating. I mean, if we get a negative, it will be very sad, but it won't be a death. If we get a positive beta and then lose it (again) then I don't know if I can take it. Another death (I know, miscarriage is the 'more appropriate' term, but that isn't what it feels like) could really just set me over the edge.
Right now, my life is moving in a good direction. I have found a few things to do with my time that I am really looking forward too, my job search is (hopefully) coming to an end (seriously if it isn't I am about to just toss in the towel and work at a bookstore for the discount) and this has been our best cycle yet. If any of these precariously perched items falls then I might just lose it. I am trying to build strength into my life so that if one thing fails it doesn't destroy me, but it has been hard with everything being 'imperfect' right now.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Acupuncture first thing, transfer, acu again, then home to hang out on the couch for the next few days.
Not a very exciting update, but if you want a fun roller-coaster then I will have to update about my job search. Fun Fun Fun. Ugh.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
They want me to go ANOTHER DAY. Seriously, I am going to burst. I have never had to stim this long before. I 'planned' everything out so that I wouldn't have a procedure on April Fool's Day. I had it all worked out so I would have my retrieval on Thursday or Friday and transfer on Monday/Tuesday.
Then they had my stay on another day, so I was pushed to Saturday still OK. Then they told me that I was to go another day. Seriously I am going to pop and I am running out of meds.
And we are pushed to a SUNDAY, APRIL FOOLS RETRIEVAL. Is this a total joke? I don't get it. No two cycles have been the same. Of course we haven't had the final result we were hoping for, so maybe that is alright.
So what joke are you planning for April Fool's Day??
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
I have been getting my testing done and so far there are 7 follicles on the right and 3 on the left. None of them seems to be the 'right' size, so I have 2 more days of pin-cushion-hood. Right now it looks like I will take meds until Thursday, hCG on Thursday evening, retrieval Saturday, transfer Tuesday.
I guess this is good, I did have a superstition about not doing a procedure on April 1, so no one can say "Ha it was just a joke!" but I have had superstitions before and those never worked out either. I am just sort of barely believing this is possible. I mean, I must believe it to some degree or I wouldn't be doing it, right? But it seems like the world's longest shot so it doesn't feel like a great idea to go putting all this hope into the process.
As I was leaving testing today, there was a woman and her husband walking in. She was sobbing and I wanted to walk up to her and give her a hug. I know she had an ultrasound or something and didn't get the answer she was hoping for. I wanted to give her a hug in the hallway, but I didn't. I didn't because I know this is a private moment between a husband and wife, but I also regret not going up to her.
This is such a lonely process and I know that it is better when those you invite in are helpful, but I do wish I had let her know that she wasn't completely alone.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
And then I opened up the bags and found more crap...
I guess this them saying " this is everything we have, so good luck". It feels very 'end of the line' to me. This sucks.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Please feel free to comment and discuss your own personal views. Also, check out next months option and join in if you like.
From the organizer:
Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.
Now on to the questions I feel comfortable answering. Next month I feel like I will be able to join in to the discussion far more fully, without feeling so guarded.
1. Though there are interesting female characters in the forefront of the novel, the cast of thousands of infertile women in the background are portrayed as crazy, desperate, and delusional. Did you feel P.D. James captured the emotions of infertility or do you think she merely repeated the image presented in the general media--infertile women are desperate and single-minded and obsessed with babies and pregnancy?
It seems to me that the women in the background are broad strokes interpretations of women. To me it was also as if each background character was one individual emotion or feeling. The women who was crazy with baby-lust, pushing a doll or kitten around, those women are a view into IF at a specific time and place. It is like trying to find some sort of replacement for all the love and feeling you hope to shower onto your child but are frustrated with. The woman who bashes the head of the doll is releasing some of the rage and anger that IF instills you with. It is like each individual is actually one moment in time during IF. These are not fleshed out women who are dealing with every aspect of IF. Instead they are just a snapshot of the experience.
8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand)
It is like a perfect joke. Those who feel they are perfect and unflawed undergo every test, every indignity, while those who are less 'perfect' create something without thought or effort. It was difficult to read about these people with their 'faith' in religion and moral character who could create life without all the anxiety of IF procedures. These people were flawed in more than just their physical aspects. They were less than good. I never truly felt for either the mother or the father. They both seemed to me to be hypocrites. He a priest, she a married religious woman. I never felt the love for her that the narrator feels. He loves her strength but I feel her weakness makes a mockery of the fact that she is the only woman to carry a child.
I am sure there is much the same feeling when looking at friends and family and there fertility. It is always such a blow to an IF when there is another pregnancy announcement. Another horrifying moment when you think, "What is wrong with me? Why am I being punished?"
14. If you were living in this time period and were given the ability to become pregnant but knew you would be the only person to do so, would you have that child knowing that they would be completely alone in an empty world for the last twenty-odd years of their life?
This is a hard question. On one hand, I would say yes, with all the work and effort to try to bear a child, I would probably continue. In my head it would seem that if even one person in one country can have a child, there might be another child in another place. At some point these children might find each other or not. Either way, the chance to actually have a child, even a child who might one day be very lonely, would be very powerful.
IF is such a lonely experience, I think someone who has such a difficult time getting pregnant could explain to a child what they might expect for their future. They might be lonely but who knows what a person could achieve if there were no responsibilities, no distractions. Perhaps they would become another Michelangelo or Shakespeare. Perhaps they would just watch every movie ever made.
15. Some parts of the book were written in first-person narrator and other parts were written as third-person omniscient. Did this make the book more or less compelling? How did this change in narration style impact your enjoyment and/or understanding of the book?
I found this so distracting as to diminish my enjoyment of this book. I found it so difficult to get back into the story each time the narration style was changed. It was like reading two books at the same time (which I have done on WAY more than one occasion), but I didn't enjoy one of the books. While reading from Theo's perspective I felt compelled to push forward. To understand his thoughts and feelings, but the 3rd person viewpoint ripped me from that perspective. I didn't 'like' the 3rd person view, it felt cold and distanced from the plot. It felt like an attempt to distance the author but instead distanced the reader. Each transition was harder for me, rather than easier. I never felt for the characters during the 3rd person, while I felt very intrigued by Theo and Xan's interactions and history.
22. The Omegas are portrayed as cruel, self-obsessed and cold. Do you suppose that's a function of the way they were raised (as the last generation of children) or something inherent in them? Do you think that infertility has an effect on parenting?
This was another aspect of the book I had trouble with. I know that many of the people I know (by no means all) who have had no IF issues or concerns have raised their children differently than those who either had difficulty having a child or chose to have only one for age or other personal reasons. To me I actually see the opposite effect.
Parents who worked harder to have a child are often more caring and considerate to their children and the people around them. They seem to instill a larger consideration and kindness into their children than those who have never thought about what parenting means. The children who I see that are cold, self-obsessed and just not very nice, come from homes where they are not valued as children but as objects. Just another item to show off to those around you. The children that come from homes where there are no rules and no courtesy are not usually those that have experienced IF.
(Please, this question is the most personal one I answered and I tried to be truthful without being hurtful. Please take this in the spirit it was written, not as a judgment, just an observation from a very small data set.)
Sunday, March 04, 2007
It is hateful.
We spoke with the dr this week and we have the same/similar protocol as the last time. With the expected same results. I am sad and frustrated today. I don't think a couple glasses of wine had a positive result on my mood.
Seriously a couple equals 2. Not a bottle or anything, but I think I am just on the edge of unhappy and this pushed me right over the side.
BCP starts tomorrow. I have a huge suspicion about April Fool's Day, and don't want a transfer/retrieval to occur on April 1, but then I had a 'suspicion' about 2 weeks ago.
This doesn't get better does it?
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
So of course, I asked them to toss in a pap, because why not? Legs are up, crotch is uncovered, go ahead.
I am not sure if I have mentioned but I am really terrible at the down-there doctor. Like really tense bad. I try to relax and remind myself this is no big deal but somehow it is always a big deal. I have gotten better especially since I am feet-up every couple of months for another transfer/retrieval/blah/blah/blah, but still not great.
Well today was a topper. On top of a pap, I needed a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of some sort. The hysteroscopy was horrid. There was so much pain, and there is no apparent reason. Some people (most) don't really mind the procedure, but I could feel shooting pain all the way out into my hips.
The biopsy was less painful, which is also a little odd according to the dr, but I was totally accepting.
Now I am bleeding and crampy. Just so uncomfortable.
And we have a 'romantic' weekend planned. I hope to feel better, otherwise this weekend would be a bust, and really, that might piss me off more than anything else.
This whole process has taken a lot of the 'fun' out of stuff. Everything is timed and monitored and nothing is random spontaneous fun now. It is pretty frustrating and I don't think I like it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Friday, January 26, 2007
If you are using the hand-wash cycle for sweaters... allow just a little spin to release 10 of the 50 lbs of water trapped in the sweaters.
If you have heard that drying outside in chilly weather will speed up the drying process for said sweaters... don't put them in the shade, or in 1F weather. Wet clothing + 1F + bare hands = rapid onset hypothermia.
If you see icicles forming off the arms of the sweaters... don't just giggle and think how funny it looks. Remove sweaters from porch bench before they become a permanent fixture or they might snap when you are trying to move them.
If you do move the sweaters into the sun... make sure to take a picture before your sculptures melt.
I'll post a picture later.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
While at lunch we talked about where I am and what is going on. She is always understanding and helpful but yesterday was especially nice. We were discussing options, a sixth IVF cycle, adoption, foster care, blah blah blah and she started talking about her daughter. She said that she doesn't really remember the pregnancy or delivery. The only thing she remembers is the moment they put the child in her arms. She believes that she wouldn't have felt any differently about her daughter had it been adoption.
In fact she said she often looks at her daughter and asks herself if they are related because she says or does something that is foreign to her parents. She says she doesn't feel a 'connection' to her child like something mystical, but that she loves her because of the person she has become.
It was a nice way to look at adoption. No matter how you get your child, you go through frustration and difficulty but when someone puts a child in your arms, it is yours. Your baby.
Friday, January 19, 2007
I had a great discussion with a friend today who has his own company and asked if I can help him launch his products. It was very exciting and really could be an incredible opportunity. I can't really go into any sort of detail, but I have been really excited about this project for a while and now he has asked me to join in and help.
There is a bit to talk about, I finally heard from my clinic regarding the karyotyping of the fetal material removed during the last procedure. It was a boy. I guess I had told my friend that I believed it was a boy several times, and when I called to tell her the result her first words were 'you were right'. It was a nice reminder that I was connected to this thing growing inside me.
The unfortunate/fortunate results were that the fetus had a double x, so he was xxy instead of xy. This is apparently called Klinefelter's syndrome. Only about 0.1% of babies born have this so that is really a shocking display of statistics sticking it to us. We keep falling on the wrong side of statistics but seriously, I can't even count on 99.9%?? Fuck.
The good news (to me) is that the loss was not due to anything I did. Nature saw that there was a mistake and corrected it. Unfortunately between myself and my husband, we created something so stubborn that even with something seriously wrong he wasn't going to give up. I fell while we were away on our trip. I fell hard and really hurt myself. I have a huge bruise, and an abrasion that was the size of the palm of my hand on my hip. i was certain that this is what killed our child. Also, we flew which our last cliinic (the one run by quacks, I know) didn't recommend. I was sure that one or both of those things were the reason that I was no longer pregnant.
This might sound bad, but I am glad that there was something wrong to point to. If there had to be a failure at least there is a reason that I can learn about and determine if there is some genetic proclivity towards it. Also now we can do PGD and only put back the healthy embryo(s). Maybe this actually means there might be hope.
Friday, January 12, 2007
He wants a sporty convertible (in Boston-very useful) and I would like to see if we have a child to determine what vehicle we buy. We had an agreement that if we got pregnant he would hold off and then we would buy something that can accept a car seat in the back. Well we got pregnant and then lost it. So now he is back to looking at convertibles. In January. In Boston. In 35 degree weather.
I don't really have any good rationale anymore. We have done 5 IVF cycles with no success and we are on board for another cycle in the nearish future, but what are the chances of success? Why are we holding off on a purchase because maybe in a year or two, possibly there might be any chance of putting a car seat in a vehicle.
Well what if there is no car seat? Why wouldn't we get the car he wants? I still think it is a silly purchase, but I also don't really care that much.
When we bought this house, I was sold on the fact that the back yard was awesome for kids. That the bedrooms were perfect for several kids or just 1 and maybe an au pair? That we never use half of the house now because we only need 2 or 3 rooms.
I told H that I am willing to sell the house and move closer to the city, maybe an apartment on the T line. Then job searching will be much easier, and getting in and out of the clinic will also be more convenient.
Why wouldn't we buy (or sell) the things we want because it might conflict with our plan, that might never happen?
Sunday, January 07, 2007
It started simply enough with a mention of brunch to a couple of friends. That blossomed into a couple of other friends. Then H's brother and wife were available only for the day so we figured, hey why not?
It also began with bagels and smoked salmon, well some of our friends don't like fish, and the kids certainly won't eat them so I started adding a couple of 'options'.
I asked H about french toast but he didn't want to make something high fat or anything that needed to be cooked while people were around.
I found a recipe for baked french toast that you make the night before and bake for 30 minutes. It is full of butter and eggs and cream, but if you ignore everything and use egg whites and skim milk, grease the pan with a little olive oil spray and just brush the bread with a slight coat of margarine you can make practically fat free french bread. It was so very yummy yummy yummy. It soaks in all night, then you put some sugar and cinnamon over the top then bake for about 25-30 minutes at 425.
We put some strawberries and light cool whip over the top and so very good.
Of course you can't just serve french toast and bagels with smoked salmon and all the trimmings. That would be silly, so lets cut up 3 lbs of potatoes into matchsticks, and hey, lets just add some sausage just for a little variety.
This happens a lot. I start a project and then think 'oh, wouldn't that be cool to add this or that, then it would be so much better'. I really enjoyed the day and it works out for a party and group of friends, but it doesn't seem to work out when I try to translate that into a job search or decided what I want to do with my life.
It does make a damn good breakfast though. DELICIOUS.
After clean-up, and a fire in the pit backyard...
oh by the way, it was 50-odd degrees in January in Boston! Yay!
...I couldn't just sit there and see a clean kitchen. So I figured I would add french onion soup to the mix. There seems to be a theme happening. Anyway, I have made it several times and my husband loves it. I don't eat it so I can't tell you how it takes, but it makes the house smell like onions to the studs. It also takes hours to cook down to usability. I do love the process though. H is always so very happy when it is done and he gets to eat it every day for weeks. I make a couple of buckets at once so I don't have to make it again for a long long time. I smell of onions for days, as it gets right into every pore of my body and nothing gets rid of that smell.
Still, my family does seem to love it, so it makes me look good and I certainly like that.
It was a very nice day.
Next up, lets talk about a car!