Thursday, November 30, 2006

Update


Finally got the 'confirmation' scan.  We got squeezed into an 8:30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic.  It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn't gotten behind schedule yet.  We are confirmed for no heartbeat.  The radiologist was quite nice, though she did say to the student "We are only doing this to see how far it got"  yes, I can hear you.  Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan.  She was very kind at that point.

She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat.  It was pretty clear, but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there.  It was completely obvious where the head and arms were.  It looked like Munch's "Scream", which really freaked me out.  They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on.  I couldn't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me. 

I waited around all day, I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D&C today, or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn't get on the schedule until Monday.  I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days.  I understand that it has died but somehow my body won't let go.  If it does happen 'naturally' I was told by my nurse to 'scoop it up so they can do some testing on it'.  I swear to you, those were her words.

I am a little mentally unsound today.  I am mostly angry, which the therapist says is a stage of grief.  I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this.  Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me.

So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0.

I am just going to hide for a while.

12 comments:

ProudMary said...

I know exactly how you feel. I lost a baby at almost exactly the same point as you. I was devastated and the only thing that kept me sane was to remember that most early miscarriages are the result of a chromosomal abnormality and that it really is for the best. I just wish for all of us it didn't hurt so damn bad.

I kept my sanity by continuing to do the things I normally did every day. Going to work, spending time with friends, anything to keep my mind off the terrible trick my body had played on me.

Best wishes to you. It gets easier.

--Mary

Nico said...

I am so mad at the damn world right now. And it sucks that you can't have the D&C until Monday. I will be thinking of you guys over the weekend.

Anonymous said...

Man, this sucks. I am so sorry.

Thalia said...

Oh sweetie I am so, so sorry. This is just unutterably cruel. I am thinking of you.

Alexa said...

Oh, no. I am so terribly sorry. And furious, and sad. We are all here for you, let me know if there is anything I can do.

DD said...

No, it wasn't really for the best. The best would have been for you to continue on this pregnancy. I'm very sorry, and very angry with and for you.

Hopeful Mother said...

I am so sorry NCD. My heart just breaks for what you are going through. It is unfair and just plain horrible.

I will be thinking of you this weekend, and hoping that Monday comes quickly so that you can start the healing process.

We are here for you. {HUGS}

Leggy said...

Damn it- I'm sorry. I was really hoping for you.

fitgrl said...

I know that there are no words to make it better right now.. I am wishing you strength to get through this tough time.

Thinking of you!

Anonymous said...

No one deserves this type of pain. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Big hug...

Rebecca said...

I am so, so sorry. When you've had to go through so much hell to get pregnant, it's just exponentially unfair to then have to endure a loss like this. My heart goes out to you.

Alice said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Please try to take care of yourself. The grief is really unimaginable--and I'm not sure that those who haven't been through it can really understand--it's too abstract. Anyway, I'm so very, very, very sorry.