Thursday, November 30, 2006
Finally got the 'confirmation' scan. We got squeezed into an 8:30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic. It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn't gotten behind schedule yet. We are confirmed for no heartbeat. The radiologist was quite nice, though she did say to the student "We are only doing this to see how far it got" yes, I can hear you. Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan. She was very kind at that point.
She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat. It was pretty clear, but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there. It was completely obvious where the head and arms were. It looked like Munch's "Scream", which really freaked me out. They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on. I couldn't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me.
I waited around all day, I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D&C today, or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn't get on the schedule until Monday. I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days. I understand that it has died but somehow my body won't let go. If it does happen 'naturally' I was told by my nurse to 'scoop it up so they can do some testing on it'. I swear to you, those were her words.
I am a little mentally unsound today. I am mostly angry, which the therapist says is a stage of grief. I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this. Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me.
So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0.
I am just going to hide for a while.