Sunday, April 22, 2007

Worst. Decision. Ever.

I received 'the call' about our HCG levels while at a friend's home for the weekend.  She just had a baby, her third and he was over 4 weeks early.  Several of her friends hadn't been able to give her a shower before the baby's surprise arrival so they chose to do a 'welcome home' shower.

It was very nice of them and they kindly went around my schedule to let me be included.

I wanted to go, for my friend and to meet the people she talks about all the time, but I had hoped to be going with some better news under my belt.

Instead I sat in a room with 10 women all having a minimum of 2 kids.  All talking about how easily they got pregnant, every detail about their children's lives.  Blah blah blah.

All this while I had to sneak into the bathroom to shoot myself in the butt with progesterone.  I would have called H to come get my if someone hadn't been anxiously awaiting the bathroom.  More than once I looked around to try to figure out how I could sneak away without offending anyone, and I couldn't come up with anything!

I love my friend very much, and we had a very nice weekend with them, but the baby shower might have been a little too much for me.

Next up, travel to LA to visit my cousin and her first baby, ~6weeks old.  Good timing all around.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Do I hear....?

I was looking for a 630, we had requests for 700, 800.  So what do you think the final count is?
So that isn't looking good, and I still can't have a drink?

Thursday, April 19, 2007


I finally got my HcG test today and the results are 315.  It is much lower than the last time (which was a failure), so I am not sure exactly how I feel. 

I go back on Saturday to find out if all is doubling and doing the right things.  Saturday is the day I am more concerned about.  That is the day they tell me if there is a chance for the pregnancy to be ectopic or failing. 

Here's to 630 on Saturday.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007


Damn, I forgot to pee on a stick this morning for another 48 hour comparison.  I was thinking I was to test tomorrow, but that will be a 72 hour test, which is not as accurate to compare to the other sticks.  Damn, damn, damn.

On the good front, the spotting has stopped.  I spotted for a couple of days, and only strongly the first day.  It never turned red, and the severe pain I was feeling has definitely subsided.  I still get aches but the nurse swears that is from all the stim on the ovaries.  I didn't mention the incredible level of constipation I have been going through, so I am hoping a good portion of the pain if from that.  (I almost went in a way grosser direction for that sentence, you're welcome).

In our house we have become a bit obsessed with fiber.  If you have never met my husband you can't understand how serious a statement 'obsessed' really is.  He makes decisions and then goes crazy following them to see where they lead.  For example, he felt he was too heavy in college, so he decided to go vegetarian.  Not so unusual, right?  Well, he didn't actually go vegetarian, what he did was go to a no-fat diet and call it vegetarian.  He did lose quite a bit of weight over the 5+ years he did this diet. 

I am a bit more, whatever, about things.  I like to eat what I like to eat, I just prefer not to eat 10 lbs of it at a time.  A bit of his obsessiveness has rubbed off on me, (a little!!) but right now we are on a crazy fiber kick.  I am so constipated from all the meds and the pre-natal that I might explode.  Thankfully we have 14g of fiber bagels, put a little peanut butter on those babies and don't stray far from a toilet.  Also we have these breakfast bars that are 9g fiber, and poop-cicles (they are fudgecicles with fiber, what would you call them?) with 5g fiber each. 
I have been an enthusiastic consumer from this shelf in the kitchen and NOTHING IS HELPING.   I might actually die from this.  Ok, so maybe a little melodrama, but seriously, is it normal to not be able to remember when you last pooped?? 

I will now leave the poop conversation.  Please enjoy your regularly scheduled day.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Book Tour #3, A Time Travelers Wife

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at  

You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?
When we first began the saga that is infertility treatment, I mentioned adoption.  H was adamant that that wasn't an acceptable path.  He just didn't want it, he wanted his own DNA passed on or nothing.  I never cared one way or another.   I would like to be a parent and family but I don't really care where the child comes from.  Now that we have been through so many cycles and issues, H has finally accepted that adoption may be our only chance and he is getting to the point of knowing he would be able to care about an adopted child.  He still is not ready to 'give up' on a DNA child though.  I find the whole IVF process painful and exhausting, and, to be honest, not really worth it.  I would love an adopted child or children.  That is not an issue or concern, nor is passing on genes.  But for H the genetic tie is so important that we continue down this path until someone tells us to go home.

Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again.  While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?
I almost think it is unfair, but then I believe it is kindness.  When you have a loss like a death of someone you love dearly, who wouldn't want to have been told, "We will see each other again, I promise".  I mean some people have the faith that you will see those you love in the afterlife, but not all people have that.  If you were told that your loss was not permanent, wouldn't that make the immediate loss a little easier to bear? 

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?
I read the book initially before treatment and then reread it for this tour.  The first time, I don't think I paid much attention to the infertility storyline.  I think I read it more for the scientific solution and the love story.  This time through it was more impactful.  I don't know that I would have been able to go through as many miscarriages as Clare goes through.  I have had 2 and they were each horrible.  Debilitating.  And we don't get pregnant that easily so there is a lot of time for recovery between miscarriages.  I can't imagine becoming pregnant with relative ease and then losing child after child after child.  It is horrifying.  Had I not had Clare's foreknowledge of a successful outcome, I don't believe I could have continued down that path.

The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?

I feel that Alba has such a strong nature that she is going to be ok.  I feel like Clare and Henry have given her a good foundation to build upon and that she has a different understanding than Henry did growing up.  It is like any kind of impediment that is embarrassing before being understood.  If Henry were dyslexic and passed that on to Alba, when he was young he might have been tormented for being 'stupid' but as we now understand more people can be more understanding and helpful to this generation, so Alba doesn't have the same hangups that Henry has/had.  I think Alba learned to control her gift more and more as she aged.  Henry learned to predict when it would occur and know the triggers, Alba had more control than that even at a very early age.  I would guess that would only improve with age and understanding.  I would think that a 'cure' is unlikely.  For many reasons, there are too few people to make solving the problem useful and as long as time travel doesn't seem to be damaging a person then non 'travelers' may not see the benefit of curing the 'problem'.  

11dp3dt, proof of confusion

Here are the 2 sticks, but I am still spotting. Crappy.

11dp3dt, and...

...first is the bleeding.

Then another stick, the line is darker. 

Thanks for all the confusing signals.

Friday, April 13, 2007

9dp3dt, Willpower = nil

Today was the day.  I knew I wasn't going to be able to wait any longer, nor did I really want to.  I knew that if it was negative, I could convince myself it was too early and if it was positive I would be content for a few days. 

There was the peeing, the dipping, the waiting, and...... nothing.  No line.

Unless you looked really really closely.  Like by the 'light of a thousand suns', don't know what blog I read that on, but it is helpful.

The faintest little pink line, next to this horrid glaring pink line.  So I bring it back to bed and make H look at it.  He sees nothing either, certainly without a lot of prompting from me.  Finally he agrees there is the faintest second line, but he doesn't really believe that it is real or an indication of pregnancy. 

I don't care, right now I feel certain I am pregnant.  How long I will be pregnant is completely not the point, just that I know I am, right now. 

I will test again in 2 days and let you know.  I will be very sad if the line stays the same or is lighter. 

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I swore this time would be different (6dp3dt)

I truly did.  I really held myself back so as to not have the crushing defeat of loss.  Then I got caught up in the fact that we had good numbers and a reason for the last failure. 

So now I have been cruising along with all this hope in my heart and realizing that if this is another failure I might be destroyed.  The only 'symptom' I have been having is a little blood when I blow my nose.  I never have a bloody nose except right after transfer so it correlates with 'pregnancy' symptoms.  I have not felt bad, super tired, or gained any weight.  In fact I have lost a couple pounds since the retrieval, which doesn't sound like a good sign.

Each of the other times I got pregnant I felt incredibly tired and starving all the time.  I don't know when it kicked it but I do remember having it before the pregnancy test so I would expect it to be now or at least soon.  When is it too early to POAS??  I am desperately ready to do it now, but I might lose it if I get a negative.  I think it might be a little early for any sign, though a stick should be able to give me some info in the next day or so right??

I have the 'test 5 days early' sticks so in theory, I should be able to POAS by tomorrow for a sign.  H is counseling me not to test, which I know is the right answer, but I will need to be prepared before I have my blood test.  I will need to have some idea of the answer soon or I might make myself insane.  

I have 3 sticks on hand, you know, just in case.  Maybe I will tempt fate and try one tomorrow.

Sunday, April 08, 2007

4dp3dt IVF#6

The transfer went well and, for us, the numbers were encouraging.  We had 15 follicles, all of which were mature though only 9 fertilized.  I think that might be a record number of fertilization for us though.  We have had many more follicles before but used to have 50% mature and then another 60% fertilization rate.  So this new protocol is much improved.  I can tell you our protocol if anyone is interested.

Anyway, of the 9, 2 were 8 cell 1 rating.  Our clinic uses a 0 as perfect/no degradation and goes up to 4 for highly fragmented/poor, so a 1 is very good/minimal fragmentation.  There was also a 10 cell 1 rating.  Each of these was assisted hatched and put in.  Two others were a 6 and 7, and they were either 1 or 2.  The clinic thought they had a chance to be frozen but we never got a call so I assume that that didn't happen.  Really I am not disappointed.  I would have liked to be able to freeze but we have never even had results this good before, so I am not going to be greedy. 

The other 4 were all scheduled for destruction.  Mostly they had stopped growing after the first day and were just going to be used for testing, so at least I feel like something good might come from them. 

For me, this 2ww is the best part.  I am anxious, but the only news we can get is either good or bad, but not devastating.  I mean, if we get a negative, it will be very sad, but it won't be a death.  If we get a positive beta and then lose it (again) then I don't know if I can take it.  Another death (I know, miscarriage is the 'more appropriate' term, but that isn't what it feels like) could really just set me over the edge. 

Right now, my life is moving in a good direction.  I have found a few things to do with my time that I am really looking forward too, my job search is (hopefully) coming to an end (seriously if it isn't I am about to just toss in the towel and work at a bookstore for the discount) and this has been our best cycle yet.  If any of these precariously perched items falls then I might just lose it.  I am trying to build strength into my life so that if one thing fails it doesn't destroy me, but it has been hard with everything being 'imperfect' right now.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

17 hours till 3 day transfer

Retrieval went well the other day, even with the whole April Fool's issue.  We got 15 follicles and 9 fertilized.  I don't know how many were mature, but that percentage for fertilization is pretty good (for us).  I don't know anything further about quality or how many to implant, but I will know more tomorrow. 

Acupuncture first thing, transfer, acu again, then home to hang out on the couch for the next few days. 

Not a very exciting update, but if you want a fun roller-coaster then I will have to update about my job search.  Fun Fun Fun.  Ugh.