Saturday, October 18, 2008

10 month, halloween party

10 months old

My little guy turned 10 months old yesterday and went to a costume party with some friends.

Click to play 10 months old
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Thursday, September 18, 2008

9 Months

Yesterday my little man turned 9 months old.  We had his well-child visit and found him to be 50% for weight and head circumference and 75% for height. 

He is such a funny little wonderful man.  He makes all sorts of silly faces at us, he scrunches up his face and blows raspberries.  He growls and attacks me like a little monster.  I call him baby-zilla, attacking the tokyo-mama-city, but when I fight back then I become the mom-ra.  We are silly together and he laughs out loud whenever you surprise him or he surprises me. 

He has been teething for approximately forever.  His bottom two teeth are in and one of the top.  The other top is still trying to break through.  Because he is teething he sometimes bites me while he is nursing.  Without fail he bites me and then laughs.  He has a big smile and a throaty laugh.  Heh heh.  It is too funny, though not usually immediately.

He is cruising on everything.  He even stood in the middle of the room the other day, not holding on to anything besides his sippy cup, lifted the cup and drank from it.  Then he chose to sit down.  He didn't fall, he sat.  He is starting to scare me.  He is so mobile and so fast. 

He is loving, especially to other babies.  He will cuddle almost any time, though he prefers to be crawling in between the cuddling. 

These last few weeks have been better for me.  I am starting to get a routine down with work and home that is working.  I still don't have any time to work out or lose this 'baby fat' but that will come, I hope.

Next week H and I will have been together for 10 years.  It all amazes me. 

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Working mama

I have just been reviewing my life a little today.  I realized that since I have gotten settled into work a little bit more that I haven't taken many pictures of the baby.  He is changing so much all the time, but my time seems to short with him that stopping for a camera has fallen by the wayside. 

I realize that I need to work on balance for my life to work out.  I enjoy working, my job is challenging and interesting but I also love my child and don't want to miss out or forget so much.  I didn't even post a specific 8 month post.  I kept thinking about one since there have been so many changes but then the month just got too far along. 

I have also been dealing with a bit of depression.  This month has made me so sad.  I felt like I have been abandoning my child.  Like he is going to forget me, and love the au pair instead.  The au pair is wonderful and she loves him.  I do not worry about her, just that he will grow confused about our relationship.  It has been very difficult, but has finally gotten better.  Even H was worried about me and usually he is not very observant about things like that.

I (mostly) know that my fears are groundless but when I am in a bad place I can't turn my mind from them. 

I am in a better spot mentally and emotionally this week, so now is when I need to make the changes to keep me on an even keel.  I will post next week for a 9 month post.  I promise myself and my child. 

Friday, August 15, 2008

Guess who?!

Was found this morning standing up in his crib?  Holding on to the railing, but fully and comfortably standing in his crib?  Another hint?  He isn't even 8 months old yet. 

Thursday, August 14, 2008

More things we eat

Sweet potato
Manioc? (Fried Yuca?) Some kind of brazilian root vegetable that is usually fried.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Things we eat!

I am going to start a list of the things my little man will eat. I want to save this list for when he is 2 and refuses to eat anything. These are all things he has eaten from our plates, usually with a lot of screaming if we put the fork in our own mouths.

black beans
kidney bean
green beans
red peppers
green peppers
sushi (started with eel, then an entire california roll, then salmon)
belgian waffle with chocolate sauce/vanilla sauce, whip cream and ice cream
blueberry pancakes
ice cream
iced coffee (decaf)
iced tea
chocolate cake
lemon slices
orange slices
limes slices

seriously, we haven't found anything he doesn't want to eat. The only time he complains is if it doesn't come off my plate. If I try to give him something from a baby food jar he whines, but if I put the baby food over grilled chicken he is totally happy. If I think of anything else, I will update this list.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

7 months

Today, my handsome little man, you are seven months old.

This month has been a month of transitions. You have started to change from a little baby to a little boy. You have gotten so big and so many of the things you did for the first 6 months are fading away.

We used to be able to put you down and know that you would be in the same spot when we returned. Now you roll and crawl everywhere.

We used to put you in your crib on your belly to sleep and find you in the same place in the morning. Now when we come in you are sitting straight up crying to be picked up.

Mama has gone back to work, and you have a new au pair. She is wonderful and loves you so very much. This week has been tough for everyone with me transitioning to full time. You wouldn't take your naps for the au pair, you seemed fine and happy with her, but as soon as I come home you start crying and hollering.

You want to do nothing but nurse when I am home, and you are not sleeping well in the night either. I hope this is all due to the change of routine and that you will settle back into your normal happy routine.

Right around 6 months you started sleeping through the night on occasion. Even if you didn't sleep through the night, you only woke once or twice. This week you have been waking up so often, or just not going back to sleep after nursing. You have been nursing almost constantly through the night for the last several days.

I hope the nursing will comfort you and reassure you that mama loves you and she isn't leaving you. I do love you, I will always come back. I miss you every moment while I am at work.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Mother of the Year AND Hostess of the Year

Well this weekend I won all sorts of awards. I had a cookout with friends and family on the fourth. It was fun but a bit stressful. We ended up having 30 or 40 people and fireworks! There might have been about 50 lbs of meat, and pretty much all of it was consumed.

Not only did we have friends over we had them STAY over. The evening of the 4th my house had 8 adults and 3 children. These 8 adults include my mother in law and a new au pair who has know been in our house for 4 days.

That night, apparently, I slept through Sebastian crying. I wake up every night yet that one night, when I have everyone I know sleeping in my house, I sleep through my son's crying.

There were 2 mothers with sub-6 year olds, and they both kept coming up the stairs to check and then rethinking it. They were afraid I was letting him cry it out, and they would be undermining my authority but instead we all just let him cry.

Apparently he cried for 10 minutes or so then put himself back to sleep until the morning.

Yep, mom of the year AND hostess of the year. I rock!!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

6 1/2 months

I have been trying to write a six month post for almost 2 weeks now. There is so much I want to say and so much I am having trouble with.

For the few days before my little man turned 6 months old, he was sleeping through the night, or mostly through the night. It was a nice transition and very welcome. Then he got his vaccinations and stopped. He went back to waking up every few hours. It was difficult. I don't know if my diet wasn't sufficient for him to feel full or if there was another transition going on that was interrupting his sleep.

Either way life was a bit tough. Napping was intermittent and irregular. I was sleeping almost every time the baby was. It was nice in some ways, and difficult in others.

Also, at the same time, I got hurt. I had an accident about 10 years ago that made me very nervous about physical activity. It was somewhat serious, but could have been much much much worse. I have finally gotten back into physical activity with pressure from a friend. I had been taking karate with her for about a month when I got kicked.

It was incredibly painful and was during practice. We weren't sparring, I was standing still while another student practiced a move. When he kicked me in the arm the pain was blinding. Within 24 hours I had an enormous bruise that went all the way down the inside of my arm.

From my previous accident I have nerve damage in that arm, so I am still having pain flares. Almost immediately my mind began coursing through the options and issues. If I have to go to the hospital, what signs to look for if something goes wrong, where do I take the baby if I need to go to the hospital, what happens to the baby if a blood clot goes to my lung.

It was debilitating and horrible. I was sunk into despair and fear for more than a week. I have begun to get myself under control, but it has not been fun nor easy. The worst thing is that the baby has been so good for these 2 weeks. He has begun sitting up and crawling. His crawling is not graceful yet, but he get pretty much get anywhere he wants to go.

He has been changing and growing at such an amazing rate and I want to enjoy it. He is so funny and new every day, while I sit in anxiety about leaving the house or anything that might cause me to get hurt again. My fear is that if I get hurt, it will be a devastating hurt, like a loss of limb or complete incapacitation. Things are getting better, and most days I think things are under control and then there will be a wash of anxiety that flows through my mind that I feel will drown me.

Sebastian is beautiful, wonderful and becoming such a chubby little man. Me, on the other hand? I am a precariously balanced emotional house of cards. Any little disturbance could bring the whole thing down.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

Wow, our very first real Sleep-through-the-night. Sebastian went down at around 7:30 last night and slept till 7am. It was wonderful. We did get up once or twice to check on him but mostly there was sleeping on all sides.

The only other time he really slept through was after vaccinations, which I don't really count.

How do you make that happen again?? Can you imagine, 2 nights of sleep!?! In a row?!? Or even within a week of each other!?! Seriously, are we talking about nirvana here?

Friday, June 06, 2008


Apparently it isn't sleep that begets sleep. Apparently it is a whole day of skipped naps.

Last night the baby slept from 7:30pm to 4:30am. It would have been wonderful had we not woken up at 2am waiting for him to start crying. Since I was missing my own oxytocin hit, I was awake until 3:30am and then finally fell asleep again.

Then an hour later, the baby remembered us.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Whoever said...

"Sleep begets sleep" was a dirty stinking liar!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


Today, for the first time, Sebastian said Mama.

H was there, he was holding the baby when Sebastian looked at me and said Mama. It was so cute, exciting and sweet. I know that he probably doesn't understand that that is my name. I know that he meant it to get onto the boob, but still it was clear, it was directed at me and it was wonderful.

Love you little one.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

5 Months


You turned 5 months old this weekend. We spent the day in the city with Daddy and had a wonderful time. You are getting so funny. You giggle all the time and always smile when you wake up for the day.

You are getting so dexterous with your hands. You can pick up a pacifier and place it in your mouth, though not always the correct direction.

I didn't realize how much I would love you. Some days I look at your chubby little face and feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is tickle your belly and hear that belly laugh. Your smiles and giggles are the most amazing part of my day.

I am going back to work. I need to go to work, but it is killing me that I will have to leave you. I know it is better for me to work, but that doesn't mean I am not going to miss you terribly. We have found an incredible au pair for you though and I think you are going to love her. I just don't want you to love her more than you love me.

You are sleeping now, and have been sleepy all day. The last several days have been very overwhelming for you. We have seen lots of friends and stayed out well past your bedtime. Even though I know you need your sleep, all I want to do it pick you up and hold you. I just want to hug you and cuddle you.

Today was the real decision to go back to work. I won't be going back for a few more weeks, but still the actual decision has been put in place. If I don't go back now I will really hurt myself in ever getting another job.

I took the cutest video of you today. You were asking for your mobile and when it was turned on you were so excited. I will add the video when I download it. Your hands and feet started flailing about with the music. Your mobiles make you so happy. I didn't expect you to enjoy them, but you do.

You are a wonderful, sweet, beautiful baby and mommy loves you very much.

Love you forever,

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Mother's Day

My very first mother's day was, a bit anticlimactic.

It was a nice calm day and the baby behaved beautifully, so that was good.

A good friend bought me flowers and a card specific for 'first mom's day'. That was incredibly thoughtful.

My mom got me a gift certificate to a store I don't really shop at that is closer to her house than mine. And my sister never called at all.

I told my friend that I was a little disappointed in my mother. Her response was that no one even mentioned her first mother's day. Not her mother, father, HUSBAND! She thought I should be grateful that it was noted at all.

And now I am.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

4 and 1/3 months

Honey-pie, pumpkin-pie, love-nugget, sweetness,

I am late for this months posting.  This months has been exciting and wonderful and a little busy.

We had to go to a funeral for a friend's mother and met some wonderful people.  We took care of a 2 year old for a couple of days while her parents thought they would be having her brother.  It is now a week later and still no baby brother. 

You have been so incredible this month.  You have started to pay attention to the book when we read.  You look at the pictures.  You only sit still for about 3 minutes but it is beautiful.  You are rolling around and can turn over, almost on demand.  You choose not to use your arms to turn over, instead you scooch your feet under your butt until it gets high enough to pull you over.  It is so funny.

Your 4-month appointment has you at 26 inches long (85%ile), 15lbs (55%) and 42 cm head circumference (50%). 

You have learned to scream, really using those lungs, to let me know how you really feel about having to wait an extra 6 minutes to eat.  You are displeased.  I get that. 

You are a good napper now, which I never expected. 

You are starting rice cereal and you are sucking it down.  You will take 3 tablespoons of cereal with 3-5 ounces of milk and you are still looking for the spoon. 

I was a little sad when we started the feeding process.  You really love it and I am happy about that, but I thought we would just be breastfeeding for a while longer.  You still nurse, but you need me a little less.  That feels a little painful.  I knew it would happen but I expected it around college, not at 4 months.  You are napping now, and I miss you so much.

I am thinking about going back to work.  My boss and I spoke this week and if I want to go back I need to make the decision soon.  I do want to work, but I don't want to leave you.  I feel like I am a little bit of a failure if I am not here with you, and also if I do not work and create something.  I don't know what I should do, I don't want to miss anything but I realize I can't have everything. 

You smile and laugh everytime you see daddy which he loves.  You look at him like he is wonderful and it is perfect to see. 

Love you forever,

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Rolling machine!!

Oh my!!  Now Sebastian can roll over in both directions from his belly!  And he has once gone from back to belly once!

I am so amazingly excited.  He has gone from belly to back 9 times in 24 hours.  It seems like 3 of them were to the left and the rest to the right. 

Monday, April 07, 2008

3 and 2/3 months?

Guess what my little man did today!!  He rolled over from his belly to his back.  All by himself.  Then I put him back to try to video it for daddy and that is where the screaming began.

Oh well, it was so cool though. 

Monday, March 31, 2008

Au Pair

This week has been interesting.  I have planned to post several times.  Each time I think I am ready to post something else occurs and throws me for another loop.

We were so excited last week.  We had been having trouble trying to find an au pair.  We have been looking on and off for several months.  I have been planning to go back to work at some point though I do not have a specific date.  I had been a contractor at my last position but had been hoping to be hired as a full time person.  So far that hasn't occurred.  Of course that means that I don't know what I will do for employment.  I am not 100% sure that I am ready to go back to work anyway.  I want to work but maybe not full time?  The confusion is not clearing up yet.  I am still so tired from not sleeping that I don't even know how to make a decision yet.

The baby has been getting better about sleeping during the night.  He was sleeping from around 8pm till 3 or 4 am.  That 4am has been inching up again and now we are somewhere between 12:30 and 2am.  If I don't go to sleep until around 11 that doesn't leave a very big chunk of time for me.  Also once he wakes up he feeds every hour or 2.  I don't mind, but I am so tired that I am a little fuzzy-brained and maybe not the best decision maker around.

We have been searching for an au pair and not having a lot of luck.  The ones we have liked have not been interested in living so far away from the city.  Finally our coordinator told us about a woman who was not far.  She had been with 2 other families that didn't work out, but the coordinator did not feel that these were necessarily the au pairs fault.  We spoke to her and she seemed very nice.  We also spoke with the family that she was staying with.  This was a different family than the ones she had been with, they were the family of another au pair that allowed her to stay with them.  The mother also didn't feel the girl was at fault, apparently the first family had some issue with domestic violence or something and the girl didn't want to stay there.  Then the next family apparently didn't respect her time and yelled at her a lot. 

The girl is very quiet and apparently the second family have strong personalities.  All this seemed reasonable to us.  So we agreed that she could come join us for a temporary position and then see how things worked out.  The first several days seemed fine, she got along well with the baby and she was very responsive to his needs.  We seemed to get along well also.

Then on Thursday she started crying after dinner.  She said she felt that we didn't like her, that she wasn't good with the baby.  That people were looking at her.  That we talked about her.  It was so weird.  I was floored.  I asked H to come join our conversation because I didn't feel we were communicating.  We talked and never felt that we truly cleared things up.  We tried to explain that until that moment we had been pleased with how things had been going. 

Friday I asked her how she felt, she said fine, but she seemed tense.  I chalked it up to stress after a difficult evening.  I left her a car and took the baby to playgroup.  The next morning she said she wanted to go home to Thailand.  I was shocked but I said fine, of course.  We were out all day and again on Sunday. 

When we finally came home we found that she was gone.  She had packed up and left.  We have no idea where she went. 

I was so upset.  So disappointed.  I can't believe that she would leave the baby.  How could she care for my son for a week and just leave him like that?  I just can't understand it at all.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Giggle King

I finally got giggles!  I am going to have to figure out how to tape them.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

3 Months

Dear Sebastian

You turned 3 months old yesterday.  I look at you in amazement.  You have gotten so big and heavy that everyday I think you cannot get any bigger.  You seem to be around 16 lbs now and we saw your friend Eliot yesterday who weighs 13 and is 3 weeks younger.  He felt so light to me. 

You are a big boy, and usually happy.  Except for yesterday when I tried to surprise daddy with a photo from babies r us.  You wouldn't sit still, smile, or even look at the nice woman with the camera.  Next time we will have to bring daddy since he is the only one who can consistently make you smile.

You have just started to laugh too.  Again daddy is the only one you will do it for consistently but I love the sound.  It is so amazingly funny.

You grabbed your pacifier for the first time just a couple of days ago.  You still can't put it in or near your mouth, but you did grab it and pick it up.

I can't help but love you.

I have laryngitis today so our time together has been very quiet, which confuses you, I hope to have my voice back soon so we can start to play and read again.

Love, Mommy

Monday, March 03, 2008

Thursday, February 28, 2008


We are desperately attempting to teach Sebastian how to sleep, preferably on his own, but certainly for a relatively long period of time. 

This has been going on for about a week.  Generally he only sleeps when he is lying on top of someone.  If he does get put down he usually wakes up within 5 minutes.  This makes accomplishing anything a bit difficult.  It is like he is lonely and likes to be held or nearby someone.  That someone can really be anyone, but is usually me. 

For the last week we have been attempting to add a 'routine' into his evening so he knows that it is bedtime and sleep in his own crib.  The first night was amazingly painful, for everyone, he howled and cried for ever.  We kept going in and rubbing his back, occasionally picking him up and generally trying to reassure him.  The second night was so much easier.  I thought we were doing great.  He was starting to understand what to do and he was ok with the crib.  HA.

The next night we had SIL, BIL, and nephew over and Sebastian didn't sleep much during the day at all.  Then the night came and the misery started.  He would calm down, he wouldn't relax at all.  I nursed him several times trying to get him calm enough to fall asleep and he would eat, then scream again.  We all took turns trying to calm him and hours later, he finally fell asleep.  The next day he slept almost the whole day.  He napped from noon to 7pm with only short alert breaks for nursing.

We have had different amounts of luck over the next few nights, then tonight, I fed him, placed him in the crib, and rubbed his back for a minute.  He is asleep now, calm and beautiful. 

Lets hope he stays down and this is the beginning of a new trend. 

Monday, February 18, 2008

Two Months

This month has been an exciting one.  We have moved house.  You have gotten your first set of vaccinations.  We have joined a new playgroup with other babies your age. 

You are now 12 lbs.  You are such a big beautiful boy.  You still love to sleep on mama as often as you can.  You are incredibly alert.  Your eyes are always looking for something interesting.  I feel like I don't do enough to stimulate you, but I am concerned about over-stimulating you too.  I want you to be interested in the world, but not hyper-active with no attention span.  So far you are amazing, you can play on your gym mat staring at the animals for several minutes at a time.  Your legs are kicking the whole time you are checking out the rattle-ring overhead. 

You cry infrequently.  You are generally a happy baby.  You holler for food very often, some days every hour.  You cry when you are sleepy, but can't calm yourself to sleep.  Otherwise you are pretty calm.  You fuss when you are bored or lonely, but if you are held you are quiet as a mouse.  You love to be cuddled and held and hate to be left alone.  You still don't like to sleep by yourself which we are starting to work on. 

You have gotten so big over the last few weeks.  You are almost always hungry and some days we can see your head grow.  Your eyelashes are getting so long and your hands are so much bigger than when you were born.

You amaze me every day.  I can just sit for hours and stare at you.  Even when I should be sleeping.  We are both still only getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, which is definitely difficult, but amazingly worth it.

It took us over three years and 6 IVF cycles to find you but you are so worth it.  I look back on that time and see how angry and sad I was.  I can still feel the pain, but it is like a memory of the pain.  Sometimes in our playgroup I will 'complain' about how tired I am or how hard it can be, but I am playacting.  I am tired, and there are hard things, but after all the stress and anxiety of infertility to get here, this is nothing.  I complain because all the mothers do and I want to fit in.  I want them to believe we are just a normal family with the normal issues, and we are, but I don't begrudge you any of the exhaustion.  I am amazed at how much I enjoy being tired, being confused about how to keep you interested, learning how to help you sleep/eat/play. 

My OB was considered a high risk practice.  A friend made a comment that she felt it was dumb that I felt the need to go to a high risk practice 'just because it was difficult to get pregnant'.  I was angry with her since my pregnancy with you was not always cake and ice cream, our hcg numbers didn't double as expected, I bled for 3.5 weeks, I was always in a panic that I would miscarry again.  Then I realized that while I told her about our difficulties getting pregnant I never once told her about any issues while I was pregnant.  I was so happy to get to each new stage of my pregnancy.  I only cared about getting to the next week, getting the next ultrasound, seeing your tiny heart beat steadily at 140 bpm. 

I didn't complain because I didn't feel like I had anything to complain about.  I was finally pregnant, it was relatively uneventful, I got a beautiful son. 

I know there are people who are still upset about infertility and I am sure that when/if we need to go back to the doctor to begin again it will be difficult.  It will be difficult, but different.  I would like a larger family, but if I never have any more children I can look at you and say that I am happy with what I have received. 

I look at you with wonder and amazement.  I can't believe how much love I can feel for one tiny little human.  I want to protect and love you and show you the world. 

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Favorite things

One of my favorite things about having a child.  When he is a little fussy and fidgety (sp?), I sometimes can pick him up and he just settles right into my shoulder.  He just breathes out and calms down immediately, almost asleep as soon as his head touches my neck.  It is a wonderful feeling, right before the big, wet fart that rumbles against the hand holding his butt.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

6w2d, changes

Sebastian is changing so much this week.  He is now alert for much longer, which is bad for my napping schedule, but cool to watch.

He actually fell asleep on his activity mat today for about 5 minutes, maybe 8 minutes.  This is a huge step.  He hasn't slept on his back yet, until this morning.  He also slept in his car seat, on the floor for almost 2 hours yesterday.  That was amazing.  I didn't get much done since I just kept waiting for him to stir and end the nap.  Every other day had been either a 3 minute nap, or a long nap that he had to be held throughout.

I had my 6 week appointment on Monday and all went well.  It was funny though, I am really bad about any sort of gyno stuff.  I get anxious every time they go to do a pap that I tense up and make it that much more uncomfortable and difficult.  Still it has to be done and apparently had to be done on Monday.  The nurse said that if I thought it would help she would put the baby on my chest during the exam as a distraction.  He was calm so I didn't want to disturb him. 

As soon as she put the speculum in and I tensed up, he started screaming.  He continued crying the entire exam and calmed as soon as the exam was over.  I know he probably had a burp or something that irritated him, but it felt nice that he seemed to sympathize with me.  The nurse commented that he was 'in tune' with my feelings.  Sure, and the fart that was building in his butt.

Still, he is wonderful and beautiful. 

Friday, January 18, 2008

One Month

My beautiful baby boy turned one month old yesterday.  It has been an exciting, exhausting month for everyone. 

I love his mouth, his cheeks, all his chins, and even all the rolls on his neck.  He is such a good boy for mommy.  He isn't the best sleeper yet, but any fussing can be solved by a hug from mommy. 

When he is sleeping he is beautiful and so sweet.  When he is awake he is alert and attentive.  He stares at everything right now. 

Once in a while it almost looks like we are getting a smile, but he often smiles in his sleep.  I would love to know what he dreams about.  (I would guess poop and the boob).

I love this new little being so much.  I fear every minute that something might hurt him.  Every gurgle and cough needs to be checked to make sure he continues breathing.  I worry that I will fail him somehow, yet all I want to do is give him everything he wants.

I will try to update with some pictures later if I can get a nap myself. 

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Although, something cool...

At 5:26am this morning, my son learned to focus on our faces and follow our motion.  It was so incredibly cool.

Noon would have also been cool, but I guess we can't ask for everything.

Longest nap yet

The last several days have been ones of eating on one side, falling asleep for 10 minutes or less, then feeding on the other side.  Repeat in 1 hour or less. 

Finally today he slept for several hours, only as long as he was kept in the Baby Bjorn.  He won't sleep if he is not attached to a human.  He will not sleep on the floor, in the bassinet, anywhere.

And, no, I didn't sleep with him.  That would have been too easy.  I did finally get to eat an entire meal though.

This is going to take a while.

Friday, January 11, 2008


...eventually sleep, right?

For longer than 45 minutes?


Sunday, December 30, 2007

2 week birthday (new years eve), birth story

Ok, I understand that I am supposed to be tired.  Everyone told me I would be tired, I accept that.  What I am having trouble with is the level of bone-aching tiredness that has been the last week.  This weekend has finally started to get better and I am now truly up and about so I think (hope) that we are on an upswing.

Anyway, lets start at the beginning.

I had a lot of reasons for wanting a c-section.  I have a real anxiety about labor.  I have a deep-seated fear that I will freak out during labor and make the entire experience much worse that it has to be.  I had spoken to my dr about this and asked that some sort of calming agent be available.  He said that was perfectly acceptable but that since I was so open about talking about my anxiety and fears he didn't really believe that I had much of a problem.  He felt that those with the real issues are those who deny there is a problem, or don't recognize when they are in the throws of an anxiety attack.  H was sitting with me during this appointment and he made a face at me like, "He doesn't really know you very well".

Another reason for a c-section, I have had two miscarriages.  In each of these, nothing happened.  I never started bleeding, I never felt any cramps, nothing.  I had a real concern that my body wouldn't really know how to go into labor. 

Oh, and I didn't want to have my baby on xmas.  That just seemed so unfair to him.

Anyway, my dr was fine with all my reasons and allowed us to schedule.  We were scheduled for 39w1d.  This put us at Dec 17, and if I went into labor naturally I would have just attempted to have a natural birth, but if I hadn't gone into labor by that date, we would have the c-section.  Having a plan, an end point, was so incredibly helpful.  It made everything fall into place.  We had all our xmas shopping and shipping done.  All the cards had been sent, an email list was created for the birth announcement.  I just felt like I had a level of control that I needed.

My appointment was scheduled for 12:30pm, things were running a little behind but nothing surprising.  My BIL is a resident at a different hospital, but he did tell me a few things to expect from the spinal which was really good.  I got the spinal and immediately started to feel nauseas and dizzy.  It was pretty horrible, apparently your blood pressure can drop which makes you feel this way.  As soon as I mentioned it, they started another medicine in the line which increases your blood pressure, it took about 5 full minutes to really work, which felt like forever, but once it did work I felt so much better. 

I could tell they were cutting, but not really where, it felt like they were cutting higher on my belly than where the scar actually is, so perhaps most of what I was feeling was the pressure from their hands and the retractors.  H got some video of the 'experience' but so far I have refused to watch it.  I guess he saw them pull out my intestines or something to get at the baby.  I didn't really get a lot of detail there. 

We were told that as long as things went well, they would remove the baby, show him to me, wipe him off and give him to me or H to hold while finishing up all the cleaning out and closing up.  Well, that isn't exactly what happened.  There was a sheet hung up between me and my belly so I couldn't see any bloodiness, and when they finally got the nugget out, the dr said 'Look up, look up look up, here is your son!"  He basically flashed the baby at me for barely a second and then immediately brought him to a table I couldn't see.  It was very quiet, at this point there was no baby crying. 

They had to suction his lungs and give him oxygen.  He wasn't really breathing and no one would tell us anything.  They let me see him again after a few minutes when he was a bit better, but he hadn't 'passed' the Apgar tests, so they brought him to the NICU for a half an hour.  As far as NICU visits go, a 30 minute visit is not bad.  I think they just wanted a bit of privacy and quiet to get a real sense of what kind of trouble he was having with breathing.  For the next day or so, he was still 'wheezy', which they call grunting, but if he was held upright the sound stopped. 

We basically kept him in our room the entire 4-day stay except for the first night.  They nurses wanted to keep him in the nursery to be able to listen to him breathe during the night.  They just wanted to make sure the fluid was clearing from his lungs.  We had agreed that we wanted to try breastfeeding.  I know that the milk doesn't come in right away but still the nugget was losing weight and quickly.  Each nurse had a different suggestion as to how to hold him, latch him, everything.  It was a little confusing but still everyone was very kind. 

He was born at 8lbs 8oz, and by the third day he was 7lb 8.6oz.  At this point, we were told to begin to add formula as my milk still hadn't come in.  We added 1/2-1 oz after each feeding.  We left the hospital on Friday afternoon and had our first pediatrician appointment on Saturday morning.  By this point, my milk had finally come in, and his weight had gone to 7lb 15.5oz.  Basically he had gained half a pound in about 30 hours.   We were told we could stop the formula and just breastfeed for the near future. 

By this point though, breastfeeding was so painful.  I was cut and bleeding and it was not a pleasant experience.  It is still getting better, but really there is still pain whenever he feeds. 

We are still going in for weigh-ins at the pediatrician's.  He is not gaining weight consistently yet.  I think the formula really put us in a weird situation.  He gained too much weight, too quickly and now we are trying to re-normalize what his weight gain really is.  Part of the problem might be that I wasn't able to eat very much for a few days.  He was feeding so frequently and for so long, that I never had the time to make food or eat anything.  Apparently this makes breastmilk be 'skim' since there isn't really anything spare to put in it, making him need to feed more frequently.  This got to be a brutal loop that we are trying very hard to break.

I lost 15 lbs while in the hospital, and another 5 in the next five days at home.  This seems a little quick to me, so I am trying to be more conscientious about my intake.

Things are starting to settle in a little bit.  He is a beautiful angel and becoming far more alert every day.  He slept every minute he wasn't eating at first but now he eats and then is alert for a little while before falling asleep.  He is already a little spoiled.  He does not like to be put down at all.  If he is not eating, he still wants to be held.  This makes showering and going to the bathroom a little complicated.  It is alright though.  He is totally worth it. 

His name is Sebastian, he is mommy's little angel.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Welcome to the world! Happy 1 week birthday!!!

Our son arrived on December 17, at 1:40pm via c-section.  Today he is 7 days old.  He is beautiful and we are so very happy and excited.

It has been a crazy exciting week, and I want to update everyone on the birth experience and the last few days. 

I am working on the post now, but there is a lot of sleeping I am working on so it might take another day or two to get posted.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

38w3d, Belly pix!

Ok, here goes! I am wearing the same pants in each picture and look at how low they need to ride to be on the latest pictures! I think I am cutting off some circulation here.

Anyway, that is the last of the belly pictures, next up is either labor or c-section. Nugget was very active tonight. I don't think he wants to be inside any longer. He is ready to escape.

38w3d, Sorry, false alarm

We had a bunch of trouble trying to get the photos uploaded and that is why the belly retrospective is pending. 

That and the fact that other than working and doing laundry for the best dressed, unborn child ever, I am sleeping.  That is my entire life. 

Still no signs of nugget.  He is very content to hang out as long as mommy lets him.  No contractions, no nothing.

Except for some bleeding after an internal.  We are 50% effaced with 0 dilation.  At least we are heading in the correct direction.

Oh, and we are getting a sleet/ice warning for tomorrow and a potential Nor-easter for the weekend.  H is in a panic about getting to the hospital.  It is very sweet and cute. 

Saturday, December 08, 2007

37w6d, Last belly picture tomorrow!

Tomorrow we take the last belly picture.  I will need to load it and then will post it.  I might even post another time-line of belly pix if I am feeling industrious. 

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

37w3d, Favorite pregnancy symptom

I have had a favorite pregnancy symptom for the whole pregnancy.  It is blood when I blow my nose.  Obviously I love feeling the nugget move and everything, but a bloody nose was an early symptom and it has been consistent.  So even when I was concerned or doubting, if there was blood in the tissue when I blew my nose, it was calming.

Till yesterday.  I have only had a couple of real bloody noses.  Mostly it is just a little blood in the tissue, not actual flow.  Till yesterday.  At work.  Mid-conversation with a colleague, I felt my nose was getting runny.  When it started to feel a little drippy I grabbed a tissue.  By the time I got it to my face, his face had already fallen and he was asking 'are you alright?'.  That was when I knew the runny nose, was not really runny, but plain old bloody.

Only a little embarrassing. 

We saw the dr on Monday and everything looks good.  Nugget is head down (and has been since like June, so that wasn't a surprise), and almost 8lbs already.  7lb13oz was the calculation.  He is 91%ile in size now, and all measurements put him at 39+weeks.  We are pushing back the Dec 8 schedule to Dec 17 now.  If I go into labor naturally, fine, otherwise he will be removed on the 17th or 18th.  This is good, he will be a whole week before xmas so we could celebrate his birthday earlier.  Also, he will be around 9lbs by then, so if he doesn't come out on his own, would I really want to have to push him out??

He definitely favors the right side and my belly is often completely firm on the right side, and soft/squishy on the left side.  That is weird. 

Planned/expected end date, 39w1d, wish us luck.

Friday, November 16, 2007

34w5d, Panic begins to ensue

Had my 34 week appointment on Monday and did a non-stress test. Last
week I felt the nugget was a bit quiet and so my dr did the non-stress
test. It seemed fine, a little quiet but not a big deal. He just
wanted to check again, but this time we failed. We were
non-responsive. They followed up with an ultrasound and everything
seems fine.

Nugget was probably sleeping but still it wasn't that much fun. They
even used a buzzer several times to try to get a response, but while
nugget might startle, he didn't keep moving on his own.

We are really starting to get close. We are only a few weeks away and
there is still so much to do. I am hoping to get a bunch of stuff
done this weekend, but I have not been sleeping well so I am not
really terribly productive when I am home.

We are talking to the dr about a c-section because I am afraid I will
panic during regular labor, and also I would like to separate our
child's birthday from xmas if we can. It doesn't seem like it would
be very nice to have a birthday and xmas be on the same day or just a
couple of days apart. It would be nicer if his birthday could be his
own. So we discussed it, and the dr was ok with the idea, his nurse
called back the next day with a schedule of December 8!!

As in 3 weeks from now. I almost threw up on the phone. I freaked
out. I don't know if I will be ready in 3 weeks. Also, both H and a
good friend of mine are trying to convince me not to do a scheduled
c-section. Now I don't know what to think.

Monday, November 05, 2007

33w1d, 7week home stretch

Today I made the announcement at work that I am going to be less available after 6 weeks.  I know I am 7 weeks till the end but i didn't want to over promise to anyone if I have to leave earlier.
There still seems like there is so much to do, but some things can't really be done until later.  I would like to get our xmas shopping done, but H wants to use amazon for everything so we don't want to order too early.  We took some photos for our xmas card, but we haven't chosen that either. 
This crib is all set up and has a mattress but I haven't done any laundry yet for all the clothes or sheets that we have received from friends yet.  My mom is throwing me a shower this weekend, which will be very nice, but will also let me know what all we need to buy to complete the list of things we need.  For example, I don't think we are getting a cradle for our room, so we will have to buy that. 
I am looking forward to seeing everyone at the shower, and we are really getting excited about everything. I am just starting to worry about what we will get done on time and what will end up sliding till next year.  I don't like being late for stuff and will feel bad if we end up not getting xmas presents out to all the nieces/nephews because nugget decides to come early or we just didn't plan well enough.

Thursday, October 18, 2007


I have a lot of stuff floating about in my head regarding this pregnancy right now and it has been tough to put it down in writing.
We had another appointment this week and we are in the 93%ile for size, so we are sticking around the same growth rates as the last few appointments.  The head measured 10.3cm x 7.8cm (ish).  This is basically 4" x 3" which seems like a good size.  Also I had protein in my urine yesterday.  I was a +2, but my bp is 90/56, so that isn't the concern.  Apparently there is a dehydration issue associated with protein in the urine, so I need to be a little more careful and see if that helps at all. 
We had a big bbq for H's birthday a couple of weeks ago and finally told the world the gender of the baby. 
I have kept this secret for 13 weeks, and now that it is out, I am feeling a little let down.  I am glad people know, though I don't want all gendered clothing, but then I didn't want everything in yellow and green either!  I am very particular this week.
We are having a boy.  We haven't picked a name yet or anything.  I know H wanted a girl but now he is thrilled by 'his son', 'our son', 'the boy nugget'.  I am happy for him, and now need to come to my own acceptance. 
Almost all of our friends have girls.  All the babies close in age to ours are girls.  We are the only ones having a boy.  In some ways that sounds nice, but it also sounds a little lonely.  Both for me and the baby.  Who will we spend time with?  Will all the children in the local mother's group be girls and if so, who will my son play with??  I know these things resolve themselves, but it is still where my mind is running right now.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

28w3d, Holy Crap

Had another appointment and now the size estimate is in the 97th percentile!  Holy crap. They checked my diabetes levels and found everything to be normal so that isn't the problem. 
OMG, I seriously do not know what I will do with a 10lb infant.  How does one even escape the body???

Friday, September 28, 2007

27w6d, Irony alert

H has been 'planning' my halloween costume.  He wants me to be a pumpkin. Ha ha, fat girl in pumpkin costume!
We both call the nugget and each other pumpkin so he thinks that would be cute, and it might be, but still a little cliche.
I was flipping through a catalog that had costumes in it while he was talking and I held up a cute 'goddess' costume and said "I could go as a goddess".  His reply "Yeah, a fertility goddess".
Yeah, that seems really appropriate.  Funny and ironic, but probably not appropriate.

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I am very bad at this updating thing.  I have been a bit distracted with stuff around the house, but that is no excuse really.
I have also been spending my at home-computer time trying to put together a website for my family.  I registered at several different places and didn't want to have to tell people different things so I thought a website that consolidated all the information in one place would make things a little easier.  I have done any web stuff in years, and I am not imaginative enough to do the actual 'design' part, so I have been struggling to try to put something together that wasn't offensive. 
I think I have finally pulled something together that is simple and relatively attractive.  I would like to add some more functionality but I don't know that I have that in me this week. 
We had an appointment on 25w1d and found that the nugget (or nuggette) is measuring about a week or so ahead.  Apparently this puts it at the 90th percentile for size. 
That concerns me, a lot.  I have a biggish head, and H has a big noggin and thick skull so this kid is pretty destined to have a big head.  I don't need it to have a big head AND be bigger than other babies!
I have had a tough week with people at work too.  Not a big deal or anything, just a lot of extra comments about my size, weight, 'suggestions' of all kinds.  I kind of reached my limit this week, on Tuesday.  That is not a good sign.  I know I am probably being a bit extra senstive, but still I just want people to be a little less invasive some of the time.  I had someone ask if I was having twins, ffs!!  I am just starting my 7th month and I have gained 17 pounds so far.  That doesn't feel like 'twins' weight to me!
Of course that was after work where 2 people made comments about 'waddling' which I don't think I have started to do yet!  I mean, I am clearly, obviously showing now, but not like I am huge and look like I am going to give birth next week!
Well, I am supposed to be working, so I am going to run.  I'll try to post more soon.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

23w2d - 4D ultrasounds *UPDATED*

I hope these come out alright. I tried using the blogger video upload for the first one but it took FOREVER and was making me crazy. So the rest are on youtube, I didn't link to all of them, but if you go and choose my user you can look at any of them. Some came out better than others, and it looks like we have daddy's nose!

I think I like working for a medical device company! This was what I did at work yesterday and I will have another on Thursday morning.

***I forgot to add that while the scanning was occuring, the man was measuring the head. The diameter of the head (ear to ear) is 6.1 cm. Apparently this is larger than our dates would suggest. He felt that we were actually at 24w6d, I tried to explain that we are pretty certain of our dates, but he was stubborn. I didn't want to explain IVF and how it all works but how did this stranger expect to know more about my body than I do?

I told a woman I work with the story and her response is that you can be off by a week or more in either direction. I explained again that we were certain about our dates, and implied that with a husband who travels often for work this calculation becomes easier, but still she believes we might be further along too.

Does it not occur to anyone that some people have larger heads (both myself and H included) than average? That by having a dr, a petri dish, and a scheduled appointment, one can be fairly certain of the T=0 timeframe? So odd.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

22w3d, Update to previous post

I tried to add this as an update, but I did something wrong so I am creating a new post.

Sorry, but here is a photo to make up for it.
This is a profile shot, with hands over the nugget's face:
And this is a shot of the nugget's foot. Which is horrifyingly similar to its father's foot, flat and wide.

I do believe that I am incubating a lizard though. Everyone told me that you run hot during pregnancy, which is alright with me since I run pretty warm most of the time anyway. Well I have been cold for months. When H puts his hand on my belly it is frequently cold to the touch. I think this nugget is a heat sink. No matter how much heat I put in, it sucks it all up.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007


Just at the start of the sixth month and had another U/S.  Our place does two of the 'survey' ultrasounds, where they measure everything and tell you where your risk levels are.  We got another very good result.  Our nugget is exactly the right size and has none of the indicators for an issue.
This was very good news, especially since this might be the last appointment H can come to with me for a while.  He is so crazy busy at work and each appointment is half a day.  I understand, and am glad he got to see another U/S before he wasn't able to come anymore.
This is such a weird time in the pregnancy.  I am looking pregnant most of the time.  Occasionally someone looks at me like they are trying to figure it out, whether I am fat or pregnant, but mostly people are aware that I am pregnant.
For the first several months it was so anxiety inducing.  Things moved so quickly but everyday was something new to worry about.  Right now I am sort of coasting.  I know the end is going to be crazy but still I can't really get into doing stuff like remodeling a nursery that we aren't going to have furniture in for 2+ months.  We have been talking about a few design options, but that is it. 
I have started some registries and a list of things I would like to accomplish, but nothing feels like a crazy race right now, which is so weird after 3 years of hurry up and now we are just waiting. 
The only significant changes I am feeling/seeing are the real tightening of my belly.  It really feels like there is a lot of pulling going on and sometimes it gets so tight and tense.  Last night in bed the bump was sticking straight up.  It was a little uncomfortable, but still funny. 
I left our U/S pics at home today, so I will have to bring them with me to work tomorrow to post.  I will try to scan and post them tomorrow.