Thursday, July 17, 2008

7 months

Today, my handsome little man, you are seven months old.

This month has been a month of transitions. You have started to change from a little baby to a little boy. You have gotten so big and so many of the things you did for the first 6 months are fading away.

We used to be able to put you down and know that you would be in the same spot when we returned. Now you roll and crawl everywhere.

We used to put you in your crib on your belly to sleep and find you in the same place in the morning. Now when we come in you are sitting straight up crying to be picked up.

Mama has gone back to work, and you have a new au pair. She is wonderful and loves you so very much. This week has been tough for everyone with me transitioning to full time. You wouldn't take your naps for the au pair, you seemed fine and happy with her, but as soon as I come home you start crying and hollering.

You want to do nothing but nurse when I am home, and you are not sleeping well in the night either. I hope this is all due to the change of routine and that you will settle back into your normal happy routine.

Right around 6 months you started sleeping through the night on occasion. Even if you didn't sleep through the night, you only woke once or twice. This week you have been waking up so often, or just not going back to sleep after nursing. You have been nursing almost constantly through the night for the last several days.

I hope the nursing will comfort you and reassure you that mama loves you and she isn't leaving you. I do love you, I will always come back. I miss you every moment while I am at work.

Love you forever,

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Mother of the Year AND Hostess of the Year

Well this weekend I won all sorts of awards. I had a cookout with friends and family on the fourth. It was fun but a bit stressful. We ended up having 30 or 40 people and fireworks! There might have been about 50 lbs of meat, and pretty much all of it was consumed.

Not only did we have friends over we had them STAY over. The evening of the 4th my house had 8 adults and 3 children. These 8 adults include my mother in law and a new au pair who has know been in our house for 4 days.

That night, apparently, I slept through Sebastian crying. I wake up every night yet that one night, when I have everyone I know sleeping in my house, I sleep through my son's crying.

There were 2 mothers with sub-6 year olds, and they both kept coming up the stairs to check and then rethinking it. They were afraid I was letting him cry it out, and they would be undermining my authority but instead we all just let him cry.

Apparently he cried for 10 minutes or so then put himself back to sleep until the morning.

Yep, mom of the year AND hostess of the year. I rock!!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

6 1/2 months

I have been trying to write a six month post for almost 2 weeks now. There is so much I want to say and so much I am having trouble with.

For the few days before my little man turned 6 months old, he was sleeping through the night, or mostly through the night. It was a nice transition and very welcome. Then he got his vaccinations and stopped. He went back to waking up every few hours. It was difficult. I don't know if my diet wasn't sufficient for him to feel full or if there was another transition going on that was interrupting his sleep.

Either way life was a bit tough. Napping was intermittent and irregular. I was sleeping almost every time the baby was. It was nice in some ways, and difficult in others.

Also, at the same time, I got hurt. I had an accident about 10 years ago that made me very nervous about physical activity. It was somewhat serious, but could have been much much much worse. I have finally gotten back into physical activity with pressure from a friend. I had been taking karate with her for about a month when I got kicked.

It was incredibly painful and was during practice. We weren't sparring, I was standing still while another student practiced a move. When he kicked me in the arm the pain was blinding. Within 24 hours I had an enormous bruise that went all the way down the inside of my arm.

From my previous accident I have nerve damage in that arm, so I am still having pain flares. Almost immediately my mind began coursing through the options and issues. If I have to go to the hospital, what signs to look for if something goes wrong, where do I take the baby if I need to go to the hospital, what happens to the baby if a blood clot goes to my lung.

It was debilitating and horrible. I was sunk into despair and fear for more than a week. I have begun to get myself under control, but it has not been fun nor easy. The worst thing is that the baby has been so good for these 2 weeks. He has begun sitting up and crawling. His crawling is not graceful yet, but he get pretty much get anywhere he wants to go.

He has been changing and growing at such an amazing rate and I want to enjoy it. He is so funny and new every day, while I sit in anxiety about leaving the house or anything that might cause me to get hurt again. My fear is that if I get hurt, it will be a devastating hurt, like a loss of limb or complete incapacitation. Things are getting better, and most days I think things are under control and then there will be a wash of anxiety that flows through my mind that I feel will drown me.

Sebastian is beautiful, wonderful and becoming such a chubby little man. Me, on the other hand? I am a precariously balanced emotional house of cards. Any little disturbance could bring the whole thing down.