Surprise

Got my latest HCG reading this week.  I had my D&E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that.  My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30.  I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today.  I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test.  I haven't had a period yet, and they don't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it. 

I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies.  Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue.  I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood. 

I don't know how I feel on the whole subject.  I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days.  I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile.  I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days.  It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light.  It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself.  I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens, but it takes a great picture with my little point-and-shoot.

I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy.  It isn't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend's baby that broke my heart.  He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant' provide that to him.  I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad. 

I had my previous D&C last year exactly at this time, and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant.  We boycotted the whole thing this year.  No tree, no decorations, no joy.  Minimal presents to everyone.  So far, not really my favorite time of the year.

Tormenting myself

Shopping today for presents, I spent hours in stores just walking around.  Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections.  I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms, and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes.  It was sad and difficult. 

The worst part was that I haven't been feeling too bad.  I have been a little crampy but not horrible, so I thought physically I was doing well.  After a couple of hours in the store, I felt horrible.  Hot, sweaty, nausea, cramping.  I had to sit down in the aisle for a while.  I always have a book with me, so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while.  I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 

I can't bear to wrap the presents yet.  I can't really stand to look at them yet.  I will try again this weekend.  I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week, though we haven't done anything for our card list yet, so that might be an enthusiastic goal. 

I vetoed a tree this year.  I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree, usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold.  We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2' off the top.  And it still barely made it in the room.  This year, I can't bear it.  I don't want any of that stuff in my house.  I don't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this.  If we had a child, of course I would pull myself together but we don't so why should I have to fake it in my own house.

Time to think about other people...

We have a friend with a health problem.  He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected.  He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned.  If you pray, please do, or just send good thoughts his way. 

D&E not D&C

So my D&C became a D&E which uses vacuum instead of cutting.  Apparently this is supposed to be a little easier on my body.  In respect to the procedure, it seems to have been. 

I do love my clinic, the only downside is that they are so busy that we were away from home for over 8 hours yesterday.  We left at 10am for a 12:30 procedure which didn't get started until 2:30pm.  I guess I was in the room for about 15 minutes total and spent the rest of the afternoon 'recuperating'.  I was a bit lightheaded but not really feeling much pain.

Last night was painful and crampy but not so much that pain killers were necessary.  Just uncomfortable. 

I guess now is just the recovery time.  Physically my body isn't bad.  I have a little extra weight, but nothing unusual for a cycle.  Everything that started to change due to pregnancy has already returned to normal.  I just have to deal with the mental baggage now.  I feel like this was all a dream, that I never really got pregnant.  Like it was all a delusion.  There is no proof that there was a child involved at all. 

The doctor sent the tissue for testing to determine if there was a chromosomal issue, but asked if we want the tissue returned to us afterward.  Both H and I were in quick agreement, NO.  Thank you, but no.  I can't imagine bringing the tissue home for a 'burial'.  That is not the kind of closure that I need in this case.

Again, thanks to everyone for their thoughts and good wishes.  So far things seem ok, and H is already talking about the next cycle.  I am not ready to discuss that yet, but I guess we will see.

Thank You so much

Thank you all for all your support.  You have been wonderful, and I truly appreciate it. 

We are really hanging in there this weekend.  I have not been feeling well today, and can't wait until Monday.  I just want this to be over so I can begin to heal, mentally and physically. 

I just can't believe that we are going to have to go through all this again.  I keep feeling like this is a horrible joke that I will eventually wake up from.  I keep going to sleep hoping that things will change, but they never do. 

Again, thank you for your kind words. 

Update

Finally got the 'confirmation' scan.  We got squeezed into an 8:30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic.  It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn't gotten behind schedule yet.  We are confirmed for no heartbeat.  The radiologist was quite nice, though she did say to the student "We are only doing this to see how far it got"  yes, I can hear you.  Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan.  She was very kind at that point.

She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat.  It was pretty clear, but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there.  It was completely obvious where the head and arms were.  It looked like Munch's "Scream", which really freaked me out.  They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on.  I couldn't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me. 

I waited around all day, I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D&C today, or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn't get on the schedule until Monday.  I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days.  I understand that it has died but somehow my body won't let go.  If it does happen 'naturally' I was told by my nurse to 'scoop it up so they can do some testing on it'.  I swear to you, those were her words.

I am a little mentally unsound today.  I am mostly angry, which the therapist says is a stage of grief.  I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this.  Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me.

So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0.

I am just going to hide for a while.

10w5d, 90% be damned

90%, HA, I laugh in the face of 90% success rate.  Actually not so much laugh as sob hysterically for most of the rest of the day. 

Went to my gyno appointment today and he couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so he sent me to another department for an ultrasound.  She couldn't find any heartbeat either. 

Everyone said that things couldn't be better this time.  We had an 8-cell, grade 1 embryo.  Our HCG numbers were pretty spectacular but still a failure.

I feel like there is just a bare pin point of light entering my brain, everything else is just darkness.  My brain feels like a grey fog.

We had begun discussing names and needs last week. 

Now it is impossible for us to have a child before I turn 35. 

Vacation, Thanksgiving update

Vacation was very nice, we didn't do anything but sit on the beach for 5 days.  H had a wonderful time, I was a bit bored, but he was really looking forward to doing nothing after working so hard recently that I didn't want to stop him.  It was nice overall, but we our flight was late returning and we didn't get in until almost 11 pm on Tuesday night.  On Wednesday we had to run around like crazies doing all the shopping for Thanksgiving.

We were volunteered to do Thanksgiving this year by my mother.  She claims that she doesn't have enough room for everyone, but we have had quite a few people at her house before.  I just think she doesn't want to do it anymore and is pushing it on me.  I am the only child who is close by that doesn't have any children, so what else would I do?  It is alright, I don't mind though H hates the cleanup.  We actually ran 5 full loads of dishes in the dishwasher since last night and had to wash all the pots and serving dishes by hand.  He was still washing dishes at 2:00 this afternoon.  He is a very good cleaner, one reason I am such a lucky girl. 

The number of people kept changing, all the way up to Wednesday.  On Wednesday I discovered that everyone who said they were not likely to come were coming.  So we had a total of 16 adults and 4 kids.  It was packed.  H made a table top for our pool table out of plywood and it just fits 16 people around it.  The plan was that the kids would sit at a different time, wouldn't sit at all, or something.  It turned out the one family was late and so they sat at a second sitting which staggered the seating a bit, making it all work out perfectly. 

It was fun, if overwhelming.  There were a couple little 'family blowups' but on the whole really quiet.  Also, we got out of traveling to visit the MIL which is the first year ever and that might be one of the top things I am thankful for this year! 

Still no pregnancy symptoms yet.  I am still a little tired in the afternoons, but my hunger has really dissipated to very normal levels.  My belly has gotten a little bigger but nothing really noticeable.   Mostly it is just like middle age spread.  My waist is bigger everywhere, not just the belly, so I can't really blame it on pregnancy.  I have my next appointment on Tuesday and I am hoping to feel more confident after that.  I keep feeling confident after my appointments but then the doubts creep back in. 

Every time I go to the bathroom I still check for blood.  I don't know when that will stop.  I really hope that one day during this pregnancy that I will feel confident enough that I will forget to check even just once in a while, but so far that hasn't happened yet.  Even in the middle of the night I check. 

Today is 10w1d, we have passed through 25% of this pregnancy, though I won't feel secure that we are through until I hear the doppler next week.

Oh, by the way, my cousin is pregnant.  That is ok with me, I am better with this whole thing now.  She is 5 months along, and having a girl.  I am better about H's brother too.  I just needed time to process it, I think.  My friend is 8 weeks further along that I am and I am thrilled about it.  We are going to have kids around the same time and that makes me happy.  Now it seems that my family will be adding another 'batch' ('crop' ??) of cousins and second cousins around the same time. 

Tough day

I finally spoke to my OB, and I was in such a good mood.  I was actually going to be able to call him my OB.  That is a huge step forward for us.  We chatted for a while and he was busting my chops a little, which is funny.  I don't mind being teased by him, he is a good guy and always means well.  Then he dropped a  little bomb.  He feels that I will need to come in to see him every 2 weeks for the entire pregnancy, until the end when it will be weekly.

He is concerned about a couple of older health problems that can predict some future issues, primarily miscarriage and early delivery.  He wants to start the testing almost immediately, including some more genetic testing.  He is affiliated with another big hospital in the Boston area, which is not the one I went to for my treatment.  This is all a little disappointing.  I was really hoping/thinking that maybe this pregnancy would be fairly uneventful and that I would be able to experience a little bit of being normal.  HA, clearly that is not in the cards for me.

Also, I was interviewing for a position and had my second interview yesterday.  It seemed to have gone well, and I was to hear today.  I am a bit over-qualified for the position, but it is 12 minutes from my house and less than 10 from my OB's office, so that all seemed perfect.  I just want to go back to work, and I realize that since I am pregnant that I will be leaving for a time next summer so I thought something a little less complicated would be a good thing for me.  I also am so tired of commuting.  Every job I have ever had has been a minimum of an hour commute, each way.  I can't keep doing that.  I just can't mentally do that, and try to be a normal person.

Well, I finally heard late this afternoon and they offered the position to someone else.  I have no idea why, they told my recruiter that they loved me and thought I was great, but still they offered to someone else.

Finally, my brother-in-law, who lives very far away has announced they are pregnant.  7 WEEKS, we are 9 weeks tomorrow and we haven't even started telling our closest friends/family, except for those who were involved in the IVF drama.  This is the same BIL who, when he heard we were engaged responded with the comment "I guess I am going to have to go shopping now", who we told our date to and 6 weeks later a Save the Date card comes in the mail for the SATURDAY BEFORE...ON AN ISLAND....20+ AIRPLANE HOURS AWAY.  

I am happy for them, but I just wish we could have made our announcement individually.  Does that make me a bad person??

90%

We had our 8w appointment yesterday.  It was all good news.  Heartbeat of 160, size of 1.6cm.  Each of these are pretty much right on for 8w0d.  We spoke to our doctor after the ultrasound and she was very happy.  We graduate out of their program into my own OB, who I called yesterday.  I was still so hesitant and concerned yesterday.  I asked the dr when I could feel better, more confident.  Her reply... "Now.  With a scan like this you are at 90% likeliness of a healthy baby at the end, and when have the odds ever been 90% in your favor??"  This is why I like this new clinic, straight talking, no crap. 

Our ultrasound was FOREVER.  We had a new-ish resident and he didn't really know what he was looking for or where.  He seriously spent over 45 minutes looking for my left ovary, but he was below my belly button.  I, myself, was pretty certain that it was a bit more TO THE LEFT, but he was certain he would find it eventually.  He finally said he found it, but added a note to the scan so we don't think he really did.  It didn't matter, the attending came in 10 minutes later and spent 3 minutes, he found the left ovary, the right one and the baby.  All in the 3 minute scan. 

I wonder why the US department was running 1.5 hours behind??

Still a good day.

Worst dream ever

Ok, so what would the worst dream ever be???  Just think about it, you are having trouble falling asleep, you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow, and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!!!

So, an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP.

Fun fun fun.

Worst dream ever

Ok, so what would the worst dream ever be??? Just think about it, you are having trouble falling asleep, you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow, and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!!!

So, an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP.

Fun fun fun.

Exhaustion

I am so exhausted.  I have not been sleeping well at all lately and I have been having dreams that are really weird.  On a good note, last night was the first time I had dreamed of this pregnancy going to term and having a child out of it.  It was weird and more than a little nice.  Of course there were an awful lot of other dreams that weren't exactly the same.  In one I found out H was having an affair.  I woke up in a SUPER-BAD mood.  I know that H is not that type of person, but I was hurt by someone a long time ago who did cheat.  It is something that seems to be in the back of my mind and pops up in dreams every once in a while. 

As a perk though, last night I dreamed that I kicked the crap out of my MIL.  That was a bit cathartic.  H and I had dinner with my parents last night and she came up in conversation.  I guess perhaps she frustrated me just a scooch.  :D

There were a whole bunch of other dreams last night, but they have all become pretty foggy. 

Torture

Decided to torture myself a little bit yesterday.  I was out shopping, picking up a couple of things for our trip, when I decided to take a quick pass through the maternity section.  I know I am not showing and I am still not even a 100% certain about this pregnancy but I just wanted to look.  See what MIGHT be in my future, and boy oh boy, what hideous-ness.  According to Tar-Jay, I have nothing to look forward to besides shapeless muu-muu tops and bland big belly pants. 

Can't wait.

Psych!

HA HA HA, not going to Aruba this weekend!!!  My husband eye infection is worse and he needs to go to a doctor tomorrow so our trip is postponed.  We pushed it out two weeks, so that we return on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  Which I am hosting at my house.  With ~20 adults, ~4 kids.  YAY. 

Good news all around.  Fun fun fun.

Forever

Each day of this week is an eternity.  I know that statistically we are likely to be fine and come out of this with a healthy baby, but we have fallen on the wrong side of statistics so frequently that I can't actually have any faith in that.  We are heading to a lovely tropical island for the weekend, hopefully to just be quiet and calm and relax.  In H's case probably to sleep since he doesn't really do that much here with all the stress he is putting on himself.  I had to drive him to work today since he never went to sleep last night and the last time he did that he rear ended someone.  Reflexes not exactly up to snuff. 

Anyway, I am still tired and needing naps during the day, so I am hoping that is all a good sign. 

By the time I get back I am hoping to have a couple of interviews set up, and my second US is Thursday, so I am really hoping to get a bunch of good news in the near future.

Translation

My US report clearly mentions "Enlarged ovaries, consistent with hormonal stimulation". The nurse mentioned it several times in our meeting as well so I figured it was time to ask Dr. Google. Turns out the statement of enlarged ovaries translates to "We can't tell if you also have an ectopic pregnancy" This is called a heterotopic pregnancy, which I kept reading as HETEROTIC. Certainly made the reading a bit more interesting.

Results

Well, we got today's ultrasound results and so far we are on track.  We are 6w0d today and we have a singleton gestational sac with a heartbeat of 112.  That is really good and the size measured between 2.1mm and 2.4mm with 2.0mm being the acceptable size for this time. 

This has really relieved quite a bit of the stress.  I know we still are not supposed to tell people but I really am ready to scream this at the top of my lungs.  I can't wait to start telling people.  We have told a couple of close friends who have been a part of this whole process but that is all.  I feel a little unfair telling them and not others, but I know it is for the best. 

Thank you for all your support through all this.  Wish us luck that this keeps up!

Fear and confusion

Last week we found out that a friend of ours is sick.  He has had a chronic problem for a long time, but recently there was some acute problem.  He has been in ICU for 2-3 weeks and they are looking to move him to a new room tomorrow.  We haven't seen these people in a while as they had moved away a few years ago and we fell out of touch.  It was only lucky timing that H tried to contact the wife recently and we found out about the husband's health.  They have moved back here as we have some really good hospitals in the area for his treatment and her field is also medical in nature.

We have our appointment tomorrow in the city and since he is in a hospital nearby, we asked if we could visit.  It sounds like he is much improved which is great, so we are going to try to have lunch with the wife tomorrow and see him after lunch for a bit.  We communicated a little today to set up tomorrow and I knew that she has a job at the hospital my clinic is a part of, but it is a huge hospital so I didn't really think much of it. 

Today she tells me that she is in the same building that we will be going to, and then I remember her focus.  Ultrasounds.  I don't really remember many of the specific details, but I do remember that her last company was making ultrasound machines.  Obviously I hadn't really intended to discuss our IF issues with these people.  They are our friends but as I said, ones we are not very close with.  I don't know how much information she will have access to, but she will certainly be able to see what we are coming in for. 

Now I am in a bit of a panic.  We are going to be in her area of expertise and see her 20 minutes after we have our US and speak with the nurse.

Pain and anxiety

The last few days have been tough.  I am waiting for the US next week and the week is taking forever.   I am starting to feel aches and pain in my abdomen.  I do not know what these pains are, but I know that pain is not a good thing.  Everything I have read mentions pain in the first trimester as either gas (very likely) or ectopic (hopefully less likely). 

The pain is intermittent and runs down into my leg.  I know that there is pain associated with tendons stretching but that isn't supposed to be for another 6-8 weeks.  I don't want to  call the doctor and be a panicky crazy, but I am worried.  I know if there is anything wrong there isn't anything they can do anyway.  If it is ectopic, it is over, if there is nothing in there, it is over, if I miscarry, it is over. 

I am trying to at least be calm, but I am concerned.  I am hoping that since my HCG was so high, that I might be spared an ectopic or miscarriage, but there is no certainty. 

Joy of knowledge

I was thrilled with my numbers for a total of 3 days.  Now, thanks to Dr. Google I have the knowledge that high HCG numbers can also indicate Downs.  Thrill a minute at our household.