Shocker!

Well, we were (not) shocked at the Dr yesterday.  There was no heartbeat at all now and the sack is already starting to collapse.  I knew all of this before as I have mentioned here but it was still sad to see the fading sack on the screen.  The embryo did grow again, a litle, but only 2 days.  So at 8w3d, the dead thing inside of me was only 6w3d in size.  The Dr recommended to get a DNC to get everything cleared out before Christmas. 

I am supposed to have dinner with my family Thursday night around 5:30 and my 'procedure' is at 3.  I doubt I will be able to make dinner, but no one in my family knows why.  I don't know what to tell them.  H thinks he can still go and just say, she isn't feeling well tonight, but I don't think that will fly, since I will be missing a 6-year olds birthday. 

I have never had a DNC (obviously) and it isn't something that has come up in my research.  Ask me about hormone levels, shot placement, timing of cycles and I can tell you anything, but ask me about what to do once you get pregnant and lose it, I got nothing.

I appreciate being able to think out loud here, but still I feel a little alone.  H is good and supportive, and I have a few friends that know, but now with Christmas, and this procedure.  It feels so lonely.  Like I am sitting deep inside a bubble that no one can touch me. 

As an aside, the day before the appointment, I was listening to my iPod and I have Schoolhouse Rock on it.  With "3 is a Magic Number".  I know the words (yes, you can probably work out my age from that) and I just knew what was coming.  So, driving home from work, crying in my car as I hear the words:

A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number.

I did much better with the math part of the lyrics, I have a math-y background, but then they repeat the family part.  How devestating is it that you are not considered a family until you have a child.  We send out our xmas card with family in the first line and this is the first year that felt wrong.  Like I was lying.  We get lots of cards from ... Family but all those people have at least one, if not another on the way. 

They are allowed to use the 'family' word while my husband and I are just pieces waiting for the rest of the puzzle to be complete.

Thank you

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has read and commented on my situation.  It really means a lot to both myself and H.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow the Dr tells us what is going on and whether we are in the 90% or 10%.  I can hazard a guess. 

My nephew

Normally there are several people to watch my nephew, but this weekend is impossible for everyone except me.

I explained my feelings to H and he wants me to do it, because this is our goal.  To have our own child that we can do things with all the time.   This should be enjoyable, and it will be.  It just will be a bit bittersweet. 

Also, what if we finally ever do get have a child and try again, and I miscarry again??  I can't just abandon the child I do have to nurse my grief about the child I lost.

Logically I understand this.  Somehow that doesn't make it easier, just something I have to do.

While I am getting my head around what is happening to my body, it will not be truly real until the bleeding begins.  That is being held behind the floodgates precariously created of progesterone pills and estrace.

Still Waiting

I am still waiting for the final decision.  My doctor wants me to stay on meds until next Tuesday Dec 20.  Then we can see how far this has progressed in another week. 

He said that if things still look bad, then I will go off meds.  Then my body will take over and I will have lost my (so far) only chance at getting pregnant. 

I want to let this go now and try to be in a stable mental state for Christmas, but H is not ready  to let go.  He thinks that if he only waits another week, it will start growing and then everything will be fine.  He wants to believe that this can work.  If we work hard enough or do the correct thing that this will fix itself.  He doesn't seem to understand that it should have doubled in this week and probably do so again for next week.  Even if it could survive for a little longer, I think it will only fail later.  When I will be completely unstable.

I am taking care of my 3 year old nephew this weekend too.  I agreed before I knew of the problems and forgot until yesterday.  H doesn't understand that this will be very hard.  I love my nephew, but being around other people's kids is hard now.  Especially since this kid is pretty much what our kid will look like.  H and BIL look very much alike and SIL and I have similar coloring, so I know (kinda) what our kid will look like.  And I will be watching him, all day Saturday. 

Of course, last week we volunteered to host Christmas morning at my house since my dad has been sick.  This is going to be fun.

I am picturing a tough week.

I guess the new name is SBHHA (Something Bad Has Happened Again)

Well the other shoe has finally fallen.  I didn't want to post over the last week because things have been a little too difficult and I wasn't ready to face stuff yet. 

I guess it is time now to clear my mind.

Last week was the first follow up ultrasound at ~6weeks (4 after transfer).  I have now known I am pregnant for 2 full weeks.

The week before my dad had gone to the hospital because he had collapsed.  No apparant reason, just fell over in the dining room while getting ready for dinner.  My mom freaked out and got him to the hospital.  We all went to the ER and hung out for the entire evening.  My dad was fine, just bored and hungry from sitting there all night.  I am sitting there, debating with myself whether I should tell my dad or not.

I mean, I don't want him to die without knowing that his youngest is pregnant, but I also haven't really been telling anyone I am pregnant except the few people who have been supportive during my treatments.  So only 3 people (besides my husband) know about the flickery thing in my belly.  So do I tell him, or wait till I am further along?  He has several more doctor appointments and will very likely have surgery soon and he isn't the youngest dad around.

So, at the ultrasound, I am told that I am a few days behind schedule.  The Dr feels this is no big deal, I probably just implanted a couple days later than they expected.  I should have been 6w2d and instead I was 5w6d.  So instead of being due on July 29, I am likely going to be Aug 1 or 2 (the 2nd is my anniversary).

I am scheduled to go in today for my 7w3d ultrasound and find out that now we are at 6w1d.  So in 8 days, it has only grown 2 days along.  The heart rate was about 100, and should have been around 120 and the size only increased slightly.

We then met with the doctor and the word 'miscarriage' came up a lot.  Not only did it get discussed but it is basically a certainty.  He said that there is maybe a 10% chance of keeping this pregnancy to term. 

Update (or NBHHY)

Thanks to Nico for letting me know the acronym NBHHY.  Nothing bad has happened yet.  Right now that is still true.  I feel better discussing where things are and where they are going while still undergoing all the fertility treatments.  Now that we have our first positive pregnancy test, I don't want to jinx anything. 

Things are going alright, but if I make one tiny mis-step, will that all go away??

At the moment both H and I feel like, at least we know we CAN get pregnant.  It is possible.  Between us we can come up with one sperm and one egg healthy enough to grow, at least for 4 weeks.  We 'saw' the heartbeat yesterday and found that my progesterone is still 216.8.  I can now go to oral which is 3 pills a day but better than the stick in the butt! 

We were so excited that there was a heartbeat, but then we spoke to the Dr. and he feels that it is a bit 'behind' from when you would expect it to be.  Since implant was Nov 7, on our appointment, it should be 6w2d, but the heart-rate was only 93 and size was 2.8mm.  These are measurements for a 5w6d.  If we are still 2-3 days behind at next weeks appointment, then the Dr feels ok about it, but if we are falling further behind then we can expect failure at some point in the near future. 

Right now the expected date is 7/29, but if we continue to be a few days behind then we will head into August, which is my anniversary and birthday, so that could make our house hectic for 2 weeks.

Thanksgiving

Wow, having 17 people in your house all at once is distracting!  At least I didn't sit and stew about what my numbers were. 

Of course I did that all morning today.  Bloods at 7am and 5 hours of working while I am so distracted that I can't focus.  And then they call and somehow my phone doesn't ring, it goes straight to voicemail.  I am sitting here, right next to the phone and all of a sudden I get a 'beep'.  Thank God the nurses now know me and leave all my numbers and info on the voicemail otherwise I call back and ask a million questions.

Today b-hCG is 1208 and progesterone is 224.  The woman says anything over 30 is good.  That sounds high, but there are no complaints if everything is working!

Now, another whole week of waiting before an ultrasound and visit the Dr.  I am starting to feel better about this.  The nurses say that after next weeks US I am allowed to start feeling excited and if I want to begin telling people.  I don't know if I want to keep this private a little longer, just in case.  What if something bad happens and I have already told everyone I know?  That seems like a bad thing.  A bad thing that I don't know if I can truly handle.

So far I haven't really had any symptoms, other than an increased sensitivity to smell.  It isn't necessarily a bad sensitivity.  The smells aren't making me sick or anything, just an irritation.  I also have a little cold and whenever I have a cold I get increased sensitivity to smell, so I can't really blame this on pregnancy. 

My mind is now everywhere.  All the good things, all the possible bad things (and there are MANY!).  It is very exciting, but also really scary.  I am so confused as to how I should feel.  I don't know which direction I can turn

Thank Goodness!

On Nov 19 we had our first of the blood tests and b-hCG was 48! They asked me to come back in 48 hours to 'confirm' and I was 129.

That is a doubling time of 1.4 days, or 33.6 hours.

Nov 19-

b-hCG 48
Progesterone 287

Nov 21
b-hCG 129

I return on Nov 28, so hopefully things will continue well.

Tomorrow I have 17 people in my house for Thanksgiving. I am not ready to tell them, so this will be awkward.

More Fears...

I need to take Estrace twice a day every day until they tell me whether I am PG or not. I have been so good, even down to taking it within the same 30 minute window every day.

I fell asleep on the couch the other night and still woke myself up and took my pill.

Not last night, last night, I went to bed at a normal time, brushed my teeth, remembered the pill and just plain forgot to take it. What is wrong with me. All the shots, all the time, all the frustration and I forget the easiest part.

What if they tell me I am not pregnant?? Will it all be because I missed one dose of one little pill?? How can I do this without blaming myself constantly for not being successful???

My fears

I am lucky in some ways, I have a very good friend who knows about my fertility issues and is very supportive.  Some of the people in my office have gone through fertility treatment and they can help too.  These are people I wouldn't normally tell personal stuff to, but now it seems the rules are changed.  I am the kind of person who likes a friendly relationship in the office, but not too 'personal' until I get to know you MUCH better, and for most of my co-workers that might mean never.

I don't mean this in a mean way.  Just that I don't feel comfortable when someone I barely know if going on and on about her boyfriend/health issues/family problems.  I feel like that is private and should be shared with people you know will be supportive and not judgemental.

Anyway, because of my fertility problem my acceptable level of 'personal information' has changed. 

Now, because I know of a few women in my office with the same problems, I have a support group there that I wouldn't have expected. 

Here's the problem.  I feel I can' t talk about this with my family.  I have family members that I would normally talk about personal difficulties but I can't talk to them about this. 

I don't want to see the pity, the sympathy.  The question in their face every time I see them, "Are you??".   It is supposed to be my secret, mine and my husband's until we are ready to tell people.  Not a question every 5 minutes. 

Does that make me selfish?

I guess I should start with an update, as to where I and my husband stand on our search for a family. 

We are presently on our third course of IVF.  Obviously the first two were raging failures, and the latest is mid-course so I am not supposed to make predictions.  They only cause severe levels of depression. 

The first IVF cycle, the dr retrieved 18 follicles.  I thought I couldn't be any prouder.  Of course 10 minutes later the woman in the next bed was crying in pain after retrieving 24.  Still 18 meant I was a trooper, I was going to produce so many embryos that I would be able to just implant them and have as many kids as we could handle.  Then we found out that there were only 10 mature, and 9 of those fertilized. 

That was a disappointment, but seriously, who wants 9 kids?  I was still doing so well that I knew this was going to be easy.  On a relative sense of course, IVF isn't easy, injecting every day, all the hormones, all the disruption, but still.

Then, Day 3-implant, dr recommends only implanting 2, don't want to risk multiples, etc.  But he points out that none of the embryos are looking great.  Several have already stopped growing and most have severe fragmentation. 

Two go in, none survive to Day 5 for freezing. 

14 days later, as my period is already starting, I am still supposed to go to get a blood test.  I explain, in tears, that I don't need a blood test and they try to explain that "You never know, you can bleed and be pregnant".

Oh, I forgot to mention, I started a brand new job the week before retrieval.  Of course, I never told anyone what I was doing, that was private.

So, I am on Day 28/Day 1 of new cycle and I get 'the phone call' at work, and of course I break down.  I have been working with these people for a total of 3 weeks, one of which I took off because my center recommends 4 days bed rest, and I am hysterical in an empty office. 

Let's just say, that didn't go well. 

The next course was several months later, because now I am trying to get into a new job and just deal with the emotional difficulty of going through IVF. 

This time we are trying an expedited cycle, only 1 month instead of starting in the previous cycle.  This sounds wonderful to me.  More injections, twice a day but all in 14 days (or less depending on my cycle). 

Retrieval = 16 follicles, 9 mature I think 6-7 fertilize.  I don't hold out much hope and I am rewarding with the same condolence phone call. 

And now, the most recent (present) IVF. 

I go back to using the normal cycle, with increased follistim.  I got a better response using the normal cycle, so even though that takes 2 cycles to do, that is what the dr recommends. 

I get 22 follicles, 12 mature and 9 fertilize.  H says that sounds like a record and the dr explains that actually 67 was the record.  I don't think I want the record.

We implant on Day 2 instead of 3 to test if maybe my body can help grow the embryos better than a petri dish. 

Still, now we implanted 3, each of which is a 5-cell on Day 2. 

Of the other 6 (on Day 3):

1 stopped growing immediately
1was a 2-cell
1 was a 4-cell
2 were 6-cells
1 was 8 cells

Each of them showed some signs of fragmentation.  They did not think there was much chance of any surviving to freeze.

I am still waiting for the blood test.  That is 5 more days away. 

Well, I think that is the catch-up. 

This is just the beginning.

This blog is to document and discuss my infertility and the ramifications on the rest of my life.