Tuesday, December 13, 2005

I guess the new name is SBHHA (Something Bad Has Happened Again)

Well the other shoe has finally fallen.  I didn't want to post over the last week because things have been a little too difficult and I wasn't ready to face stuff yet. 

I guess it is time now to clear my mind.

Last week was the first follow up ultrasound at ~6weeks (4 after transfer).  I have now known I am pregnant for 2 full weeks.

The week before my dad had gone to the hospital because he had collapsed.  No apparant reason, just fell over in the dining room while getting ready for dinner.  My mom freaked out and got him to the hospital.  We all went to the ER and hung out for the entire evening.  My dad was fine, just bored and hungry from sitting there all night.  I am sitting there, debating with myself whether I should tell my dad or not.

I mean, I don't want him to die without knowing that his youngest is pregnant, but I also haven't really been telling anyone I am pregnant except the few people who have been supportive during my treatments.  So only 3 people (besides my husband) know about the flickery thing in my belly.  So do I tell him, or wait till I am further along?  He has several more doctor appointments and will very likely have surgery soon and he isn't the youngest dad around.

So, at the ultrasound, I am told that I am a few days behind schedule.  The Dr feels this is no big deal, I probably just implanted a couple days later than they expected.  I should have been 6w2d and instead I was 5w6d.  So instead of being due on July 29, I am likely going to be Aug 1 or 2 (the 2nd is my anniversary).

I am scheduled to go in today for my 7w3d ultrasound and find out that now we are at 6w1d.  So in 8 days, it has only grown 2 days along.  The heart rate was about 100, and should have been around 120 and the size only increased slightly.

We then met with the doctor and the word 'miscarriage' came up a lot.  Not only did it get discussed but it is basically a certainty.  He said that there is maybe a 10% chance of keeping this pregnancy to term. 


J Fife said...

Oh, N. I ache for you. I can't even imagine what you're feeling, but for some reason, I'm really mad. At who, what? I don't know. The universe? Whatever, whoever is responsible for hurting you. I'm going to go scream now. Aghghgh!!!! Hang in there. You have a strength that few possess. Giant hug!

NCD said...

I really appreciate your thoughts. I told Rachael (Randy's wife) today and she was appropriately angry for me too. Her words, which have been better than mine on more than one occasion, were that with all the trouble to get pregnant, why couldn't we catch a break and just be able to stay pregnant when we finally do get there.

I wish we could have caught that break too.

So far I haven't hit angry yet. Just totally sad and weepy still. I hope to move on to mad soon, but I am still not there yet.

Emma B. said...

Here's hoping you'll be in that 10%, but I'm so sorry you're having to go through this now.

Nico said...

No! What crap. And what a crappy time of year for it to happen. I'm so, so sorry.

S. said...

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I hope for the best.

Miss Chris said...

I know it sounds bad when someone tells you that they know how you feel but, I do know. It happened to me too. Sorry it has to happen to you.

Jenn said...

I'm so so very sorry. The same exact thing happened to me in May/June. My heart goes out to you. *hugs*

thalia said...

That's really sad news, NCD, I'm really sorry. You're right, it's just all so incredibly unfair.