Wednesday, December 21, 2005


Well, we were (not) shocked at the Dr yesterday.  There was no heartbeat at all now and the sack is already starting to collapse.  I knew all of this before as I have mentioned here but it was still sad to see the fading sack on the screen.  The embryo did grow again, a litle, but only 2 days.  So at 8w3d, the dead thing inside of me was only 6w3d in size.  The Dr recommended to get a DNC to get everything cleared out before Christmas. 

I am supposed to have dinner with my family Thursday night around 5:30 and my 'procedure' is at 3.  I doubt I will be able to make dinner, but no one in my family knows why.  I don't know what to tell them.  H thinks he can still go and just say, she isn't feeling well tonight, but I don't think that will fly, since I will be missing a 6-year olds birthday. 

I have never had a DNC (obviously) and it isn't something that has come up in my research.  Ask me about hormone levels, shot placement, timing of cycles and I can tell you anything, but ask me about what to do once you get pregnant and lose it, I got nothing.

I appreciate being able to think out loud here, but still I feel a little alone.  H is good and supportive, and I have a few friends that know, but now with Christmas, and this procedure.  It feels so lonely.  Like I am sitting deep inside a bubble that no one can touch me. 

As an aside, the day before the appointment, I was listening to my iPod and I have Schoolhouse Rock on it.  With "3 is a Magic Number".  I know the words (yes, you can probably work out my age from that) and I just knew what was coming.  So, driving home from work, crying in my car as I hear the words:

A man and a woman had a little baby,
Yes, they did.
They had three in the family,
And that's a magic number.

I did much better with the math part of the lyrics, I have a math-y background, but then they repeat the family part.  How devestating is it that you are not considered a family until you have a child.  We send out our xmas card with family in the first line and this is the first year that felt wrong.  Like I was lying.  We get lots of cards from ... Family but all those people have at least one, if not another on the way. 

They are allowed to use the 'family' word while my husband and I are just pieces waiting for the rest of the puzzle to be complete.


Virginia said...

Nice story:)

Virginia ( )

Emma B. said...

I'm so, so sorry, and I'll be thinking of you and H.

fisher queen said...

I am so sorry. What you are going through is horrible. I wish I could help.

Nico said...

Virginia, you are an asshole.

N, I am so sorry that your pregnancy has ended like this. So incredibly sorry.

Take care of your self, do what ever you need to do. Don't go to the party, and don't feel guilty about it.

Thinking of you both.

thalia said...

I'm so sorry NCD, what a sad way to go into Christmas. I'm sure your family will cope without you this one time. Would it be ok for your husband to tell them why you can't come? Or could both of you skive off and tell them later why you can't make it? You might need him with you.

J Fife said...

Oh, N. Your eloquence in such a trying time is amazing. If you feel like letting someone into your bubble, I'm here. I wish I had some deep meaningful words to help you out. Actually, I wish words were enough to help ease your pain, but I don't think it's that simple.

Whatever you do over the holidays, make sure you put yourself first. Forget the obligations. Make yourself the priority.

If going through all that you have with H doesn't qualify you for family status, I don't know what does. You're not lying. You are a family.


Nico said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you, and hoping you're doing as well as you can be under the circumstances.

Lori said...

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I hope you were able to find a diplomatic way for both you and H to skip out of dinner.
I'm thinking of you.

LeggyP said...

NCD- just found your blog. I'm sorry- I went through a miscarriage with IVF #2 (now on #4), and it sucks so much. And I so get where your husband was coming from re: "if we just give it another week" and not wanting to give up hope. Its just so hard to believe you can go from the happiness of a BFP to having it fail- I'm really sorry for your loss.