Translation

My US report clearly mentions "Enlarged ovaries, consistent with hormonal stimulation". The nurse mentioned it several times in our meeting as well so I figured it was time to ask Dr. Google. Turns out the statement of enlarged ovaries translates to "We can't tell if you also have an ectopic pregnancy" This is called a heterotopic pregnancy, which I kept reading as HETEROTIC. Certainly made the reading a bit more interesting.

Results

Well, we got today's ultrasound results and so far we are on track.  We are 6w0d today and we have a singleton gestational sac with a heartbeat of 112.  That is really good and the size measured between 2.1mm and 2.4mm with 2.0mm being the acceptable size for this time. 

This has really relieved quite a bit of the stress.  I know we still are not supposed to tell people but I really am ready to scream this at the top of my lungs.  I can't wait to start telling people.  We have told a couple of close friends who have been a part of this whole process but that is all.  I feel a little unfair telling them and not others, but I know it is for the best. 

Thank you for all your support through all this.  Wish us luck that this keeps up!

Fear and confusion

Last week we found out that a friend of ours is sick.  He has had a chronic problem for a long time, but recently there was some acute problem.  He has been in ICU for 2-3 weeks and they are looking to move him to a new room tomorrow.  We haven't seen these people in a while as they had moved away a few years ago and we fell out of touch.  It was only lucky timing that H tried to contact the wife recently and we found out about the husband's health.  They have moved back here as we have some really good hospitals in the area for his treatment and her field is also medical in nature.

We have our appointment tomorrow in the city and since he is in a hospital nearby, we asked if we could visit.  It sounds like he is much improved which is great, so we are going to try to have lunch with the wife tomorrow and see him after lunch for a bit.  We communicated a little today to set up tomorrow and I knew that she has a job at the hospital my clinic is a part of, but it is a huge hospital so I didn't really think much of it. 

Today she tells me that she is in the same building that we will be going to, and then I remember her focus.  Ultrasounds.  I don't really remember many of the specific details, but I do remember that her last company was making ultrasound machines.  Obviously I hadn't really intended to discuss our IF issues with these people.  They are our friends but as I said, ones we are not very close with.  I don't know how much information she will have access to, but she will certainly be able to see what we are coming in for. 

Now I am in a bit of a panic.  We are going to be in her area of expertise and see her 20 minutes after we have our US and speak with the nurse.

Pain and anxiety

The last few days have been tough.  I am waiting for the US next week and the week is taking forever.   I am starting to feel aches and pain in my abdomen.  I do not know what these pains are, but I know that pain is not a good thing.  Everything I have read mentions pain in the first trimester as either gas (very likely) or ectopic (hopefully less likely). 

The pain is intermittent and runs down into my leg.  I know that there is pain associated with tendons stretching but that isn't supposed to be for another 6-8 weeks.  I don't want to  call the doctor and be a panicky crazy, but I am worried.  I know if there is anything wrong there isn't anything they can do anyway.  If it is ectopic, it is over, if there is nothing in there, it is over, if I miscarry, it is over. 

I am trying to at least be calm, but I am concerned.  I am hoping that since my HCG was so high, that I might be spared an ectopic or miscarriage, but there is no certainty. 

Joy of knowledge

I was thrilled with my numbers for a total of 3 days.  Now, thanks to Dr. Google I have the knowledge that high HCG numbers can also indicate Downs.  Thrill a minute at our household.

d17p3dt

Oh my!  Clinic called and told me that I needed to increase by 66% in order to be considered 'acceptable', so that puts me around 1700 or so.  I was hoping for 1800-1900, just because I am a teeny-tiny bit type-A.  Well, type-A be damned, my uterus has decided that it is type-A++.

My HCG is 2389 today.  Well more than doubled in 48 hours.  Next week on to ultrasound to see how many are in there.

Off for more research.  I might throw up, just a little.  But in a good way.

How is it only 1 day?

This 48 hour wait is so much harder for me than the 2ww.  I just traipsed through the 2ww, la la la, like Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest.  Now, knowing that I have something to lose, I am doing nothing but think about it.  We have been joking about the chance of twins or triplets, and either would be fine, but what if this ends up badly?  Like all the rest?  Researching 'twins' and "hcg" has given me a little help, with our number we are statistically in a very good place to come out with a healthy child at the end.  Maybe somewhere between 80 and 95%, but we have ended up on the wrong end of statistics so many times. 

Why should this time be any different?

d15p3dt

Well the double line was not a mirage!  b-HCG of 1061 today, and I go back in a couple of days for another test. 

I just feel so relieved, but there is a little tinge of sadness in there.  Now all my thoughts are regarding when I might lose this pregnancy.  It is so hard to just be happy and thrilled after all this frustration.  It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Right after I POAS'ed I was so excited and just wanted to call everyone and start telling them.  Of course I didn't, but I feel like I didn't because I don't fall into the normal people range.  Normal people get to announce their pregnancy on the first day of a missed period, but infertiles have to wait until everything is perfect, checked and rechecked.

Last pregnancy, that ended in miscarriage, started at 48 so we are better than that!  This place tests later though, so that isn't likely to be a fair test. 

Anyway, off to research b-HCG numbers for twins!  (just in case!!!)

(Lots of exclamation points today, I wonder why??)

d13p3dt

Well, I broke down this morning and POAS.  I couldn't help myself. 

I got my first ever strong double line.  I hope this isn't any of that 'residual' hcg sticking around.  Bloods on Monday for real confirmation.

Keep hoping.

d12p3dt

Its been almost a week and I am desperate for another distraction.  I am exhausted and sleeping a bunch during the day.  Not so much at night, but nice naps during the day.  Every night I try to go to bed around the same time, somewhere in the vicinity of 11pm.  Every night for at least a month now I wake up at around 2am, 4-4:30am, and 6:30am.  Then the alarm for meds goes off at 8am, so by then I am exhausted.  Apparently this is a side effect of my happy meds.  They interrupt REM sleep so you don't get as restful a night's sleep, but recently it became a routine.  Now I wake up at exactly the same times every night.  It bites. 

Also, I am at d12 and bloods are not until Monday.  I really don't think I can wait any longer.  I have pulled out a stick for tomorrow's pee.  I normally hate them with a passion and wait till bloods.  I have never seen a positive and so I think all sticks are cursed.  I would prefer to wait to have the 'official' word but I don't think I can make it.  We are having my nephew over this weekend and some friends on Sunday so I have some distractions, but I don't think it will be enough.

Help.

Way to make the 2ww fly by...

Well, first you have H's birthday be within the first week.  Then decide BEFORE SCHEDULING TREATMENT that you will throw a birthday party.  At your house, with everyone he works with, local friends, and, of course, family. 

Decide that 21 adults and 7 children of various ages can all be fed the same thing, then realize that you have some vegetarians, and some 'no red meat' people coming to your BBQ.

Realize also that if everyone gets a piece of 'birthday pie' you would need at least 4 pies, proceed to cut enough apples for 6, just in case.  Cut for most of the day, bake for most of the evening.

Receive package of meat in mail, (you didn't expect me to cook enough meat for a bazilion people did you?) and remember that you aren't suppoosed to be lifting heavy things.  Open box on porch and bring each piece of meat in one at a time. 

At the last second decide that you need to add enough non-meat items to a Texas-style BBQ in case everyone in a vegetarian.  

Be very happy that the last guests leave exactly 5 minutes before the shot and meds are scheuled.

Repeat as necessary to get through entire week 1.  Congratulations, halfway through!

Thanks everyone, for your support about the injection.  Turns out that H used a ginormous needle, instead of the nice delicate one I 'convinced' the clinic to let us use.  So the injection went in with a fire hose instead, so maybe the headache was from a super overdose of progesterone??  I don't know, but now H feels very relieved that he didn't 'kill our unborn children'.  His words, not mine.

d3p3dt, bad day

First of all, I woke up at 4am this morning with a splitting headache. I do not get headaches really, almost never, so one that woke me is concerning.

Also, last night during our progesterone shot, H mentioned that it all went it so much easier than normal and there was no blood. All apparently good things.

Except that when I checked the injection site, it was really low on my butt. Weird he has done this a bunch before so I didn't think we needed a refresher.

Then I realized that the only time I ever get headaches is after a cycle when my hormone levels come crashing down. So then I put it all together and realize that the progesterone went into the fat of my ass and not the muscle. So panic ensues.

We spoke to the fellow-on-call and the nurse and they each said it is probably alright but if this doesn't take I know H will blame himself completely.

d1p3dt

Today is the first full day of bed rest.  I am supposed to take it easy tomorrow as well, though this clinic is pretty lenient about this part.  I kind of agree, but am also so scared of losing whatever chance we have to actually get and stay pregnant. 

We had a grade 1, 8 cell embryo!  Seriously, they gave us a picture, I have never even seen one, nevermind one that came from us.  We also put in a grade 2 and 3, both 8 cells.  They were not supposed to put back 3 but i kinda pushed a little, due to the fact that this is the fifth IVF.  Dr was willing but made us both sign a paper stating that he explained that chance of triplets!  TRIPLETS, HA!  We can't seem to get one to take and he wants me to sign saying I understand the risk.

Like I understand it anyway, how can anyone even imagine the possibility of triplets when we have already had so many disappointments. 

I am trying to avoid anything that might affect my belly area at all, no coughing, no sneezing.  Seriously, I might be a nut, but whatever happens I want to be able to say that I did everything possible. 

I really hope at least one takes, two even.  Three would be daunting, but we would deal.

I am going to try to get H to scan the picture soon so I can post it.  He is already talking about trying to match the kid to the embryo when they are born.

God the fall from here would be absolutely devastating.  If this fails we will be destroyed.

Please work, grow embryos, grow.