Surprise

Got my latest HCG reading this week.  I had my D&E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that.  My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30.  I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today.  I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test.  I haven't had a period yet, and they don't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it. 

I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies.  Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue.  I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood. 

I don't know how I feel on the whole subject.  I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days.  I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile.  I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days.  It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light.  It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself.  I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens, but it takes a great picture with my little point-and-shoot.

I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy.  It isn't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend's baby that broke my heart.  He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant' provide that to him.  I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad. 

I had my previous D&C last year exactly at this time, and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant.  We boycotted the whole thing this year.  No tree, no decorations, no joy.  Minimal presents to everyone.  So far, not really my favorite time of the year.