Thanksgiving

Wow, having 17 people in your house all at once is distracting!  At least I didn't sit and stew about what my numbers were. 

Of course I did that all morning today.  Bloods at 7am and 5 hours of working while I am so distracted that I can't focus.  And then they call and somehow my phone doesn't ring, it goes straight to voicemail.  I am sitting here, right next to the phone and all of a sudden I get a 'beep'.  Thank God the nurses now know me and leave all my numbers and info on the voicemail otherwise I call back and ask a million questions.

Today b-hCG is 1208 and progesterone is 224.  The woman says anything over 30 is good.  That sounds high, but there are no complaints if everything is working!

Now, another whole week of waiting before an ultrasound and visit the Dr.  I am starting to feel better about this.  The nurses say that after next weeks US I am allowed to start feeling excited and if I want to begin telling people.  I don't know if I want to keep this private a little longer, just in case.  What if something bad happens and I have already told everyone I know?  That seems like a bad thing.  A bad thing that I don't know if I can truly handle.

So far I haven't really had any symptoms, other than an increased sensitivity to smell.  It isn't necessarily a bad sensitivity.  The smells aren't making me sick or anything, just an irritation.  I also have a little cold and whenever I have a cold I get increased sensitivity to smell, so I can't really blame this on pregnancy. 

My mind is now everywhere.  All the good things, all the possible bad things (and there are MANY!).  It is very exciting, but also really scary.  I am so confused as to how I should feel.  I don't know which direction I can turn

Thank Goodness!

On Nov 19 we had our first of the blood tests and b-hCG was 48! They asked me to come back in 48 hours to 'confirm' and I was 129.

That is a doubling time of 1.4 days, or 33.6 hours.

Nov 19-

b-hCG 48
Progesterone 287

Nov 21
b-hCG 129

I return on Nov 28, so hopefully things will continue well.

Tomorrow I have 17 people in my house for Thanksgiving. I am not ready to tell them, so this will be awkward.

More Fears...

I need to take Estrace twice a day every day until they tell me whether I am PG or not. I have been so good, even down to taking it within the same 30 minute window every day.

I fell asleep on the couch the other night and still woke myself up and took my pill.

Not last night, last night, I went to bed at a normal time, brushed my teeth, remembered the pill and just plain forgot to take it. What is wrong with me. All the shots, all the time, all the frustration and I forget the easiest part.

What if they tell me I am not pregnant?? Will it all be because I missed one dose of one little pill?? How can I do this without blaming myself constantly for not being successful???

My fears

I am lucky in some ways, I have a very good friend who knows about my fertility issues and is very supportive.  Some of the people in my office have gone through fertility treatment and they can help too.  These are people I wouldn't normally tell personal stuff to, but now it seems the rules are changed.  I am the kind of person who likes a friendly relationship in the office, but not too 'personal' until I get to know you MUCH better, and for most of my co-workers that might mean never.

I don't mean this in a mean way.  Just that I don't feel comfortable when someone I barely know if going on and on about her boyfriend/health issues/family problems.  I feel like that is private and should be shared with people you know will be supportive and not judgemental.

Anyway, because of my fertility problem my acceptable level of 'personal information' has changed. 

Now, because I know of a few women in my office with the same problems, I have a support group there that I wouldn't have expected. 

Here's the problem.  I feel I can' t talk about this with my family.  I have family members that I would normally talk about personal difficulties but I can't talk to them about this. 

I don't want to see the pity, the sympathy.  The question in their face every time I see them, "Are you??".   It is supposed to be my secret, mine and my husband's until we are ready to tell people.  Not a question every 5 minutes. 

Does that make me selfish?

I guess I should start with an update, as to where I and my husband stand on our search for a family. 

We are presently on our third course of IVF.  Obviously the first two were raging failures, and the latest is mid-course so I am not supposed to make predictions.  They only cause severe levels of depression. 

The first IVF cycle, the dr retrieved 18 follicles.  I thought I couldn't be any prouder.  Of course 10 minutes later the woman in the next bed was crying in pain after retrieving 24.  Still 18 meant I was a trooper, I was going to produce so many embryos that I would be able to just implant them and have as many kids as we could handle.  Then we found out that there were only 10 mature, and 9 of those fertilized. 

That was a disappointment, but seriously, who wants 9 kids?  I was still doing so well that I knew this was going to be easy.  On a relative sense of course, IVF isn't easy, injecting every day, all the hormones, all the disruption, but still.

Then, Day 3-implant, dr recommends only implanting 2, don't want to risk multiples, etc.  But he points out that none of the embryos are looking great.  Several have already stopped growing and most have severe fragmentation. 

Two go in, none survive to Day 5 for freezing. 

14 days later, as my period is already starting, I am still supposed to go to get a blood test.  I explain, in tears, that I don't need a blood test and they try to explain that "You never know, you can bleed and be pregnant".

Oh, I forgot to mention, I started a brand new job the week before retrieval.  Of course, I never told anyone what I was doing, that was private.

So, I am on Day 28/Day 1 of new cycle and I get 'the phone call' at work, and of course I break down.  I have been working with these people for a total of 3 weeks, one of which I took off because my center recommends 4 days bed rest, and I am hysterical in an empty office. 

Let's just say, that didn't go well. 

The next course was several months later, because now I am trying to get into a new job and just deal with the emotional difficulty of going through IVF. 

This time we are trying an expedited cycle, only 1 month instead of starting in the previous cycle.  This sounds wonderful to me.  More injections, twice a day but all in 14 days (or less depending on my cycle). 

Retrieval = 16 follicles, 9 mature I think 6-7 fertilize.  I don't hold out much hope and I am rewarding with the same condolence phone call. 

And now, the most recent (present) IVF. 

I go back to using the normal cycle, with increased follistim.  I got a better response using the normal cycle, so even though that takes 2 cycles to do, that is what the dr recommends. 

I get 22 follicles, 12 mature and 9 fertilize.  H says that sounds like a record and the dr explains that actually 67 was the record.  I don't think I want the record.

We implant on Day 2 instead of 3 to test if maybe my body can help grow the embryos better than a petri dish. 

Still, now we implanted 3, each of which is a 5-cell on Day 2. 

Of the other 6 (on Day 3):

1 stopped growing immediately
1was a 2-cell
1 was a 4-cell
2 were 6-cells
1 was 8 cells

Each of them showed some signs of fragmentation.  They did not think there was much chance of any surviving to freeze.

I am still waiting for the blood test.  That is 5 more days away. 

Well, I think that is the catch-up. 

This is just the beginning.

This blog is to document and discuss my infertility and the ramifications on the rest of my life.