Surprise

Got my latest HCG reading this week.  I had my D&E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that.  My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30.  I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today.  I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test.  I haven't had a period yet, and they don't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it. 

I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies.  Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue.  I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood. 

I don't know how I feel on the whole subject.  I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days.  I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile.  I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days.  It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light.  It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself.  I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens, but it takes a great picture with my little point-and-shoot.

I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy.  It isn't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend's baby that broke my heart.  He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant' provide that to him.  I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad. 

I had my previous D&C last year exactly at this time, and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant.  We boycotted the whole thing this year.  No tree, no decorations, no joy.  Minimal presents to everyone.  So far, not really my favorite time of the year.

Tormenting myself

Shopping today for presents, I spent hours in stores just walking around.  Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections.  I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms, and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes.  It was sad and difficult. 

The worst part was that I haven't been feeling too bad.  I have been a little crampy but not horrible, so I thought physically I was doing well.  After a couple of hours in the store, I felt horrible.  Hot, sweaty, nausea, cramping.  I had to sit down in the aisle for a while.  I always have a book with me, so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while.  I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon. 

I can't bear to wrap the presents yet.  I can't really stand to look at them yet.  I will try again this weekend.  I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week, though we haven't done anything for our card list yet, so that might be an enthusiastic goal. 

I vetoed a tree this year.  I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree, usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold.  We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2' off the top.  And it still barely made it in the room.  This year, I can't bear it.  I don't want any of that stuff in my house.  I don't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this.  If we had a child, of course I would pull myself together but we don't so why should I have to fake it in my own house.

Time to think about other people...

We have a friend with a health problem.  He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected.  He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned.  If you pray, please do, or just send good thoughts his way. 

D&E not D&C

So my D&C became a D&E which uses vacuum instead of cutting.  Apparently this is supposed to be a little easier on my body.  In respect to the procedure, it seems to have been. 

I do love my clinic, the only downside is that they are so busy that we were away from home for over 8 hours yesterday.  We left at 10am for a 12:30 procedure which didn't get started until 2:30pm.  I guess I was in the room for about 15 minutes total and spent the rest of the afternoon 'recuperating'.  I was a bit lightheaded but not really feeling much pain.

Last night was painful and crampy but not so much that pain killers were necessary.  Just uncomfortable. 

I guess now is just the recovery time.  Physically my body isn't bad.  I have a little extra weight, but nothing unusual for a cycle.  Everything that started to change due to pregnancy has already returned to normal.  I just have to deal with the mental baggage now.  I feel like this was all a dream, that I never really got pregnant.  Like it was all a delusion.  There is no proof that there was a child involved at all. 

The doctor sent the tissue for testing to determine if there was a chromosomal issue, but asked if we want the tissue returned to us afterward.  Both H and I were in quick agreement, NO.  Thank you, but no.  I can't imagine bringing the tissue home for a 'burial'.  That is not the kind of closure that I need in this case.

Again, thanks to everyone for their thoughts and good wishes.  So far things seem ok, and H is already talking about the next cycle.  I am not ready to discuss that yet, but I guess we will see.

Thank You so much

Thank you all for all your support.  You have been wonderful, and I truly appreciate it. 

We are really hanging in there this weekend.  I have not been feeling well today, and can't wait until Monday.  I just want this to be over so I can begin to heal, mentally and physically. 

I just can't believe that we are going to have to go through all this again.  I keep feeling like this is a horrible joke that I will eventually wake up from.  I keep going to sleep hoping that things will change, but they never do. 

Again, thank you for your kind words.