This month has been an exciting one. We have moved house. You have gotten your first set of vaccinations. We have joined a new playgroup with other babies your age.
You are now 12 lbs. You are such a big beautiful boy. You still love to sleep on mama as often as you can. You are incredibly alert. Your eyes are always looking for something interesting. I feel like I don't do enough to stimulate you, but I am concerned about over-stimulating you too. I want you to be interested in the world, but not hyper-active with no attention span. So far you are amazing, you can play on your gym mat staring at the animals for several minutes at a time. Your legs are kicking the whole time you are checking out the rattle-ring overhead.
You cry infrequently. You are generally a happy baby. You holler for food very often, some days every hour. You cry when you are sleepy, but can't calm yourself to sleep. Otherwise you are pretty calm. You fuss when you are bored or lonely, but if you are held you are quiet as a mouse. You love to be cuddled and held and hate to be left alone. You still don't like to sleep by yourself which we are starting to work on.
You have gotten so big over the last few weeks. You are almost always hungry and some days we can see your head grow. Your eyelashes are getting so long and your hands are so much bigger than when you were born.
You amaze me every day. I can just sit for hours and stare at you. Even when I should be sleeping. We are both still only getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, which is definitely difficult, but amazingly worth it.
It took us over three years and 6 IVF cycles to find you but you are so worth it. I look back on that time and see how angry and sad I was. I can still feel the pain, but it is like a memory of the pain. Sometimes in our playgroup I will 'complain' about how tired I am or how hard it can be, but I am playacting. I am tired, and there are hard things, but after all the stress and anxiety of infertility to get here, this is nothing. I complain because all the mothers do and I want to fit in. I want them to believe we are just a normal family with the normal issues, and we are, but I don't begrudge you any of the exhaustion. I am amazed at how much I enjoy being tired, being confused about how to keep you interested, learning how to help you sleep/eat/play.
My OB was considered a high risk practice. A friend made a comment that she felt it was dumb that I felt the need to go to a high risk practice 'just because it was difficult to get pregnant'. I was angry with her since my pregnancy with you was not always cake and ice cream, our hcg numbers didn't double as expected, I bled for 3.5 weeks, I was always in a panic that I would miscarry again. Then I realized that while I told her about our difficulties getting pregnant I never once told her about any issues while I was pregnant. I was so happy to get to each new stage of my pregnancy. I only cared about getting to the next week, getting the next ultrasound, seeing your tiny heart beat steadily at 140 bpm.
I didn't complain because I didn't feel like I had anything to complain about. I was finally pregnant, it was relatively uneventful, I got a beautiful son.
I know there are people who are still upset about infertility and I am sure that when/if we need to go back to the doctor to begin again it will be difficult. It will be difficult, but different. I would like a larger family, but if I never have any more children I can look at you and say that I am happy with what I have received.
I look at you with wonder and amazement. I can't believe how much love I can feel for one tiny little human. I want to protect and love you and show you the world.