Did I mention I am in love?

5 Months

Sebastian

You turned 5 months old this weekend. We spent the day in the city with Daddy and had a wonderful time. You are getting so funny. You giggle all the time and always smile when you wake up for the day.

You are getting so dexterous with your hands. You can pick up a pacifier and place it in your mouth, though not always the correct direction.

I didn't realize how much I would love you. Some days I look at your chubby little face and feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is tickle your belly and hear that belly laugh. Your smiles and giggles are the most amazing part of my day.

I am going back to work. I need to go to work, but it is killing me that I will have to leave you. I know it is better for me to work, but that doesn't mean I am not going to miss you terribly. We have found an incredible au pair for you though and I think you are going to love her. I just don't want you to love her more than you love me.

You are sleeping now, and have been sleepy all day. The last several days have been very overwhelming for you. We have seen lots of friends and stayed out well past your bedtime. Even though I know you need your sleep, all I want to do it pick you up and hold you. I just want to hug you and cuddle you.

Today was the real decision to go back to work. I won't be going back for a few more weeks, but still the actual decision has been put in place. If I don't go back now I will really hurt myself in ever getting another job.

I took the cutest video of you today. You were asking for your mobile and when it was turned on you were so excited. I will add the video when I download it. Your hands and feet started flailing about with the music. Your mobiles make you so happy. I didn't expect you to enjoy them, but you do.

You are a wonderful, sweet, beautiful baby and mommy loves you very much.

Love you forever,
Mommy

Mother's Day

My very first mother's day was, a bit anticlimactic.

It was a nice calm day and the baby behaved beautifully, so that was good.

A good friend bought me flowers and a card specific for 'first mom's day'. That was incredibly thoughtful.

My mom got me a gift certificate to a store I don't really shop at that is closer to her house than mine. And my sister never called at all.

I told my friend that I was a little disappointed in my mother. Her response was that no one even mentioned her first mother's day. Not her mother, father, HUSBAND! She thought I should be grateful that it was noted at all.

And now I am.

Trouble brewing

4 and 1/3 months

Honey-pie, pumpkin-pie, love-nugget, sweetness,

I am late for this months posting.  This months has been exciting and wonderful and a little busy.

We had to go to a funeral for a friend's mother and met some wonderful people.  We took care of a 2 year old for a couple of days while her parents thought they would be having her brother.  It is now a week later and still no baby brother. 

You have been so incredible this month.  You have started to pay attention to the book when we read.  You look at the pictures.  You only sit still for about 3 minutes but it is beautiful.  You are rolling around and can turn over, almost on demand.  You choose not to use your arms to turn over, instead you scooch your feet under your butt until it gets high enough to pull you over.  It is so funny.

Your 4-month appointment has you at 26 inches long (85%ile), 15lbs (55%) and 42 cm head circumference (50%). 

You have learned to scream, really using those lungs, to let me know how you really feel about having to wait an extra 6 minutes to eat.  You are displeased.  I get that. 

You are a good napper now, which I never expected. 

You are starting rice cereal and you are sucking it down.  You will take 3 tablespoons of cereal with 3-5 ounces of milk and you are still looking for the spoon. 

I was a little sad when we started the feeding process.  You really love it and I am happy about that, but I thought we would just be breastfeeding for a while longer.  You still nurse, but you need me a little less.  That feels a little painful.  I knew it would happen but I expected it around college, not at 4 months.  You are napping now, and I miss you so much.

I am thinking about going back to work.  My boss and I spoke this week and if I want to go back I need to make the decision soon.  I do want to work, but I don't want to leave you.  I feel like I am a little bit of a failure if I am not here with you, and also if I do not work and create something.  I don't know what I should do, I don't want to miss anything but I realize I can't have everything. 

You smile and laugh everytime you see daddy which he loves.  You look at him like he is wonderful and it is perfect to see. 

Love you forever,
mama

Rolling machine!!

Oh my!!  Now Sebastian can roll over in both directions from his belly!  And he has once gone from back to belly once!

I am so amazingly excited.  He has gone from belly to back 9 times in 24 hours.  It seems like 3 of them were to the left and the rest to the right. 

3 and 2/3 months?

Guess what my little man did today!!  He rolled over from his belly to his back.  All by himself.  Then I put him back to try to video it for daddy and that is where the screaming began.

Oh well, it was so cool though. 

Au Pair

This week has been interesting.  I have planned to post several times.  Each time I think I am ready to post something else occurs and throws me for another loop.

We were so excited last week.  We had been having trouble trying to find an au pair.  We have been looking on and off for several months.  I have been planning to go back to work at some point though I do not have a specific date.  I had been a contractor at my last position but had been hoping to be hired as a full time person.  So far that hasn't occurred.  Of course that means that I don't know what I will do for employment.  I am not 100% sure that I am ready to go back to work anyway.  I want to work but maybe not full time?  The confusion is not clearing up yet.  I am still so tired from not sleeping that I don't even know how to make a decision yet.

The baby has been getting better about sleeping during the night.  He was sleeping from around 8pm till 3 or 4 am.  That 4am has been inching up again and now we are somewhere between 12:30 and 2am.  If I don't go to sleep until around 11 that doesn't leave a very big chunk of time for me.  Also once he wakes up he feeds every hour or 2.  I don't mind, but I am so tired that I am a little fuzzy-brained and maybe not the best decision maker around.

We have been searching for an au pair and not having a lot of luck.  The ones we have liked have not been interested in living so far away from the city.  Finally our coordinator told us about a woman who was not far.  She had been with 2 other families that didn't work out, but the coordinator did not feel that these were necessarily the au pairs fault.  We spoke to her and she seemed very nice.  We also spoke with the family that she was staying with.  This was a different family than the ones she had been with, they were the family of another au pair that allowed her to stay with them.  The mother also didn't feel the girl was at fault, apparently the first family had some issue with domestic violence or something and the girl didn't want to stay there.  Then the next family apparently didn't respect her time and yelled at her a lot. 

The girl is very quiet and apparently the second family have strong personalities.  All this seemed reasonable to us.  So we agreed that she could come join us for a temporary position and then see how things worked out.  The first several days seemed fine, she got along well with the baby and she was very responsive to his needs.  We seemed to get along well also.

Then on Thursday she started crying after dinner.  She said she felt that we didn't like her, that she wasn't good with the baby.  That people were looking at her.  That we talked about her.  It was so weird.  I was floored.  I asked H to come join our conversation because I didn't feel we were communicating.  We talked and never felt that we truly cleared things up.  We tried to explain that until that moment we had been pleased with how things had been going. 

Friday I asked her how she felt, she said fine, but she seemed tense.  I chalked it up to stress after a difficult evening.  I left her a car and took the baby to playgroup.  The next morning she said she wanted to go home to Thailand.  I was shocked but I said fine, of course.  We were out all day and again on Sunday. 

When we finally came home we found that she was gone.  She had packed up and left.  We have no idea where she went. 

I was so upset.  So disappointed.  I can't believe that she would leave the baby.  How could she care for my son for a week and just leave him like that?  I just can't understand it at all.

Giggle King

I finally got giggles!  I am going to have to figure out how to tape them.

3 Months

Dear Sebastian

You turned 3 months old yesterday.  I look at you in amazement.  You have gotten so big and heavy that everyday I think you cannot get any bigger.  You seem to be around 16 lbs now and we saw your friend Eliot yesterday who weighs 13 and is 3 weeks younger.  He felt so light to me. 

You are a big boy, and usually happy.  Except for yesterday when I tried to surprise daddy with a photo from babies r us.  You wouldn't sit still, smile, or even look at the nice woman with the camera.  Next time we will have to bring daddy since he is the only one who can consistently make you smile.

You have just started to laugh too.  Again daddy is the only one you will do it for consistently but I love the sound.  It is so amazingly funny.

You grabbed your pacifier for the first time just a couple of days ago.  You still can't put it in or near your mouth, but you did grab it and pick it up.

I can't help but love you.

I have laryngitis today so our time together has been very quiet, which confuses you, I hope to have my voice back soon so we can start to play and read again.

Love, Mommy

Favorite Pic

go to flickr
At least right this second.

Sleeping

We are desperately attempting to teach Sebastian how to sleep, preferably on his own, but certainly for a relatively long period of time. 

This has been going on for about a week.  Generally he only sleeps when he is lying on top of someone.  If he does get put down he usually wakes up within 5 minutes.  This makes accomplishing anything a bit difficult.  It is like he is lonely and likes to be held or nearby someone.  That someone can really be anyone, but is usually me. 

For the last week we have been attempting to add a 'routine' into his evening so he knows that it is bedtime and sleep in his own crib.  The first night was amazingly painful, for everyone, he howled and cried for ever.  We kept going in and rubbing his back, occasionally picking him up and generally trying to reassure him.  The second night was so much easier.  I thought we were doing great.  He was starting to understand what to do and he was ok with the crib.  HA.

The next night we had SIL, BIL, and nephew over and Sebastian didn't sleep much during the day at all.  Then the night came and the misery started.  He would calm down, he wouldn't relax at all.  I nursed him several times trying to get him calm enough to fall asleep and he would eat, then scream again.  We all took turns trying to calm him and hours later, he finally fell asleep.  The next day he slept almost the whole day.  He napped from noon to 7pm with only short alert breaks for nursing.

We have had different amounts of luck over the next few nights, then tonight, I fed him, placed him in the crib, and rubbed his back for a minute.  He is asleep now, calm and beautiful. 

Lets hope he stays down and this is the beginning of a new trend. 

Two Months

This month has been an exciting one.  We have moved house.  You have gotten your first set of vaccinations.  We have joined a new playgroup with other babies your age. 

You are now 12 lbs.  You are such a big beautiful boy.  You still love to sleep on mama as often as you can.  You are incredibly alert.  Your eyes are always looking for something interesting.  I feel like I don't do enough to stimulate you, but I am concerned about over-stimulating you too.  I want you to be interested in the world, but not hyper-active with no attention span.  So far you are amazing, you can play on your gym mat staring at the animals for several minutes at a time.  Your legs are kicking the whole time you are checking out the rattle-ring overhead. 

You cry infrequently.  You are generally a happy baby.  You holler for food very often, some days every hour.  You cry when you are sleepy, but can't calm yourself to sleep.  Otherwise you are pretty calm.  You fuss when you are bored or lonely, but if you are held you are quiet as a mouse.  You love to be cuddled and held and hate to be left alone.  You still don't like to sleep by yourself which we are starting to work on. 

You have gotten so big over the last few weeks.  You are almost always hungry and some days we can see your head grow.  Your eyelashes are getting so long and your hands are so much bigger than when you were born.

You amaze me every day.  I can just sit for hours and stare at you.  Even when I should be sleeping.  We are both still only getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, which is definitely difficult, but amazingly worth it.

It took us over three years and 6 IVF cycles to find you but you are so worth it.  I look back on that time and see how angry and sad I was.  I can still feel the pain, but it is like a memory of the pain.  Sometimes in our playgroup I will 'complain' about how tired I am or how hard it can be, but I am playacting.  I am tired, and there are hard things, but after all the stress and anxiety of infertility to get here, this is nothing.  I complain because all the mothers do and I want to fit in.  I want them to believe we are just a normal family with the normal issues, and we are, but I don't begrudge you any of the exhaustion.  I am amazed at how much I enjoy being tired, being confused about how to keep you interested, learning how to help you sleep/eat/play. 

My OB was considered a high risk practice.  A friend made a comment that she felt it was dumb that I felt the need to go to a high risk practice 'just because it was difficult to get pregnant'.  I was angry with her since my pregnancy with you was not always cake and ice cream, our hcg numbers didn't double as expected, I bled for 3.5 weeks, I was always in a panic that I would miscarry again.  Then I realized that while I told her about our difficulties getting pregnant I never once told her about any issues while I was pregnant.  I was so happy to get to each new stage of my pregnancy.  I only cared about getting to the next week, getting the next ultrasound, seeing your tiny heart beat steadily at 140 bpm. 

I didn't complain because I didn't feel like I had anything to complain about.  I was finally pregnant, it was relatively uneventful, I got a beautiful son. 

I know there are people who are still upset about infertility and I am sure that when/if we need to go back to the doctor to begin again it will be difficult.  It will be difficult, but different.  I would like a larger family, but if I never have any more children I can look at you and say that I am happy with what I have received. 

I look at you with wonder and amazement.  I can't believe how much love I can feel for one tiny little human.  I want to protect and love you and show you the world. 

Favorite things

One of my favorite things about having a child.  When he is a little fussy and fidgety (sp?), I sometimes can pick him up and he just settles right into my shoulder.  He just breathes out and calms down immediately, almost asleep as soon as his head touches my neck.  It is a wonderful feeling, right before the big, wet fart that rumbles against the hand holding his butt.

6w2d, changes

Sebastian is changing so much this week.  He is now alert for much longer, which is bad for my napping schedule, but cool to watch.

He actually fell asleep on his activity mat today for about 5 minutes, maybe 8 minutes.  This is a huge step.  He hasn't slept on his back yet, until this morning.  He also slept in his car seat, on the floor for almost 2 hours yesterday.  That was amazing.  I didn't get much done since I just kept waiting for him to stir and end the nap.  Every other day had been either a 3 minute nap, or a long nap that he had to be held throughout.

I had my 6 week appointment on Monday and all went well.  It was funny though, I am really bad about any sort of gyno stuff.  I get anxious every time they go to do a pap that I tense up and make it that much more uncomfortable and difficult.  Still it has to be done and apparently had to be done on Monday.  The nurse said that if I thought it would help she would put the baby on my chest during the exam as a distraction.  He was calm so I didn't want to disturb him. 

As soon as she put the speculum in and I tensed up, he started screaming.  He continued crying the entire exam and calmed as soon as the exam was over.  I know he probably had a burp or something that irritated him, but it felt nice that he seemed to sympathize with me.  The nurse commented that he was 'in tune' with my feelings.  Sure, and the fart that was building in his butt.

Still, he is wonderful and beautiful. 

One Month

My beautiful baby boy turned one month old yesterday.  It has been an exciting, exhausting month for everyone. 

I love his mouth, his cheeks, all his chins, and even all the rolls on his neck.  He is such a good boy for mommy.  He isn't the best sleeper yet, but any fussing can be solved by a hug from mommy. 

When he is sleeping he is beautiful and so sweet.  When he is awake he is alert and attentive.  He stares at everything right now. 

Once in a while it almost looks like we are getting a smile, but he often smiles in his sleep.  I would love to know what he dreams about.  (I would guess poop and the boob).

I love this new little being so much.  I fear every minute that something might hurt him.  Every gurgle and cough needs to be checked to make sure he continues breathing.  I worry that I will fail him somehow, yet all I want to do is give him everything he wants.

I will try to update with some pictures later if I can get a nap myself. 

Although, something cool...

At 5:26am this morning, my son learned to focus on our faces and follow our motion.  It was so incredibly cool.

Noon would have also been cool, but I guess we can't ask for everything.

Longest nap yet

The last several days have been ones of eating on one side, falling asleep for 10 minutes or less, then feeding on the other side.  Repeat in 1 hour or less. 

Finally today he slept for several hours, only as long as he was kept in the Baby Bjorn.  He won't sleep if he is not attached to a human.  He will not sleep on the floor, in the bassinet, anywhere.

And, no, I didn't sleep with him.  That would have been too easy.  I did finally get to eat an entire meal though.

This is going to take a while.

Babies...

...eventually sleep, right?

For longer than 45 minutes?

Please?

2 week birthday (new years eve), birth story

Ok, I understand that I am supposed to be tired.  Everyone told me I would be tired, I accept that.  What I am having trouble with is the level of bone-aching tiredness that has been the last week.  This weekend has finally started to get better and I am now truly up and about so I think (hope) that we are on an upswing.

Anyway, lets start at the beginning.

I had a lot of reasons for wanting a c-section.  I have a real anxiety about labor.  I have a deep-seated fear that I will freak out during labor and make the entire experience much worse that it has to be.  I had spoken to my dr about this and asked that some sort of calming agent be available.  He said that was perfectly acceptable but that since I was so open about talking about my anxiety and fears he didn't really believe that I had much of a problem.  He felt that those with the real issues are those who deny there is a problem, or don't recognize when they are in the throws of an anxiety attack.  H was sitting with me during this appointment and he made a face at me like, "He doesn't really know you very well".

Another reason for a c-section, I have had two miscarriages.  In each of these, nothing happened.  I never started bleeding, I never felt any cramps, nothing.  I had a real concern that my body wouldn't really know how to go into labor. 

Oh, and I didn't want to have my baby on xmas.  That just seemed so unfair to him.

Anyway, my dr was fine with all my reasons and allowed us to schedule.  We were scheduled for 39w1d.  This put us at Dec 17, and if I went into labor naturally I would have just attempted to have a natural birth, but if I hadn't gone into labor by that date, we would have the c-section.  Having a plan, an end point, was so incredibly helpful.  It made everything fall into place.  We had all our xmas shopping and shipping done.  All the cards had been sent, an email list was created for the birth announcement.  I just felt like I had a level of control that I needed.

My appointment was scheduled for 12:30pm, things were running a little behind but nothing surprising.  My BIL is a resident at a different hospital, but he did tell me a few things to expect from the spinal which was really good.  I got the spinal and immediately started to feel nauseas and dizzy.  It was pretty horrible, apparently your blood pressure can drop which makes you feel this way.  As soon as I mentioned it, they started another medicine in the line which increases your blood pressure, it took about 5 full minutes to really work, which felt like forever, but once it did work I felt so much better. 

I could tell they were cutting, but not really where, it felt like they were cutting higher on my belly than where the scar actually is, so perhaps most of what I was feeling was the pressure from their hands and the retractors.  H got some video of the 'experience' but so far I have refused to watch it.  I guess he saw them pull out my intestines or something to get at the baby.  I didn't really get a lot of detail there. 

We were told that as long as things went well, they would remove the baby, show him to me, wipe him off and give him to me or H to hold while finishing up all the cleaning out and closing up.  Well, that isn't exactly what happened.  There was a sheet hung up between me and my belly so I couldn't see any bloodiness, and when they finally got the nugget out, the dr said 'Look up, look up look up, here is your son!"  He basically flashed the baby at me for barely a second and then immediately brought him to a table I couldn't see.  It was very quiet, at this point there was no baby crying. 

They had to suction his lungs and give him oxygen.  He wasn't really breathing and no one would tell us anything.  They let me see him again after a few minutes when he was a bit better, but he hadn't 'passed' the Apgar tests, so they brought him to the NICU for a half an hour.  As far as NICU visits go, a 30 minute visit is not bad.  I think they just wanted a bit of privacy and quiet to get a real sense of what kind of trouble he was having with breathing.  For the next day or so, he was still 'wheezy', which they call grunting, but if he was held upright the sound stopped. 

We basically kept him in our room the entire 4-day stay except for the first night.  They nurses wanted to keep him in the nursery to be able to listen to him breathe during the night.  They just wanted to make sure the fluid was clearing from his lungs.  We had agreed that we wanted to try breastfeeding.  I know that the milk doesn't come in right away but still the nugget was losing weight and quickly.  Each nurse had a different suggestion as to how to hold him, latch him, everything.  It was a little confusing but still everyone was very kind. 

He was born at 8lbs 8oz, and by the third day he was 7lb 8.6oz.  At this point, we were told to begin to add formula as my milk still hadn't come in.  We added 1/2-1 oz after each feeding.  We left the hospital on Friday afternoon and had our first pediatrician appointment on Saturday morning.  By this point, my milk had finally come in, and his weight had gone to 7lb 15.5oz.  Basically he had gained half a pound in about 30 hours.   We were told we could stop the formula and just breastfeed for the near future. 

By this point though, breastfeeding was so painful.  I was cut and bleeding and it was not a pleasant experience.  It is still getting better, but really there is still pain whenever he feeds. 

We are still going in for weigh-ins at the pediatrician's.  He is not gaining weight consistently yet.  I think the formula really put us in a weird situation.  He gained too much weight, too quickly and now we are trying to re-normalize what his weight gain really is.  Part of the problem might be that I wasn't able to eat very much for a few days.  He was feeding so frequently and for so long, that I never had the time to make food or eat anything.  Apparently this makes breastmilk be 'skim' since there isn't really anything spare to put in it, making him need to feed more frequently.  This got to be a brutal loop that we are trying very hard to break.

I lost 15 lbs while in the hospital, and another 5 in the next five days at home.  This seems a little quick to me, so I am trying to be more conscientious about my intake.

Things are starting to settle in a little bit.  He is a beautiful angel and becoming far more alert every day.  He slept every minute he wasn't eating at first but now he eats and then is alert for a little while before falling asleep.  He is already a little spoiled.  He does not like to be put down at all.  If he is not eating, he still wants to be held.  This makes showering and going to the bathroom a little complicated.  It is alright though.  He is totally worth it. 

His name is Sebastian, he is mommy's little angel.