I received 'the call' about our HCG levels while at a friend's home for the weekend. She just had a baby, her third and he was over 4 weeks early. Several of her friends hadn't been able to give her a shower before the baby's surprise arrival so they chose to do a 'welcome home' shower.
It was very nice of them and they kindly went around my schedule to let me be included.
I wanted to go, for my friend and to meet the people she talks about all the time, but I had hoped to be going with some better news under my belt.
Instead I sat in a room with 10 women all having a minimum of 2 kids. All talking about how easily they got pregnant, every detail about their children's lives. Blah blah blah.
All this while I had to sneak into the bathroom to shoot myself in the butt with progesterone. I would have called H to come get my if someone hadn't been anxiously awaiting the bathroom. More than once I looked around to try to figure out how I could sneak away without offending anyone, and I couldn't come up with anything!
I love my friend very much, and we had a very nice weekend with them, but the baby shower might have been a little too much for me.
Next up, travel to LA to visit my cousin and her first baby, ~6weeks old. Good timing all around.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Do I hear....?
...
I was looking for a 630, we had requests for 700, 800. So what do you think the final count is?
...
...
...
495
So that isn't looking good, and I still can't have a drink?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
15dp3dt
I finally got my HcG test today and the results are 315. It is much lower than the last time (which was a failure), so I am not sure exactly how I feel.
I go back on Saturday to find out if all is doubling and doing the right things. Saturday is the day I am more concerned about. That is the day they tell me if there is a chance for the pregnancy to be ectopic or failing.
Here's to 630 on Saturday.
I go back on Saturday to find out if all is doubling and doing the right things. Saturday is the day I am more concerned about. That is the day they tell me if there is a chance for the pregnancy to be ectopic or failing.
Here's to 630 on Saturday.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
13dp3dt
Damn, I forgot to pee on a stick this morning for another 48 hour comparison. I was thinking I was to test tomorrow, but that will be a 72 hour test, which is not as accurate to compare to the other sticks. Damn, damn, damn.
On the good front, the spotting has stopped. I spotted for a couple of days, and only strongly the first day. It never turned red, and the severe pain I was feeling has definitely subsided. I still get aches but the nurse swears that is from all the stim on the ovaries. I didn't mention the incredible level of constipation I have been going through, so I am hoping a good portion of the pain if from that. (I almost went in a way grosser direction for that sentence, you're welcome).
In our house we have become a bit obsessed with fiber. If you have never met my husband you can't understand how serious a statement 'obsessed' really is. He makes decisions and then goes crazy following them to see where they lead. For example, he felt he was too heavy in college, so he decided to go vegetarian. Not so unusual, right? Well, he didn't actually go vegetarian, what he did was go to a no-fat diet and call it vegetarian. He did lose quite a bit of weight over the 5+ years he did this diet.
I am a bit more, whatever, about things. I like to eat what I like to eat, I just prefer not to eat 10 lbs of it at a time. A bit of his obsessiveness has rubbed off on me, (a little!!) but right now we are on a crazy fiber kick. I am so constipated from all the meds and the pre-natal that I might explode. Thankfully we have 14g of fiber bagels, put a little peanut butter on those babies and don't stray far from a toilet. Also we have these breakfast bars that are 9g fiber, and poop-cicles (they are fudgecicles with fiber, what would you call them?) with 5g fiber each.
I have been an enthusiastic consumer from this shelf in the kitchen and NOTHING IS HELPING. I might actually die from this. Ok, so maybe a little melodrama, but seriously, is it normal to not be able to remember when you last pooped??
I will now leave the poop conversation. Please enjoy your regularly scheduled day.
On the good front, the spotting has stopped. I spotted for a couple of days, and only strongly the first day. It never turned red, and the severe pain I was feeling has definitely subsided. I still get aches but the nurse swears that is from all the stim on the ovaries. I didn't mention the incredible level of constipation I have been going through, so I am hoping a good portion of the pain if from that. (I almost went in a way grosser direction for that sentence, you're welcome).
In our house we have become a bit obsessed with fiber. If you have never met my husband you can't understand how serious a statement 'obsessed' really is. He makes decisions and then goes crazy following them to see where they lead. For example, he felt he was too heavy in college, so he decided to go vegetarian. Not so unusual, right? Well, he didn't actually go vegetarian, what he did was go to a no-fat diet and call it vegetarian. He did lose quite a bit of weight over the 5+ years he did this diet.
I am a bit more, whatever, about things. I like to eat what I like to eat, I just prefer not to eat 10 lbs of it at a time. A bit of his obsessiveness has rubbed off on me, (a little!!) but right now we are on a crazy fiber kick. I am so constipated from all the meds and the pre-natal that I might explode. Thankfully we have 14g of fiber bagels, put a little peanut butter on those babies and don't stray far from a toilet. Also we have these breakfast bars that are 9g fiber, and poop-cicles (they are fudgecicles with fiber, what would you call them?) with 5g fiber each.
I have been an enthusiastic consumer from this shelf in the kitchen and NOTHING IS HELPING. I might actually die from this. Ok, so maybe a little melodrama, but seriously, is it normal to not be able to remember when you last pooped??
I will now leave the poop conversation. Please enjoy your regularly scheduled day.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Book Tour #3, A Time Travelers Wife
Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/
You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.
Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?
When we first began the saga that is infertility treatment, I mentioned adoption. H was adamant that that wasn't an acceptable path. He just didn't want it, he wanted his own DNA passed on or nothing. I never cared one way or another. I would like to be a parent and family but I don't really care where the child comes from. Now that we have been through so many cycles and issues, H has finally accepted that adoption may be our only chance and he is getting to the point of knowing he would be able to care about an adopted child. He still is not ready to 'give up' on a DNA child though. I find the whole IVF process painful and exhausting, and, to be honest, not really worth it. I would love an adopted child or children. That is not an issue or concern, nor is passing on genes. But for H the genetic tie is so important that we continue down this path until someone tells us to go home.
Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?
I almost think it is unfair, but then I believe it is kindness. When you have a loss like a death of someone you love dearly, who wouldn't want to have been told, "We will see each other again, I promise". I mean some people have the faith that you will see those you love in the afterlife, but not all people have that. If you were told that your loss was not permanent, wouldn't that make the immediate loss a little easier to bear?
If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?
I read the book initially before treatment and then reread it for this tour. The first time, I don't think I paid much attention to the infertility storyline. I think I read it more for the scientific solution and the love story. This time through it was more impactful. I don't know that I would have been able to go through as many miscarriages as Clare goes through. I have had 2 and they were each horrible. Debilitating. And we don't get pregnant that easily so there is a lot of time for recovery between miscarriages. I can't imagine becoming pregnant with relative ease and then losing child after child after child. It is horrifying. Had I not had Clare's foreknowledge of a successful outcome, I don't believe I could have continued down that path.
The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?
I feel that Alba has such a strong nature that she is going to be ok. I feel like Clare and Henry have given her a good foundation to build upon and that she has a different understanding than Henry did growing up. It is like any kind of impediment that is embarrassing before being understood. If Henry were dyslexic and passed that on to Alba, when he was young he might have been tormented for being 'stupid' but as we now understand more people can be more understanding and helpful to this generation, so Alba doesn't have the same hangups that Henry has/had. I think Alba learned to control her gift more and more as she aged. Henry learned to predict when it would occur and know the triggers, Alba had more control than that even at a very early age. I would guess that would only improve with age and understanding. I would think that a 'cure' is unlikely. For many reasons, there are too few people to make solving the problem useful and as long as time travel doesn't seem to be damaging a person then non 'travelers' may not see the benefit of curing the 'problem'.
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/
You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.
Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?
When we first began the saga that is infertility treatment, I mentioned adoption. H was adamant that that wasn't an acceptable path. He just didn't want it, he wanted his own DNA passed on or nothing. I never cared one way or another. I would like to be a parent and family but I don't really care where the child comes from. Now that we have been through so many cycles and issues, H has finally accepted that adoption may be our only chance and he is getting to the point of knowing he would be able to care about an adopted child. He still is not ready to 'give up' on a DNA child though. I find the whole IVF process painful and exhausting, and, to be honest, not really worth it. I would love an adopted child or children. That is not an issue or concern, nor is passing on genes. But for H the genetic tie is so important that we continue down this path until someone tells us to go home.
Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?
I almost think it is unfair, but then I believe it is kindness. When you have a loss like a death of someone you love dearly, who wouldn't want to have been told, "We will see each other again, I promise". I mean some people have the faith that you will see those you love in the afterlife, but not all people have that. If you were told that your loss was not permanent, wouldn't that make the immediate loss a little easier to bear?
If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?
I read the book initially before treatment and then reread it for this tour. The first time, I don't think I paid much attention to the infertility storyline. I think I read it more for the scientific solution and the love story. This time through it was more impactful. I don't know that I would have been able to go through as many miscarriages as Clare goes through. I have had 2 and they were each horrible. Debilitating. And we don't get pregnant that easily so there is a lot of time for recovery between miscarriages. I can't imagine becoming pregnant with relative ease and then losing child after child after child. It is horrifying. Had I not had Clare's foreknowledge of a successful outcome, I don't believe I could have continued down that path.
The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?
I feel that Alba has such a strong nature that she is going to be ok. I feel like Clare and Henry have given her a good foundation to build upon and that she has a different understanding than Henry did growing up. It is like any kind of impediment that is embarrassing before being understood. If Henry were dyslexic and passed that on to Alba, when he was young he might have been tormented for being 'stupid' but as we now understand more people can be more understanding and helpful to this generation, so Alba doesn't have the same hangups that Henry has/had. I think Alba learned to control her gift more and more as she aged. Henry learned to predict when it would occur and know the triggers, Alba had more control than that even at a very early age. I would guess that would only improve with age and understanding. I would think that a 'cure' is unlikely. For many reasons, there are too few people to make solving the problem useful and as long as time travel doesn't seem to be damaging a person then non 'travelers' may not see the benefit of curing the 'problem'.
11dp3dt, and...
...first is the bleeding.
Then another stick, the line is darker.
Thanks for all the confusing signals.
Then another stick, the line is darker.
Thanks for all the confusing signals.
Friday, April 13, 2007
9dp3dt, Willpower = nil
Today was the day. I knew I wasn't going to be able to wait any longer, nor did I really want to. I knew that if it was negative, I could convince myself it was too early and if it was positive I would be content for a few days.
There was the peeing, the dipping, the waiting, and...... nothing. No line.
Unless you looked really really closely. Like by the 'light of a thousand suns', don't know what blog I read that on, but it is helpful.
The faintest little pink line, next to this horrid glaring pink line. So I bring it back to bed and make H look at it. He sees nothing either, certainly without a lot of prompting from me. Finally he agrees there is the faintest second line, but he doesn't really believe that it is real or an indication of pregnancy.
I don't care, right now I feel certain I am pregnant. How long I will be pregnant is completely not the point, just that I know I am, right now.
I will test again in 2 days and let you know. I will be very sad if the line stays the same or is lighter.
There was the peeing, the dipping, the waiting, and...... nothing. No line.
Unless you looked really really closely. Like by the 'light of a thousand suns', don't know what blog I read that on, but it is helpful.
The faintest little pink line, next to this horrid glaring pink line. So I bring it back to bed and make H look at it. He sees nothing either, certainly without a lot of prompting from me. Finally he agrees there is the faintest second line, but he doesn't really believe that it is real or an indication of pregnancy.
I don't care, right now I feel certain I am pregnant. How long I will be pregnant is completely not the point, just that I know I am, right now.
I will test again in 2 days and let you know. I will be very sad if the line stays the same or is lighter.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I swore this time would be different (6dp3dt)
I truly did. I really held myself back so as to not have the crushing defeat of loss. Then I got caught up in the fact that we had good numbers and a reason for the last failure.
So now I have been cruising along with all this hope in my heart and realizing that if this is another failure I might be destroyed. The only 'symptom' I have been having is a little blood when I blow my nose. I never have a bloody nose except right after transfer so it correlates with 'pregnancy' symptoms. I have not felt bad, super tired, or gained any weight. In fact I have lost a couple pounds since the retrieval, which doesn't sound like a good sign.
Each of the other times I got pregnant I felt incredibly tired and starving all the time. I don't know when it kicked it but I do remember having it before the pregnancy test so I would expect it to be now or at least soon. When is it too early to POAS?? I am desperately ready to do it now, but I might lose it if I get a negative. I think it might be a little early for any sign, though a stick should be able to give me some info in the next day or so right??
I have the 'test 5 days early' sticks so in theory, I should be able to POAS by tomorrow for a sign. H is counseling me not to test, which I know is the right answer, but I will need to be prepared before I have my blood test. I will need to have some idea of the answer soon or I might make myself insane.
I have 3 sticks on hand, you know, just in case. Maybe I will tempt fate and try one tomorrow.
So now I have been cruising along with all this hope in my heart and realizing that if this is another failure I might be destroyed. The only 'symptom' I have been having is a little blood when I blow my nose. I never have a bloody nose except right after transfer so it correlates with 'pregnancy' symptoms. I have not felt bad, super tired, or gained any weight. In fact I have lost a couple pounds since the retrieval, which doesn't sound like a good sign.
Each of the other times I got pregnant I felt incredibly tired and starving all the time. I don't know when it kicked it but I do remember having it before the pregnancy test so I would expect it to be now or at least soon. When is it too early to POAS?? I am desperately ready to do it now, but I might lose it if I get a negative. I think it might be a little early for any sign, though a stick should be able to give me some info in the next day or so right??
I have the 'test 5 days early' sticks so in theory, I should be able to POAS by tomorrow for a sign. H is counseling me not to test, which I know is the right answer, but I will need to be prepared before I have my blood test. I will need to have some idea of the answer soon or I might make myself insane.
I have 3 sticks on hand, you know, just in case. Maybe I will tempt fate and try one tomorrow.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
4dp3dt IVF#6
The transfer went well and, for us, the numbers were encouraging. We had 15 follicles, all of which were mature though only 9 fertilized. I think that might be a record number of fertilization for us though. We have had many more follicles before but used to have 50% mature and then another 60% fertilization rate. So this new protocol is much improved. I can tell you our protocol if anyone is interested.
Anyway, of the 9, 2 were 8 cell 1 rating. Our clinic uses a 0 as perfect/no degradation and goes up to 4 for highly fragmented/poor, so a 1 is very good/minimal fragmentation. There was also a 10 cell 1 rating. Each of these was assisted hatched and put in. Two others were a 6 and 7, and they were either 1 or 2. The clinic thought they had a chance to be frozen but we never got a call so I assume that that didn't happen. Really I am not disappointed. I would have liked to be able to freeze but we have never even had results this good before, so I am not going to be greedy.
The other 4 were all scheduled for destruction. Mostly they had stopped growing after the first day and were just going to be used for testing, so at least I feel like something good might come from them.
For me, this 2ww is the best part. I am anxious, but the only news we can get is either good or bad, but not devastating. I mean, if we get a negative, it will be very sad, but it won't be a death. If we get a positive beta and then lose it (again) then I don't know if I can take it. Another death (I know, miscarriage is the 'more appropriate' term, but that isn't what it feels like) could really just set me over the edge.
Right now, my life is moving in a good direction. I have found a few things to do with my time that I am really looking forward too, my job search is (hopefully) coming to an end (seriously if it isn't I am about to just toss in the towel and work at a bookstore for the discount) and this has been our best cycle yet. If any of these precariously perched items falls then I might just lose it. I am trying to build strength into my life so that if one thing fails it doesn't destroy me, but it has been hard with everything being 'imperfect' right now.
Anyway, of the 9, 2 were 8 cell 1 rating. Our clinic uses a 0 as perfect/no degradation and goes up to 4 for highly fragmented/poor, so a 1 is very good/minimal fragmentation. There was also a 10 cell 1 rating. Each of these was assisted hatched and put in. Two others were a 6 and 7, and they were either 1 or 2. The clinic thought they had a chance to be frozen but we never got a call so I assume that that didn't happen. Really I am not disappointed. I would have liked to be able to freeze but we have never even had results this good before, so I am not going to be greedy.
The other 4 were all scheduled for destruction. Mostly they had stopped growing after the first day and were just going to be used for testing, so at least I feel like something good might come from them.
For me, this 2ww is the best part. I am anxious, but the only news we can get is either good or bad, but not devastating. I mean, if we get a negative, it will be very sad, but it won't be a death. If we get a positive beta and then lose it (again) then I don't know if I can take it. Another death (I know, miscarriage is the 'more appropriate' term, but that isn't what it feels like) could really just set me over the edge.
Right now, my life is moving in a good direction. I have found a few things to do with my time that I am really looking forward too, my job search is (hopefully) coming to an end (seriously if it isn't I am about to just toss in the towel and work at a bookstore for the discount) and this has been our best cycle yet. If any of these precariously perched items falls then I might just lose it. I am trying to build strength into my life so that if one thing fails it doesn't destroy me, but it has been hard with everything being 'imperfect' right now.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
17 hours till 3 day transfer
Retrieval went well the other day, even with the whole April Fool's issue. We got 15 follicles and 9 fertilized. I don't know how many were mature, but that percentage for fertilization is pretty good (for us). I don't know anything further about quality or how many to implant, but I will know more tomorrow.
Acupuncture first thing, transfer, acu again, then home to hang out on the couch for the next few days.
Not a very exciting update, but if you want a fun roller-coaster then I will have to update about my job search. Fun Fun Fun. Ugh.
Acupuncture first thing, transfer, acu again, then home to hang out on the couch for the next few days.
Not a very exciting update, but if you want a fun roller-coaster then I will have to update about my job search. Fun Fun Fun. Ugh.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Is this a joke?
Back again this morning. Had the nicest wand jockey ever. He was very gentle, especially considering the fact that I am achy and crampy. I got 'good' results. Now there are 9 follicles on the right and 3 on the left still. The 9 are 27 to 36 mm^2, the ones on the left are a bit smaller.
They want me to go ANOTHER DAY. Seriously, I am going to burst. I have never had to stim this long before. I 'planned' everything out so that I wouldn't have a procedure on April Fool's Day. I had it all worked out so I would have my retrieval on Thursday or Friday and transfer on Monday/Tuesday.
Then they had my stay on another day, so I was pushed to Saturday still OK. Then they told me that I was to go another day. Seriously I am going to pop and I am running out of meds.
And we are pushed to a SUNDAY, APRIL FOOLS RETRIEVAL. Is this a total joke? I don't get it. No two cycles have been the same. Of course we haven't had the final result we were hoping for, so maybe that is alright.
So what joke are you planning for April Fool's Day??
They want me to go ANOTHER DAY. Seriously, I am going to burst. I have never had to stim this long before. I 'planned' everything out so that I wouldn't have a procedure on April Fool's Day. I had it all worked out so I would have my retrieval on Thursday or Friday and transfer on Monday/Tuesday.
Then they had my stay on another day, so I was pushed to Saturday still OK. Then they told me that I was to go another day. Seriously I am going to pop and I am running out of meds.
And we are pushed to a SUNDAY, APRIL FOOLS RETRIEVAL. Is this a total joke? I don't get it. No two cycles have been the same. Of course we haven't had the final result we were hoping for, so maybe that is alright.
So what joke are you planning for April Fool's Day??
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Do I have nothing to say??
It seems like I have nothing to say. I haven't been posting frequently which is sad, because I have so much going on in my brain right now. There has been so much going on, but much of it seems inappropriate to discuss on a public forum.
I have been getting my testing done and so far there are 7 follicles on the right and 3 on the left. None of them seems to be the 'right' size, so I have 2 more days of pin-cushion-hood. Right now it looks like I will take meds until Thursday, hCG on Thursday evening, retrieval Saturday, transfer Tuesday.
I guess this is good, I did have a superstition about not doing a procedure on April 1, so no one can say "Ha it was just a joke!" but I have had superstitions before and those never worked out either. I am just sort of barely believing this is possible. I mean, I must believe it to some degree or I wouldn't be doing it, right? But it seems like the world's longest shot so it doesn't feel like a great idea to go putting all this hope into the process.
As I was leaving testing today, there was a woman and her husband walking in. She was sobbing and I wanted to walk up to her and give her a hug. I know she had an ultrasound or something and didn't get the answer she was hoping for. I wanted to give her a hug in the hallway, but I didn't. I didn't because I know this is a private moment between a husband and wife, but I also regret not going up to her.
This is such a lonely process and I know that it is better when those you invite in are helpful, but I do wish I had let her know that she wasn't completely alone.
I have been getting my testing done and so far there are 7 follicles on the right and 3 on the left. None of them seems to be the 'right' size, so I have 2 more days of pin-cushion-hood. Right now it looks like I will take meds until Thursday, hCG on Thursday evening, retrieval Saturday, transfer Tuesday.
I guess this is good, I did have a superstition about not doing a procedure on April 1, so no one can say "Ha it was just a joke!" but I have had superstitions before and those never worked out either. I am just sort of barely believing this is possible. I mean, I must believe it to some degree or I wouldn't be doing it, right? But it seems like the world's longest shot so it doesn't feel like a great idea to go putting all this hope into the process.
As I was leaving testing today, there was a woman and her husband walking in. She was sobbing and I wanted to walk up to her and give her a hug. I know she had an ultrasound or something and didn't get the answer she was hoping for. I wanted to give her a hug in the hallway, but I didn't. I didn't because I know this is a private moment between a husband and wife, but I also regret not going up to her.
This is such a lonely process and I know that it is better when those you invite in are helpful, but I do wish I had let her know that she wasn't completely alone.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Throw everything at the problem
I finally received the meds for this cycle and the box was a bit overwhelming. I had to take a few pics to really get a feeling of the contents. Here is what I saw when I opened the box...
And then I opened up the bags and found more crap...
I guess this them saying " this is everything we have, so good luck". It feels very 'end of the line' to me. This sucks.
And then I opened up the bags and found more crap...
I guess this them saying " this is everything we have, so good luck". It feels very 'end of the line' to me. This sucks.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Book Tour
A couple of months ago, I agreed to join a book tour to discuss the novel "Children of Men". I was (obviously) interested in the topic of infertility and the movie trailers also piqued my interest. There are 22 questions to choose from and we agreed to pick 5 each. I am having a hard time with this part of the discussion. Many of the questions ask about very personal information about my own experience with infertility. I have a blog, and I do share some information, but there is still an awful lot that I keep private. I would never want H to come to my site and feel like I betrayed a confidence. That would do far more harm than help me to 'deal' with my situation. I am looking forward to the next book, as it is a novel that I have read and enjoyed, but one that has no 'personal' connection.
Please feel free to comment and discuss your own personal views. Also, check out next months option and join in if you like.
From the organizer:
Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.
Now on to the questions I feel comfortable answering. Next month I feel like I will be able to join in to the discussion far more fully, without feeling so guarded.
1. Though there are interesting female characters in the forefront of the novel, the cast of thousands of infertile women in the background are portrayed as crazy, desperate, and delusional. Did you feel P.D. James captured the emotions of infertility or do you think she merely repeated the image presented in the general media--infertile women are desperate and single-minded and obsessed with babies and pregnancy?
It seems to me that the women in the background are broad strokes interpretations of women. To me it was also as if each background character was one individual emotion or feeling. The women who was crazy with baby-lust, pushing a doll or kitten around, those women are a view into IF at a specific time and place. It is like trying to find some sort of replacement for all the love and feeling you hope to shower onto your child but are frustrated with. The woman who bashes the head of the doll is releasing some of the rage and anger that IF instills you with. It is like each individual is actually one moment in time during IF. These are not fleshed out women who are dealing with every aspect of IF. Instead they are just a snapshot of the experience.
8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand)
It is like a perfect joke. Those who feel they are perfect and unflawed undergo every test, every indignity, while those who are less 'perfect' create something without thought or effort. It was difficult to read about these people with their 'faith' in religion and moral character who could create life without all the anxiety of IF procedures. These people were flawed in more than just their physical aspects. They were less than good. I never truly felt for either the mother or the father. They both seemed to me to be hypocrites. He a priest, she a married religious woman. I never felt the love for her that the narrator feels. He loves her strength but I feel her weakness makes a mockery of the fact that she is the only woman to carry a child.
I am sure there is much the same feeling when looking at friends and family and there fertility. It is always such a blow to an IF when there is another pregnancy announcement. Another horrifying moment when you think, "What is wrong with me? Why am I being punished?"
14. If you were living in this time period and were given the ability to become pregnant but knew you would be the only person to do so, would you have that child knowing that they would be completely alone in an empty world for the last twenty-odd years of their life?
This is a hard question. On one hand, I would say yes, with all the work and effort to try to bear a child, I would probably continue. In my head it would seem that if even one person in one country can have a child, there might be another child in another place. At some point these children might find each other or not. Either way, the chance to actually have a child, even a child who might one day be very lonely, would be very powerful.
IF is such a lonely experience, I think someone who has such a difficult time getting pregnant could explain to a child what they might expect for their future. They might be lonely but who knows what a person could achieve if there were no responsibilities, no distractions. Perhaps they would become another Michelangelo or Shakespeare. Perhaps they would just watch every movie ever made.
15. Some parts of the book were written in first-person narrator and other parts were written as third-person omniscient. Did this make the book more or less compelling? How did this change in narration style impact your enjoyment and/or understanding of the book?
I found this so distracting as to diminish my enjoyment of this book. I found it so difficult to get back into the story each time the narration style was changed. It was like reading two books at the same time (which I have done on WAY more than one occasion), but I didn't enjoy one of the books. While reading from Theo's perspective I felt compelled to push forward. To understand his thoughts and feelings, but the 3rd person viewpoint ripped me from that perspective. I didn't 'like' the 3rd person view, it felt cold and distanced from the plot. It felt like an attempt to distance the author but instead distanced the reader. Each transition was harder for me, rather than easier. I never felt for the characters during the 3rd person, while I felt very intrigued by Theo and Xan's interactions and history.
22. The Omegas are portrayed as cruel, self-obsessed and cold. Do you suppose that's a function of the way they were raised (as the last generation of children) or something inherent in them? Do you think that infertility has an effect on parenting?
This was another aspect of the book I had trouble with. I know that many of the people I know (by no means all) who have had no IF issues or concerns have raised their children differently than those who either had difficulty having a child or chose to have only one for age or other personal reasons. To me I actually see the opposite effect.
Parents who worked harder to have a child are often more caring and considerate to their children and the people around them. They seem to instill a larger consideration and kindness into their children than those who have never thought about what parenting means. The children who I see that are cold, self-obsessed and just not very nice, come from homes where they are not valued as children but as objects. Just another item to show off to those around you. The children that come from homes where there are no rules and no courtesy are not usually those that have experienced IF.
(Please, this question is the most personal one I answered and I tried to be truthful without being hurtful. Please take this in the spirit it was written, not as a judgment, just an observation from a very small data set.)
Please feel free to comment and discuss your own personal views. Also, check out next months option and join in if you like.
From the organizer:
Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.
Now on to the questions I feel comfortable answering. Next month I feel like I will be able to join in to the discussion far more fully, without feeling so guarded.
1. Though there are interesting female characters in the forefront of the novel, the cast of thousands of infertile women in the background are portrayed as crazy, desperate, and delusional. Did you feel P.D. James captured the emotions of infertility or do you think she merely repeated the image presented in the general media--infertile women are desperate and single-minded and obsessed with babies and pregnancy?
It seems to me that the women in the background are broad strokes interpretations of women. To me it was also as if each background character was one individual emotion or feeling. The women who was crazy with baby-lust, pushing a doll or kitten around, those women are a view into IF at a specific time and place. It is like trying to find some sort of replacement for all the love and feeling you hope to shower onto your child but are frustrated with. The woman who bashes the head of the doll is releasing some of the rage and anger that IF instills you with. It is like each individual is actually one moment in time during IF. These are not fleshed out women who are dealing with every aspect of IF. Instead they are just a snapshot of the experience.
8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand)
It is like a perfect joke. Those who feel they are perfect and unflawed undergo every test, every indignity, while those who are less 'perfect' create something without thought or effort. It was difficult to read about these people with their 'faith' in religion and moral character who could create life without all the anxiety of IF procedures. These people were flawed in more than just their physical aspects. They were less than good. I never truly felt for either the mother or the father. They both seemed to me to be hypocrites. He a priest, she a married religious woman. I never felt the love for her that the narrator feels. He loves her strength but I feel her weakness makes a mockery of the fact that she is the only woman to carry a child.
I am sure there is much the same feeling when looking at friends and family and there fertility. It is always such a blow to an IF when there is another pregnancy announcement. Another horrifying moment when you think, "What is wrong with me? Why am I being punished?"
14. If you were living in this time period and were given the ability to become pregnant but knew you would be the only person to do so, would you have that child knowing that they would be completely alone in an empty world for the last twenty-odd years of their life?
This is a hard question. On one hand, I would say yes, with all the work and effort to try to bear a child, I would probably continue. In my head it would seem that if even one person in one country can have a child, there might be another child in another place. At some point these children might find each other or not. Either way, the chance to actually have a child, even a child who might one day be very lonely, would be very powerful.
IF is such a lonely experience, I think someone who has such a difficult time getting pregnant could explain to a child what they might expect for their future. They might be lonely but who knows what a person could achieve if there were no responsibilities, no distractions. Perhaps they would become another Michelangelo or Shakespeare. Perhaps they would just watch every movie ever made.
15. Some parts of the book were written in first-person narrator and other parts were written as third-person omniscient. Did this make the book more or less compelling? How did this change in narration style impact your enjoyment and/or understanding of the book?
I found this so distracting as to diminish my enjoyment of this book. I found it so difficult to get back into the story each time the narration style was changed. It was like reading two books at the same time (which I have done on WAY more than one occasion), but I didn't enjoy one of the books. While reading from Theo's perspective I felt compelled to push forward. To understand his thoughts and feelings, but the 3rd person viewpoint ripped me from that perspective. I didn't 'like' the 3rd person view, it felt cold and distanced from the plot. It felt like an attempt to distance the author but instead distanced the reader. Each transition was harder for me, rather than easier. I never felt for the characters during the 3rd person, while I felt very intrigued by Theo and Xan's interactions and history.
22. The Omegas are portrayed as cruel, self-obsessed and cold. Do you suppose that's a function of the way they were raised (as the last generation of children) or something inherent in them? Do you think that infertility has an effect on parenting?
This was another aspect of the book I had trouble with. I know that many of the people I know (by no means all) who have had no IF issues or concerns have raised their children differently than those who either had difficulty having a child or chose to have only one for age or other personal reasons. To me I actually see the opposite effect.
Parents who worked harder to have a child are often more caring and considerate to their children and the people around them. They seem to instill a larger consideration and kindness into their children than those who have never thought about what parenting means. The children who I see that are cold, self-obsessed and just not very nice, come from homes where they are not valued as children but as objects. Just another item to show off to those around you. The children that come from homes where there are no rules and no courtesy are not usually those that have experienced IF.
(Please, this question is the most personal one I answered and I tried to be truthful without being hurtful. Please take this in the spirit it was written, not as a judgment, just an observation from a very small data set.)
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Pitiable
This is sad and horrifying. H and I had a wonderful weekend away right after Valentine's. I thought, it was 'relaxing' and just plain old nice. We had a wonderful weekend, and the 'timing' was right. I thought, hoped, that this might be the charm. I have been acupunctured and yet, yesterday was day 1. Another day 1.
It is hateful.
We spoke with the dr this week and we have the same/similar protocol as the last time. With the expected same results. I am sad and frustrated today. I don't think a couple glasses of wine had a positive result on my mood.
Seriously a couple equals 2. Not a bottle or anything, but I think I am just on the edge of unhappy and this pushed me right over the side.
BCP starts tomorrow. I have a huge suspicion about April Fool's Day, and don't want a transfer/retrieval to occur on April 1, but then I had a 'suspicion' about 2 weeks ago.
This doesn't get better does it?
It is hateful.
We spoke with the dr this week and we have the same/similar protocol as the last time. With the expected same results. I am sad and frustrated today. I don't think a couple glasses of wine had a positive result on my mood.
Seriously a couple equals 2. Not a bottle or anything, but I think I am just on the edge of unhappy and this pushed me right over the side.
BCP starts tomorrow. I have a huge suspicion about April Fool's Day, and don't want a transfer/retrieval to occur on April 1, but then I had a 'suspicion' about 2 weeks ago.
This doesn't get better does it?
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Another wonderful day at the RE
Today I had a wonderful day (HA) at the clinic. I needed a bunch of tests and blood to find out what the F... is wrong with me.
So of course, I asked them to toss in a pap, because why not? Legs are up, crotch is uncovered, go ahead.
I am not sure if I have mentioned but I am really terrible at the down-there doctor. Like really tense bad. I try to relax and remind myself this is no big deal but somehow it is always a big deal. I have gotten better especially since I am feet-up every couple of months for another transfer/retrieval/blah/blah/blah, but still not great.
Well today was a topper. On top of a pap, I needed a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of some sort. The hysteroscopy was horrid. There was so much pain, and there is no apparent reason. Some people (most) don't really mind the procedure, but I could feel shooting pain all the way out into my hips.
The biopsy was less painful, which is also a little odd according to the dr, but I was totally accepting.
Now I am bleeding and crampy. Just so uncomfortable.
And we have a 'romantic' weekend planned. I hope to feel better, otherwise this weekend would be a bust, and really, that might piss me off more than anything else.
This whole process has taken a lot of the 'fun' out of stuff. Everything is timed and monitored and nothing is random spontaneous fun now. It is pretty frustrating and I don't think I like it.
So of course, I asked them to toss in a pap, because why not? Legs are up, crotch is uncovered, go ahead.
I am not sure if I have mentioned but I am really terrible at the down-there doctor. Like really tense bad. I try to relax and remind myself this is no big deal but somehow it is always a big deal. I have gotten better especially since I am feet-up every couple of months for another transfer/retrieval/blah/blah/blah, but still not great.
Well today was a topper. On top of a pap, I needed a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of some sort. The hysteroscopy was horrid. There was so much pain, and there is no apparent reason. Some people (most) don't really mind the procedure, but I could feel shooting pain all the way out into my hips.
The biopsy was less painful, which is also a little odd according to the dr, but I was totally accepting.
Now I am bleeding and crampy. Just so uncomfortable.
And we have a 'romantic' weekend planned. I hope to feel better, otherwise this weekend would be a bust, and really, that might piss me off more than anything else.
This whole process has taken a lot of the 'fun' out of stuff. Everything is timed and monitored and nothing is random spontaneous fun now. It is pretty frustrating and I don't think I like it.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
I'm the dad
We had a (big) Superbowl party this weekend. It wasn't intended to be a big event, but somehow it turned into a large group. We started out inviting just 2 or 3 couples and then added a couple more and a another group. Of course I didn't request RSVPs because, really, how many people are going to come?? Especially since we only started asking the Monday before the game.
Surprise! We had over 20 people, some of which brought kids. It was really fun, and I enjoyed myself (and Sangria) quite a bit. My friend came over with her 4.5 month old and I was holding her when she started crying and fussing. I turned to H and said 'She is broken, fix her!" He takes her and she goes right back to sleep. He had been playing with my nephew so I grabbed him and gave H the baby.
My nephew and I started wrestling and growling on the floor. He is so funny and so much fun. While we were doing this the baby's mother said, "You are the dad". I was a little startled. I just looked at her. Her response "You are rolling around on the floor and you leave H to do the comforting and calming, you're the dad".
It was very funny.
Friday, January 26, 2007
Winter laundry tips
If you want to do laundry in the winter, I have some tips.
If you are using the hand-wash cycle for sweaters... allow just a little spin to release 10 of the 50 lbs of water trapped in the sweaters.
If you have heard that drying outside in chilly weather will speed up the drying process for said sweaters... don't put them in the shade, or in 1F weather. Wet clothing + 1F + bare hands = rapid onset hypothermia.
If you see icicles forming off the arms of the sweaters... don't just giggle and think how funny it looks. Remove sweaters from porch bench before they become a permanent fixture or they might snap when you are trying to move them.
If you do move the sweaters into the sun... make sure to take a picture before your sculptures melt.
I'll post a picture later.
If you are using the hand-wash cycle for sweaters... allow just a little spin to release 10 of the 50 lbs of water trapped in the sweaters.
If you have heard that drying outside in chilly weather will speed up the drying process for said sweaters... don't put them in the shade, or in 1F weather. Wet clothing + 1F + bare hands = rapid onset hypothermia.
If you see icicles forming off the arms of the sweaters... don't just giggle and think how funny it looks. Remove sweaters from porch bench before they become a permanent fixture or they might snap when you are trying to move them.
If you do move the sweaters into the sun... make sure to take a picture before your sculptures melt.
I'll post a picture later.
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Lunch
I met a friend for lunch yesterday. We used to work together but she too was recently laid off. She was one of the people I spoke to quite a bit as she also went through fertility treatments way back when. She has a 21 yo daughter and it took them 11 years to get pregnant, so she is someone I feel comfortable talking to about this process.
While at lunch we talked about where I am and what is going on. She is always understanding and helpful but yesterday was especially nice. We were discussing options, a sixth IVF cycle, adoption, foster care, blah blah blah and she started talking about her daughter. She said that she doesn't really remember the pregnancy or delivery. The only thing she remembers is the moment they put the child in her arms. She believes that she wouldn't have felt any differently about her daughter had it been adoption.
In fact she said she often looks at her daughter and asks herself if they are related because she says or does something that is foreign to her parents. She says she doesn't feel a 'connection' to her child like something mystical, but that she loves her because of the person she has become.
It was a nice way to look at adoption. No matter how you get your child, you go through frustration and difficulty but when someone puts a child in your arms, it is yours. Your baby.
While at lunch we talked about where I am and what is going on. She is always understanding and helpful but yesterday was especially nice. We were discussing options, a sixth IVF cycle, adoption, foster care, blah blah blah and she started talking about her daughter. She said that she doesn't really remember the pregnancy or delivery. The only thing she remembers is the moment they put the child in her arms. She believes that she wouldn't have felt any differently about her daughter had it been adoption.
In fact she said she often looks at her daughter and asks herself if they are related because she says or does something that is foreign to her parents. She says she doesn't feel a 'connection' to her child like something mystical, but that she loves her because of the person she has become.
It was a nice way to look at adoption. No matter how you get your child, you go through frustration and difficulty but when someone puts a child in your arms, it is yours. Your baby.
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