d-2p3dt

Just got the call about fertilization results and I couldn't be more pleased or scared.  We only had 7 eggs, but 6 were mature.  That is way better than we have had in any other cycle.   Also, of the 6, 5 fertilized.

We have no idea yet about the quality of those embryos yet, and this is another stage where we always have some serious trouble, but I am feeling a little hopeful.  Unfortunately that is often the beginning of the big fall. 

D-3p3dt

Well today was the retrieval and things went both better and worse than expected.  H's numbers are much improved which is very very good news.  Unfortunately mine are dropping.  Of the 9 very large follicles there were only 7 eggs.  We don't know anything further yet. 

I hope things go well.

Day 12

Back again for another round of blood and ultrasounds.  Still only found 9, 4 on the right, 5 on the left.  None of the smaller guys caught up.  Still each of the 9 is between 17 and 20 so tonight is the HCG injection.  Unfortunately H is at a work dinner and I need to inject into my butt alone.  I am really no good at this.  I do all the other injections and pills etc, but I really need him to do the butt shot.  I find it to difficult, and the needle is so huge that I freak out about it. 

Still, I am almost done with the first phase of this cycle.  Now it is on to the retrieval. 

Day 8 and 10?????

I started my cycle really late in the day so what is scheduled as day 9 and 11 really seems to be days 8 and 10.

I got my blood and ultrasound on day 8. I was really disappointed and concerned about this cycle. I only had 3 eggs on the right and 1 on the left. My E2 level was 510. I don't know if that is good or not. They were each 12 or 13 mm. Which isn't bad, since they were all at the same size. I always have a bunch that are runaways and they mature long before any of the rest. I went back in today and found that there are now 4 on the right between 14 and 16. I also have 5 on the left that are between 13 and 16 with an E2 of ~930. At least we now can see some hope.

It doesn't seem to make sense, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth??

I thought I would be back tomorrow, but I am not to return until day 12. I don't have enough medicine to get me though till then. I hope I can get an emergency delivery tomorrow.

I do have a video that cheered me up last night. I guess a lot of people have seen this but I hadn't seen it till last night and have been singing it all day. By the way, please don't play this at work, or at least turn down the volume.

Lupron, anyone?

I seem to have two extra boxes of 14-day lupron. They are unexpired and seem to over-down regulate me. If anyone is looking for any meds, let me know.

Spotting to starting

I spoke to my nurse who explained that since I was on such a short first cycle, I might only spot as a period so I went to my US as scheduled.  Well, about 5pm I started REALLY bleeding.  At least I now for sure that I am cleaned out for a new cycle I guess, but there was certainly no spotting.  As I said, I have an entirely new protocol which includes all new medicines.  Most of which I have never taken before.  So I inject one of them this morning into my leg as usual and immediately feel like a bruise.  No big deal, sometimes I bruise, well this proceeded to become actual real pain and difficulty walking.  I thought that a little walk around the neighborhood would be a good idea to get the medicine moving into my body and out of my leg, so I went for a 3 mile walk.  Normally when I go for a walk I try to do around 5 miles, so it feels like 'exercise' but I was in such pain that I had to come home early. 

Great, there are only 10-13 more days of this medicine.  Yay.

Beginning IVF #5

Today the spotting begins.  My cycle is starting and I need to get my first US tomorrow.  I am terribly nervous and a little teary.  I am doubling up on Acupuncture and Massage for the next couple of weeks to help 'calm' me.  I don't know that it works that way but at least while I am there I am allowed to sit in a blank quiet room nothing but a warm lamp on and some light music.  I do find that I get to drift a little during that part, though the last massage has left some significant bruising. 

This is not a joke.  I had trouble sleeping the first night because every time I turned over, I woke myself up with a stabbing pain.  I am hoping that a hot bath and another massage (with some rules set!) might help. 

I am worried about the spotting as I am not really at day 1, but I spoke to the nurse and since I am on a short course of BC and am only 2 weeks into my cycle, she doesn't expect much more than spotting.  I don't know.  This whole cycle is so different from any that we have done previously.  That could be good or not.  I have no idea. 

The old clinic sent a letter recently to say that the Dr who was our guy is no longer with the facility.  Of course there is no 'reason' associated with his leaving, but I would guess that all the bad  press lately couldn't have been helpful.

I don't know what I will do if this is another failed cycle.  I am not sure if I can handle another massive failure.  Even medicated. 

Latest news

Just got an announcement from a friend that she is pregnant, with her third.  I don't think I am dosed appropriately to deal with this.

Scotland review

Here are the photos from our trip. There are around 1100 more but I didn't think you would appreciate that. I tried to post these another way and I am not happy with how it posted. I made them a bit large, so please let me know if this is a problem. Also, please don't click on the thumbnail. It will load a completely different page and that is kind of a pain. I haven't been thrilled with loading to Flickr, so if you can tell me another way to load photos I would greatly appreciate it.

This is only funny to some specific people, but H and I like it!

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This is the William Wallace memorial, in front of it is the ugliest statue of Mel Gibson from Braveheart. It is ridiculous, but absolutely a riot. The memorial is really pretty though.

This castle was under construction and right off the side of the road. It was so cool but we got kicked out really quickly as it was a 'construction site'. This was one of only a few that we could get before getting in trouble.

Here come some of the Highland Games. These were awesome. This is the Caber Toss, which is big stick These are the GIRLS.

These are the men. The Caber is 200 pounds, more or less. There is a goal of getting the pointy end as close to 12 o'clock as possible, but really who cares!!? Just the lifting, grunting, running, and throwing is enough for me!

This is a FIRE PREVENTION DISPLAY. This was done by the firemen to encourage FIRE SAFETY. I am sure that worked. You can't read the note next to the fire, but it says "Next Demonstration 8:30ish".

H is not a little guy, but he looks like a total peanut next to the Games competitors.

Outside of a B&B we stayed at, on one of our last nights.

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It seems that all (most?) of the churches have a wooden roof. Unfortunately this is what happens when that church falls into disrepair. Yes, that is grass where the roof ought to be.

Wedding day, H and I, and the site, inside and out.

Street performers in Edinborough.

Many things are deep fried in Edinbourgh. Including pizza. Or a candy bar that you bought at the convenience store next door. That the guy lets you fry up all by your self! So not the most flattering photo, but it was too amusing not to post.

Scotland, quick update

I only have a second.  I am at an internet cafe and need to run soon. 

 

Choose the second dress and won rave reviews.  When I return home, I will try to post a photo.  I was called a statue by the groom, which I took as a compliment.  More details about the wedding soon!!

Mental update

I have been on my meds now for about 2 months.  Maybe a bit more than that, but everything is so amazingly different.  I know I gave an update earlier about the change after 4 weeks and that was truly life-changing.

Now though is different, now I am at a stable dose and a stable feeling about life.  I still get concerned and anxious about stuff, like the fact that I am not working yet, but I don't have a complete and utter breakdown about it. 

We had brunch with some very good friends a few weeks ago and she has been through all of the 'issues' with me for years.  I love these friends, they are incredibly important to us.  They have had to deal with our infertility and everything else in our lives for such a long time, and they don't complain or make anything any harder on me.  She works really hard to try to relieve some of the pressure through little things, like an incredible sense of humor or stories about her own family stuff.  Over brunch we were all laughing so hard about some stories that we were talking about, and I thought she was going to cry, she was laughing so hard.  It dawned on me then that I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed that hard about anything. 

We just talked the other day and mentioned that morning, she said that she was so happy that I seemed to be in such a better place.  Her husband even said in the car on the way home, that it was nice to have me back.  I try to hide as much of the depression from people as I can but I know now how bleak a place I was in.  I am a completely different person to myself and the people I love when I am deep into depair. 

I am a person I even like now.  I wasn't someone I liked then.  I wasn't even someone I could see then.  It is like I am a completely new person now that the medicine is a part of my life.  Thank god, or whoever.

More shopping!

Ok, this time, I haven't bought anything but it is only a matter of time I would guess.

First up, the final product of the dress for our anniversary. This didn't include any jewelry or anything and I ended up wearing my hair in a long pony-tail, but I think you get the idea.





















Now on to the shopping! I am looking for a dress for a wedding in two weeks. I put these two on hold till Saturday and H has seen the pix. He likes the first one and so do I. It is the more expensive of the 2 but we both like it. I think it looks more 'movie-star' which is always a good goal. The second one I think looks more elegant. It is navy and silver which is really pretty. My camera battery was low and so I had to turn off the flash. Unfortunately that means that the aperture was open and I am not real steady so these are pretty shaky. Sorry. I am going to go back tomorrow and show H, so maybe he can take a better photo.




































This one, I just couldn't help myself. I was around the first time this was 'popular'. This just made me laugh so much that I had to take a photo. Do you remember when Madonna wore something just like this in that terrible Susan movie? I do realize how ridiculous this looks, but you have to laugh. I have lived through the 80s three times now!!

Quick update

Ok, a quick update on acupuncture. 

To preface it, I was/am very skeptical about acupuncture and similar treatments.  I have a scientific background and am generally a logical person, which is why I did end up going to acupuncture.  I looked at quite a few journal article in Fertility and Sterility and found that the scientific evidence is pretty good.  Nowhere is there any sort of explanation as to why it might work but the evidence suggests it does.

That being said, one is supposed to 'relax' (hhmmmm, where have we heard that before??), and I hadn't gotten that reaction yet.  After one session, they added massage to the treatment and let me tell you that was the most painful massage ever.  I have some nerve damage in my arms from previous surgeries and so certain areas are extra sensitive.  I thought I was going to cry, but I let him do what he was going to do.  As I said to H, injecting all the meds hurts too, but we don't balk at that.

My lower back was killing me the next couple of days too, but anyway.  The following week, massage came first and it really did help me to relax.  I might even have dozed off for a minute or two during the puncturing, which to me is kinda amazing.

The woman said that this treatment was to 'bring on my period' which I just shrugged at since I have been 5-7 days late the last few months.  She put a few extra needles in and asked me to her when there was shocking pain.  There was! 

The following day I began to spot.  Weird.  Today seems to be day 1, which is 1 day late.  To me that is a huge difference from 5-7 days late, so I am impressed.  They also told me to avoid very cold things during this time, but have they seen the weather!?!  Ice cream is a requirement.  I will see what I can do, but I can't promise anything.

Oh, and I wore the dress for our 3-year anniversary the other night.  I will post the 'final product' pictures as soon as I get them loaded.

Some recommendations:

We just saw a movie the other night that I definitely recommend.  It is called "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and it has Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer.  It is sort of an old fashioned noir mystery and it has a great sense of humor.  It came out last year sometime, but was marketed terribly. 

Also, just started "Cell" by Stephen King.  Very quick read and compelling in an apocolyptic way. 

Just some summer time things to think about.

Latest purchase

Ok, so here is the dress. I like the concept and the price (27$!) but I am not sure of the fit for me. The camera angle is a bit low so I feel like it might not be the most 'flattering'. I don't know how flattering the dress is in general, but it certainly is comfy. Please be as honest!!

Here you go:

Nice evening

We are just starting to plan our life without kids. We just made a future plan for where we will live if we still do not have any kids in a couple of years. I would move now, but H does not want to leave just yet. He is working on a new company and really wants to get everything moving before we move anywhere. Also he has just bought an investment property and he is concerned about living too far away for monitoring.

I would like to get pregnant from our many many procedures, and then move. I would like to move there almost as soon as it is safe. I would probably move back for the last month or so of a pregnancy just for the safety of Boston hospitals, but I could live somewhere else.

I really want to live in another country. I just want to be somewhere else, somewhere different. I want to start over, learn a new language, and just begin my life over.

Would anyone mind if I posted a picture here of a new outfit? I just got a dress a couple of days ago and I do not know how I feel just yet. Please help. I will try to post it in the next day or so. Thanks for any help.

Punctured

Well, I tried it. I went to an acupuncture clinic and had them stick me. I have no idea what it does or if it works. It was totally weird and confusing. I didn't feel relaxed at all, and I don't know how one would feel relaxed with a dozen pins sticking out all over the place.

Most of them didn't hurt much, just a little pinch when they went in, but a few of them were yucky. I didn't like the ones in my head at all, they felt odd the whole time. Once they were in, most of the pins were painless, but the head ones were always uncomfortable. Also, one in my hand hurt, a lot. She removed it immediately and tried to put it back but the pain was bad so it stayed out.

There was also one on my ankle that kinda hurt the whole time. Weird, it was in the same place on my leg as the one that hurt on my hand. I wonder if my 'meridian' is broken at the end.

They said I would have more energy and that part has been true. Yesterday I was a bit of a basket of energy, but most of it was sort of anxious, irritable energy and I don't think that was really the goal. They did give me a huge bag of weeds and told me to brew it into 12 cups of tea to drink over 6 days. I brought it home and my husband basically forbid me to drink it.

I agree, as we have NO IDEA of what is in the bags. I don't even recognize anything in the bags and we don't want to mess up with respect to all the other meds I need to take. So I am taking a pass on this aspect of 'treatment'. I hope it is the right decision.

Oh, and the dreams

One of the problems with the sleep disturbances are that I am having really vivid dreams. The dr says this is normal with this med and most people end up being fine with them. Well, since I am sleeping so lightly these dreams are sort of keeping me awake. Hopefully I will get used to this routine and be able to ignore them soon, but the most recent was a doozy.

I had an appointment with the dr for meds last week and wanted to discuss some research I had done on the subject. The night before I had a fully REAL dream, you know the kind where you feel awake and active through the whole thing?? Well, that dream was that I had a baby, that minute. I hadn't been pregnant, but I went into labor and had a baby. I felt terrible because I was in labor and couldn't call to cancel my appointment with happy-med lady.

Yes, this was my major concern. But also when I looked at the baby, she (yep, girl) was very dark, hair and skin. H is darker than I am, but since I am the color of fish-bellies, that isn't that tough. My first thought was that everyone would know that she was from a donor egg. It was crushing though I was still happy, it was very bitter-sweet.

I don't know if this means I am becoming alright with the donor egg concept or not. Or if my body is telling me that is the only path for us. I don't really know what to think, other than I have a fear of breaking appointments.

Sounds like bitching

I just wanted to make something clear from an earlier post.  Seeing people who have had it so much easier to have children and then to see how they raise those children can be so disappointing.  It is like knowing that you have no 'right'  to comment, but it is so hurtful to experience. 

Again, I love my niece and nephew.  I just don't always love the behavior my sister is fostering in them.  It feels like she is trying to encourage their dependence on her, rather than encourage them to become wonderful individuals.

Acupuncture?

Help, does anyone know how to research acupuncture people in the Boston area? Any help on this would be fabulous!

Thanks