Scotland, quick update

I only have a second.  I am at an internet cafe and need to run soon. 

 

Choose the second dress and won rave reviews.  When I return home, I will try to post a photo.  I was called a statue by the groom, which I took as a compliment.  More details about the wedding soon!!

Mental update

I have been on my meds now for about 2 months.  Maybe a bit more than that, but everything is so amazingly different.  I know I gave an update earlier about the change after 4 weeks and that was truly life-changing.

Now though is different, now I am at a stable dose and a stable feeling about life.  I still get concerned and anxious about stuff, like the fact that I am not working yet, but I don't have a complete and utter breakdown about it. 

We had brunch with some very good friends a few weeks ago and she has been through all of the 'issues' with me for years.  I love these friends, they are incredibly important to us.  They have had to deal with our infertility and everything else in our lives for such a long time, and they don't complain or make anything any harder on me.  She works really hard to try to relieve some of the pressure through little things, like an incredible sense of humor or stories about her own family stuff.  Over brunch we were all laughing so hard about some stories that we were talking about, and I thought she was going to cry, she was laughing so hard.  It dawned on me then that I couldn't remember the last time I had laughed that hard about anything. 

We just talked the other day and mentioned that morning, she said that she was so happy that I seemed to be in such a better place.  Her husband even said in the car on the way home, that it was nice to have me back.  I try to hide as much of the depression from people as I can but I know now how bleak a place I was in.  I am a completely different person to myself and the people I love when I am deep into depair. 

I am a person I even like now.  I wasn't someone I liked then.  I wasn't even someone I could see then.  It is like I am a completely new person now that the medicine is a part of my life.  Thank god, or whoever.

More shopping!

Ok, this time, I haven't bought anything but it is only a matter of time I would guess.

First up, the final product of the dress for our anniversary. This didn't include any jewelry or anything and I ended up wearing my hair in a long pony-tail, but I think you get the idea.





















Now on to the shopping! I am looking for a dress for a wedding in two weeks. I put these two on hold till Saturday and H has seen the pix. He likes the first one and so do I. It is the more expensive of the 2 but we both like it. I think it looks more 'movie-star' which is always a good goal. The second one I think looks more elegant. It is navy and silver which is really pretty. My camera battery was low and so I had to turn off the flash. Unfortunately that means that the aperture was open and I am not real steady so these are pretty shaky. Sorry. I am going to go back tomorrow and show H, so maybe he can take a better photo.




































This one, I just couldn't help myself. I was around the first time this was 'popular'. This just made me laugh so much that I had to take a photo. Do you remember when Madonna wore something just like this in that terrible Susan movie? I do realize how ridiculous this looks, but you have to laugh. I have lived through the 80s three times now!!

Quick update

Ok, a quick update on acupuncture. 

To preface it, I was/am very skeptical about acupuncture and similar treatments.  I have a scientific background and am generally a logical person, which is why I did end up going to acupuncture.  I looked at quite a few journal article in Fertility and Sterility and found that the scientific evidence is pretty good.  Nowhere is there any sort of explanation as to why it might work but the evidence suggests it does.

That being said, one is supposed to 'relax' (hhmmmm, where have we heard that before??), and I hadn't gotten that reaction yet.  After one session, they added massage to the treatment and let me tell you that was the most painful massage ever.  I have some nerve damage in my arms from previous surgeries and so certain areas are extra sensitive.  I thought I was going to cry, but I let him do what he was going to do.  As I said to H, injecting all the meds hurts too, but we don't balk at that.

My lower back was killing me the next couple of days too, but anyway.  The following week, massage came first and it really did help me to relax.  I might even have dozed off for a minute or two during the puncturing, which to me is kinda amazing.

The woman said that this treatment was to 'bring on my period' which I just shrugged at since I have been 5-7 days late the last few months.  She put a few extra needles in and asked me to her when there was shocking pain.  There was! 

The following day I began to spot.  Weird.  Today seems to be day 1, which is 1 day late.  To me that is a huge difference from 5-7 days late, so I am impressed.  They also told me to avoid very cold things during this time, but have they seen the weather!?!  Ice cream is a requirement.  I will see what I can do, but I can't promise anything.

Oh, and I wore the dress for our 3-year anniversary the other night.  I will post the 'final product' pictures as soon as I get them loaded.

Some recommendations:

We just saw a movie the other night that I definitely recommend.  It is called "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" and it has Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer.  It is sort of an old fashioned noir mystery and it has a great sense of humor.  It came out last year sometime, but was marketed terribly. 

Also, just started "Cell" by Stephen King.  Very quick read and compelling in an apocolyptic way. 

Just some summer time things to think about.

Latest purchase

Ok, so here is the dress. I like the concept and the price (27$!) but I am not sure of the fit for me. The camera angle is a bit low so I feel like it might not be the most 'flattering'. I don't know how flattering the dress is in general, but it certainly is comfy. Please be as honest!!

Here you go:

Nice evening

We are just starting to plan our life without kids. We just made a future plan for where we will live if we still do not have any kids in a couple of years. I would move now, but H does not want to leave just yet. He is working on a new company and really wants to get everything moving before we move anywhere. Also he has just bought an investment property and he is concerned about living too far away for monitoring.

I would like to get pregnant from our many many procedures, and then move. I would like to move there almost as soon as it is safe. I would probably move back for the last month or so of a pregnancy just for the safety of Boston hospitals, but I could live somewhere else.

I really want to live in another country. I just want to be somewhere else, somewhere different. I want to start over, learn a new language, and just begin my life over.

Would anyone mind if I posted a picture here of a new outfit? I just got a dress a couple of days ago and I do not know how I feel just yet. Please help. I will try to post it in the next day or so. Thanks for any help.

Punctured

Well, I tried it. I went to an acupuncture clinic and had them stick me. I have no idea what it does or if it works. It was totally weird and confusing. I didn't feel relaxed at all, and I don't know how one would feel relaxed with a dozen pins sticking out all over the place.

Most of them didn't hurt much, just a little pinch when they went in, but a few of them were yucky. I didn't like the ones in my head at all, they felt odd the whole time. Once they were in, most of the pins were painless, but the head ones were always uncomfortable. Also, one in my hand hurt, a lot. She removed it immediately and tried to put it back but the pain was bad so it stayed out.

There was also one on my ankle that kinda hurt the whole time. Weird, it was in the same place on my leg as the one that hurt on my hand. I wonder if my 'meridian' is broken at the end.

They said I would have more energy and that part has been true. Yesterday I was a bit of a basket of energy, but most of it was sort of anxious, irritable energy and I don't think that was really the goal. They did give me a huge bag of weeds and told me to brew it into 12 cups of tea to drink over 6 days. I brought it home and my husband basically forbid me to drink it.

I agree, as we have NO IDEA of what is in the bags. I don't even recognize anything in the bags and we don't want to mess up with respect to all the other meds I need to take. So I am taking a pass on this aspect of 'treatment'. I hope it is the right decision.

Oh, and the dreams

One of the problems with the sleep disturbances are that I am having really vivid dreams. The dr says this is normal with this med and most people end up being fine with them. Well, since I am sleeping so lightly these dreams are sort of keeping me awake. Hopefully I will get used to this routine and be able to ignore them soon, but the most recent was a doozy.

I had an appointment with the dr for meds last week and wanted to discuss some research I had done on the subject. The night before I had a fully REAL dream, you know the kind where you feel awake and active through the whole thing?? Well, that dream was that I had a baby, that minute. I hadn't been pregnant, but I went into labor and had a baby. I felt terrible because I was in labor and couldn't call to cancel my appointment with happy-med lady.

Yes, this was my major concern. But also when I looked at the baby, she (yep, girl) was very dark, hair and skin. H is darker than I am, but since I am the color of fish-bellies, that isn't that tough. My first thought was that everyone would know that she was from a donor egg. It was crushing though I was still happy, it was very bitter-sweet.

I don't know if this means I am becoming alright with the donor egg concept or not. Or if my body is telling me that is the only path for us. I don't really know what to think, other than I have a fear of breaking appointments.

Sounds like bitching

I just wanted to make something clear from an earlier post.  Seeing people who have had it so much easier to have children and then to see how they raise those children can be so disappointing.  It is like knowing that you have no 'right'  to comment, but it is so hurtful to experience. 

Again, I love my niece and nephew.  I just don't always love the behavior my sister is fostering in them.  It feels like she is trying to encourage their dependence on her, rather than encourage them to become wonderful individuals.

Acupuncture?

Help, does anyone know how to research acupuncture people in the Boston area? Any help on this would be fabulous!

Thanks

More to vent

H and I watched my niece and nephew this weekend. It was so much fun and really hard at the same time. I love these kids like crazy but sometimes I get so frustrated with my sister and BIL and the way they raise them. Obviously it is really hard to say anything since we don't have kids and so have no 'credibility' with them. We had them from Friday night to Saturday afternoon and then back again Saturday night until Sunday afternoon. My nephew is often wonderful, just a joy to be around, but other times an incredibly hard child to deal with. He has been trained from birth to let everyone around him do everything for him. His sister has also been trained that the second he makes a sound to jump in and give him whatever he asks for.

She packed her own bag and his to come over for the weekend, she is 6.5, he is almost 5.

I try to encourage him to do things on his own but it is hard to change almost 5 years of training.

He was wonderful all evening and day on Saturday but they were going to a birthday party in the afternoon with their mother. He had been asking all day if the party was for his birthday. I explained over and over that no, it was for another child and he would have his party in a couple of months. When his mother picked him up he saw the present and asked it was for him. She said no, and he flipped out. In an absolutely enormous way.

He started screaming his head off and said "I want to punch you in the HEAD" to my sister. Her response, "Ok, get out of the car, you aren't going to the party". Not to be obtuse, but where was she planning on leaving him??

H and I had plans for the rest of the afternoon and had a truck full of stuff to deliver to family, so he couldn't come with us and obviously couldn't stay anywhere alone.

Up till that moment he had been a great kid in a great mood.

Fast forward to Sunday morning.

He had dumped out all his toys and clothes over the course of the weekend. No big deal, but I asked him to pick up the toys. He said no and told his sister to pick them up. She started to and I told her to stop. Finally when he did stop fussing and picked up the toys he did a wonderful job. He lined all the pieces up perfectly evenly and faceup. It was really nice, when he was about halfway through, I was satisfied and asked if he wanted help, his response "No thank you Auntie".

Then before we left, I asked him to pack his stuff, and he was just dumping everything in the bag so it wouldn't fit. Also he is still whining, but not a big deal. When we got to his house he had fallen asleep in the car for 5 minutes so he was a little crabby on wake up. When he woke up he starting screaming again and howling something. S and BIL came running to coddle him. They couldn't understand what he was screaing about but I understand his howling.

He was screaming "THEY MADE ME DO MY OWN STUFF!!".

I couldn't even deal anymore. I just told them what they had for food and their bath status and left.

Absolutely revolting.

Start to clear my head

There has been so much going on that I don't really know where to start. It has been an overwhelming couple of weeks. I have been on my meds and are really becoming more mentally sound, but my sleep has been so disturbed. It got so bad that H wouldn't let me drive anywhere in case I got into an accident. I was waking up every hour or so and sleepy so lightly.

I called the dr and she gave me a second med that was supposed to help my sleeping. It was only going to be for a short time, to reset my schedule. I could take 1-5 pills, as they are low dose. So I started on 1 and didn't sleep through the night, then the next day tried 2. I was better but still not sleeping through the night and still being groggy and a little odd during the day. I tried playing with the schedule and even went to 3 pills. H said I was completely stoned all day. So I am drinking all this caffiene trying to wake up during the day and it is having no effect. I am basically stuck on the couch incoherent.

I am off that med now and still not sleeping through the night. Thank goodness my mood is so much more stable. There is an option to try something to give me a little energy in the day. Perhaps that will allow me to tire myself out during the day and sleep better at night. If I try that path I can only do it for a month or so as I cannot be in a cycle with this new med.

I guess I am still working out all the kinks here. More later.

Too much to talk about

I have so much stored up right now.  I have about a million things I want to talk about and clear out of my head. 

I want to discuss my chemical state, my old clinic, my new clinic, and my weekend baby sitting a niece and nephew.  I haven't meant to store all this up but it has been a weird couple of weeks.  I will check in tomorrow and let you know what is going on.  Right now, exhaustion is setting in.

Thanks for checking on me.

Better Living Through Chemistry

Thank goodness for medicine. Things have gotten so much better since I first went to this new clinic. I haven't actually done a cycle or anything which is disappointing, but I did get some medicine to help me with my hormonal and emotional levels. At first it helped and I finally started to see the world with a little light and less bleak.

It was completely a quirk of fate, and maybe some sort of blessing, that I did all this just a week or so before I was laid off. Even with medication, the lay-off was incredibly hard. For two weeks I was just completely out of touch with life or anything remotely attached. I couldn't focus, think or respond.

Then suddenly the wall broke through and things have gotten so much better. I can now focus on things (most of the time) and it was like breaking through the clouds and coming up into a clear sky. And this was even during the endless rain we had here, or at least it felt like endless rain, it is really hard to tell. Anyway, it turns out that these things often take 4-6 weeks to fully kick in and gain complete effectiveness.

So far I am right on schedule and that is incredible. I am still exhausted all the time, which is another side effect, it may resolve or it may not. If not there are other medical avenues to take and ones more natural (yay to caffeine!!). But even so, just knowing that this is a normal response and that I am not constantly thinking of how to hurt myself without leaving a mess for H to clean up is a wonderful change.

The goal of all this crap

Unfortunately I don't know how to turn this so it is upright. I don't know what I should set to make this work, so I hope you don't mind. I will try to figure out the correct setting for the next one. This is my nephew learning how to play frisbee.

Something less depressing

Right now I am trying to use the Blogger photo option, but the upload is super-slow. Hopefully I will get a flickr account soon and maybe that will be faster. I haven't really played around with any features of this blog, but I want to start. I also took a quick video that I want to try to post if I can figure it out.














Thanks for all the comments about our yard and lawn. H is very proud of that lawn and it has taken us a couple of years to get it to this point. When we moved in the backyard was a disaster. It was all uneven and had no grass on a huge chunk of it. H was determined to have a great big green carpet and he succeeded.



















We bought and loved that chiminea the first season we got it. We even had a huge bonfire in it once, there was lighter fluid involved and it looked like a rocket, very cool. After that though, we have hardly used it at all. I want to try to use it again this year. If the weather will cooperate, maybe we can start using it. Unfortunately it isn't really big enough to use the firewood for the fireplace so we have to get wood specifically sized to fit in the chiminea. Maybe that is what always deters us?















This last one is from a graveyard down in Boston. I just like the textures and 'feel' of it.



















Please let me know what you think. I love the video I shot today. Unfortunately I ran out of memory about 10 seconds in, but I guess that means you are not subjected to a long, rambling video when I get it posted.

Something different

There isn't much to report in IF land. Most everyone seems to be doing horribly this week.

Next week we are hoping to find out if there is some genetic reason that this is so hard. Turns out that both H and I have some likelihood of a problem due to our backgrounds. In fact we have different backgrounds but the same likely problem. Weird.

I just wanted to post something different, so here goes...

I hope this works.

This is one reason for all the pervasive depression. Yes, those are raindrops and they have been there for weeks.

Because of this, I wanted to also post a couple from the brief breaks in the weather. Some of those are kinda old, but since we haven't had sun for 3 consecutive days in months, we have had the endless spring so some of these are from the last week or two. I will try posting those later today.

Please let me know what you think.

OK, so I meant a 35 day cycle

I guess I haven't hit menopause yet.  Just a weird 35 day cycle, hopefully it was just a weird one-time thing.  This is a very rare thing for me to be so irregular.  I hope this is not repeated.  Unfortunately this means we might not be able to do a cycle before we are supposed to go on a long trip for a friend's wedding.  That might mean that we are on hold until September/October. 

That would mean that we have only had 2 IVF cycles in one whole year.  One failed at 6 weeks but took an extra couple to confirm and then 4 months off 'down time' and the last cycle, the raging failure. 

What is going on?

I can't stand this.  I am now 4 or 5 days late on my period.  I am generally incredibly regular and I don't know what is going on.  Of course, I POAS, on day 1 and it was negative. 

But the sticks were expired, so maybe they don't really work, and just because the control line was perfect and dark doesn't mean anything, right? 

So I went to the store again last night and bought another pack.  I figured I would wait until today, in case I began to spot, but nothing again this morning, so I peed on another stick. 

This one, just like the last, was a BFN.  Nothing, and these aren't expired, nor was there even the pink window that might confuse the subject for a minute.  Less than nothing.

So now I am certain that I am not pregnant but I am still not bleeding.  We are not going to be able to do this cycle anyway because we are at a new place and we need to go through their 'routine', but when will we be able to move forward?  This is so frustrating, but also I just don't know what is going on with my body.  Is this a sign of something wrong? 

Since my last cycle was such a crazy disaster, and the clomid challenge was a bit of a failure, maybe there is some developing problem. 

I don't even know how to ask dr google for the answer to this question.  It is possible that this is stress-related, since the lay-off, but I don't really think so.  I don't really feel stressed out or anything.  It just feels like this isn't even the right week.  It feels like a normal mid-month day.  This is all so confusing.