Fear and confusion

Last week we found out that a friend of ours is sick.  He has had a chronic problem for a long time, but recently there was some acute problem.  He has been in ICU for 2-3 weeks and they are looking to move him to a new room tomorrow.  We haven't seen these people in a while as they had moved away a few years ago and we fell out of touch.  It was only lucky timing that H tried to contact the wife recently and we found out about the husband's health.  They have moved back here as we have some really good hospitals in the area for his treatment and her field is also medical in nature.

We have our appointment tomorrow in the city and since he is in a hospital nearby, we asked if we could visit.  It sounds like he is much improved which is great, so we are going to try to have lunch with the wife tomorrow and see him after lunch for a bit.  We communicated a little today to set up tomorrow and I knew that she has a job at the hospital my clinic is a part of, but it is a huge hospital so I didn't really think much of it. 

Today she tells me that she is in the same building that we will be going to, and then I remember her focus.  Ultrasounds.  I don't really remember many of the specific details, but I do remember that her last company was making ultrasound machines.  Obviously I hadn't really intended to discuss our IF issues with these people.  They are our friends but as I said, ones we are not very close with.  I don't know how much information she will have access to, but she will certainly be able to see what we are coming in for. 

Now I am in a bit of a panic.  We are going to be in her area of expertise and see her 20 minutes after we have our US and speak with the nurse.

Pain and anxiety

The last few days have been tough.  I am waiting for the US next week and the week is taking forever.   I am starting to feel aches and pain in my abdomen.  I do not know what these pains are, but I know that pain is not a good thing.  Everything I have read mentions pain in the first trimester as either gas (very likely) or ectopic (hopefully less likely). 

The pain is intermittent and runs down into my leg.  I know that there is pain associated with tendons stretching but that isn't supposed to be for another 6-8 weeks.  I don't want to  call the doctor and be a panicky crazy, but I am worried.  I know if there is anything wrong there isn't anything they can do anyway.  If it is ectopic, it is over, if there is nothing in there, it is over, if I miscarry, it is over. 

I am trying to at least be calm, but I am concerned.  I am hoping that since my HCG was so high, that I might be spared an ectopic or miscarriage, but there is no certainty. 

Joy of knowledge

I was thrilled with my numbers for a total of 3 days.  Now, thanks to Dr. Google I have the knowledge that high HCG numbers can also indicate Downs.  Thrill a minute at our household.

d17p3dt

Oh my!  Clinic called and told me that I needed to increase by 66% in order to be considered 'acceptable', so that puts me around 1700 or so.  I was hoping for 1800-1900, just because I am a teeny-tiny bit type-A.  Well, type-A be damned, my uterus has decided that it is type-A++.

My HCG is 2389 today.  Well more than doubled in 48 hours.  Next week on to ultrasound to see how many are in there.

Off for more research.  I might throw up, just a little.  But in a good way.

How is it only 1 day?

This 48 hour wait is so much harder for me than the 2ww.  I just traipsed through the 2ww, la la la, like Little Red Riding Hood skipping through the forest.  Now, knowing that I have something to lose, I am doing nothing but think about it.  We have been joking about the chance of twins or triplets, and either would be fine, but what if this ends up badly?  Like all the rest?  Researching 'twins' and "hcg" has given me a little help, with our number we are statistically in a very good place to come out with a healthy child at the end.  Maybe somewhere between 80 and 95%, but we have ended up on the wrong end of statistics so many times. 

Why should this time be any different?

d15p3dt

Well the double line was not a mirage!  b-HCG of 1061 today, and I go back in a couple of days for another test. 

I just feel so relieved, but there is a little tinge of sadness in there.  Now all my thoughts are regarding when I might lose this pregnancy.  It is so hard to just be happy and thrilled after all this frustration.  It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Right after I POAS'ed I was so excited and just wanted to call everyone and start telling them.  Of course I didn't, but I feel like I didn't because I don't fall into the normal people range.  Normal people get to announce their pregnancy on the first day of a missed period, but infertiles have to wait until everything is perfect, checked and rechecked.

Last pregnancy, that ended in miscarriage, started at 48 so we are better than that!  This place tests later though, so that isn't likely to be a fair test. 

Anyway, off to research b-HCG numbers for twins!  (just in case!!!)

(Lots of exclamation points today, I wonder why??)

d13p3dt

Well, I broke down this morning and POAS.  I couldn't help myself. 

I got my first ever strong double line.  I hope this isn't any of that 'residual' hcg sticking around.  Bloods on Monday for real confirmation.

Keep hoping.

d12p3dt

Its been almost a week and I am desperate for another distraction.  I am exhausted and sleeping a bunch during the day.  Not so much at night, but nice naps during the day.  Every night I try to go to bed around the same time, somewhere in the vicinity of 11pm.  Every night for at least a month now I wake up at around 2am, 4-4:30am, and 6:30am.  Then the alarm for meds goes off at 8am, so by then I am exhausted.  Apparently this is a side effect of my happy meds.  They interrupt REM sleep so you don't get as restful a night's sleep, but recently it became a routine.  Now I wake up at exactly the same times every night.  It bites. 

Also, I am at d12 and bloods are not until Monday.  I really don't think I can wait any longer.  I have pulled out a stick for tomorrow's pee.  I normally hate them with a passion and wait till bloods.  I have never seen a positive and so I think all sticks are cursed.  I would prefer to wait to have the 'official' word but I don't think I can make it.  We are having my nephew over this weekend and some friends on Sunday so I have some distractions, but I don't think it will be enough.

Help.

Way to make the 2ww fly by...

Well, first you have H's birthday be within the first week.  Then decide BEFORE SCHEDULING TREATMENT that you will throw a birthday party.  At your house, with everyone he works with, local friends, and, of course, family. 

Decide that 21 adults and 7 children of various ages can all be fed the same thing, then realize that you have some vegetarians, and some 'no red meat' people coming to your BBQ.

Realize also that if everyone gets a piece of 'birthday pie' you would need at least 4 pies, proceed to cut enough apples for 6, just in case.  Cut for most of the day, bake for most of the evening.

Receive package of meat in mail, (you didn't expect me to cook enough meat for a bazilion people did you?) and remember that you aren't suppoosed to be lifting heavy things.  Open box on porch and bring each piece of meat in one at a time. 

At the last second decide that you need to add enough non-meat items to a Texas-style BBQ in case everyone in a vegetarian.  

Be very happy that the last guests leave exactly 5 minutes before the shot and meds are scheuled.

Repeat as necessary to get through entire week 1.  Congratulations, halfway through!

Thanks everyone, for your support about the injection.  Turns out that H used a ginormous needle, instead of the nice delicate one I 'convinced' the clinic to let us use.  So the injection went in with a fire hose instead, so maybe the headache was from a super overdose of progesterone??  I don't know, but now H feels very relieved that he didn't 'kill our unborn children'.  His words, not mine.

d3p3dt, bad day

First of all, I woke up at 4am this morning with a splitting headache. I do not get headaches really, almost never, so one that woke me is concerning.

Also, last night during our progesterone shot, H mentioned that it all went it so much easier than normal and there was no blood. All apparently good things.

Except that when I checked the injection site, it was really low on my butt. Weird he has done this a bunch before so I didn't think we needed a refresher.

Then I realized that the only time I ever get headaches is after a cycle when my hormone levels come crashing down. So then I put it all together and realize that the progesterone went into the fat of my ass and not the muscle. So panic ensues.

We spoke to the fellow-on-call and the nurse and they each said it is probably alright but if this doesn't take I know H will blame himself completely.

d1p3dt

Today is the first full day of bed rest.  I am supposed to take it easy tomorrow as well, though this clinic is pretty lenient about this part.  I kind of agree, but am also so scared of losing whatever chance we have to actually get and stay pregnant. 

We had a grade 1, 8 cell embryo!  Seriously, they gave us a picture, I have never even seen one, nevermind one that came from us.  We also put in a grade 2 and 3, both 8 cells.  They were not supposed to put back 3 but i kinda pushed a little, due to the fact that this is the fifth IVF.  Dr was willing but made us both sign a paper stating that he explained that chance of triplets!  TRIPLETS, HA!  We can't seem to get one to take and he wants me to sign saying I understand the risk.

Like I understand it anyway, how can anyone even imagine the possibility of triplets when we have already had so many disappointments. 

I am trying to avoid anything that might affect my belly area at all, no coughing, no sneezing.  Seriously, I might be a nut, but whatever happens I want to be able to say that I did everything possible. 

I really hope at least one takes, two even.  Three would be daunting, but we would deal.

I am going to try to get H to scan the picture soon so I can post it.  He is already talking about trying to match the kid to the embryo when they are born.

God the fall from here would be absolutely devastating.  If this fails we will be destroyed.

Please work, grow embryos, grow.

d-2p3dt

Just got the call about fertilization results and I couldn't be more pleased or scared.  We only had 7 eggs, but 6 were mature.  That is way better than we have had in any other cycle.   Also, of the 6, 5 fertilized.

We have no idea yet about the quality of those embryos yet, and this is another stage where we always have some serious trouble, but I am feeling a little hopeful.  Unfortunately that is often the beginning of the big fall. 

D-3p3dt

Well today was the retrieval and things went both better and worse than expected.  H's numbers are much improved which is very very good news.  Unfortunately mine are dropping.  Of the 9 very large follicles there were only 7 eggs.  We don't know anything further yet. 

I hope things go well.

Day 12

Back again for another round of blood and ultrasounds.  Still only found 9, 4 on the right, 5 on the left.  None of the smaller guys caught up.  Still each of the 9 is between 17 and 20 so tonight is the HCG injection.  Unfortunately H is at a work dinner and I need to inject into my butt alone.  I am really no good at this.  I do all the other injections and pills etc, but I really need him to do the butt shot.  I find it to difficult, and the needle is so huge that I freak out about it. 

Still, I am almost done with the first phase of this cycle.  Now it is on to the retrieval. 

Day 8 and 10?????

I started my cycle really late in the day so what is scheduled as day 9 and 11 really seems to be days 8 and 10.

I got my blood and ultrasound on day 8. I was really disappointed and concerned about this cycle. I only had 3 eggs on the right and 1 on the left. My E2 level was 510. I don't know if that is good or not. They were each 12 or 13 mm. Which isn't bad, since they were all at the same size. I always have a bunch that are runaways and they mature long before any of the rest. I went back in today and found that there are now 4 on the right between 14 and 16. I also have 5 on the left that are between 13 and 16 with an E2 of ~930. At least we now can see some hope.

It doesn't seem to make sense, but who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth??

I thought I would be back tomorrow, but I am not to return until day 12. I don't have enough medicine to get me though till then. I hope I can get an emergency delivery tomorrow.

I do have a video that cheered me up last night. I guess a lot of people have seen this but I hadn't seen it till last night and have been singing it all day. By the way, please don't play this at work, or at least turn down the volume.

Lupron, anyone?

I seem to have two extra boxes of 14-day lupron. They are unexpired and seem to over-down regulate me. If anyone is looking for any meds, let me know.

Spotting to starting

I spoke to my nurse who explained that since I was on such a short first cycle, I might only spot as a period so I went to my US as scheduled.  Well, about 5pm I started REALLY bleeding.  At least I now for sure that I am cleaned out for a new cycle I guess, but there was certainly no spotting.  As I said, I have an entirely new protocol which includes all new medicines.  Most of which I have never taken before.  So I inject one of them this morning into my leg as usual and immediately feel like a bruise.  No big deal, sometimes I bruise, well this proceeded to become actual real pain and difficulty walking.  I thought that a little walk around the neighborhood would be a good idea to get the medicine moving into my body and out of my leg, so I went for a 3 mile walk.  Normally when I go for a walk I try to do around 5 miles, so it feels like 'exercise' but I was in such pain that I had to come home early. 

Great, there are only 10-13 more days of this medicine.  Yay.

Beginning IVF #5

Today the spotting begins.  My cycle is starting and I need to get my first US tomorrow.  I am terribly nervous and a little teary.  I am doubling up on Acupuncture and Massage for the next couple of weeks to help 'calm' me.  I don't know that it works that way but at least while I am there I am allowed to sit in a blank quiet room nothing but a warm lamp on and some light music.  I do find that I get to drift a little during that part, though the last massage has left some significant bruising. 

This is not a joke.  I had trouble sleeping the first night because every time I turned over, I woke myself up with a stabbing pain.  I am hoping that a hot bath and another massage (with some rules set!) might help. 

I am worried about the spotting as I am not really at day 1, but I spoke to the nurse and since I am on a short course of BC and am only 2 weeks into my cycle, she doesn't expect much more than spotting.  I don't know.  This whole cycle is so different from any that we have done previously.  That could be good or not.  I have no idea. 

The old clinic sent a letter recently to say that the Dr who was our guy is no longer with the facility.  Of course there is no 'reason' associated with his leaving, but I would guess that all the bad  press lately couldn't have been helpful.

I don't know what I will do if this is another failed cycle.  I am not sure if I can handle another massive failure.  Even medicated. 

Latest news

Just got an announcement from a friend that she is pregnant, with her third.  I don't think I am dosed appropriately to deal with this.

Scotland review

Here are the photos from our trip. There are around 1100 more but I didn't think you would appreciate that. I tried to post these another way and I am not happy with how it posted. I made them a bit large, so please let me know if this is a problem. Also, please don't click on the thumbnail. It will load a completely different page and that is kind of a pain. I haven't been thrilled with loading to Flickr, so if you can tell me another way to load photos I would greatly appreciate it.

This is only funny to some specific people, but H and I like it!

img_3689

This is the William Wallace memorial, in front of it is the ugliest statue of Mel Gibson from Braveheart. It is ridiculous, but absolutely a riot. The memorial is really pretty though.

This castle was under construction and right off the side of the road. It was so cool but we got kicked out really quickly as it was a 'construction site'. This was one of only a few that we could get before getting in trouble.

Here come some of the Highland Games. These were awesome. This is the Caber Toss, which is big stick These are the GIRLS.

These are the men. The Caber is 200 pounds, more or less. There is a goal of getting the pointy end as close to 12 o'clock as possible, but really who cares!!? Just the lifting, grunting, running, and throwing is enough for me!

This is a FIRE PREVENTION DISPLAY. This was done by the firemen to encourage FIRE SAFETY. I am sure that worked. You can't read the note next to the fire, but it says "Next Demonstration 8:30ish".

H is not a little guy, but he looks like a total peanut next to the Games competitors.

Outside of a B&B we stayed at, on one of our last nights.

img_2818

It seems that all (most?) of the churches have a wooden roof. Unfortunately this is what happens when that church falls into disrepair. Yes, that is grass where the roof ought to be.

Wedding day, H and I, and the site, inside and out.

Street performers in Edinborough.

Many things are deep fried in Edinbourgh. Including pizza. Or a candy bar that you bought at the convenience store next door. That the guy lets you fry up all by your self! So not the most flattering photo, but it was too amusing not to post.