Wishing and Waiting

10 month, halloween party

2008-10-18T19:14:00.001-05:00

10 months old

2008-10-18T17:43:00.001-05:00

My little guy turned 10 months old yesterday and went to a costume party with some friends.

9 Months

2008-09-18T20:30:00.001-05:00

Yesterday my little man turned 9 months old. We had his well-child visit and found him to be 50% for weight and head circumference and 75% for height.

He is such a funny little wonderful man. He makes all sorts of silly faces at us, he scrunches up his face and blows raspberries. He growls and attacks me like a little monster. I call him baby-zilla, attacking the tokyo-mama-city, but when I fight back then I become the mom-ra. We are silly together and he laughs out loud whenever you surprise him or he surprises me.

He has been teething for approximately forever. His bottom two teeth are in and one of the top. The other top is still trying to break through. Because he is teething he sometimes bites me while he is nursing. Without fail he bites me and then laughs. He has a big smile and a throaty laugh. Heh heh. It is too funny, though not usually immediately.

He is cruising on everything. He even stood in the middle of the room the other day, not holding on to anything besides his sippy cup, lifted the cup and drank from it. Then he chose to sit down. He didn't fall, he sat. He is starting to scare me. He is so mobile and so fast.

He is loving, especially to other babies. He will cuddle almost any time, though he prefers to be crawling in between the cuddling.

These last few weeks have been better for me. I am starting to get a routine down with work and home that is working. I still don't have any time to work out or lose this 'baby fat' but that will come, I hope.

Next week H and I will have been together for 10 years. It all amazes me.

Working mama

2008-09-09T14:18:00.000-05:00

I have just been reviewing my life a little today. I realized that since I have gotten settled into work a little bit more that I haven't taken many pictures of the baby. He is changing so much all the time, but my time seems to short with him that stopping for a camera has fallen by the wayside.

I realize that I need to work on balance for my life to work out. I enjoy working, my job is challenging and interesting but I also love my child and don't want to miss out or forget so much. I didn't even post a specific 8 month post. I kept thinking about one since there have been so many changes but then the month just got too far along.

I have also been dealing with a bit of depression. This month has made me so sad. I felt like I have been abandoning my child. Like he is going to forget me, and love the au pair instead. The au pair is wonderful and she loves him. I do not worry about her, just that he will grow confused about our relationship. It has been very difficult, but has finally gotten better. Even H was worried about me and usually he is not very observant about things like that.

I (mostly) know that my fears are groundless but when I am in a bad place I can't turn my mind from them.

I am in a better spot mentally and emotionally this week, so now is when I need to make the changes to keep me on an even keel. I will post next week for a 9 month post. I promise myself and my child.

Guess who?!

2008-08-15T07:28:00.001-05:00

Was found this morning standing up in his crib? Holding on to the railing, but fully and comfortably standing in his crib? Another hint? He isn't even 8 months old yet.

More things we eat

2008-08-14T18:33:00.001-05:00

Sweet potato
Salmon
Haddock
Manioc? (Fried Yuca?) Some kind of brazilian root vegetable that is usually fried.

Things we eat!

2008-08-13T20:15:00.002-05:00

I am going to start a list of the things my little man will eat. I want to save this list for when he is 2 and refuses to eat anything. These are all things he has eaten from our plates, usually with a lot of screaming if we put the fork in our own mouths.

chicken
black beans
kidney bean
rice
green beans
red peppers
green peppers
hamburger
steak
corn
sushi (started with eel, then an entire california roll, then salmon)
lamb
potatoes
belgian waffle with chocolate sauce/vanilla sauce, whip cream and ice cream
blueberry pancakes
ice cream
iced coffee (decaf)
iced tea
brownies
chocolate cake
lemon slices
orange slices
limes slices

seriously, we haven't found anything he doesn't want to eat. The only time he complains is if it doesn't come off my plate. If I try to give him something from a baby food jar he whines, but if I put the baby food over grilled chicken he is totally happy. If I think of anything else, I will update this list.

7 months

2008-07-17T13:52:00.002-05:00

Today, my handsome little man, you are seven months old.

This month has been a month of transitions. You have started to change from a little baby to a little boy. You have gotten so big and so many of the things you did for the first 6 months are fading away.

We used to be able to put you down and know that you would be in the same spot when we returned. Now you roll and crawl everywhere.

We used to put you in your crib on your belly to sleep and find you in the same place in the morning. Now when we come in you are sitting straight up crying to be picked up.

Mama has gone back to work, and you have a new au pair. She is wonderful and loves you so very much. This week has been tough for everyone with me transitioning to full time. You wouldn't take your naps for the au pair, you seemed fine and happy with her, but as soon as I come home you start crying and hollering.

You want to do nothing but nurse when I am home, and you are not sleeping well in the night either. I hope this is all due to the change of routine and that you will settle back into your normal happy routine.

Right around 6 months you started sleeping through the night on occasion. Even if you didn't sleep through the night, you only woke once or twice. This week you have been waking up so often, or just not going back to sleep after nursing. You have been nursing almost constantly through the night for the last several days.

I hope the nursing will comfort you and reassure you that mama loves you and she isn't leaving you. I do love you, I will always come back. I miss you every moment while I am at work.

Love you forever,
Mama

Mother of the Year AND Hostess of the Year

2008-07-08T13:22:00.003-05:00

Well this weekend I won all sorts of awards. I had a cookout with friends and family on the fourth. It was fun but a bit stressful. We ended up having 30 or 40 people and fireworks! There might have been about 50 lbs of meat, and pretty much all of it was consumed.

Not only did we have friends over we had them STAY over. The evening of the 4th my house had 8 adults and 3 children. These 8 adults include my mother in law and a new au pair who has know been in our house for 4 days.

That night, apparently, I slept through Sebastian crying. I wake up every night yet that one night, when I have everyone I know sleeping in my house, I sleep through my son's crying.

There were 2 mothers with sub-6 year olds, and they both kept coming up the stairs to check and then rethinking it. They were afraid I was letting him cry it out, and they would be undermining my authority but instead we all just let him cry.

Apparently he cried for 10 minutes or so then put himself back to sleep until the morning.

Yep, mom of the year AND hostess of the year. I rock!!

6 1/2 months

2008-07-01T10:07:00.004-05:00

I have been trying to write a six month post for almost 2 weeks now. There is so much I want to say and so much I am having trouble with.

For the few days before my little man turned 6 months old, he was sleeping through the night, or mostly through the night. It was a nice transition and very welcome. Then he got his vaccinations and stopped. He went back to waking up every few hours. It was difficult. I don't know if my diet wasn't sufficient for him to feel full or if there was another transition going on that was interrupting his sleep.

Either way life was a bit tough. Napping was intermittent and irregular. I was sleeping almost every time the baby was. It was nice in some ways, and difficult in others.

Also, at the same time, I got hurt. I had an accident about 10 years ago that made me very nervous about physical activity. It was somewhat serious, but could have been much much much worse. I have finally gotten back into physical activity with pressure from a friend. I had been taking karate with her for about a month when I got kicked.

It was incredibly painful and was during practice. We weren't sparring, I was standing still while another student practiced a move. When he kicked me in the arm the pain was blinding. Within 24 hours I had an enormous bruise that went all the way down the inside of my arm.

From my previous accident I have nerve damage in that arm, so I am still having pain flares. Almost immediately my mind began coursing through the options and issues. If I have to go to the hospital, what signs to look for if something goes wrong, where do I take the baby if I need to go to the hospital, what happens to the baby if a blood clot goes to my lung.

It was debilitating and horrible. I was sunk into despair and fear for more than a week. I have begun to get myself under control, but it has not been fun nor easy. The worst thing is that the baby has been so good for these 2 weeks. He has begun sitting up and crawling. His crawling is not graceful yet, but he get pretty much get anywhere he wants to go.

He has been changing and growing at such an amazing rate and I want to enjoy it. He is so funny and new every day, while I sit in anxiety about leaving the house or anything that might cause me to get hurt again. My fear is that if I get hurt, it will be a devastating hurt, like a loss of limb or complete incapacitation. Things are getting better, and most days I think things are under control and then there will be a wash of anxiety that flows through my mind that I feel will drown me.

Sebastian is beautiful, wonderful and becoming such a chubby little man. Me, on the other hand? I am a precariously balanced emotional house of cards. Any little disturbance could bring the whole thing down.

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

2008-06-13T10:16:00.002-05:00

Wow, our very first real Sleep-through-the-night. Sebastian went down at around 7:30 last night and slept till 7am. It was wonderful. We did get up once or twice to check on him but mostly there was sleeping on all sides.

The only other time he really slept through was after vaccinations, which I don't really count.

How do you make that happen again?? Can you imagine, 2 nights of sleep!?! In a row?!? Or even within a week of each other!?! Seriously, are we talking about nirvana here?

Sleeping

2008-06-06T10:19:00.002-05:00

Apparently it isn't sleep that begets sleep. Apparently it is a whole day of skipped naps.

Last night the baby slept from 7:30pm to 4:30am. It would have been wonderful had we not woken up at 2am waiting for him to start crying. Since I was missing my own oxytocin hit, I was awake until 3:30am and then finally fell asleep again.

Then an hour later, the baby remembered us.

Whoever said...

2008-06-05T18:58:00.001-05:00

"Sleep begets sleep" was a dirty stinking liar!

Mama

2008-06-03T08:40:00.002-05:00

Today, for the first time, Sebastian said Mama.

H was there, he was holding the baby when Sebastian looked at me and said Mama. It was so cute, exciting and sweet. I know that he probably doesn't understand that that is my name. I know that he meant it to get onto the boob, but still it was clear, it was directed at me and it was wonderful.

Love you little one.

Did I mention I am in love?

2008-05-26T19:27:00.001-05:00

5 Months

2008-05-20T18:39:00.002-05:00

Sebastian

You turned 5 months old this weekend. We spent the day in the city with Daddy and had a wonderful time. You are getting so funny. You giggle all the time and always smile when you wake up for the day.

You are getting so dexterous with your hands. You can pick up a pacifier and place it in your mouth, though not always the correct direction.

I didn't realize how much I would love you. Some days I look at your chubby little face and feel so overwhelmed. All I want to do is tickle your belly and hear that belly laugh. Your smiles and giggles are the most amazing part of my day.

I am going back to work. I need to go to work, but it is killing me that I will have to leave you. I know it is better for me to work, but that doesn't mean I am not going to miss you terribly. We have found an incredible au pair for you though and I think you are going to love her. I just don't want you to love her more than you love me.

You are sleeping now, and have been sleepy all day. The last several days have been very overwhelming for you. We have seen lots of friends and stayed out well past your bedtime. Even though I know you need your sleep, all I want to do it pick you up and hold you. I just want to hug you and cuddle you.

Today was the real decision to go back to work. I won't be going back for a few more weeks, but still the actual decision has been put in place. If I don't go back now I will really hurt myself in ever getting another job.

I took the cutest video of you today. You were asking for your mobile and when it was turned on you were so excited. I will add the video when I download it. Your hands and feet started flailing about with the music. Your mobiles make you so happy. I didn't expect you to enjoy them, but you do.

You are a wonderful, sweet, beautiful baby and mommy loves you very much.

Love you forever,
Mommy

Mother's Day

2008-05-14T10:56:00.002-05:00

My very first mother's day was, a bit anticlimactic.

It was a nice calm day and the baby behaved beautifully, so that was good.

A good friend bought me flowers and a card specific for 'first mom's day'. That was incredibly thoughtful.

My mom got me a gift certificate to a store I don't really shop at that is closer to her house than mine. And my sister never called at all.

I told my friend that I was a little disappointed in my mother. Her response was that no one even mentioned her first mother's day. Not her mother, father, HUSBAND! She thought I should be grateful that it was noted at all.

And now I am.

Trouble brewing

2008-05-01T17:42:00.000-05:00

4 and 1/3 months

2008-04-27T15:05:00.001-05:00

Honey-pie, pumpkin-pie, love-nugget, sweetness,

I am late for this months posting. This months has been exciting and wonderful and a little busy.

We had to go to a funeral for a friend's mother and met some wonderful people. We took care of a 2 year old for a couple of days while her parents thought they would be having her brother. It is now a week later and still no baby brother.

You have been so incredible this month. You have started to pay attention to the book when we read. You look at the pictures. You only sit still for about 3 minutes but it is beautiful. You are rolling around and can turn over, almost on demand. You choose not to use your arms to turn over, instead you scooch your feet under your butt until it gets high enough to pull you over. It is so funny.

Your 4-month appointment has you at 26 inches long (85%ile), 15lbs (55%) and 42 cm head circumference (50%).

You have learned to scream, really using those lungs, to let me know how you really feel about having to wait an extra 6 minutes to eat. You are displeased. I get that.

You are a good napper now, which I never expected.

You are starting rice cereal and you are sucking it down. You will take 3 tablespoons of cereal with 3-5 ounces of milk and you are still looking for the spoon.

I was a little sad when we started the feeding process. You really love it and I am happy about that, but I thought we would just be breastfeeding for a while longer. You still nurse, but you need me a little less. That feels a little painful. I knew it would happen but I expected it around college, not at 4 months. You are napping now, and I miss you so much.

I am thinking about going back to work. My boss and I spoke this week and if I want to go back I need to make the decision soon. I do want to work, but I don't want to leave you. I feel like I am a little bit of a failure if I am not here with you, and also if I do not work and create something. I don't know what I should do, I don't want to miss anything but I realize I can't have everything.

You smile and laugh everytime you see daddy which he loves. You look at him like he is wonderful and it is perfect to see.

Love you forever,
mama

Rolling machine!!

2008-04-09T11:50:00.001-05:00

Oh my!! Now Sebastian can roll over in both directions from his belly! And he has once gone from back to belly once!

I am so amazingly excited. He has gone from belly to back 9 times in 24 hours. It seems like 3 of them were to the left and the rest to the right.

3 and 2/3 months?

2008-04-07T15:32:00.001-05:00

Guess what my little man did today!! He rolled over from his belly to his back. All by himself. Then I put him back to try to video it for daddy and that is where the screaming began.

Oh well, it was so cool though.

Au Pair

2008-03-31T18:18:00.000-05:00

This week has been interesting. I have planned to post several times. Each time I think I am ready to post something else occurs and throws me for another loop.

We were so excited last week. We had been having trouble trying to find an au pair. We have been looking on and off for several months. I have been planning to go back to work at some point though I do not have a specific date. I had been a contractor at my last position but had been hoping to be hired as a full time person. So far that hasn't occurred. Of course that means that I don't know what I will do for employment. I am not 100% sure that I am ready to go back to work anyway. I want to work but maybe not full time? The confusion is not clearing up yet. I am still so tired from not sleeping that I don't even know how to make a decision yet.

The baby has been getting better about sleeping during the night. He was sleeping from around 8pm till 3 or 4 am. That 4am has been inching up again and now we are somewhere between 12:30 and 2am. If I don't go to sleep until around 11 that doesn't leave a very big chunk of time for me. Also once he wakes up he feeds every hour or 2. I don't mind, but I am so tired that I am a little fuzzy-brained and maybe not the best decision maker around.

We have been searching for an au pair and not having a lot of luck. The ones we have liked have not been interested in living so far away from the city. Finally our coordinator told us about a woman who was not far. She had been with 2 other families that didn't work out, but the coordinator did not feel that these were necessarily the au pairs fault. We spoke to her and she seemed very nice. We also spoke with the family that she was staying with. This was a different family than the ones she had been with, they were the family of another au pair that allowed her to stay with them. The mother also didn't feel the girl was at fault, apparently the first family had some issue with domestic violence or something and the girl didn't want to stay there. Then the next family apparently didn't respect her time and yelled at her a lot.

The girl is very quiet and apparently the second family have strong personalities. All this seemed reasonable to us. So we agreed that she could come join us for a temporary position and then see how things worked out. The first several days seemed fine, she got along well with the baby and she was very responsive to his needs. We seemed to get along well also.

Then on Thursday she started crying after dinner. She said she felt that we didn't like her, that she wasn't good with the baby. That people were looking at her. That we talked about her. It was so weird. I was floored. I asked H to come join our conversation because I didn't feel we were communicating. We talked and never felt that we truly cleared things up. We tried to explain that until that moment we had been pleased with how things had been going.

Friday I asked her how she felt, she said fine, but she seemed tense. I chalked it up to stress after a difficult evening. I left her a car and took the baby to playgroup. The next morning she said she wanted to go home to Thailand. I was shocked but I said fine, of course. We were out all day and again on Sunday.

When we finally came home we found that she was gone. She had packed up and left. We have no idea where she went.

I was so upset. So disappointed. I can't believe that she would leave the baby. How could she care for my son for a week and just leave him like that? I just can't understand it at all.

Giggle King

2008-03-19T17:02:00.001-05:00

I finally got giggles! I am going to have to figure out how to tape them.

3 Months

2008-03-18T20:43:00.001-05:00

Dear Sebastian

You turned 3 months old yesterday. I look at you in amazement. You have gotten so big and heavy that everyday I think you cannot get any bigger. You seem to be around 16 lbs now and we saw your friend Eliot yesterday who weighs 13 and is 3 weeks younger. He felt so light to me.

You are a big boy, and usually happy. Except for yesterday when I tried to surprise daddy with a photo from babies r us. You wouldn't sit still, smile, or even look at the nice woman with the camera. Next time we will have to bring daddy since he is the only one who can consistently make you smile.

You have just started to laugh too. Again daddy is the only one you will do it for consistently but I love the sound. It is so amazingly funny.

You grabbed your pacifier for the first time just a couple of days ago. You still can't put it in or near your mouth, but you did grab it and pick it up.

I can't help but love you.

I have laryngitis today so our time together has been very quiet, which confuses you, I hope to have my voice back soon so we can start to play and read again.

Love, Mommy

Favorite Pic

2008-03-03T09:07:00.002-05:00

go to flickr
At least right this second.

Sleeping

2008-02-28T20:16:00.001-05:00

We are desperately attempting to teach Sebastian how to sleep, preferably on his own, but certainly for a relatively long period of time.

This has been going on for about a week. Generally he only sleeps when he is lying on top of someone. If he does get put down he usually wakes up within 5 minutes. This makes accomplishing anything a bit difficult. It is like he is lonely and likes to be held or nearby someone. That someone can really be anyone, but is usually me.

For the last week we have been attempting to add a 'routine' into his evening so he knows that it is bedtime and sleep in his own crib. The first night was amazingly painful, for everyone, he howled and cried for ever. We kept going in and rubbing his back, occasionally picking him up and generally trying to reassure him. The second night was so much easier. I thought we were doing great. He was starting to understand what to do and he was ok with the crib. HA.

The next night we had SIL, BIL, and nephew over and Sebastian didn't sleep much during the day at all. Then the night came and the misery started. He would calm down, he wouldn't relax at all. I nursed him several times trying to get him calm enough to fall asleep and he would eat, then scream again. We all took turns trying to calm him and hours later, he finally fell asleep. The next day he slept almost the whole day. He napped from noon to 7pm with only short alert breaks for nursing.

We have had different amounts of luck over the next few nights, then tonight, I fed him, placed him in the crib, and rubbed his back for a minute. He is asleep now, calm and beautiful.

Lets hope he stays down and this is the beginning of a new trend.

Two Months

2008-02-18T17:30:00.001-05:00

This month has been an exciting one. We have moved house. You have gotten your first set of vaccinations. We have joined a new playgroup with other babies your age.

You are now 12 lbs. You are such a big beautiful boy. You still love to sleep on mama as often as you can. You are incredibly alert. Your eyes are always looking for something interesting. I feel like I don't do enough to stimulate you, but I am concerned about over-stimulating you too. I want you to be interested in the world, but not hyper-active with no attention span. So far you are amazing, you can play on your gym mat staring at the animals for several minutes at a time. Your legs are kicking the whole time you are checking out the rattle-ring overhead.

You cry infrequently. You are generally a happy baby. You holler for food very often, some days every hour. You cry when you are sleepy, but can't calm yourself to sleep. Otherwise you are pretty calm. You fuss when you are bored or lonely, but if you are held you are quiet as a mouse. You love to be cuddled and held and hate to be left alone. You still don't like to sleep by yourself which we are starting to work on.

You have gotten so big over the last few weeks. You are almost always hungry and some days we can see your head grow. Your eyelashes are getting so long and your hands are so much bigger than when you were born.

You amaze me every day. I can just sit for hours and stare at you. Even when I should be sleeping. We are both still only getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time, which is definitely difficult, but amazingly worth it.

It took us over three years and 6 IVF cycles to find you but you are so worth it. I look back on that time and see how angry and sad I was. I can still feel the pain, but it is like a memory of the pain. Sometimes in our playgroup I will 'complain' about how tired I am or how hard it can be, but I am playacting. I am tired, and there are hard things, but after all the stress and anxiety of infertility to get here, this is nothing. I complain because all the mothers do and I want to fit in. I want them to believe we are just a normal family with the normal issues, and we are, but I don't begrudge you any of the exhaustion. I am amazed at how much I enjoy being tired, being confused about how to keep you interested, learning how to help you sleep/eat/play.

My OB was considered a high risk practice. A friend made a comment that she felt it was dumb that I felt the need to go to a high risk practice 'just because it was difficult to get pregnant'. I was angry with her since my pregnancy with you was not always cake and ice cream, our hcg numbers didn't double as expected, I bled for 3.5 weeks, I was always in a panic that I would miscarry again. Then I realized that while I told her about our difficulties getting pregnant I never once told her about any issues while I was pregnant. I was so happy to get to each new stage of my pregnancy. I only cared about getting to the next week, getting the next ultrasound, seeing your tiny heart beat steadily at 140 bpm.

I didn't complain because I didn't feel like I had anything to complain about. I was finally pregnant, it was relatively uneventful, I got a beautiful son.

I know there are people who are still upset about infertility and I am sure that when/if we need to go back to the doctor to begin again it will be difficult. It will be difficult, but different. I would like a larger family, but if I never have any more children I can look at you and say that I am happy with what I have received.

I look at you with wonder and amazement. I can't believe how much love I can feel for one tiny little human. I want to protect and love you and show you the world.

Favorite things

2008-01-31T16:32:00.001-05:00

One of my favorite things about having a child. When he is a little fussy and fidgety (sp?), I sometimes can pick him up and he just settles right into my shoulder. He just breathes out and calms down immediately, almost asleep as soon as his head touches my neck. It is a wonderful feeling, right before the big, wet fart that rumbles against the hand holding his butt.

6w2d, changes

2008-01-30T16:36:00.001-05:00

Sebastian is changing so much this week. He is now alert for much longer, which is bad for my napping schedule, but cool to watch.

He actually fell asleep on his activity mat today for about 5 minutes, maybe 8 minutes. This is a huge step. He hasn't slept on his back yet, until this morning. He also slept in his car seat, on the floor for almost 2 hours yesterday. That was amazing. I didn't get much done since I just kept waiting for him to stir and end the nap. Every other day had been either a 3 minute nap, or a long nap that he had to be held throughout.

I had my 6 week appointment on Monday and all went well. It was funny though, I am really bad about any sort of gyno stuff. I get anxious every time they go to do a pap that I tense up and make it that much more uncomfortable and difficult. Still it has to be done and apparently had to be done on Monday. The nurse said that if I thought it would help she would put the baby on my chest during the exam as a distraction. He was calm so I didn't want to disturb him.

As soon as she put the speculum in and I tensed up, he started screaming. He continued crying the entire exam and calmed as soon as the exam was over. I know he probably had a burp or something that irritated him, but it felt nice that he seemed to sympathize with me. The nurse commented that he was 'in tune' with my feelings. Sure, and the fart that was building in his butt.

Still, he is wonderful and beautiful.

One Month

2008-01-18T09:58:00.001-05:00

My beautiful baby boy turned one month old yesterday. It has been an exciting, exhausting month for everyone.

I love his mouth, his cheeks, all his chins, and even all the rolls on his neck. He is such a good boy for mommy. He isn't the best sleeper yet, but any fussing can be solved by a hug from mommy.

When he is sleeping he is beautiful and so sweet. When he is awake he is alert and attentive. He stares at everything right now.

Once in a while it almost looks like we are getting a smile, but he often smiles in his sleep. I would love to know what he dreams about. (I would guess poop and the boob).

I love this new little being so much. I fear every minute that something might hurt him. Every gurgle and cough needs to be checked to make sure he continues breathing. I worry that I will fail him somehow, yet all I want to do is give him everything he wants.

I will try to update with some pictures later if I can get a nap myself.

Although, something cool...

2008-01-13T18:21:00.001-05:00

At 5:26am this morning, my son learned to focus on our faces and follow our motion. It was so incredibly cool.

Noon would have also been cool, but I guess we can't ask for everything.

Longest nap yet

2008-01-13T17:38:00.001-05:00

The last several days have been ones of eating on one side, falling asleep for 10 minutes or less, then feeding on the other side. Repeat in 1 hour or less.

Finally today he slept for several hours, only as long as he was kept in the Baby Bjorn. He won't sleep if he is not attached to a human. He will not sleep on the floor, in the bassinet, anywhere.

And, no, I didn't sleep with him. That would have been too easy. I did finally get to eat an entire meal though.

This is going to take a while.

Babies...

2008-01-11T19:08:00.001-05:00

...eventually sleep, right?

For longer than 45 minutes?

Please?

2 week birthday (new years eve), birth story

2007-12-30T14:58:00.001-05:00

Ok, I understand that I am supposed to be tired. Everyone told me I would be tired, I accept that. What I am having trouble with is the level of bone-aching tiredness that has been the last week. This weekend has finally started to get better and I am now truly up and about so I think (hope) that we are on an upswing.

Anyway, lets start at the beginning.

I had a lot of reasons for wanting a c-section. I have a real anxiety about labor. I have a deep-seated fear that I will freak out during labor and make the entire experience much worse that it has to be. I had spoken to my dr about this and asked that some sort of calming agent be available. He said that was perfectly acceptable but that since I was so open about talking about my anxiety and fears he didn't really believe that I had much of a problem. He felt that those with the real issues are those who deny there is a problem, or don't recognize when they are in the throws of an anxiety attack. H was sitting with me during this appointment and he made a face at me like, "He doesn't really know you very well".

Another reason for a c-section, I have had two miscarriages. In each of these, nothing happened. I never started bleeding, I never felt any cramps, nothing. I had a real concern that my body wouldn't really know how to go into labor.

Oh, and I didn't want to have my baby on xmas. That just seemed so unfair to him.

Anyway, my dr was fine with all my reasons and allowed us to schedule. We were scheduled for 39w1d. This put us at Dec 17, and if I went into labor naturally I would have just attempted to have a natural birth, but if I hadn't gone into labor by that date, we would have the c-section. Having a plan, an end point, was so incredibly helpful. It made everything fall into place. We had all our xmas shopping and shipping done. All the cards had been sent, an email list was created for the birth announcement. I just felt like I had a level of control that I needed.

My appointment was scheduled for 12:30pm, things were running a little behind but nothing surprising. My BIL is a resident at a different hospital, but he did tell me a few things to expect from the spinal which was really good. I got the spinal and immediately started to feel nauseas and dizzy. It was pretty horrible, apparently your blood pressure can drop which makes you feel this way. As soon as I mentioned it, they started another medicine in the line which increases your blood pressure, it took about 5 full minutes to really work, which felt like forever, but once it did work I felt so much better.

I could tell they were cutting, but not really where, it felt like they were cutting higher on my belly than where the scar actually is, so perhaps most of what I was feeling was the pressure from their hands and the retractors. H got some video of the 'experience' but so far I have refused to watch it. I guess he saw them pull out my intestines or something to get at the baby. I didn't really get a lot of detail there.

We were told that as long as things went well, they would remove the baby, show him to me, wipe him off and give him to me or H to hold while finishing up all the cleaning out and closing up. Well, that isn't exactly what happened. There was a sheet hung up between me and my belly so I couldn't see any bloodiness, and when they finally got the nugget out, the dr said 'Look up, look up look up, here is your son!" He basically flashed the baby at me for barely a second and then immediately brought him to a table I couldn't see. It was very quiet, at this point there was no baby crying.

They had to suction his lungs and give him oxygen. He wasn't really breathing and no one would tell us anything. They let me see him again after a few minutes when he was a bit better, but he hadn't 'passed' the Apgar tests, so they brought him to the NICU for a half an hour. As far as NICU visits go, a 30 minute visit is not bad. I think they just wanted a bit of privacy and quiet to get a real sense of what kind of trouble he was having with breathing. For the next day or so, he was still 'wheezy', which they call grunting, but if he was held upright the sound stopped.

We basically kept him in our room the entire 4-day stay except for the first night. They nurses wanted to keep him in the nursery to be able to listen to him breathe during the night. They just wanted to make sure the fluid was clearing from his lungs. We had agreed that we wanted to try breastfeeding. I know that the milk doesn't come in right away but still the nugget was losing weight and quickly. Each nurse had a different suggestion as to how to hold him, latch him, everything. It was a little confusing but still everyone was very kind.

He was born at 8lbs 8oz, and by the third day he was 7lb 8.6oz. At this point, we were told to begin to add formula as my milk still hadn't come in. We added 1/2-1 oz after each feeding. We left the hospital on Friday afternoon and had our first pediatrician appointment on Saturday morning. By this point, my milk had finally come in, and his weight had gone to 7lb 15.5oz. Basically he had gained half a pound in about 30 hours. We were told we could stop the formula and just breastfeed for the near future.

By this point though, breastfeeding was so painful. I was cut and bleeding and it was not a pleasant experience. It is still getting better, but really there is still pain whenever he feeds.

We are still going in for weigh-ins at the pediatrician's. He is not gaining weight consistently yet. I think the formula really put us in a weird situation. He gained too much weight, too quickly and now we are trying to re-normalize what his weight gain really is. Part of the problem might be that I wasn't able to eat very much for a few days. He was feeding so frequently and for so long, that I never had the time to make food or eat anything. Apparently this makes breastmilk be 'skim' since there isn't really anything spare to put in it, making him need to feed more frequently. This got to be a brutal loop that we are trying very hard to break.

I lost 15 lbs while in the hospital, and another 5 in the next five days at home. This seems a little quick to me, so I am trying to be more conscientious about my intake.

Things are starting to settle in a little bit. He is a beautiful angel and becoming far more alert every day. He slept every minute he wasn't eating at first but now he eats and then is alert for a little while before falling asleep. He is already a little spoiled. He does not like to be put down at all. If he is not eating, he still wants to be held. This makes showering and going to the bathroom a little complicated. It is alright though. He is totally worth it.

His name is Sebastian, he is mommy's little angel.

Welcome to the world! Happy 1 week birthday!!!

2007-12-24T16:58:00.001-05:00

Our son arrived on December 17, at 1:40pm via c-section. Today he is 7 days old. He is beautiful and we are so very happy and excited.

It has been a crazy exciting week, and I want to update everyone on the birth experience and the last few days.

I am working on the post now, but there is a lot of sleeping I am working on so it might take another day or two to get posted.

38w3d, Belly pix!

2007-12-12T22:03:00.000-05:00

Ok, here goes! I am wearing the same pants in each picture and look at how low they need to ride to be on the latest pictures! I think I am cutting off some circulation here.

Anyway, that is the last of the belly pictures, next up is either labor or c-section. Nugget was very active tonight. I don't think he wants to be inside any longer. He is ready to escape.

38w3d, Sorry, false alarm

2007-12-12T16:45:00.001-05:00

We had a bunch of trouble trying to get the photos uploaded and that is why the belly retrospective is pending.

That and the fact that other than working and doing laundry for the best dressed, unborn child ever, I am sleeping. That is my entire life.

Still no signs of nugget. He is very content to hang out as long as mommy lets him. No contractions, no nothing.

Except for some bleeding after an internal. We are 50% effaced with 0 dilation. At least we are heading in the correct direction.

Oh, and we are getting a sleet/ice warning for tomorrow and a potential Nor-easter for the weekend. H is in a panic about getting to the hospital. It is very sweet and cute.

37w6d, Last belly picture tomorrow!

2007-12-08T08:55:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow we take the last belly picture. I will need to load it and then will post it. I might even post another time-line of belly pix if I am feeling industrious.

37w3d, Favorite pregnancy symptom

2007-12-05T12:39:00.001-05:00

I have had a favorite pregnancy symptom for the whole pregnancy. It is blood when I blow my nose. Obviously I love feeling the nugget move and everything, but a bloody nose was an early symptom and it has been consistent. So even when I was concerned or doubting, if there was blood in the tissue when I blew my nose, it was calming.

Till yesterday. I have only had a couple of real bloody noses. Mostly it is just a little blood in the tissue, not actual flow. Till yesterday. At work. Mid-conversation with a colleague, I felt my nose was getting runny. When it started to feel a little drippy I grabbed a tissue. By the time I got it to my face, his face had already fallen and he was asking 'are you alright?'. That was when I knew the runny nose, was not really runny, but plain old bloody.

Only a little embarrassing.

We saw the dr on Monday and everything looks good. Nugget is head down (and has been since like June, so that wasn't a surprise), and almost 8lbs already. 7lb13oz was the calculation. He is 91%ile in size now, and all measurements put him at 39+weeks. We are pushing back the Dec 8 schedule to Dec 17 now. If I go into labor naturally, fine, otherwise he will be removed on the 17th or 18th. This is good, he will be a whole week before xmas so we could celebrate his birthday earlier. Also, he will be around 9lbs by then, so if he doesn't come out on his own, would I really want to have to push him out??

He definitely favors the right side and my belly is often completely firm on the right side, and soft/squishy on the left side. That is weird.

Planned/expected end date, 39w1d, wish us luck.

34w5d, Panic begins to ensue

2007-11-16T22:08:00.001-05:00

Had my 34 week appointment on Monday and did a non-stress test. Last
week I felt the nugget was a bit quiet and so my dr did the non-stress
test. It seemed fine, a little quiet but not a big deal. He just
wanted to check again, but this time we failed. We were
non-responsive. They followed up with an ultrasound and everything
seems fine.

Nugget was probably sleeping but still it wasn't that much fun. They
even used a buzzer several times to try to get a response, but while
nugget might startle, he didn't keep moving on his own.

We are really starting to get close. We are only a few weeks away and
there is still so much to do. I am hoping to get a bunch of stuff
done this weekend, but I have not been sleeping well so I am not
really terribly productive when I am home.

We are talking to the dr about a c-section because I am afraid I will
panic during regular labor, and also I would like to separate our
child's birthday from xmas if we can. It doesn't seem like it would
be very nice to have a birthday and xmas be on the same day or just a
couple of days apart. It would be nicer if his birthday could be his
own. So we discussed it, and the dr was ok with the idea, his nurse
called back the next day with a schedule of December 8!!

As in 3 weeks from now. I almost threw up on the phone. I freaked
out. I don't know if I will be ready in 3 weeks. Also, both H and a
good friend of mine are trying to convince me not to do a scheduled
c-section. Now I don't know what to think.

33w1d, 7week home stretch

2007-11-05T13:01:00.001-05:00

Today I made the announcement at work that I am going to be less available after 6 weeks. I know I am 7 weeks till the end but i didn't want to over promise to anyone if I have to leave earlier.

There still seems like there is so much to do, but some things can't really be done until later. I would like to get our xmas shopping done, but H wants to use amazon for everything so we don't want to order too early. We took some photos for our xmas card, but we haven't chosen that either.

This crib is all set up and has a mattress but I haven't done any laundry yet for all the clothes or sheets that we have received from friends yet. My mom is throwing me a shower this weekend, which will be very nice, but will also let me know what all we need to buy to complete the list of things we need. For example, I don't think we are getting a cradle for our room, so we will have to buy that.

I am looking forward to seeing everyone at the shower, and we are really getting excited about everything. I am just starting to worry about what we will get done on time and what will end up sliding till next year. I don't like being late for stuff and will feel bad if we end up not getting xmas presents out to all the nieces/nephews because nugget decides to come early or we just didn't plan well enough.

30w4d

2007-10-18T13:48:00.001-05:00

I have a lot of stuff floating about in my head regarding this pregnancy right now and it has been tough to put it down in writing.

We had another appointment this week and we are in the 93%ile for size, so we are sticking around the same growth rates as the last few appointments. The head measured 10.3cm x 7.8cm (ish). This is basically 4" x 3" which seems like a good size. Also I had protein in my urine yesterday. I was a +2, but my bp is 90/56, so that isn't the concern. Apparently there is a dehydration issue associated with protein in the urine, so I need to be a little more careful and see if that helps at all.

We had a big bbq for H's birthday a couple of weeks ago and finally told the world the gender of the baby.

I have kept this secret for 13 weeks, and now that it is out, I am feeling a little let down. I am glad people know, though I don't want all gendered clothing, but then I didn't want everything in yellow and green either! I am very particular this week.

We are having a boy. We haven't picked a name yet or anything. I know H wanted a girl but now he is thrilled by 'his son', 'our son', 'the boy nugget'. I am happy for him, and now need to come to my own acceptance.

Almost all of our friends have girls. All the babies close in age to ours are girls. We are the only ones having a boy. In some ways that sounds nice, but it also sounds a little lonely. Both for me and the baby. Who will we spend time with? Will all the children in the local mother's group be girls and if so, who will my son play with?? I know these things resolve themselves, but it is still where my mind is running right now.

28w3d, Holy Crap

2007-10-03T08:57:00.001-05:00

Had another appointment and now the size estimate is in the 97th percentile! Holy crap. They checked my diabetes levels and found everything to be normal so that isn't the problem.

OMG, I seriously do not know what I will do with a 10lb infant. How does one even escape the body???

27w6d, Irony alert

2007-09-28T15:53:00.001-05:00

H has been 'planning' my halloween costume. He wants me to be a pumpkin. Ha ha, fat girl in pumpkin costume!

We both call the nugget and each other pumpkin so he thinks that would be cute, and it might be, but still a little cliche.

I was flipping through a catalog that had costumes in it while he was talking and I held up a cute 'goddess' costume and said "I could go as a goddess". His reply "Yeah, a fertility goddess".

Yeah, that seems really appropriate. Funny and ironic, but probably not appropriate.

26w4d

2007-09-20T12:28:00.001-05:00

I am very bad at this updating thing. I have been a bit distracted with stuff around the house, but that is no excuse really.

I have also been spending my at home-computer time trying to put together a website for my family. I registered at several different places and didn't want to have to tell people different things so I thought a website that consolidated all the information in one place would make things a little easier. I have done any web stuff in years, and I am not imaginative enough to do the actual 'design' part, so I have been struggling to try to put something together that wasn't offensive.

I think I have finally pulled something together that is simple and relatively attractive. I would like to add some more functionality but I don't know that I have that in me this week.

We had an appointment on 25w1d and found that the nugget (or nuggette) is measuring about a week or so ahead. Apparently this puts it at the 90th percentile for size.

That concerns me, a lot. I have a biggish head, and H has a big noggin and thick skull so this kid is pretty destined to have a big head. I don't need it to have a big head AND be bigger than other babies!

I have had a tough week with people at work too. Not a big deal or anything, just a lot of extra comments about my size, weight, 'suggestions' of all kinds. I kind of reached my limit this week, on Tuesday. That is not a good sign. I know I am probably being a bit extra senstive, but still I just want people to be a little less invasive some of the time. I had someone ask if I was having twins, ffs!! I am just starting my 7th month and I have gained 17 pounds so far. That doesn't feel like 'twins' weight to me!

Of course that was after work where 2 people made comments about 'waddling' which I don't think I have started to do yet! I mean, I am clearly, obviously showing now, but not like I am huge and look like I am going to give birth next week!

Well, I am supposed to be working, so I am going to run. I'll try to post more soon.

23w2d - 4D ultrasounds UPDATED

2007-08-28T19:26:00.000-05:00

I hope these come out alright. I tried using the blogger video upload for the first one but it took FOREVER and was making me crazy. So the rest are on youtube, I didn't link to all of them, but if you go and choose my user you can look at any of them. Some came out better than others, and it looks like we have daddy's nose!

I think I like working for a medical device company! This was what I did at work yesterday and I will have another on Thursday morning.

***I forgot to add that while the scanning was occuring, the man was measuring the head. The diameter of the head (ear to ear) is 6.1 cm. Apparently this is larger than our dates would suggest. He felt that we were actually at 24w6d, I tried to explain that we are pretty certain of our dates, but he was stubborn. I didn't want to explain IVF and how it all works but how did this stranger expect to know more about my body than I do?

I told a woman I work with the story and her response is that you can be off by a week or more in either direction. I explained again that we were certain about our dates, and implied that with a husband who travels often for work this calculation becomes easier, but still she believes we might be further along too.

Does it not occur to anyone that some people have larger heads (both myself and H included) than average? That by having a dr, a petri dish, and a scheduled appointment, one can be fairly certain of the T=0 timeframe? So odd.

22w3d, Update to previous post

2007-08-22T12:29:00.000-05:00

I tried to add this as an update, but I did something wrong so I am creating a new post.

Sorry, but here is a photo to make up for it.

This is a profile shot, with hands over the nugget's face:

And this is a shot of the nugget's foot. Which is horrifyingly similar to its father's foot, flat and wide.

I do believe that I am incubating a lizard though. Everyone told me that you run hot during pregnancy, which is alright with me since I run pretty warm most of the time anyway. Well I have been cold for months. When H puts his hand on my belly it is frequently cold to the touch. I think this nugget is a heat sink. No matter how much heat I put in, it sucks it all up.

22w2d

2007-08-21T10:26:00.001-05:00

Just at the start of the sixth month and had another U/S. Our place does two of the 'survey' ultrasounds, where they measure everything and tell you where your risk levels are. We got another very good result. Our nugget is exactly the right size and has none of the indicators for an issue.

This was very good news, especially since this might be the last appointment H can come to with me for a while. He is so crazy busy at work and each appointment is half a day. I understand, and am glad he got to see another U/S before he wasn't able to come anymore.

This is such a weird time in the pregnancy. I am looking pregnant most of the time. Occasionally someone looks at me like they are trying to figure it out, whether I am fat or pregnant, but mostly people are aware that I am pregnant.

For the first several months it was so anxiety inducing. Things moved so quickly but everyday was something new to worry about. Right now I am sort of coasting. I know the end is going to be crazy but still I can't really get into doing stuff like remodeling a nursery that we aren't going to have furniture in for 2+ months. We have been talking about a few design options, but that is it.

I have started some registries and a list of things I would like to accomplish, but nothing feels like a crazy race right now, which is so weird after 3 years of hurry up and now we are just waiting.

The only significant changes I am feeling/seeing are the real tightening of my belly. It really feels like there is a lot of pulling going on and sometimes it gets so tight and tense. Last night in bed the bump was sticking straight up. It was a little uncomfortable, but still funny.

I left our U/S pics at home today, so I will have to bring them with me to work tomorrow to post. I will try to scan and post them tomorrow.

21w3d, Welcome to the Club

2007-08-15T09:00:00.001-05:00

I had been worried as I hadn't felt any movement up till almost 21w. I thought 20w was pretty normal and I was hoping to be 'normal'. Finally though on 20w6d, (deadlines people, what would we accomplish without deadlines!!) I felt the first certain push. What was really nice was that it was the day before my 35th birthday. Maybe it was a little present from the nugget?

Either way it made me feel better. Then two nights ago I had a bowl of ice cream and the nugget seemed to enjoy the buzz.

This morning was the big change though. H was up early for work and I was awake and feeling a little odd. I kept rolling over and my belly was hurting a little, mostly on the left side. Not a big deal, just achy. So I rolled onto my back and waited, there was a definite pushing/kicking feeling. I put my hand on it and there were big motions! I called H in to the room and he put his hand on my belly. The biggest push happened about 30 seconds later. It was enough to bounce his hand a little.

It was an incredible morning.

Now that I am fairly obviously showing, depending on the outfit, people talk to me about pregnancy, babies, blah blah blah. It is like finally being inducted into a club that I knew existed but no one would admit to. It is really nice to be 'accepted' but it does feel a little like fraud. I feel like I got in under false circumstances. I don't have the puppies and rainbows feeling that everyone else seems to have about pregnancy. I feel much better than I did the first 5 months, but still, I keep expecting something unpleasant to occur.

I think I have almost broken H about knowing the gender. We need to go shopping for some stuff for a registry and I looked around the other night. I saw these cute outfit sets from Tar-jhay. There was a set for each gender with a couple sleepers, onesies, hat and bib. So cute. The alternate, non-gendered option, was a pack of white onesies. Boring. I am hoping that he will want to know soon so we can pick out cute, appropriate stuff.

20w2d

2007-08-07T19:13:00.000-05:00

Things are moving forward faster than I am quite ready to handle. I finally told everyone in the family and at work. Now that everyone knows, everyone wants to discuss, everything. I am happy to finally be able to talk about stuff but it feels so wrong, so confusing to talk about every little thing.

Of course I tell you most everything, but that somehow feels different. The people who read this know what path we have taken to get here and understand what we have gone through. Everyone who knows now just thinks that I just accidentally fell down pregnant one day. Not after 3 years of very directed activity.

H is super protective of me now. He doesn't really want me going to work in case someone hits me in the stomach. I don't precisely know how that would occur, but he fears that it will. A coworker believes it is because he is 'proud of what he has done', and that may be a little bit of truth but mostly I think he knows what we both went through to get here and doesn't want anything to take it away from us.

I promised photographic evidence and have had no luck getting into blogger. I don't use this account regularly and always forget the password so any time I want to do a more complicated post I have to figure out passwords, track down info. It is always a pain, but I am in today, so I am going to try to get up to date.

Today are pics of the belly growing. Unfortunately H scanned the ultrasounds to a different computer that I can't see from my laptop, so I will have to post those separately.

To me I was seeing big changes between the first 3 or 4 pics, but the photos don't show what I saw in the mirror. The last change though is really the noticeable one. We call it the delta. Basically it is the change I see each morning. I go to bed not really pregnant, but wake up larger and fatter. It is kind of amazing, in a really weird way.

19w1d

2007-07-30T10:27:00.001-05:00

I am sorry, I tried posting a picture and a couple of posts recently but blogger was being crabby.

I has been a couple of busy weeks for us and the nugget. I finally told my siblings last week and my boss today. I am only working on a contract basis and the potential hire date is sometime in Q4, which means I will be huge and likely taking time off directly after that. I think they might 'put off' hiring me as a full time person until I return anyway. That makes me sad but it is not too bad. We can get health insurance through H's company, but still I had been hoping to have this finalized before making my announcement.

I am still, sort of, getting away with normal clothes. I can't wear my normal, normal clothes but wrap dresses and low rise skirts/pants are still working as long as they have a little give in the fabric. Even so, a bunch of my friends have 'donated' maternity clothes to me. Most of the stuff is for the later months, probably at least September but they have been so generous. I haven't decided what I am going to do yet, since I can't really wear the truly maternity stuff yet, but I am outgrowing all my own stuff.

I finally started gaining some weight again. I gained 6 lbs right away after all the procedure and everything else, but then plateaued for 2 months or so. This last couple of weeks though I have gone on a growth spurt, or an eating binge, whichever. Either way I am 4 lbs more than I was at 16w, and it is pretty much all belly. It is fun though a bit shocking to see the change every morning.

I will try to post pics again soon. I tried to send an u/s as an email to blogger, but that just caused blogger to ignore me for days. I think it was mad.

So far H still doesn't want to know the gender. I would really like to tell him so we can talk about it, and plan for it. I would like to be able to be happy about it, but right now I feel a little contained about the whole thing. Of course I still feel like this is the week something bad will happen but so far that has only been in my head.

Today was a little scary though with the doppler. We have been good at finding the heartbeat, some days it takes a little longer but on the whole it has been relatively easy. Also, since about 16w the hb has been pretty rock steady around 140 bpm. Today it was all over the place, bouncing up to 155 and dropping to 135. It made me pretty nervous, but H thinks that I am dehydrated because this week I have not been as good about drinking water every 5 minutes. I hope that is the problem. I don't want to be the panicky lady who calls the Dr at the drop of a hat, but it did worry me a but this morning.

Thank you for being kind and patient with me. It really means an awful lot to me.

16w3d

2007-07-11T09:11:00.001-05:00

Finally had my 16w1d ultrasound on Monday. So far everything looks very good. Our Down's risk went down to 1:3000 (ish). This time dr was much less 'enthusiastic' about doing an ammio. He was really pushing for it 2 weeks ago, but this time things looked good enough that the amnio didn't seem necessary. I was so relieved and H was happy too. We agreed that if anything looked remotely concerning on the u/s that I would agree to amnio.

I was clear that terminiation was not an option as long as there was no threat to anyone's life. I have already had to do 2 terminations and I really didn't believe I could handle another one, especially if the baby was still alive. At least both others had already 'expired' by the time of the procedure.

H spent some of the weekend refinishing a 'new' piece of furniture for the nursery. (?) I don't know how I feel about saying that. It still feels like if I say too much that it will get taken away from us. It is just superstition, but still.

I attached the latest sonogram, though I have no idea how blogger handles pdfs. I hope it works, otherwise I will have to figure out another solution after work.

The biggest 'concern' the dr had was that I hadn't gained any weight since I have been coming to him 4 weeks ago. He asked if I was sick or nauseous. I am not, never had any nausea really. That concerned him a little but he said that I might be a later bloomer than average. Well, last night my belly pooked out. I went from having a little paunch that was mostly just a tire of fat around my waist to a firm round belly. And I gained 1/2 pound since yesterday morning.

I don't know that I will be able to hide this at work for very much longer. I was hoping to keep this to myself for a little bit longer but it is starting to get tougher and tougher especially as most of my clothes don't fit anymore.

I guess this secret is going to have to come out sooner or later. I fear that once I start telling everyone that something horrible will happen and that really scares the crap out of me.

14w3d

2007-06-27T20:29:00.001-05:00

I know it has been a while since I updated. I had my 14w1d appointment the other day and it was a little tougher than planned. Things looked good on the ultrasound, my cervix is longer than 3cm which is apparently a good thing. Our results for the Down's scan were 1/1700, which also seems like a good number.

For some reason the doctor still wants me to do an amnio. I really don't want to do it. I do not want some news that might cause either the doctor or H to recommend a termination. I have already had 2 terminations and I really don't think I can handle another one. H seems to think that if there is any kind of problem, we would have more time to 'plan'. I think that is justification for making me do a test that I don't really see a point for. We spent the rest of the day 'discussing' this and didn't get anywhere. The dr wants me to do it in the next week or so in case there needs to be a termination scheduled, which basically just proves my point.

I haven't made any final decisions yet, please help.

12w4d

2007-06-14T14:15:00.001-05:00

Another update, just a quickie though.

Got a call from the office and they got our 'first look' results. This is the nuchal fold and some blood work. From these they make a risk analysis of the chance for down's. We got a lower risk factor than my age predicts. For us that is earth-shattering information. We have never been on the other side of the curve for anything in this process.

I will get H to scan the US and I will try to upload a belly picture later today or this weekend. JFife, you do realize that of course I took a photo of both the belly and the boobs. Not a 'pervy' one, but just something to remember them by. I haven't gotten any bigger during the last few weeks, which is a little disappointing, but probably a good thing. I just added my next appointment to my work calendar and have it repeating so that people don't schedule me for meetings in the mornings on Mondays (the only day my dr is in during the summer). I have the repeat on and had to keep changing the length to see how far out to go. Turns out I only have to have the repeat on for 6 months. I do hope that in 6 months there is good news at the end of this rainbow.

12w3d

2007-06-13T21:08:00.001-05:00

Monday was our first appointment with our new OB. The group is super
nice, and they specialize in high-risk pregnancies. The appointment
took forever, we were there for over 4 hours and he wants us to come
in every other week. That is a little tough for me what with just
starting a new job and all. It won't always take 4 hours but it will
still be most of the morning as the office is over an hour from my home.

We saw our nugget on the ultrasound and it has hands and fingers
already! It is very exciting. It is also around 6.5 cm which is a
little big, but no one else seems worried. They were all ok with me
coloring my hair again, because seriously it is so embarrassing to
continue walking around with these roots. I horrify myself. We even
got permission from the doctor to use our doppler. He recommends
only once a day, which is twice what we are doing so I feel like we
aren't damaging anything. His response was that we would be doing so
many ultrasounds, that the doppler would be a drop in the bucket.

We took some pictures this weekend for the first time. The last two
pregnancies we took pictures every week, and then they each failed.
It seemed like we would jinx things with a photo, but it was finally
time. Besides I need proof that I can grow boobs!

11w1d

2007-06-04T18:40:00.001-05:00

So far so good. I am still on PIO until my next appointment which is
next Monday. I will just be at 12w1d then so I will be at the end of
the first trimester. Hopefully things will still be well and they
will allow me off the progesterone.

I haven't really had very much in the way of 'symptoms' except for my
pants being tight on me. When I look at myself in the mirror I can
see stuff spreading and thickening, even though I have only gained
~5lbs so far. My pants are tight, but skirts and stuff still look
fine on me. No one has 'noticed' my weight except me and H (of
course), in fact a woman commented that I am not fat at work today.
She was talking about in the general sense not the pg sense but still
that made me feel a little better.

The only real 'symptom' besides by burgeoning belly is my boobs. I
might even be a full B cup! Possibly a B+ (but that might just be
wishful thinking). Seriously I didn't even think my body could
create boobs, but it can!

We heard the heartbeat today after a lot of searching. It was a
little nerve wracking but finally we found it. I will have to check
again tomorrow to make sure it wasn't a fluke.

Graduation day (10w3d)

2007-05-30T13:54:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was graduation day for us. We had a very calming US, which showed a 155 hb and CRM of 3.5cm which is almost an inch and a half. We saw our RE and she kicked us out. She was super nice and gave us hugs and everything, but I am so nervous to leave. I feel so cared for, so protected with them. She tried to get me into a female practitioner but the only person with time in the next 2 weeks was a man. I am not too concerned, since it sounds like a big practice and everybody crosses around to each other, and if I don't love this guy I can make my next appointment with a woman.

The bleeding seems to have stopped this weekend. I haven't had any bleeding for almost 3 whole days, which is a new record for us. I really hope that was the end of it. I am going to continue doppling myself until the next appointment just to keep myself from going absolutely crazy.

10w0d (today)

2007-05-27T16:45:00.001-05:00

Thank you for all your kind words. H has been roping to the couch
for the last few days. He hasn't let me lift anything or do anything
around the house. It is really nice and I finished 2 novels this
weekend, but I feel pretty useless.

On a good note, it seems like we found the heartbeat again via
doppler. We hadn't been able to find it for several days. I hope
that is only a good sign.

Answered my question

2007-05-25T10:41:00.001-05:00

I (foolishly) asked a rhetorical question in my last post. I asked
how do you know if bleeding is unusual if it happens for 29 days?
The answer is when it gets darker and red again. Then you know
something (else) is wrong.

9w4d

2007-05-24T20:12:00.001-05:00

I am loving the home doppler idea. I haven't always been able to
find a heartbeat or can be 100% certain that what I am listening to
is actually a heartbeat, but today I put the wand on my belly and
immediately heard thump thump thump.

It was very nice and it made me feel better. It is nice to start the
day with a search and I feel so much calmer if I can find the
heartbeat. I am still spotting but seriously if it has been almost 4
weeks now, can you really call it 'unusual'? I am hoping that I will
just be one of those women who spot, but continue to have a
relatively normal pregnancy. I know that is a lot to ask but that is
what I want.

Today I might have experienced my first bout of nausea, or I was just
offended by H's cooking. Tough to call, but I couldn't eat anything
he put on the table and had to have a bowl of cereal instead.

And on the 12th day of bleeding...

2007-05-17T19:41:00.001-05:00

my sweetheart gave to me... an ultrasound and a heartbeat.

Now it is actually the fourteenth day of bleeding, but when I started
this post it was the 12th.

I am still bleeding, just a little, but the ultrasound was fine and
the heartbeat/size was on target. We were very relieved about the
whole situation, but I think we were really expecting to be told bad
news that we weren't really responsive to anyone who gave us good news.

Now that it is sinking in, I am starting to get more happy, but I am
still trying to keep things reined in. I don't want the crash of
disappointment to be too enormous to handle.

We even heard a heartbeat on the home doppler this morning at 8w4d,
which apparently is pretty early. The doppler read the beat as less
than at the ultrasound, but it read my heartbeat as 200bpm, so I am
not sure the counting part is all that accurate. It was pretty clear
that it was the heartbeat we were hearing, so I hope it wasn't my
intenstines doing something funny. That would be disappointing.

I am tired most of the time. I basically go to work, come home, eat,
go to sleep. Do not pass go, do not collect 200$. I think partly it
is the pregnancy, but also it is a new job that I am working hard to
impress everyone at, so I think I am a bit overwhelmed and come home
to crash.

And, tomorrow is off to see the MIL. For the whole weekend. I can't
even type the statement without dreading every second. Fun Fun Fun.

Titles suck

2007-05-08T16:44:00.001-05:00

I don't know what to call anything. I don't want to do something cute and campy, because that is not me at all. I don't just want a date stamp, though I guess that is helpful.

I just don't know.

Anyway, another tough weekend. I just started work again after an extended period 'between employment'. I didn't work too hard to find a job at first because I wanted to be able to 'relax' and just focus on treatment. Well, that didn't work out as well as I would have hoped, so now I have found a new job that is a contract position. It is with a company I was really hoping to get into and I am also hoping that it will eventually become permanent.

After work on Friday (3rd day!) I am on the phone with my aunt, just chatting away when I feel something wet 'down there'. I figure there is some random something going on, so I hit the bathroom to find RED RED RED in my underwear. I immediately get off the phone, call H and go directly to bed. It was bright red and quick. Not heavy, but each time I wiped there was a real amount in the paper. Like a few mLs each time. I basically stayed in bed freaking out all that night and spoke to the fellow on call.

He was super nice but clear that if this is a miscarriage there is absolutely nothing anyone can do for me. I got up the next morning to find more blood, clumpy and dark. I was supposed to spend the day with my mother but I cancelled, I just couldn't deal with it.

Sunday I still had spotting, but much less. I finally just decided to go to the ER to try to get a US since our place does not do any scans unless they are scheduled. All unscheduled scans must be done in the ER.

Turns out we still have a heart beat, 136(ish), and the fetus is ~7mm, which measures around a day or 2 behind. We were a day behind at the last scan and are now either 1 or 2 days behind. I am not sure exactly if this means we are falling farther behind or if the measurement has that much error built in.

Today is 7w2d, next scan is on 8w2d and I am on the couch for the next week, except for work.

New update

2007-05-01T19:37:00.001-05:00

I went away right after my second beta. We went to LA for a business trip for H. I got to spend the week in a sunny city with fun shopping and even a celebrity sighting or two! It was really nice, and I got to see my cousin and her next baby. Yep, I decided to go on a trip to see the latest addition to our extended family. I might be a little bit masochistic.

After the previous depressing betas, I had to find another clinic in the LA area to take my blood. It was a frustrating afternoon, but it got done. The results were improved from the Saturday reading. The HCG was 899, which was just about double. My clinic has a minimum of 1.66 every 48 hours, rather than strictly doubling, so I met their minimum, but not by much.

I had to go back again, to a new clinic since my nurse HATED the clinic I went to on Monday. She found them so hard to deal with that she wouldn't let me go back.

My cousin found me a place near her apartment, which was nice, since I could have lunch with her and my aunt directly after. The time difference made getting results difficult, but the following day I found out I was at 2730. Which, after 72 hours is completely acceptable by any standard.

I had my ultrasound yesterday at 6w0d and we were right on for size and had a 106 heartbeat. The article I read stated that if there was inadequate doubling during the first 5 weeks, even with a heartbeat, there is no successful pregnancy after first trimester. I am trying to be happy about hitting this milestone, though I know I have been here before.

H is happy though and hoping for the best. I am hoping for the best, but I don't know how much faith I can put into it. I have this fear that if I actually believe in this pregnancy and think it is going to work, that is when the rug will be pulled out from beneath me.

Still, we saw Sean Penn and Mike Tyson at dinner (not together) so that was a cool end to the week.

Then we returned home to week-long house guests who brought their 11-month old. Did I mention the masochism??

Worst. Decision. Ever.

2007-04-22T16:14:00.001-05:00

I received 'the call' about our HCG levels while at a friend's home for the weekend. She just had a baby, her third and he was over 4 weeks early. Several of her friends hadn't been able to give her a shower before the baby's surprise arrival so they chose to do a 'welcome home' shower.

It was very nice of them and they kindly went around my schedule to let me be included.

I wanted to go, for my friend and to meet the people she talks about all the time, but I had hoped to be going with some better news under my belt.

Instead I sat in a room with 10 women all having a minimum of 2 kids. All talking about how easily they got pregnant, every detail about their children's lives. Blah blah blah.

All this while I had to sneak into the bathroom to shoot myself in the butt with progesterone. I would have called H to come get my if someone hadn't been anxiously awaiting the bathroom. More than once I looked around to try to figure out how I could sneak away without offending anyone, and I couldn't come up with anything!

I love my friend very much, and we had a very nice weekend with them, but the baby shower might have been a little too much for me.

Next up, travel to LA to visit my cousin and her first baby, ~6weeks old. Good timing all around.

Do I hear....?

2007-04-21T14:17:00.001-05:00

...

I was looking for a 630, we had requests for 700, 800. So what do you think the final count is?

...

495

So that isn't looking good, and I still can't have a drink?

15dp3dt

2007-04-19T14:53:00.001-05:00

I finally got my HcG test today and the results are 315. It is much lower than the last time (which was a failure), so I am not sure exactly how I feel.

I go back on Saturday to find out if all is doubling and doing the right things. Saturday is the day I am more concerned about. That is the day they tell me if there is a chance for the pregnancy to be ectopic or failing.

Here's to 630 on Saturday.

13dp3dt

2007-04-17T14:51:00.001-05:00

Damn, I forgot to pee on a stick this morning for another 48 hour comparison. I was thinking I was to test tomorrow, but that will be a 72 hour test, which is not as accurate to compare to the other sticks. Damn, damn, damn.

On the good front, the spotting has stopped. I spotted for a couple of days, and only strongly the first day. It never turned red, and the severe pain I was feeling has definitely subsided. I still get aches but the nurse swears that is from all the stim on the ovaries. I didn't mention the incredible level of constipation I have been going through, so I am hoping a good portion of the pain if from that. (I almost went in a way grosser direction for that sentence, you're welcome).

In our house we have become a bit obsessed with fiber. If you have never met my husband you can't understand how serious a statement 'obsessed' really is. He makes decisions and then goes crazy following them to see where they lead. For example, he felt he was too heavy in college, so he decided to go vegetarian. Not so unusual, right? Well, he didn't actually go vegetarian, what he did was go to a no-fat diet and call it vegetarian. He did lose quite a bit of weight over the 5+ years he did this diet.

I am a bit more, whatever, about things. I like to eat what I like to eat, I just prefer not to eat 10 lbs of it at a time. A bit of his obsessiveness has rubbed off on me, (a little!!) but right now we are on a crazy fiber kick. I am so constipated from all the meds and the pre-natal that I might explode. Thankfully we have 14g of fiber bagels, put a little peanut butter on those babies and don't stray far from a toilet. Also we have these breakfast bars that are 9g fiber, and poop-cicles (they are fudgecicles with fiber, what would you call them?) with 5g fiber each.

I have been an enthusiastic consumer from this shelf in the kitchen and NOTHING IS HELPING. I might actually die from this. Ok, so maybe a little melodrama, but seriously, is it normal to not be able to remember when you last pooped??

I will now leave the poop conversation. Please enjoy your regularly scheduled day.

Book Tour #3, A Time Travelers Wife

2007-04-15T21:30:00.001-05:00

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at
http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/

You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: Waiting for Daisy by Peggy Orenstein.

Henry suggests adoption (p337) and then says (p339) that he doesn't feel incomplete without a child of his own and that Clare is obsessed with having a baby. Did / do you ever feel that one of you wants a baby much more than the other and if so, how did you cope with it?

When we first began the saga that is infertility treatment, I mentioned adoption. H was adamant that that wasn't an acceptable path. He just didn't want it, he wanted his own DNA passed on or nothing. I never cared one way or another. I would like to be a parent and family but I don't really care where the child comes from. Now that we have been through so many cycles and issues, H has finally accepted that adoption may be our only chance and he is getting to the point of knowing he would be able to care about an adopted child. He still is not ready to 'give up' on a DNA child though. I find the whole IVF process painful and exhausting, and, to be honest, not really worth it. I would love an adopted child or children. That is not an issue or concern, nor is passing on genes. But for H the genetic tie is so important that we continue down this path until someone tells us to go home.

Before he died, Henry wrote Claire a letter telling her that he would see her again. While the knowledge clearly gave her comfort, it led her to spend the later part of her life waiting for him. Was it fair for Henry to give that information to Claire?

I almost think it is unfair, but then I believe it is kindness. When you have a loss like a death of someone you love dearly, who wouldn't want to have been told, "We will see each other again, I promise". I mean some people have the faith that you will see those you love in the afterlife, but not all people have that. If you were told that your loss was not permanent, wouldn't that make the immediate loss a little easier to bear?

If you read the book without knowing about the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect of the storyline, how did you feel when you got to that part of the story? If you were unprepared for that aspect of the storyline, did you find it particularly jarring or upsetting? Or, if you read the book already knowing about this storyline, do you think that changed how you reacted to it? Did you find the pregnancy/miscarriage aspect made you relate to the characters more?

I read the book initially before treatment and then reread it for this tour. The first time, I don't think I paid much attention to the infertility storyline. I think I read it more for the scientific solution and the love story. This time through it was more impactful. I don't know that I would have been able to go through as many miscarriages as Clare goes through. I have had 2 and they were each horrible. Debilitating. And we don't get pregnant that easily so there is a lot of time for recovery between miscarriages. I can't imagine becoming pregnant with relative ease and then losing child after child after child. It is horrifying. Had I not had Clare's foreknowledge of a successful outcome, I don't believe I could have continued down that path.

The book ends in 2053, when Claire is 82 years old. Prior to the ending, we are left in the year 2008. Were you satisfied with the ending of the story? What do you think happened to Alba, particularly with her time traveling? In those 45 years, do you think they found a "cure" to the "involuntary" aspect of the time traveling?

I feel that Alba has such a strong nature that she is going to be ok. I feel like Clare and Henry have given her a good foundation to build upon and that she has a different understanding than Henry did growing up. It is like any kind of impediment that is embarrassing before being understood. If Henry were dyslexic and passed that on to Alba, when he was young he might have been tormented for being 'stupid' but as we now understand more people can be more understanding and helpful to this generation, so Alba doesn't have the same hangups that Henry has/had. I think Alba learned to control her gift more and more as she aged. Henry learned to predict when it would occur and know the triggers, Alba had more control than that even at a very early age. I would guess that would only improve with age and understanding. I would think that a 'cure' is unlikely. For many reasons, there are too few people to make solving the problem useful and as long as time travel doesn't seem to be damaging a person then non 'travelers' may not see the benefit of curing the 'problem'.

11dp3dt, proof of confusion

2007-04-15T12:23:00.001-05:00

Here are the 2 sticks, but I am still spotting. Crappy.

11dp3dt, and...

2007-04-15T08:17:00.001-05:00

...first is the bleeding.

Then another stick, the line is darker.

Thanks for all the confusing signals.

9dp3dt, Willpower = nil

2007-04-13T08:50:00.000-05:00

Today was the day. I knew I wasn't going to be able to wait any longer, nor did I really want to. I knew that if it was negative, I could convince myself it was too early and if it was positive I would be content for a few days.

There was the peeing, the dipping, the waiting, and...... nothing. No line.

Unless you looked really really closely. Like by the 'light of a thousand suns', don't know what blog I read that on, but it is helpful.

The faintest little pink line, next to this horrid glaring pink line. So I bring it back to bed and make H look at it. He sees nothing either, certainly without a lot of prompting from me. Finally he agrees there is the faintest second line, but he doesn't really believe that it is real or an indication of pregnancy.

I don't care, right now I feel certain I am pregnant. How long I will be pregnant is completely not the point, just that I know I am, right now.

I will test again in 2 days and let you know. I will be very sad if the line stays the same or is lighter.

I swore this time would be different (6dp3dt)

2007-04-10T10:07:00.001-05:00

I truly did. I really held myself back so as to not have the crushing defeat of loss. Then I got caught up in the fact that we had good numbers and a reason for the last failure.

So now I have been cruising along with all this hope in my heart and realizing that if this is another failure I might be destroyed. The only 'symptom' I have been having is a little blood when I blow my nose. I never have a bloody nose except right after transfer so it correlates with 'pregnancy' symptoms. I have not felt bad, super tired, or gained any weight. In fact I have lost a couple pounds since the retrieval, which doesn't sound like a good sign.

Each of the other times I got pregnant I felt incredibly tired and starving all the time. I don't know when it kicked it but I do remember having it before the pregnancy test so I would expect it to be now or at least soon. When is it too early to POAS?? I am desperately ready to do it now, but I might lose it if I get a negative. I think it might be a little early for any sign, though a stick should be able to give me some info in the next day or so right??

I have the 'test 5 days early' sticks so in theory, I should be able to POAS by tomorrow for a sign. H is counseling me not to test, which I know is the right answer, but I will need to be prepared before I have my blood test. I will need to have some idea of the answer soon or I might make myself insane.

I have 3 sticks on hand, you know, just in case. Maybe I will tempt fate and try one tomorrow.

4dp3dt IVF#6

2007-04-08T20:05:00.001-05:00

The transfer went well and, for us, the numbers were encouraging. We had 15 follicles, all of which were mature though only 9 fertilized. I think that might be a record number of fertilization for us though. We have had many more follicles before but used to have 50% mature and then another 60% fertilization rate. So this new protocol is much improved. I can tell you our protocol if anyone is interested.

Anyway, of the 9, 2 were 8 cell 1 rating. Our clinic uses a 0 as perfect/no degradation and goes up to 4 for highly fragmented/poor, so a 1 is very good/minimal fragmentation. There was also a 10 cell 1 rating. Each of these was assisted hatched and put in. Two others were a 6 and 7, and they were either 1 or 2. The clinic thought they had a chance to be frozen but we never got a call so I assume that that didn't happen. Really I am not disappointed. I would have liked to be able to freeze but we have never even had results this good before, so I am not going to be greedy.

The other 4 were all scheduled for destruction. Mostly they had stopped growing after the first day and were just going to be used for testing, so at least I feel like something good might come from them.

For me, this 2ww is the best part. I am anxious, but the only news we can get is either good or bad, but not devastating. I mean, if we get a negative, it will be very sad, but it won't be a death. If we get a positive beta and then lose it (again) then I don't know if I can take it. Another death (I know, miscarriage is the 'more appropriate' term, but that isn't what it feels like) could really just set me over the edge.

Right now, my life is moving in a good direction. I have found a few things to do with my time that I am really looking forward too, my job search is (hopefully) coming to an end (seriously if it isn't I am about to just toss in the towel and work at a bookstore for the discount) and this has been our best cycle yet. If any of these precariously perched items falls then I might just lose it. I am trying to build strength into my life so that if one thing fails it doesn't destroy me, but it has been hard with everything being 'imperfect' right now.

17 hours till 3 day transfer

2007-04-03T19:34:00.000-05:00

Retrieval went well the other day, even with the whole April Fool's issue. We got 15 follicles and 9 fertilized. I don't know how many were mature, but that percentage for fertilization is pretty good (for us). I don't know anything further about quality or how many to implant, but I will know more tomorrow.

Acupuncture first thing, transfer, acu again, then home to hang out on the couch for the next few days.

Not a very exciting update, but if you want a fun roller-coaster then I will have to update about my job search. Fun Fun Fun. Ugh.

Is this a joke?

2007-03-29T19:14:00.001-05:00

Back again this morning. Had the nicest wand jockey ever. He was very gentle, especially considering the fact that I am achy and crampy. I got 'good' results. Now there are 9 follicles on the right and 3 on the left still. The 9 are 27 to 36 mm^2, the ones on the left are a bit smaller.

They want me to go ANOTHER DAY. Seriously, I am going to burst. I have never had to stim this long before. I 'planned' everything out so that I wouldn't have a procedure on April Fool's Day. I had it all worked out so I would have my retrieval on Thursday or Friday and transfer on Monday/Tuesday.

Then they had my stay on another day, so I was pushed to Saturday still OK. Then they told me that I was to go another day. Seriously I am going to pop and I am running out of meds.

And we are pushed to a SUNDAY, APRIL FOOLS RETRIEVAL. Is this a total joke? I don't get it. No two cycles have been the same. Of course we haven't had the final result we were hoping for, so maybe that is alright.

So what joke are you planning for April Fool's Day??

Do I have nothing to say??

2007-03-27T16:16:00.001-05:00

It seems like I have nothing to say. I haven't been posting frequently which is sad, because I have so much going on in my brain right now. There has been so much going on, but much of it seems inappropriate to discuss on a public forum.

I have been getting my testing done and so far there are 7 follicles on the right and 3 on the left. None of them seems to be the 'right' size, so I have 2 more days of pin-cushion-hood. Right now it looks like I will take meds until Thursday, hCG on Thursday evening, retrieval Saturday, transfer Tuesday.

I guess this is good, I did have a superstition about not doing a procedure on April 1, so no one can say "Ha it was just a joke!" but I have had superstitions before and those never worked out either. I am just sort of barely believing this is possible. I mean, I must believe it to some degree or I wouldn't be doing it, right? But it seems like the world's longest shot so it doesn't feel like a great idea to go putting all this hope into the process.

As I was leaving testing today, there was a woman and her husband walking in. She was sobbing and I wanted to walk up to her and give her a hug. I know she had an ultrasound or something and didn't get the answer she was hoping for. I wanted to give her a hug in the hallway, but I didn't. I didn't because I know this is a private moment between a husband and wife, but I also regret not going up to her.

This is such a lonely process and I know that it is better when those you invite in are helpful, but I do wish I had let her know that she wasn't completely alone.

Throw everything at the problem

2007-03-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

I finally received the meds for this cycle and the box was a bit overwhelming. I had to take a few pics to really get a feeling of the contents. Here is what I saw when I opened the box...

And then I opened up the bags and found more crap...

I guess this them saying " this is everything we have, so good luck". It feels very 'end of the line' to me. This sucks.

Book Tour

2007-03-05T21:44:00.001-05:00

A couple of months ago, I agreed to join a book tour to discuss the novel "Children of Men". I was (obviously) interested in the topic of infertility and the movie trailers also piqued my interest. There are 22 questions to choose from and we agreed to pick 5 each. I am having a hard time with this part of the discussion. Many of the questions ask about very personal information about my own experience with infertility. I have a blog, and I do share some information, but there is still an awful lot that I keep private. I would never want H to come to my site and feel like I betrayed a confidence. That would do far more harm than help me to 'deal' with my situation. I am looking forward to the next book, as it is a novel that I have read and enjoyed, but one that has no 'personal' connection.

Please feel free to comment and discuss your own personal views. Also, check out next months option and join in if you like.

From the organizer:

Intrigued by this book tour and want to read more about Children of Men? Hop along to more stops on the Barren Bitches Book Tour by visiting the master list at Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/). Want to come along for the next tour? Sign up begins today for tour #3 ( The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger) and all are welcome to join along. All you need is a book and blog.

Now on to the questions I feel comfortable answering. Next month I feel like I will be able to join in to the discussion far more fully, without feeling so guarded.

1. Though there are interesting female characters in the forefront of the novel, the cast of thousands of infertile women in the background are portrayed as crazy, desperate, and delusional. Did you feel P.D. James captured the emotions of infertility or do you think she merely repeated the image presented in the general media--infertile women are desperate and single-minded and obsessed with babies and pregnancy?

It seems to me that the women in the background are broad strokes interpretations of women. To me it was also as if each background character was one individual emotion or feeling. The women who was crazy with baby-lust, pushing a doll or kitten around, those women are a view into IF at a specific time and place. It is like trying to find some sort of replacement for all the love and feeling you hope to shower onto your child but are frustrated with. The woman who bashes the head of the doll is releasing some of the rage and anger that IF instills you with. It is like each individual is actually one moment in time during IF. These are not fleshed out women who are dealing with every aspect of IF. Instead they are just a snapshot of the experience.

8. What do you think is the significance of the fact that the two people who are finally able to conceive are both considered "flawed?" (Luke had epilepsy and Julian had a deformed hand)

It is like a perfect joke. Those who feel they are perfect and unflawed undergo every test, every indignity, while those who are less 'perfect' create something without thought or effort. It was difficult to read about these people with their 'faith' in religion and moral character who could create life without all the anxiety of IF procedures. These people were flawed in more than just their physical aspects. They were less than good. I never truly felt for either the mother or the father. They both seemed to me to be hypocrites. He a priest, she a married religious woman. I never felt the love for her that the narrator feels. He loves her strength but I feel her weakness makes a mockery of the fact that she is the only woman to carry a child.

I am sure there is much the same feeling when looking at friends and family and there fertility. It is always such a blow to an IF when there is another pregnancy announcement. Another horrifying moment when you think, "What is wrong with me? Why am I being punished?"

14. If you were living in this time period and were given the ability to become pregnant but knew you would be the only person to do so, would you have that child knowing that they would be completely alone in an empty world for the last twenty-odd years of their life?

This is a hard question. On one hand, I would say yes, with all the work and effort to try to bear a child, I would probably continue. In my head it would seem that if even one person in one country can have a child, there might be another child in another place. At some point these children might find each other or not. Either way, the chance to actually have a child, even a child who might one day be very lonely, would be very powerful.

IF is such a lonely experience, I think someone who has such a difficult time getting pregnant could explain to a child what they might expect for their future. They might be lonely but who knows what a person could achieve if there were no responsibilities, no distractions. Perhaps they would become another Michelangelo or Shakespeare. Perhaps they would just watch every movie ever made.

15. Some parts of the book were written in first-person narrator and other parts were written as third-person omniscient. Did this make the book more or less compelling? How did this change in narration style impact your enjoyment and/or understanding of the book?

I found this so distracting as to diminish my enjoyment of this book. I found it so difficult to get back into the story each time the narration style was changed. It was like reading two books at the same time (which I have done on WAY more than one occasion), but I didn't enjoy one of the books. While reading from Theo's perspective I felt compelled to push forward. To understand his thoughts and feelings, but the 3rd person viewpoint ripped me from that perspective. I didn't 'like' the 3rd person view, it felt cold and distanced from the plot. It felt like an attempt to distance the author but instead distanced the reader. Each transition was harder for me, rather than easier. I never felt for the characters during the 3rd person, while I felt very intrigued by Theo and Xan's interactions and history.

22. The Omegas are portrayed as cruel, self-obsessed and cold. Do you suppose that's a function of the way they were raised (as the last generation of children) or something inherent in them? Do you think that infertility has an effect on parenting?

This was another aspect of the book I had trouble with. I know that many of the people I know (by no means all) who have had no IF issues or concerns have raised their children differently than those who either had difficulty having a child or chose to have only one for age or other personal reasons. To me I actually see the opposite effect.

Parents who worked harder to have a child are often more caring and considerate to their children and the people around them. They seem to instill a larger consideration and kindness into their children than those who have never thought about what parenting means. The children who I see that are cold, self-obsessed and just not very nice, come from homes where they are not valued as children but as objects. Just another item to show off to those around you. The children that come from homes where there are no rules and no courtesy are not usually those that have experienced IF.

(Please, this question is the most personal one I answered and I tried to be truthful without being hurtful. Please take this in the spirit it was written, not as a judgment, just an observation from a very small data set.)

Pitiable

2007-03-04T21:58:00.001-05:00

This is sad and horrifying. H and I had a wonderful weekend away right after Valentine's. I thought, it was 'relaxing' and just plain old nice. We had a wonderful weekend, and the 'timing' was right. I thought, hoped, that this might be the charm. I have been acupunctured and yet, yesterday was day 1. Another day 1.

It is hateful.

We spoke with the dr this week and we have the same/similar protocol as the last time. With the expected same results. I am sad and frustrated today. I don't think a couple glasses of wine had a positive result on my mood.

Seriously a couple equals 2. Not a bottle or anything, but I think I am just on the edge of unhappy and this pushed me right over the side.

BCP starts tomorrow. I have a huge suspicion about April Fool's Day, and don't want a transfer/retrieval to occur on April 1, but then I had a 'suspicion' about 2 weeks ago.

This doesn't get better does it?

Another wonderful day at the RE

2007-02-13T20:25:00.001-05:00

Today I had a wonderful day (HA) at the clinic. I needed a bunch of tests and blood to find out what the F... is wrong with me.

So of course, I asked them to toss in a pap, because why not? Legs are up, crotch is uncovered, go ahead.

I am not sure if I have mentioned but I am really terrible at the down-there doctor. Like really tense bad. I try to relax and remind myself this is no big deal but somehow it is always a big deal. I have gotten better especially since I am feet-up every couple of months for another transfer/retrieval/blah/blah/blah, but still not great.

Well today was a topper. On top of a pap, I needed a hysteroscopy and a biopsy of some sort. The hysteroscopy was horrid. There was so much pain, and there is no apparent reason. Some people (most) don't really mind the procedure, but I could feel shooting pain all the way out into my hips.

The biopsy was less painful, which is also a little odd according to the dr, but I was totally accepting.

Now I am bleeding and crampy. Just so uncomfortable.

And we have a 'romantic' weekend planned. I hope to feel better, otherwise this weekend would be a bust, and really, that might piss me off more than anything else.

This whole process has taken a lot of the 'fun' out of stuff. Everything is timed and monitored and nothing is random spontaneous fun now. It is pretty frustrating and I don't think I like it.

I'm the dad

2007-02-07T10:40:00.001-05:00

We had a (big) Superbowl party this weekend. It wasn't intended to be a big event, but somehow it turned into a large group. We started out inviting just 2 or 3 couples and then added a couple more and a another group. Of course I didn't request RSVPs because, really, how many people are going to come?? Especially since we only started asking the Monday before the game.

Surprise! We had over 20 people, some of which brought kids. It was really fun, and I enjoyed myself (and Sangria) quite a bit. My friend came over with her 4.5 month old and I was holding her when she started crying and fussing. I turned to H and said 'She is broken, fix her!" He takes her and she goes right back to sleep. He had been playing with my nephew so I grabbed him and gave H the baby.

My nephew and I started wrestling and growling on the floor. He is so funny and so much fun. While we were doing this the baby's mother said, "You are the dad". I was a little startled. I just looked at her. Her response "You are rolling around on the floor and you leave H to do the comforting and calming, you're the dad".

It was very funny.

Winter laundry tips

2007-01-26T12:46:00.001-05:00

If you want to do laundry in the winter, I have some tips.

If you are using the hand-wash cycle for sweaters... allow just a little spin to release 10 of the 50 lbs of water trapped in the sweaters.

If you have heard that drying outside in chilly weather will speed up the drying process for said sweaters... don't put them in the shade, or in 1F weather. Wet clothing + 1F + bare hands = rapid onset hypothermia.

If you see icicles forming off the arms of the sweaters... don't just giggle and think how funny it looks. Remove sweaters from porch bench before they become a permanent fixture or they might snap when you are trying to move them.

If you do move the sweaters into the sun... make sure to take a picture before your sculptures melt.

I'll post a picture later.

Lunch

2007-01-24T09:39:00.001-05:00

I met a friend for lunch yesterday. We used to work together but she too was recently laid off. She was one of the people I spoke to quite a bit as she also went through fertility treatments way back when. She has a 21 yo daughter and it took them 11 years to get pregnant, so she is someone I feel comfortable talking to about this process.

While at lunch we talked about where I am and what is going on. She is always understanding and helpful but yesterday was especially nice. We were discussing options, a sixth IVF cycle, adoption, foster care, blah blah blah and she started talking about her daughter. She said that she doesn't really remember the pregnancy or delivery. The only thing she remembers is the moment they put the child in her arms. She believes that she wouldn't have felt any differently about her daughter had it been adoption.

In fact she said she often looks at her daughter and asks herself if they are related because she says or does something that is foreign to her parents. She says she doesn't feel a 'connection' to her child like something mystical, but that she loves her because of the person she has become.

It was a nice way to look at adoption. No matter how you get your child, you go through frustration and difficulty but when someone puts a child in your arms, it is yours. Your baby.

Sleepless

2007-01-19T01:03:00.001-05:00

I have restarted acupuncture again. This time I found a clinic near my home. I have no way to measure the different facilities so I prefer to go to a closer site than the 40 minutes I was driving before. Also, I have a theory that each person has their own strengths and so I hedge my bets by going to different people in the same clinic. I have no idea if this helps at all. I just know that I have had a session today to calm me and relax me, and it is 12:48am. I have already finished a novel and trying not to start another one so I am not up until dawn.

I had a great discussion with a friend today who has his own company and asked if I can help him launch his products. It was very exciting and really could be an incredible opportunity. I can't really go into any sort of detail, but I have been really excited about this project for a while and now he has asked me to join in and help.

There is a bit to talk about, I finally heard from my clinic regarding the karyotyping of the fetal material removed during the last procedure. It was a boy. I guess I had told my friend that I believed it was a boy several times, and when I called to tell her the result her first words were 'you were right'. It was a nice reminder that I was connected to this thing growing inside me.

The unfortunate/fortunate results were that the fetus had a double x, so he was xxy instead of xy. This is apparently called Klinefelter's syndrome. Only about 0.1% of babies born have this so that is really a shocking display of statistics sticking it to us. We keep falling on the wrong side of statistics but seriously, I can't even count on 99.9%?? Fuck.

The good news (to me) is that the loss was not due to anything I did. Nature saw that there was a mistake and corrected it. Unfortunately between myself and my husband, we created something so stubborn that even with something seriously wrong he wasn't going to give up. I fell while we were away on our trip. I fell hard and really hurt myself. I have a huge bruise, and an abrasion that was the size of the palm of my hand on my hip. i was certain that this is what killed our child. Also, we flew which our last cliinic (the one run by quacks, I know) didn't recommend. I was sure that one or both of those things were the reason that I was no longer pregnant.

This might sound bad, but I am glad that there was something wrong to point to. If there had to be a failure at least there is a reason that I can learn about and determine if there is some genetic proclivity towards it. Also now we can do PGD and only put back the healthy embryo(s). Maybe this actually means there might be hope.

Car thoughts

2007-01-12T13:38:00.001-05:00

For the last year or so, H has been looking at buying a new car. We don't really need a new car as we have a car and an SUV. The SUV is a little too gas-happy, but we don't drive it long distances usually. The car is great, though not great in the winter.

He wants a sporty convertible (in Boston-very useful) and I would like to see if we have a child to determine what vehicle we buy. We had an agreement that if we got pregnant he would hold off and then we would buy something that can accept a car seat in the back. Well we got pregnant and then lost it. So now he is back to looking at convertibles. In January. In Boston. In 35 degree weather.

I don't really have any good rationale anymore. We have done 5 IVF cycles with no success and we are on board for another cycle in the nearish future, but what are the chances of success? Why are we holding off on a purchase because maybe in a year or two, possibly there might be any chance of putting a car seat in a vehicle.

Well what if there is no car seat? Why wouldn't we get the car he wants? I still think it is a silly purchase, but I also don't really care that much.

When we bought this house, I was sold on the fact that the back yard was awesome for kids. That the bedrooms were perfect for several kids or just 1 and maybe an au pair? That we never use half of the house now because we only need 2 or 3 rooms.

I told H that I am willing to sell the house and move closer to the city, maybe an apartment on the T line. Then job searching will be much easier, and getting in and out of the clinic will also be more convenient.

Why wouldn't we buy (or sell) the things we want because it might conflict with our plan, that might never happen?

Nice day

2007-01-07T23:05:00.001-05:00

Today was a nice day. There was a lot of cooking and friends and food all around.

It started simply enough with a mention of brunch to a couple of friends. That blossomed into a couple of other friends. Then H's brother and wife were available only for the day so we figured, hey why not?

It also began with bagels and smoked salmon, well some of our friends don't like fish, and the kids certainly won't eat them so I started adding a couple of 'options'.

I asked H about french toast but he didn't want to make something high fat or anything that needed to be cooked while people were around.

I found a recipe for baked french toast that you make the night before and bake for 30 minutes. It is full of butter and eggs and cream, but if you ignore everything and use egg whites and skim milk, grease the pan with a little olive oil spray and just brush the bread with a slight coat of margarine you can make practically fat free french bread. It was so very yummy yummy yummy. It soaks in all night, then you put some sugar and cinnamon over the top then bake for about 25-30 minutes at 425.

We put some strawberries and light cool whip over the top and so very good.

Of course you can't just serve french toast and bagels with smoked salmon and all the trimmings. That would be silly, so lets cut up 3 lbs of potatoes into matchsticks, and hey, lets just add some sausage just for a little variety.

This happens a lot. I start a project and then think 'oh, wouldn't that be cool to add this or that, then it would be so much better'. I really enjoyed the day and it works out for a party and group of friends, but it doesn't seem to work out when I try to translate that into a job search or decided what I want to do with my life.

It does make a damn good breakfast though. DELICIOUS.

After clean-up, and a fire in the pit backyard...

oh by the way, it was 50-odd degrees in January in Boston! Yay!

...I couldn't just sit there and see a clean kitchen. So I figured I would add french onion soup to the mix. There seems to be a theme happening. Anyway, I have made it several times and my husband loves it. I don't eat it so I can't tell you how it takes, but it makes the house smell like onions to the studs. It also takes hours to cook down to usability. I do love the process though. H is always so very happy when it is done and he gets to eat it every day for weeks. I make a couple of buckets at once so I don't have to make it again for a long long time. I smell of onions for days, as it gets right into every pore of my body and nothing gets rid of that smell.

Still, my family does seem to love it, so it makes me look good and I certainly like that.

It was a very nice day.

Next up, lets talk about a car!

Slipper update

2007-01-05T17:13:00.001-05:00

Just to satisfy curiosity look at these:

http://www.target.com/gp/detail.html/sr=1-14/qid=1168034987/ref=sr_1_14/601-2445815-6047366?ie=UTF8&asin=B000FHCDF8

in adult size, of course.

When I told H the first words he said were, "Please tell me it wasn't the blue fuzzy ones." I was glad to be able to say they weren't.

And got the HCG phone call and I am finally negative after the D&E, it took a long time but we are there. Still no period, but I started acupuncture again today to help restart my system. I hope it helps.

Back on

2007-01-04T22:45:00.001-05:00

Well, I just boycotted the last several weeks. We didn't have a tree, do any decorating, and only bought the barest minimum of gifts. Gift giving was easier this year in general as my siblings and I have agreed to no longer exchange gifts. Instead we are only doing gifts for the nieces and nephews now. It was better as the gifts are smaller and easier. It was a little difficult as I kept spending all sorts of time in the kiddie sections of every store, but it was ok. I have been a lot better recently, and getting better still. It was very hard through the holidays and then on December 26, I woke up in a very good mood. Even H commented on it. I didn't realize it, but I was just happy that everything was over and we could move on.

There are some very kind and considerate people reading blogs. I even got a christmas card! It was so nice to read your comments too. Thank you.

I do have to say today was an odd day. I have had a cold for a few days, and apparently it has hit me a little harder than I thought. I had a bunch of dr appointments today and was going to be out all day. I got up, took a shower, ate breakfast, blah blah blah. It was a totally normal morning. I got in the car and heading to the highway. I was about 10 minutes from my house when I looked down and realized I was wearing my slippers. Seriously. I was so horrified. I didn't have enough time to go all the way home, so I had to continue to my first appointment. I was going to wear my Uggs and the slippers are similar to Uggs, so I was hoping that I could get away with it. My jeans are also long so I pulled the bottoms over the slippers to hide them a little.

I went to the first appointment and then rushed over to a Payless to try to find a pair of cheap shoes to change into. I am still not working so I didn't want to buy something that I wouldn't wear again. I didn't find anything in the 15 minutes I had, so I had to go to my next appointment still in slippers.

My next appointment was with CL (crazy lady) she is the woman who gives me my meds. Either she is crazy or I am, so I say that it is my CL appointment. Here I am, at a therapists office, discussing how I am dealing with the miscarriage and my job search and life while sitting there in my slippers.

I called my friend and told her, and she started laughing hysterically. I told her I wasn't going to tell H or anyone else, but I broke that about 5 minutes after I started talking to him so I figured I might as well tell you guys too!

Surprise

2006-12-22T22:04:00.000-05:00

Got my latest HCG reading this week. I had my D&E 2 weeks ago and the demise was at least a week before that. My stubborn body still shows an HCG level of 30. I could pee on a stick and still get a clear positive today. I am to go back a few days after Christmas for another test. I haven't had a period yet, and they don't expect one until I get down to zero or at least close to it.

I am already approved for another cycle through their clinic but they want to run a million more tests to see why we keep losing babies. Next cycle they want to add baby aspirin in case there is a clotting issue. I have had a clot previously but I have been tested 3 times and never had a number that indicates an increase in clotting likelihood.

I don't know how I feel on the whole subject. I am feeling much better mentally the last couple of days. I have gotten to a stage where I can think about things I enjoy and smile. I built a soft box this week and have been playing with it for a few days. It is a way to take pictures of small items with softer shadows than direct light. It looks awesome and I am happy that I built it myself. I have a good lens but the box I build is too small to use the good lens, but it takes a great picture with my little point-and-shoot.

I am trying to look to the things that give me some joy. It isn't always easy and I took a picture of H with a friend's baby that broke my heart. He loves her and all babies so much that I feel terribly guilty that I cant' provide that to him. I apologized to him last night and he tells me that I don't need to apologize but then I see the picture of her asleep on his chest and I get so sad.

I had my previous D&C last year exactly at this time, and really it makes the holidays completely unpleasant. We boycotted the whole thing this year. No tree, no decorations, no joy. Minimal presents to everyone. So far, not really my favorite time of the year.

Tormenting myself

2006-12-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

Shopping today for presents, I spent hours in stores just walking around. Somehow I kept ending up in the baby sections. I had to go by the maternity clothes to get to the fitting rooms, and my nieces sizes are on the other side of baby clothes. It was sad and difficult.

The worst part was that I haven't been feeling too bad. I have been a little crampy but not horrible, so I thought physically I was doing well. After a couple of hours in the store, I felt horrible. Hot, sweaty, nausea, cramping. I had to sit down in the aisle for a while. I always have a book with me, so I just sat on a shelf and read for a while. I finished up and have been on the couch for the rest of the afternoon.

I can't bear to wrap the presents yet. I can't really stand to look at them yet. I will try again this weekend. I would like to be all done with christmas stuff by next week, though we haven't done anything for our card list yet, so that might be an enthusiastic goal.

I vetoed a tree this year. I am usually the one who wants the biggest tree, usually much bigger than our ceiling can hold. We still have huge scrapes on our ceiling from a tree a few years ago that we had to cut almost 2' off the top. And it still barely made it in the room. This year, I can't bear it. I don't want any of that stuff in my house. I don't want all the ornaments and glitter everywhere when I feel like this. If we had a child, of course I would pull myself together but we don't so why should I have to fake it in my own house.

Time to think about other people...

We have a friend with a health problem. He has been in the hospital for quite a while and he has had a transplant be rejected. He has already gotten a second transplant but his wife and doctors are concerned. If you pray, please do, or just send good thoughts his way.

D&E not D&C

2006-12-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

So my D&C became a D&E which uses vacuum instead of cutting. Apparently this is supposed to be a little easier on my body. In respect to the procedure, it seems to have been.

I do love my clinic, the only downside is that they are so busy that we were away from home for over 8 hours yesterday. We left at 10am for a 12:30 procedure which didn't get started until 2:30pm. I guess I was in the room for about 15 minutes total and spent the rest of the afternoon 'recuperating'. I was a bit lightheaded but not really feeling much pain.

Last night was painful and crampy but not so much that pain killers were necessary. Just uncomfortable.

I guess now is just the recovery time. Physically my body isn't bad. I have a little extra weight, but nothing unusual for a cycle. Everything that started to change due to pregnancy has already returned to normal. I just have to deal with the mental baggage now. I feel like this was all a dream, that I never really got pregnant. Like it was all a delusion. There is no proof that there was a child involved at all.

The doctor sent the tissue for testing to determine if there was a chromosomal issue, but asked if we want the tissue returned to us afterward. Both H and I were in quick agreement, NO. Thank you, but no. I can't imagine bringing the tissue home for a 'burial'. That is not the kind of closure that I need in this case.

Again, thanks to everyone for their thoughts and good wishes. So far things seem ok, and H is already talking about the next cycle. I am not ready to discuss that yet, but I guess we will see.

Thank You so much

2006-12-01T17:01:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for all your support. You have been wonderful, and I truly appreciate it.

We are really hanging in there this weekend. I have not been feeling well today, and can't wait until Monday. I just want this to be over so I can begin to heal, mentally and physically.

I just can't believe that we are going to have to go through all this again. I keep feeling like this is a horrible joke that I will eventually wake up from. I keep going to sleep hoping that things will change, but they never do.

Again, thank you for your kind words.

Update

2006-11-30T21:13:00.000-05:00

Finally got the 'confirmation' scan. We got squeezed into an 8:30 am appointment which means a 90 minute commute in traffic. It also meant we were in the first batch of people to be scanned and that means they hadn't gotten behind schedule yet. We are confirmed for no heartbeat. The radiologist was quite nice, though she did say to the student "We are only doing this to see how far it got" yes, I can hear you. Still when it was over she turned the screen to us and showed us the final scan. She was very kind at that point.

She pointed to where the heart is and showed up that there was no heartbeat. It was pretty clear, but the clearest thing was that you could totally see the little human in there. It was completely obvious where the head and arms were. It looked like Munch's "Scream", which really freaked me out. They left us in the room to collect ourselves with the screen on. I couldn't stop staring at the screen so eventually H had to turn it away from me.

I waited around all day, I was hoping they could squeeze me in for the D&C today, or at worst tomorrow but unfortunately I couldn't get on the schedule until Monday. I am going to go out of my head carrying this for the next 4 days. I understand that it has died but somehow my body won't let go. If it does happen 'naturally' I was told by my nurse to 'scoop it up so they can do some testing on it'. I swear to you, those were her words.

I am a little mentally unsound today. I am mostly angry, which the therapist says is a stage of grief. I feel like I did everything and got so excited about this. Of course that means that the world needs to rip it away from me.

So the score is Gravida - 2 Para - 0.

I am just going to hide for a while.

10w5d, 90% be damned

2006-11-29T14:00:00.000-05:00

90%, HA, I laugh in the face of 90% success rate. Actually not so much laugh as sob hysterically for most of the rest of the day.

Went to my gyno appointment today and he couldn't find the heartbeat with the doppler so he sent me to another department for an ultrasound. She couldn't find any heartbeat either.

Everyone said that things couldn't be better this time. We had an 8-cell, grade 1 embryo. Our HCG numbers were pretty spectacular but still a failure.

I feel like there is just a bare pin point of light entering my brain, everything else is just darkness. My brain feels like a grey fog.

We had begun discussing names and needs last week.

Now it is impossible for us to have a child before I turn 35.

Vacation, Thanksgiving update

2006-11-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

Vacation was very nice, we didn't do anything but sit on the beach for 5 days. H had a wonderful time, I was a bit bored, but he was really looking forward to doing nothing after working so hard recently that I didn't want to stop him. It was nice overall, but we our flight was late returning and we didn't get in until almost 11 pm on Tuesday night. On Wednesday we had to run around like crazies doing all the shopping for Thanksgiving.

We were volunteered to do Thanksgiving this year by my mother. She claims that she doesn't have enough room for everyone, but we have had quite a few people at her house before. I just think she doesn't want to do it anymore and is pushing it on me. I am the only child who is close by that doesn't have any children, so what else would I do? It is alright, I don't mind though H hates the cleanup. We actually ran 5 full loads of dishes in the dishwasher since last night and had to wash all the pots and serving dishes by hand. He was still washing dishes at 2:00 this afternoon. He is a very good cleaner, one reason I am such a lucky girl.

The number of people kept changing, all the way up to Wednesday. On Wednesday I discovered that everyone who said they were not likely to come were coming. So we had a total of 16 adults and 4 kids. It was packed. H made a table top for our pool table out of plywood and it just fits 16 people around it. The plan was that the kids would sit at a different time, wouldn't sit at all, or something. It turned out the one family was late and so they sat at a second sitting which staggered the seating a bit, making it all work out perfectly.

It was fun, if overwhelming. There were a couple little 'family blowups' but on the whole really quiet. Also, we got out of traveling to visit the MIL which is the first year ever and that might be one of the top things I am thankful for this year!

Still no pregnancy symptoms yet. I am still a little tired in the afternoons, but my hunger has really dissipated to very normal levels. My belly has gotten a little bigger but nothing really noticeable. Mostly it is just like middle age spread. My waist is bigger everywhere, not just the belly, so I can't really blame it on pregnancy. I have my next appointment on Tuesday and I am hoping to feel more confident after that. I keep feeling confident after my appointments but then the doubts creep back in.

Every time I go to the bathroom I still check for blood. I don't know when that will stop. I really hope that one day during this pregnancy that I will feel confident enough that I will forget to check even just once in a while, but so far that hasn't happened yet. Even in the middle of the night I check.

Today is 10w1d, we have passed through 25% of this pregnancy, though I won't feel secure that we are through until I hear the doppler next week.

Oh, by the way, my cousin is pregnant. That is ok with me, I am better with this whole thing now. She is 5 months along, and having a girl. I am better about H's brother too. I just needed time to process it, I think. My friend is 8 weeks further along that I am and I am thrilled about it. We are going to have kids around the same time and that makes me happy. Now it seems that my family will be adding another 'batch' ('crop' ??) of cousins and second cousins around the same time.

Tough day

2006-11-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

I finally spoke to my OB, and I was in such a good mood. I was actually going to be able to call him my OB. That is a huge step forward for us. We chatted for a while and he was busting my chops a little, which is funny. I don't mind being teased by him, he is a good guy and always means well. Then he dropped a little bomb. He feels that I will need to come in to see him every 2 weeks for the entire pregnancy, until the end when it will be weekly.

He is concerned about a couple of older health problems that can predict some future issues, primarily miscarriage and early delivery. He wants to start the testing almost immediately, including some more genetic testing. He is affiliated with another big hospital in the Boston area, which is not the one I went to for my treatment. This is all a little disappointing. I was really hoping/thinking that maybe this pregnancy would be fairly uneventful and that I would be able to experience a little bit of being normal. HA, clearly that is not in the cards for me.

Also, I was interviewing for a position and had my second interview yesterday. It seemed to have gone well, and I was to hear today. I am a bit over-qualified for the position, but it is 12 minutes from my house and less than 10 from my OB's office, so that all seemed perfect. I just want to go back to work, and I realize that since I am pregnant that I will be leaving for a time next summer so I thought something a little less complicated would be a good thing for me. I also am so tired of commuting. Every job I have ever had has been a minimum of an hour commute, each way. I can't keep doing that. I just can't mentally do that, and try to be a normal person.

Well, I finally heard late this afternoon and they offered the position to someone else. I have no idea why, they told my recruiter that they loved me and thought I was great, but still they offered to someone else.

Finally, my brother-in-law, who lives very far away has announced they are pregnant. 7 WEEKS, we are 9 weeks tomorrow and we haven't even started telling our closest friends/family, except for those who were involved in the IVF drama. This is the same BIL who, when he heard we were engaged responded with the comment "I guess I am going to have to go shopping now", who we told our date to and 6 weeks later a Save the Date card comes in the mail for the SATURDAY BEFORE...ON AN ISLAND....20+ AIRPLANE HOURS AWAY.

I am happy for them, but I just wish we could have made our announcement individually. Does that make me a bad person??

90%

2006-11-10T09:17:00.000-05:00

We had our 8w appointment yesterday. It was all good news. Heartbeat of 160, size of 1.6cm. Each of these are pretty much right on for 8w0d. We spoke to our doctor after the ultrasound and she was very happy. We graduate out of their program into my own OB, who I called yesterday. I was still so hesitant and concerned yesterday. I asked the dr when I could feel better, more confident. Her reply... "Now. With a scan like this you are at 90% likeliness of a healthy baby at the end, and when have the odds ever been 90% in your favor??" This is why I like this new clinic, straight talking, no crap.

Our ultrasound was FOREVER. We had a new-ish resident and he didn't really know what he was looking for or where. He seriously spent over 45 minutes looking for my left ovary, but he was below my belly button. I, myself, was pretty certain that it was a bit more TO THE LEFT, but he was certain he would find it eventually. He finally said he found it, but added a note to the scan so we don't think he really did. It didn't matter, the attending came in 10 minutes later and spent 3 minutes, he found the left ovary, the right one and the baby. All in the 3 minute scan.

I wonder why the US department was running 1.5 hours behind??

Still a good day.

Worst dream ever

2006-11-10T02:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, so what would the worst dream ever be??? Just think about it, you are having trouble falling asleep, you have a lot on your plate for tomorrow, and you start dreaming THAT YOU CAN'T FALL ASLEEP!!!

So, an entire night of not being able to sleep and DREAMING ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO SLEEP.

Fun fun fun.

Worst dream ever

2006-11-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

Exhaustion

2006-11-06T16:13:00.000-05:00

I am so exhausted. I have not been sleeping well at all lately and I have been having dreams that are really weird. On a good note, last night was the first time I had dreamed of this pregnancy going to term and having a child out of it. It was weird and more than a little nice. Of course there were an awful lot of other dreams that weren't exactly the same. In one I found out H was having an affair. I woke up in a SUPER-BAD mood. I know that H is not that type of person, but I was hurt by someone a long time ago who did cheat. It is something that seems to be in the back of my mind and pops up in dreams every once in a while.

As a perk though, last night I dreamed that I kicked the crap out of my MIL. That was a bit cathartic. H and I had dinner with my parents last night and she came up in conversation. I guess perhaps she frustrated me just a scooch. :D

There were a whole bunch of other dreams last night, but they have all become pretty foggy.

Wishing and Waiting

10 month, halloween party

10 months old

9 Months

Working mama

Guess who?!

More things we eat

Things we eat!

7 months

Mother of the Year AND Hostess of the Year

6 1/2 months

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

Sleeping

Whoever said...

Mama

Did I mention I am in love?

5 Months

Mother's Day

Trouble brewing

4 and 1/3 months

Rolling machine!!

3 and 2/3 months?

Au Pair

Giggle King

3 Months

Favorite Pic

Sleeping

Two Months

Favorite things

6w2d, changes

One Month

Although, something cool...

Longest nap yet

Babies...

2 week birthday (new years eve), birth story

Welcome to the world! Happy 1 week birthday!!!

38w3d, Belly pix!

38w3d, Sorry, false alarm

37w6d, Last belly picture tomorrow!

37w3d, Favorite pregnancy symptom

34w5d, Panic begins to ensue

33w1d, 7week home stretch

30w4d

28w3d, Holy Crap

27w6d, Irony alert

26w4d

23w2d - 4D ultrasounds *UPDATED*

22w3d, Update to previous post

22w2d

21w3d, Welcome to the Club

20w2d

19w1d

16w3d

14w3d

12w4d

12w3d

11w1d

Graduation day (10w3d)

10w0d (today)

Answered my question

9w4d

And on the 12th day of bleeding...

Titles suck

New update

Worst. Decision. Ever.

Do I hear....?

15dp3dt

13dp3dt

Book Tour #3, A Time Travelers Wife

11dp3dt, proof of confusion

11dp3dt, and...

9dp3dt, Willpower = nil

I swore this time would be different (6dp3dt)

4dp3dt IVF#6

17 hours till 3 day transfer

Is this a joke?

Do I have nothing to say??

Throw everything at the problem

Book Tour

Pitiable

23w2d - 4D ultrasounds UPDATED